"And where would you look to find a Bezoar if i asked, Mr Potter?" Snape drawled.
"Oh, i wouldn't need to look Professor, i keep two on me at all times." Harry answered, holding them up. "But if i was looking, I'd check the pockets of the Slytherins first, I mean it is the house of poisoning your enemies. But then I'd check your potion cupboards. If there weren't any there, I'd make sure a complaint is filed with the Board of Governors, then I'd run to Hogsmead."
"Five points for your lip Mr Potter, but why Hogsmead?"
"Oh because of the Headmaster's brother of course." Harry answered smugly.
"Please elucidate for the class what you mean, Mr Potter."
"Didn't you know professor, the ministry of magic ordered all of his goats destroyed. Large herd, he must have oodles of them. Illegal change on the goats, you know."
"And how would you know of this?"
"Professor, when a man leaves you in the care of people who spend every day of your life trying to physically beat the magic out of your blood, when you get sent to muggle child protective services because you show up to school with two much blood of your own blood on you, but when you go back for a follow up, no one remembers you anymore, and when the first time a mediwitch checked your body she started crying because of all the bones she was going to have to re-break so they could heal right," Harry now standing, slowly get louder" Then you can critique my hobby of getting curious. Getting curious and deciding to find out everything I can about people that seem to wish me harm. After all, the honey badger eats poisonous snakes for fun, and lions run when they see one. I just need to remind everyone why!" Harry ended at a yell, breathing hard. Sitting, and suddenly switching to a calm voice, the change jarring "After all, Honey Badgers will even fight elephants, and the fight only ends when the elephant runs or dies"
Nothing Good is Free - an Danny Pantom story prompt
So what if ghost can’t be seen by electronics, Cameras and the like, but the camera can pick up a reflection of a ghost in say a mirror?
No clue how Danny figured this out, but he was working on a project to get extra credit and pull his grades up from failing. He used his phone to record cause the teachers wanted proof he actually did the work. when Technus came to bug him but instead got interested in what he was working on cause it was based on something the ghost had made when they were alive.
Danny decided indulging his obsession was better than fighting, and he gets help with the homework, so he just rolls with it. As expected technus forgets what he originally came for but goes quite a bit overboard explaining the device, physics behind how it works and assembly, though he does respect Danny saying he has to build it himself or it won’t count for school. So technus the ramble on about other projects he worked on while alive. Including an invention that would generate enough electricity to run a house and it was small and had simple enough parts enough that anyone could build it. Another project he had where cars could run on water hammers and only steam vapor would be emitted.
He rambles so long into the night that just when Danny was about to fall asleep his alarm went off and he shoos technus away so he can get the video uploaded and get to class. In his hast Danny accidentally uploads it to YouTube instead of sending it to the teacher, and rushes to get breakfast before school.
Later that day he realized the mistake and had to show the video from his phone to get the credit. Thank god he was smart for once had it on the charger while recording. When he gets home to check where he actually uploaded he finds his YouTube has a bunch of interesting comments. It had somehow reached some college engineering nerds who at first thought it was a funny skit of interviewing Nicola Tesla’s ghost, but when they got the idea to build the home energy device to prove where it was wrong, they themselves got surprised that it Worked!
Key word was Had comments. Cause by the time Danny got home the video somehow was scrubbed from the internet and all Danny had was his email notifications that give a preview of the comments. Oh and now there is a black car pulling up to the house and some government types coming knocking on the door…. And surrounding the house.
How many mad sciency villains saw this trending video before it got taken down? Freeze in Gotham changes out for Tesla's machine that converts earth vibrations to electricity, he can slow down the crime. Riddler hears about wireless transmission of electricity, traps explode in complexity. Ivy and Harley want to meet the kid who might have just provided tools to save the environment through making electricity cheaply and safely, with no emissions and very little waste, only parts breaking down in fact. Do they get there at the same thing time as Waller's men who want to collect the kid who can summon the souls of the dead? Tesla knew about radiation and what it could do much earlier than anyone, did he provide designs about try to cure it that Luthor can use to get hair back? What about anything he learned since passing?
despite what popular opinion may lead you to believe, some rocks actually do have scientifically-proven auras! Unfortunately, those rocks are uranium and the aura is cancer.
Worldcat is my bestie and my one true love!! Not only does it tell you what library a book is at, but it also price compares different used book sites against each other for easy view! It's how I got Tarot For the Master for $10!!
Oh, and since I have your attention: z-library (books and textbooks) and sci-hub (gatekept scientific journal articles.) I just ripped a textbook for class off z-library and snatched a required reading from sci-hub. Life is good and education should be accessible at every stage and station of life.
Santa is on strike due to global warming. All presents this year will be delivered by Sasha the Christmas Tiger. Milk and cookies may not be sufficient.
Whenever I’m reading a Danny phantom fic I have this habit of stepping back from it and thinking
Maybe, right now, this is another of the many many timelines. Maybe everything I’ve read and everything I will read is just a potential reality, a branch, a future that Clockwork (the reader-viewer-me) is seeing.
