Mango

Currently: in my Top Gun era (with a sprinkling of The Pitt and Murderbot)

[jimmysownworld]

cliff marleau and ilya rozanov are best friends not because they’re teammates or marleau was assigned to look after roz when he first got to the raiders, but because, even though it takes so much alcohol to get him drunk, when ilya gets drunk he can only be described as white girl wasted and marly is the EXACT same way. they are in the mens bathroom in front of the mirror like “is my shirt unbuttoned enough for people to look at my tits?” “yeah man your boobs look GREAT! can you tell me if these jeans look good on my ass i think i saw a girl eying me” “marly your ass looks phenomenal and you can trust me on this as i am a well known ass man” “aw man rozzy you’re making me blush”

[marshgnome]

they share clothes all of the time, not even really on purpose, they just spend so much time hungover together that things get muddled. this isn't a problem until marley sees shane hollander, wearing his shirt??? obviously he immediately accuses ilya of cheating on him (partying without inviting him to join). shane is visibly devastated, ilya is frantically explaining, and thats how marley is the first person in the nhl to learn about hollanov

[tayasui-mono]

Boston Raiders watching the Tampa All-Star game highlights after Ilya kisses Shane all giddy, thinking, who the fuck is that guy? Because that jolly guy on the screen? Expression so different he doesn't even resemble their captain? He'd been a complete psycho lunatic the past couple months. Unbearable. And now he's giggling at Shane Hollander???

[sluthollander]

no bc I'm imagining the raiders "no cap" group chat (only recently made in the no good times) going crazy during the game like:

holy shit cap doesn't look like he wants to off himself!! are we finally free???

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

dude are WE the problem?

don't say that 🥲

but man hollander and cap are on 🔥🔥🔥🔥

can't believe they got cap playing wing! should've been hollander 😤

damn clean goal 🔥

wtf

did he just

ok guess happy roz is officially back

LETS GOOOO

dude I can't believe hollander got a kiss!! when's the last time any of us got one 😭

yeah like that should be reserved for raiders only

lol we need to get a welcome home cheater banner for the locker room 😂

didn't think he was that close with hollander?

lol maybe he's just trying to piss him off

nah that's genuinely happy roz

yeah and hollander doesn't look mad

whatever i for one am grateful THANK YOU JANE HOLLANDER FOR SAVING US FROM DEMON ROZ 🙏🙏🙏

*shane

wait

Oh

Shit

Fuck

...no way

anyways that's how the raiders figure it out™

[caralikesgay]

hard launch this, soft launch that...has anyone written hollanov going full gaslighting with their coming out? just straight up going "we've been together for years? why are you acting like this is news?"

double points if they don't even plan to do it. they decide to soft launch via no longer actively hiding their relationship, just slowly acting more like a couple around other people. they're both at some event and ilya finds shane and just wraps his arm across his shoulders, which maybe that could just be ilya being ilya, but then shane just leans into it? like this is fine and normal? and when someone questions it shane panics and is just like "why wouldn't i? he's my boyfriend" and whoever they're talking to is like "what? since when?" and ilya is immediately onboard with this game "since 2017."

they just keep doubling down "you don't remember me sneaking out to go visit him every time we played in boston? you were all chirping me about it."

"wait, did you two drive here together?" "why would we take separate cars, we live together?" "you WHAT?"

when someone thinks they're joking they bring up the group chat with shane's parents, ilya scrolls back to a text where yuna calls him her favorite son. they bring up a video clip jackie sent of the twins saying "we love you uncle ilya!" shane brings up his thread with svetlana where she sends him russian words and phrases she thinks he should know.

they quickly enlist everyone who already knew, get them all onboard to pretend like their relationship wasn't ever top secret information. shane posts a picture of him with anya, when someone comments "that looks just like ilya rozanov's dog?" he just replies "yeah, we adopted her several months ago" and ilya replies "love our daughter ❤️"

the more people act like this is revelatory news the more they inisist that it's not. "we started a charity together!" "i moved to canada for him!" meanwhile everyone else is slowly losing their minds.

[pastainhismouth]

the thing about cliff marleau is he has zero thoughts in his head. is he gay, now he's fucking Luca? uhhh probably not he still likes women. bisexual? fuck man who cares he's a hot piece of ass same as the chicks. guess I'm branching out now what bar we going to

impossible to give this man an existential crisis he doesn't have enough going on up there and honestly I love that for him

[ivviannaa]

you know how hockey players do that thing where they automatically hug someone from the other team so that nobody else jumps in when there's a fight?

i like to imagine montreal vs. ottawa game days post-the long game consist of hayden and shane very solemnly doing that every two minutes

[trulyabookweirdo]

I have this headcanon that [SPOILERS FROM THE LONG GAME] after Shane and Ilya get outed and the media frenzy winds down, they end up doing several low stake interviews to get the general population to like them as a pair. And so at one point they end up doing the "reading mean tweets trend" together (the idea was for them to defend each other) and one directed at Shane reads:

"Can you imagine being the reason that Ilya Russian-Greatest-Love-Machine Rozanov spends the rest of his life having boring missionary style sex? Shane Hollander, if you really love him, let him go"

And everyone can see Ilya trying to understand the tweet for a second before he freezes, his breathing becoming unsteady while he interrupts Shane (stammering through a media trained response) to say:

"you... You think that Shane... You think he..."- before completely collapsing into absolute laughter. The kind of laughter that kind of hurts, that has you wheezing and trying to find your breath, that gets tears in your eyes and turns your face red from lack of oxygen. His voice and laughter get high-pitched, and he has to steady himself on his husband cause he almost falls from his chair.

The man is completely undone while Shane smacks his leg to "shut up, shut up!", all the while trying and failling to finish the sentence, cause he can't believe anyone on this planet could think of Shane as anything less as a sexually-deviant-kinky motherfucker who would rather die than do something less than soft BDSM.

Every time he starts to calm down, he looks at the camera and starts laughing again. They have to stop recording for 15 minutes, and in the following part of the interview everyone can see the red eyes from the tears of laughter, and the cuts in the video from where he couldn't control himself and started laughing again.

The day after it's released, Ilya's unhinged laughter becomes a response meme for when people say something stupid.

[persistent-mango]

“My brothers mace, most like. He’s strong”

My honest reaction:

[persistent-mango]

IF CHEKHOV’S MOTORCYCLE GETS MENTIONED ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I WILL SCREAMMMMM

[persistent-mango]

Update: screaming

[military-newsboys]

Shane: Ilya and I argued Hayden: why? Shane: I didn't wait for the water to boil before putting the pasta in and now he's not talking to me. Hayden: ... Ilya, from afar: you monster.

[persistent-mango]

IF CHEKHOV’S MOTORCYCLE GETS MENTIONED ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I WILL SCREAMMMMM

[persistent-mango]

Luca: hey Shane, can I get some dating advice?

Shane: just because I’m with Ilya, doesn’t mean I know how I did it

[persistent-mango]

Ilya: Oh, here my award for most rules broken!

Shane: That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from the GM

Ilya, hanging it on the wall: Well, it has word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it award!

[persistent-mango]

[persistent-mango]

Ilya Rozanov but he grew up learning some British English:

[persistent-mango]

[persistent-mango]

Dear Ms Rachel Reid, respectfully, I need a book on Max Riley STAT

[persistent-mango]

‘Shane’s unfuckable’

That is lie. Liar told you that

(From here)