MY FUCKING CAR
Mike Driver

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@phiauniverse
MY FUCKING CAR
SHANE HOLLANDER, MLH STAR, DIES FROM ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE (click to read more)
That’s the headline Ilya reads on his Google alerts when he’s home alone. More and more articles start coming out, his phone pinging with different versions of the same sentence over and over. Every website claiming this horrible, twisted lie that Shane Hollander is dead.
It has to be a lie after all. This must be wrong. They’re all surely misreporting things and it’ll turn out that Hollander is alive, safe in his boring home in Montreal. Ilya’s confident there will be a statement made soon but he’s too impatient to wait for that.
Sure, they haven’t spoken since the day Shane fled from his home, leaving Ilya to clean up half-eaten tuna melts and their mixed come off his chest.
And Ilya didn’t reach out after Shane got a nasty hit in San Jose a few weeks ago— one that left Shane with a fractured collarbone and concussion. He tortured himself with the footage and drafted an “are you okay?” text but he never sent it. He had been a coward.
He wishes more than anything that he sent it now.
He calls Shane. It’s 8PM in Boston, which means it’s 8PM in Montreal and even Shane isn’t lame enough to be in bed so early.
No answer to his call. No answer to his texts. Nothing.
He calls and calls and calls and fucking calls but there’s nothing. No response, no answer. Not even a ‘read’ receipt. Shane isn’t cruel. He would call him. Even with this fractured something that they are (or were), he would have reached out. He would have heard about the news by now and called Ilya back or texted to say it was fake. That he was fine. That it was idiots being idiots and talking about something they knew nothing of.
So why the fuck is Shane not answering? The only reason he wouldn’t is if… is if…
Ilya doesn’t know what he’s doing until he’s in his car and headed to Montreal. His phone dies halfway through the trip from attempts to get in contact with Shane. Still nothing. He’s in a state of delirium when he crosses the border into Canada, with no plan other than making it to Shane’s house.
If Shane’s alive, he’ll be in his home and he’ll answer the door. And if not… Ilya doesn’t want to think that far.
Shane’s lounging on his couch, half asleep and frustrated at the world. He’s still reeling from getting the worst, most frantic phone call from his parents earlier that day.
And all because he’d gone to the hospital earlier. There had been unforeseen conflicts with his medication and some supplements he’s taking, something that risked leading to an overdose if not caught as early as it was.
Somehow that afternoon trip led to someone violating HIPPA and even more confusingly, led to quite a bit of the population mistaking him for being dead.
For once Shane’s thankful his mom talked him into keeping a landline when buying a home. “You never know what may happen Shane,” she had said.
Wasn’t that the truth? The whole reason for the urgent visit was because he got dizzy that morning, his vision and balance going off kilter, and he had dropped his phone, breaking it beyond repair. It was added to his list of annoyances with today. If not for his parents and Hayden having his home phone number… they might have believed the news for much longer than they had to.
It’s 1AM when furious knocking wakes him up. He must have fallen asleep down stairs. Shane’s groggy before it really hits him that someone is at his front door. No one in their right mind visits at one a.m.
He gets up and peeks through the peep hole and swings the door open before he even knows he’s going to do it because it’s—
Ilya.
He looks like shit. Eyes red-rimmed, hair like he went through a wind tunnel. He’s wearing flannel pajama pants, slides, and a sweatshirt. He looks like he just rolled out of bed.
He doesn’t get any words out before Ilya knocks the breath out of him by collapsing into him. It’s a hug but feels a bit like a tackle too. If Shane weren’t as athletic or as on guard at seeing Ilya, he may have fallen backwards.
It takes several moments to register Ilya is shaking in his arms.
No. Ilya is crying in his arms.
Shane’s brain searches for anything that would make this confusing thing make sense. He begins to think it may be a dream he has yet to wake up from but then it hits him.
The article. His phone being broken. His parents had called everyone they thought was important.
No one knew to tell Ilya it wasn’t real.
I miss when ads were a single click and then they’re gone. Now every ad has a minimum of three phases where you watch a video, exit the still frame of fake gameplay, and then exit the app download. That doesn’t even touch on the ones that forcibly take you to another app after opening a tab in safari without you ever touching the screen.