I’ve done this for AUs, crossovers, and other various one shots and prompts. Every story pulls the same thought from me—what if this isn’t the true story of Danny’s life but some innocuous timeline that only Clockwork will ever see.
I've thought this same thing repeatedly, my headcanon is that there are actually a council of Clockworks, maybe with slightly different names or appearances, that help each other out to save as many Dannys as they can across the multiple realities and timeliness, through all the cracks and supplies and time branches. They work to help free each other from observants when necessary. This is of coarse, part off a greater Phantomverse.
Red Hood heard about him from the street kids first. They talked about a guy with dark hair and green eyes treating a kid’s broken wrist flawlessly, before using bandages on any other injuries, no matter if they came from the battle or not. He asked for permission to touch them, and talked a younger kid through how to remove shrapnel from a cut on their skin. When the battle was done and the kids were okay, he simply vanished.
He heard it from the working girls next. They told him how he had picked one of them up after their leg had gotten caught under some concrete. The guy had carried her to a nearby alley that was safe and apologized for picking her up without permission before treating her broken ankle. He hadn’t asked for anything in return, and after he confirmed she was OK he was gone.
Some of his men started having similar stories. They all talked about a guy with a black hair and bright green eyes helping them, talking through their injuries with them and getting permission to treat them. How this guy would vanish, but sometimes he would return with another goon who is unconscious, all of his injuries already treated. The Medic, as they began to call him, never stayed for very long. He also didn’t seem to care which side you fought on, just if you were hurt.
They were pretty sure that the guy was a Meta. While he would bandage any normal injuries and use normal ways to help with things like sprained wrists or broken ankle, sometimes when he arrived with people who are unconscious, he arrived with those who they all thought were dead. Frank had gotten a bullet through his stomach and trapped under rubble, but Medic brought him back to them with only a bandage tied around his abdomen.
Later, Frank would tell them how his eyes didn’t hurt anymore and his arthritis seems to heal overnight
The kid never saved any of the heroes before. It was clear he was only working in Crime Alley, and if he had helped a rogue in Crime Alley, it was without anyone noticing.
Maybe that was why Jason was so surprised when he met Lazer green eyes as he was dying for the second time. Maybe that was why he was so bewildered when he woke up in one of his warehouse warehouses to his men talking about how the boss almost got killed and Medic saved him.
Maybe that’s why it took him a few days to notice that the pit rage was gone.
Red Hood should have realized how much trouble it was going to cause when The Medic approaches him, on top of a water tower, to ask his permission to open a mobile vaccine clinic in the coming days. Red Hood was very startled to realize he wasn't alone atop the small space. The Medic was polite though, only asking for permission, it was one of the last things he said though, that had caused Jason to wonder, just a small thing he said in traps to the question of why he was doing this now, "oh, I finally finished synthesis of a permanent immunization to some of the nastier things in the air and water." Then he had stepped off the water tower and disappeared into the shadows.
And in a couple days, there was a large mobile clinic. The thing looked like it was more armored than the bat tank, but the side was open with a last of shots offered, and a line around the corner. Red Hood started working his way up from the back, noticing the Medic at the back of the line with a clip board, signing people in, giving them forms, and helping them fill them. As he worked up the line, he again noticed the Medic, giving toys to children, or candy, talking to people, making sure the forms were filled correctly. There was a couple booths along the way, with information about health, giving out free water filters, and even giving packets of gently used clothes out. He recognized people working the boys from people the medic has saved before. He also noticed the medic helping them, helping answer questions, dropping off supplies as they got low. Eventually he got to the actual immunization booth, and again found the medic sitting giving out the shots, along with two other people he didn't recognize, but they were moving quickly and efficently. "Hood, here for your healthy pokes?" The Medic greeted him. Hood turned to look, but all the other places the Medic had been, he was no longer there. He turned back, "sure, what are we looking at?" He looked down at the medic quickly pulling out and proposing vials, "cold, flu, booster for many of the common communicable stuff, and these two should make people immune to the two main poisons in the water and air, one that cause some form of laughing fit, and another that causes an uncontrollable flight or fight response" he names as he points at the lined up vials, Red Hood freezes, "you figured out a permanent fix for fear gas, and joker venom?!?" The medic looks up at him alarmed for a second, "should i not have? I mean if people are using it or fun... should i have been warning them ?" "No!" Red Hood interrupts the mounting panic on the Medic's face, "no.." more calmly he continues, "those two things run lives, if you think this will fix them, or even lesson the effects, people will take it." "Oh good, was afraid i did something wrong. Ready for your pokes?"
Knowing he cured the pit rage, Jason found himself believing and trusting the strange man, and happily sat for his shots. He also made sure the clinic would have around the clock guards. It did keep it's doors open for hours, long past dark, servicing the working ladies, with some even getting to go inside with the goth girl Hood saw working with the medic. They came out with extra band aids. He stopped one to make sure, but found that inside was a hallway, with doors, and what appeared to be exam rooms from what the people who went in had seen. It was odd they saw a long halfway though, that appeared to be liner than the trailer, but the Medic appeared to be a weird guy. But they were able to get extra care for things they classified as none of Hood's business.
