Could you explain the whole "i donāt really have depression, iām actually just a lazy piece of shit" = you've got depression, thing? It rang a bell for me and I'd like to know what you meant. Thanks :)
one of the most insidious things about depression is it doesnāt āfeelā like depression. even when you have it, you know you have it, youāve been diagnosedāyou still find yourself thinking, no, nope, this isnāt it, canāt be. itās like the mental illness equivalent of that knight in monty python that keeps going āitās a flesh wound! iām fine, really! this is just a scratch, iāll be up in a moment!ā even after all his limbs have been hacked off and heās lying there helpless.
one of the most common narratives around it is that no one realizes they have depression until they start checking off what they consider to be normal aspects of their livesāandĀ personal character flawsā against the checklist for depression symptoms. really key symptoms include:
constant tiredness, even exhaustion
finding no pleasure or satisfaction in activities they used to like, or that they know should feel good
not seeing the point of doing anything
increased and even unmanageable anxiety and fearfulness
any one of these symptoms drains away your ability to do work, cope with setbacks, overcome difficulties, or stop procrastinating. multiple symptoms create a pretty perfect storm of intertia and anxious self-loathing. you stop doing anything because itās hard to get going, unpleasant while youāre at it, and afterwards thereās no reward. why bother, right? and when youāre always tired you get conservative of what little energy you can manage, and when you only feel emotions on the āempty to miserableā spectrum you get reallyĀ aversive to making mistakes. the whole mess very quickly and very insidiously loads every single thing in your life with toxic emotional baggage. Ā Ā
and then someone says to youā or you say to yourself, āstop being lazyā. and that haunts you forever. because youāre lazy! the work is so easy. everyoneĀ else does it. everyone but you, you lazy asshole, lying around all day not doing this totally easy thing that you should be able to butĀ arenāt.Ā you donāt have depression! of course not. mental illness is for victims, is for blameless innocent people who canāt be blamed for being so understandably sick. but you can be blamed.Ā you have a character flaw, and itās getting worse by the minute.Ā
and that is how people who have been diagnosed, who have been medicated, who have been through therapy, can still spend all day hiding in bed and chewing themselves up over their failure to just somehow magically be a good, healthy, useful person, instead of treating themselves to a sick day and saying āyup! itās depression. i need to be kind to myself.ā