I hate advertising. I hate that you can’t do anything without companies jumping down your throat with mostly bullshit ads. I hate that billboards exist. I hate that every company unanimously decided to make their ads longer and longer. I hate that ad blockers try to charge you money and there are in app purchases to remove ads. I hate that my attention has become commodified. I hate that there’s nothing I can do about it.
“nice blog”
thank you im really good at clicking reblog
Reblog if you are really good at clicking reblog
Ilya is feels something ugly crawl up his throat after the first time shane scores for Ottawa. He doesn’t see ecstatic delight that always blooms on Shane's face even when they're simply passing pucks in the rink attached to the cottage, Doesn't see the easy confidence that shane usually carries himself with on the ice, Doesn't see THE shane hollander's victory smile.
What he sees is desperate relief creeping up on Shane's face and it makes Ilya feel like he ate rocks for lunch.
His husband, one of best players ever to grace the ice, amongst the most decorated players in the league...stares at his own hands in disbelief....
Like he didn't know if he could still do it....
Like he needed permission to be there....
Like he had to prove his worth....
And Ilya promises himself....never again... never.ever.again.
Post outing, during Shane’s first season with Ottawa, he meets up with Rose. The Centaurs have a game in New York and Rose has a Colbert appearance. The press immediately speculates why Ilya didn’t come with them. After all, he and Shane are married now. The more trashy outlets speculate about Shane and Rose rekindling their romance while the more serious ones (lol) write about tension between Rose and Ilya and Ilya being jealous and A Close Friend bemoans how poor Shane is in the middle of his husband and his best friend not getting along.
Fast forward a couple of months, the Centaurs are playing LA. Shane is sitting out the road trip due to a minor injury. Ilya meets up with Rose at a small restaurant to avoid the press, but they get caught by paparazzi. And they get absolutely swarmed. Usually, Rose can handle a few paps going after her, but this time there are so many, they block the way from the restaurant’s door to where her car is parked. Rose was just caught leaving a party hand in hand with another actor a week ago and the paps are after her like crazy and because she and Ilya were meeting on the dl she didn’t bring security. Turns out, she didn’t need to. The paparazzi are in their faces, yelling at Rose about her possible relationship with her actor or whether she’s hooking up with her ex-boyfriend’s husband now, shoving them around and flashing their cameras. Unfortunately for the paparazzi, none of them have a lot of experience with professional hockey players. Hockey players who can fight and are good in a scrum. So Ilya drags up his I’m gonna drop my gloves and punch out your teeth persona and yells at them loud enough that at least two of the paps drop their cameras. Even these hardened vultures don’t know what to do in the face of Russian hockey player fury. Ilya doesn’t punch any of them, but he doesn’t have to. Just wraps an arm around Rose and clears a path for her with the other, his broad shoulders and the murderous expression on his face equally well suited to get them back to Rose’s car. The clip goes viral, especially because it catches Rose’s absolutely vindicated expression when Ilya basically glares the last photographer out of his way, and says, just audible for the camera, “next time we go out, we bring hockey sticks and just sweep them out of the way like ugly overgrown pucks.”
Later that night, Rose posts a clip of her and Ilya on the ice, shooting pucks with the caption 💪 practice.
there’s a viral video going around of someone who snuck a camera into the tunnel and caught shane and ilya embraced right before they hit the ice. it’s an incredibly warm and tender moment, they’re holding each other so tightly. ilya’s face is buried in shane’s hair and he’s kissing his head while whispering something to his husband. and they’re kinda slowly swaying together, and shane’s got one hand caressing ilya’s back while the other one is just playing with the ends of ilya’s hair. and it’s the most domestic and romantic thing that anyone have ever seen from them. they’re just so soft and in love and and the fans are mad about the invasion of privacy but also so grateful they got to witness such a beautiful moment between the married hockey players. and harris is absolutely beaming because for once the hollanders are viral for something nice instead of some chaotic or unhinged moment
i know in my heart that shane is the most obnoxious sick person of all time
not because he's a baby a la classic man cold
but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick
he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself
he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him
not happening
as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult
his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing
the majority of the struggle when shane is sick is just making him ADMIT he is sick
Tags via @penandinkprincess
also CACKLING about the way this looks on the outside.
