LONG ASS RANT FOR SOME REASON
I’m someone who would prefer that if you don’t want to talk to me, say it outright or just Don’t respond to me, I’ll take the hint and stop until you reach out yourself. Don’t take your frustrations out on me, i don’t do that to you.
And then there was a time they straight up told me that I annoy them sometimes, said it straight to my face, and honestly it probably stuck more because I had spent two weeks before hand thinking bad about myself and how annoying I know I can be, how much I really just wanted to end contact with absolutely everyone, that way I can’t give them a reason not to like me, and god that just fucking hurt, knowing I have to question every single thing I say and wonder if that sent some kind of anger through them.
Sometimes I wish they’d just cut me off. Like honestly, and Sometimes I think they want that too, but we’re family. If we did cut each other off, we’d still have to pretend for the family. And then other times, I’m so fucking grateful for them, grateful that I’m not alone, that I have them, even if they’ve openly said I’m not their best friend, because they actually have friends, people that stuck by them since kindergarten and I have to wonder, was there something wrong with me? Did the kids in school just decide I was to quiet? Weird for sitting alone and not talking to anyone unless talked to first?
Sometimes I feel like the world would be better without me, I wasn’t planned, technically a mistake caused by a rebound relationship, my own father not believing I was his until he actually saw me and I’ve still had no contact with him for eighteen years besides two phones called when I was ten. Mother dead.
But then I remember, hey! Death scared you. You don’t want to die. Not before you’ve actually even lived, not before youve had your first kiss, not before your first relationship, not before you come out, transition, not before you hit forty.
My biggest fear is being alone forever, living Life forever how I do now, staying in bed weeks on end, only leaving the house for school which I barely attend, not even having friends online because even texting someone besides my one friend sends some kind of fear through me. Scared I’ll say something stupid, Weird. Having no passion for anything, having fixations on shows, but not knowing where to put it, wanting to live like the people I see on the internet.
I want more, and I feel greedy. Because I have it better than a lot of people. I have a house, when i don’t have food I can still pull something together if Im actually hungry, I have my own room, a tv, pets that are my children, books, lots of books, that i havent really read, I could probably count how many I’ve read on both of my hands while not using all my fingers, a phone—and yet i long for friends, the outside world, to live Life like the movies promised.
I don’t know what the fuck to do. Can’t talk to family, they don’t know how to keep their mouths shut. Grew up being careful with what I told school councillors, because I couldn’t tell them I’d hide in my room while the screaming matches happened outside—so i don’t feel comfortable talking to a professional who could probably help because that would mean I’d have to tell the family what I’m doing and why.
And I don’t even know why I’m writing this, why I’m going to share this with other people, maybe in hopes someone else experiences the same thing, maybe for advice, i don’t know, it’s stupid.
But thank you, if someone is reading this, for taking your time!
