Clumsily Different

Lauryn ,1994, California

[parasitoidism]

I will never again know the succulent flavor of a seatbelt

[parasitoidism]

Did anyone else do this

[parasitoidism]

Rave reviews

[thededfa]

Was walking through my mom's house to borrow my dad's drill when I saw my 11yo niece watching me with an odd expression.

"You wanna help me build the catio?"

Her eyes lit up, then she looked disappointed. "But I'm a girl..."

I rolled my eyes. "Do I look like I care?"

That must have been the right response because she jumped up and chattered excitedly as I showed her how to use a tape measure, a drill, etc. We spent all day building and she had a brilliant smile the whole time. After the tenth declaration of this being the best day in her life, I said,

"Gotta love that sweet sweet serotonin!"

She immediately started giggling, "What does that meeeeaan??"

Anyway, she had an amazing time building with me and acted like I had given her a solstice gift when I said she could paint it and that I'd take her to the hardware store to pick out hardware. She's never been to a hardware store before and I love being the weird knowledgeable uncle who has weird pets always keeps fruit and pistachios in the house.

[thededfa]

Update: While I was at the store I found a 53 piece around the house tool kit in bright purple, so of course I bought it for her. Her face when I gave it to her was priceless and she actually gasped. She's going to "make all the stuff"

[fallern618]

Are we going to talk about the “but I’m a girl.”? Where did she get that? Did someone teach her that? Who is it? I’m ready to kill for that cutie.

[thededfa]

She learned it from her dead father

[exactly-myself]

I'm just gonna assume you killed him for his blatant sexism

[thededfa]

I was across state lines and in the presence of three witnesses at the time of his death. I have receipts timestamped. My alibi is solid.

[icactustime]

This post makes me so happy. It’s amazing seeing young kids learning about something they love. You are an amazing influence on your niece. 

[thededfa]

The day before she had to go home she got together with my kids and made rainbow paper chains and draped them all over my house while I was at work and she was nervous I'd be upset about the "mess" but I was genuinely excited about them and she teared up when I thanked her.

But she took that to heart and now my house is covered in homemade paper decorations, paper chains, pipe cleaner crafts, and an angel made of feathers and popsicle sticks

I. Love. It.

This is above my kitchen sink and it makes doing dishes easier because I can look at it and smile

[boy-defined]

[ Image Description: A picture of the paper chains mentioned above. End ID. ]

[tastefullyoffensive]

“Some guy a few houses down barricaded himself in his house with an assault rifle. Fortunately, they got him (or he gave himself up) without any shots fired or anyone getting hurt.” - SgtScheisskopf

[skajador]

[bundibird]

(@calliopechild )

[jaaneymann]

Bucky Barnes ghostwrote this.

[purr-in-ink]

[thegentlemanstar]

i love having online friends . hello university students from europe . hello childrens show enthusiasts from the united states . hello baby gays from oceania . do you want to talk about soup

[anti-soup]

no.

[thegentlemanstar]

i can’t believe my post has gotten popular enough to attract gimmick blogs is this what fame feels like

[amongusbreastfeeding]

Well, do I have the gimmick for you!

[thegentlemanstar]

POST CANCELED.

[warcrimesimulator]

"Whipped cream is disgusting" i knew you were mentally ill but Jesus Christ

this is my new favorite ask ever

[stimman4000]

.

[fischyplier]

It’s so beautiful! :’)

[ebroxas72]

I legitimately thought at first that those were baked beans and not peanuts. Which was quite the way of interpreting this.

[budacub]

same

[injuries-in-dust]

Source: BuddyGator.com

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Do you ever just see something that’s just

SO NICE

And so cute and wholesome

That you start crying because you just want the whole world to be this adorable all the time <3

[between-stars-and-waves]

😊 Heartwarming

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Nancy and her friends are lovely :)

[writing-prompt-s]

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

[endreams-s]

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

[honeypressed]

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

[moonreflectioninthefragglepond]

A++ addition

[tetsuskitten]

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

[tigerliliesandcherryblossoms]

I LOVE THIS

[vmohlere]

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam

[laziestofthedreamers]

I love this, I love all of this, but quick question, does the author know? Like are they aware that their significant other is a serial killer or do they just think that they have a morbid sense of humor? It’d be even funnier if the author had no fucking clue, like how Aurthur Conan Doyle was apparently stupidly gullible, and on top of it they’re a horror or crime novelist. Like the serial killer works at a butcher shop or something so it’s completely normal for them to come home smelling like blood, no murders going on here, no sirey. Just my darling coming back home from a long day at work.

Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.

So you get this dynamic of the serial killer mining the author for creative murder schemes, the author being lovingly encouraged by the serial killer, and finally the detective who is just so sure that the author is the killer and that if he sticks it out long enough he’ll FINALLY have proof.

[pamgkrthwrites]

Plot twist, The serial killer and detective use to go out so it gets sub what personal. 

“You need to stop seeing them. I think they are a serial killer.”

Serial killer breaths in. “Look-”

[ladyhavilliard]

…perfect

[outerspacekake]

I don’t like actual murder mysteries, but this is perfect

[yourpotatotwiceremooved]

THE ORIGINAL POST HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY

[b00bconnoisseur]

@sadamericanorca

[mishkatelwarriorgoddess]

THIS. IS. AWESOME.

[funnytwittertweets]

[boo-topia]

I made some blobs for yall

[pissfizz]

A platypus?

[boo-topia]

[pissfizz]

PERRY THE PLATYPUS???

[straightboyfriend]

omg tumblypoos???? has anyone heard of water??? its particles are so smol they are cute lil cinnamon buns???? & if you drink it cold it tastes so good???? it has no taste but like its so refreshing why is no one talking about this lol….

[dumbasian-moved-deactivated2017]

this post is gonna crawl out of the computer and kill me

[sweetoothgirl]

Rich Chocolate Ice Cream

[salticid]

[rouxlz-kaard]

[peppapigvevo]

wh.. . what

[fairy-made]

fran….what about….the first bit…..

[hahaveryfunny-deactivated202109]

└( ° ͜ʖ͡°)┐Born too late to explore the Earth, born too soon to explore the Galaxy. Born just in time to post DANK ℳℰℳℰS └( ° ͜ʖ͡°)┐

[raehstudios]

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo STEVE

nope, bucky’s definitely innocent

(please don’t save, repost or trace!!)

follow me on twitter, instagram, and/or tiktok if you like 😙✌🏼

[eurobeatbeetle]

bring out the rotating tiger

[fivehoursofscreaming]

so youre telling me that some asshole can just throw together meaningless shit and get notes and attention yet when i put actual thought into the things i say nothing happens i am so fucking done with this bullshit god damn fuck