like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."
and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"
WHICH IS NOT HELPING EVERYONE ELSE UNDERSTAND THE MOTHERFUCKING GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION, SHANE, NO MORE CONTRIBUTIONS AT THIS TIME FROM YOU, THANK YOU
After the wedding (and all of Ilya’s citizenship paperwork is secure so that a name change won't fuck everything up) their legal names are Hollander-Rozanov but they keep them the same for hockey to avoid confusion.
However, Ilya starts this bit where whenever someone at practice or at an event calls for Hollander he acts like he thought they were calling for him, usually saying something like "you said Hollander! I am a Hollander!" And it's so stupid but Shane is charmed and amused every time, and he starts doing the same thing when people say Rozanov.
Eventually the team just starts using their numbers to refer to them, and Ilya follows one time when Wiebe calls for "24" because "I am a 24 by marriage!" And the whole team groans at them and someone throws a ball of tape at Ilya's head.
Ilya after an Ottawa vs Boston game “Sorry boys, I can’t go out tonight. The old ball and chain wants me home.”
“…You mean Hollzy?”
“First of all, Shane would never chain me down, he picks me up he is the wind beneath my wings. He is the light of my life my moon and my stars. He doesn’t bring me down, he raises me up. Don’t you dare ever fucking suggest that again. I meant Cliff Marlow. We’re cooking him dinner.”
Shane’s instinctual need to be the best at whatever he’s doing making him one of the Pike kids’ favorite adults because he does not half ass their interactions like most adults do with kids and he always remembers the things they say that most adults tune out
“Amber can I step here or is it still lava?”
“Oh hey Ruby, you’re on a new area in Zelda, you finally beat the water temple?”
“Jade, how did the slumber party at Rachel’s go? Did Emma cause problems with Kaleigh or did it end up being fine?”
“No, the crocodile socks are for when Arthur is playing soccer because they help his feet eat the ball, he needs his duck socks for playing outside because they make him run faster.”
the metros do one of those “video narrated by my kids” and it’s the pike kids doing vo of a montreal training session
“that’s our daddy! hi daddy he’s so fast”
“he’s nubber 35”
“arthur you can’t count that much. only to 12”
(mum voice) “jade don’t be mean to your brother”
“oh oh, he’s got a boo boo” (jj fell on his ass)
“i fell on my butt yesterday”
“ha! butt”
“butt butt butt butt butt” — cut off
“uncle shane! hello uncle shane we love you!”
“he can’t hear you arthur, its a bideo”
“video, ruby not bideo”
“who is that man, he looks sad” (coach)
“i think he’s the boss, he’s wearing black”
“mummy calls him mr poopy pants” — cut off
“oh there’s uncle shane again! he’s the bestest”
“nubber 24! …i can’t count that much either”
“mummy can uncle shane read to us tonight?”
“sure, but let’s focus on the video girls”
“where’s daddy this video is boring. can i have a snack?”
(small interruption of juice box slurping)
“arthur stop eating the mic”
“baawahaa” - cut off with a wet sloppy sound
“oh there’s uncle shane again! why is he the only one playing?”
“the others aren’t any good, daddy says so” - cut off
i think the key difference between george lucas’s star wars and disney’s star wars is that lucas is a man with an ideology. someone with a point of view, and all that entails. which comes with ideas of revolution, anti-imperialism, challenging the status quo, cultural appropriation and racist stereotypes. complex and contradictory ideas because that’s how artists are: complex and complicated people. disney is not. disney is a corporation. a corporation can’t have ideology, because ideology defeats the purpose of profit. and when the only thing you do is to turn on the movie manufacturing machine before you sit down and plan what ideas are you trying to convey to the audience, then your results are going to be washed out corporate garbage. and because when you’re a giant corporation who only cares about selling to the widest audience possible, you can’t take sides. you can’t decide on an idea. because you want to sell your product to people who are on the entire political spectrum. which results in movies without ideology, without purpose, without soul.
I have been looking for this post for years after I came across it and it’s finally here and I need to reblog this because it is absolutely and entirely accurate.
#as I always say: lucas was making a samurai film and a ww2 flying ace film and a western film and adding laser swords#because he fundamentally LIKED samurai films and dambusters films and westerns and 40’s adventure serials#but disney are making a ‘star wars film’ and adding nothing because it already had laser swords and they have nothing else to say#xerox of a xerox baybeeeee (via harrietvane)
i'm so fucking endeared by the thought of the ottawa rookies and them being luca's safe space. he loves all of the centaurs, and obviously he still has that hero-like worship going on for ilya, but his fellow rookies just make him feel so. welcome.
he's spent his entire time playing hockey feeling like he's too much for everyone else. like maybe he's more mature or knows too much and gets caught on things that nobody else thinks much about. like maybe hockey is a sport for jocks and bros and he should just stick to his 'weird kid' spaces. then he gets drafted to ottawa, and there's these other young players, and he's just expecting the worst. he knows english pretty well but he speaks with an accent, and he looks so much softer than these other guys do. they're loud and self-assured and.... adding him to a group chat??? instantly, they're acting like they've known him for years. holmberg overshares and young enables him and lapointe rolls his eyes but laughs anyway. they invite him to hang out after practice and remember the things he tells them. holmberg finds his journal one day and, much to luca's horror, starts looking through it. he expects jeers and taunts like what happened with one of his junior teams, but the mockery never comes. instead, they're so impressed and telling him to submit some of his stuff to an art gallery and asking why he hasn't brought this up before. they're the first teammates he comes out to, and they're all cool with it and focus their efforts on finding him a boyfriend despite his protests. and luca looks back on all his fear when he first got drafted and realize that it was all for nothing
book grace: rocky would you still love me if i were a worm
movie rocky: would grace still love rocky if rocky were a taumoeba
Im going to hold your hand when I say this. It is not realistic to expect yourself or your family to be able to survive solely off of food you have foraged or grown in a garden. People with more knowledge and experience have tried and failed. What do you think happened to all of those communes in the 60s? Most of them failed. Famine and malnutrition have been constant companions to humanity until industrialized farming and food supply lines came along.
It feels like a uniquely American capitalist take to assume these traditions will make you completely self sufficient. You need a lot of people, a lot of time, a lot of knowledge across a lot of subjects, and a lot of luck to provide for everyone's nutritional needs.
So should you even bother trying to be more self sufficient with your food? I argue yes. Foraging and gardening are fun and will teach you so much about many things. They are deeply rewarding activities that can supplement your diet. There are herbs I haven't bought in years because I grow my own. There are dishes I can only make with foraged ingredients because I can't get them in stores.
You may not have the power to do everything, but that doesn't mean your efforts are wasted. Getting 5% of your nutritional needs from food you have grown or foraged, even for a season, is a massive accomplishment.
It takes approximately 2,000 calories a day to fuel the average human. A family of four needs roughly three million calories in a year. You're not going to get that from a backyard truck garden and a couple of chickens.
But you can get variety, flavor, and vitamins even if the bulk of your calories are coming from somewhere else. And if you grow more of something than you need, it gives you something to trade or gift to other people.
I have chickens, bees, fruit trees, and an absolutely massive garden... all in a major American city. My spouse also hunts and fishes regularly.
In a good year, these efforts account for maaaaaaybe 15% of our food intake.
We still rely on grocery stores for the majority of our calories and nutrition and that's ok. It doesn't mean the garden is a waste of time or that hunting is a waste of effort.
The first eggs all of my niblings ate as children were from MY chickens, that I lovingly raise in a healthy, humane environment. I start every morning with a mug of black tea sweetened with honey from the bees that industriously pollinate my garden. I can't remember the last time I bought salsa, marinara, or bone broth, but I had to build new shelves to store my abundance of canned food only last week!
Growing or foraging your own food is not a wasted effort even if it only replaces a tiny percentage of your grocery store haul. It's an enriching (and time consuming and difficult) hobby that's good for you and good for your community.