____________________
Later in the night his men had called, Sidonis made a move on the van. Lots of guys, lots of guns, and they had charged inside. His men were calling for backup. The Medic was already outside treating his guys with his friends, and seemed unconcerned about what the thugs were doing inside his clinic. When Hood got there, it was too see all his men already bandaged, bullets removed, and sitting on blankets being spread out by the Medic's friends who were giving orders on resting wounds.
He landed, looking around. The door creaked open, his men starting to tense, but the Medic stepped down to the street, a black mask grasped in one hand. "Need help?" Hood offered stepping up, "no, thank you, here," he said holding out the mask, "that man won't need this while he gets treatment." "Treatment?" Hood questions. "Why yes, one of the worst cases I've ever seen, he came down with a really bad case of Stupid, it appeared to even be contagious, can you believe? Luckily we caught it in time, it was damn near Terminal. I think I'm going to have to hold onto them until I'm completely sure it is cured. Don't want a relapse, now do we?"
The medic grinned at him, Jason felt himself grin back "Seems he almost caught his death of it, didn't he?"
"Don't worry, I'll have them back to Good Spirits, one way or another.."
Both men laughed loudly, neither noticing the strange echoes made by their laughs down the street.
As the laughter died down the Medic turned to him, suddenly very serious, "now i hear you have something of a clown infestation?" Hood nods, throat going dry, the medic nodded as well, "Dont you worry your pretty little helmet, I think i have just what the Dr ordered..."
This is inspired by the fact that no one tells me shit 😭 how come I only found out today that my taxes were due and NO ONE TOLD ME A DAMN THING UNTIL MY SISTER TOLD ME LESS THAN 3 HOURS BEFORE MY EXAM?!? HELLO?!? (I passed tho yippee!)
I have a hc that Jazz does really crazy, but relatively harmless crimes, like she doesn’t do her taxes, always goes 30 mph over the speed limit (but somehow has never gotten into or caused a car accident), and steals the pens from office desks in big companies.
Image description below:
It is a single picture of Jazz and Jason. Jason is hunched over his desk, writing on some papers with a calculator next to him. He has a hand on his forehead, looking exasperated and stressed. Jazz is standing to the side, looking shocked and panicked, holding up a paper that says ‘taxes’.
Jazz: Why are we doing taxes?! Aren’t you a crime lord?!
Jason: Princess, even the Joker is scared of the IRS.
I think it's considered Phanon (see what i did there) that the Fentons do taxes weird, like break into the IRS in the middle of the night to file their taxes, when they do finally remember.
They would have a habit of accidently filling the forms in with written ghost speech, instead of English, adding summoning circles that activate on touch, and now the office is haunted, their little town house is a liminal space, so property sizes require variables to explain how big they actual are, as sizes change depending on moon phase, tides, and planet alignments +- a certain margin of error, and Maddy definetly did the math for it, because she is trying to logic out ghosts, and it seemed interesting, and so she wore the whole thing in the space for property size, and the auditor looks at it, gets angry, goes in person, gets the FULL Fenton experience, something in the fridge tries to eat them, they go downstairs, and their is a giant portal right there, and something tries to drag you in when Jack isn't watching, you spend hours in the ghost zone, fleeing for your life, some kid saves you and pushed you back through the portal, you aren't sure if he is a goat is not, you just had a harrowing couple hours in the goat zone, you are back and only two minutes passed, so you can't even claim it on a time sheet, and Jack is still talking about his current invention. You get out as fast as you can, and go back to the office with tales of flying ghost ships, and skeletons fighting an endless war, and fish people that were trying to eat you. Office says you have a breakdown, puts you on leave.
Then the file goes to someone else, who goes in planning to measure the size of the building, but find inside size, living room, through halfway, to kitchen, is actually twice as long as on the outside of the house, you start trying to build a floor map, and then Fentons just let you, they have nothing to hide, and you turn a corner, and you are in the backrooms, who's you spend trying to get out, to map it, but it keeps changing, the walls move when you aren't watching, for weeks you try to find your way out, to chance on to your briefcase you lost, you open it, looking for anything to help, to find the paperwork the Fentons filed, and what liked like gibberish before suddenly makes sense, the inside of the house is variable, and changes on a complicated schedule, but now you have it, so you start trying to map or the changes, you start getting closer, and a teenage boy turns a corner ahead of you, his eyes light up, "oh, there you are, hadn't seen you for about an hour and worried you got lost, let's get you back where you are supposed to be," grabs your hand and starts dressing you through a winding path, illusion walking through two walks that he can't feel, "false walls," the kid explains, "they'll get you every time," and suddenly you are in the living room, you turn around to watch the door you walked through slowly sink into the wall and it of existence. "Did you get everything you needed?" The boy asks with a smile. The auditor nods, and flees out the front door, coming back to the office 'raving mad'.
Next a supervisor goes, only to get stuck on an endless staircase for days, only to be rescued by the teenage boy, to find only five minutes have passed.
The next never makes it to the house, as he turns on to the right street, he sees the house in the distance, on the corner, with the awful additions to it, only to just not be able to drive there, for hours driving down the same street, houses repeating, over and over, that house always at the end of the street, as perspective lurches into infinity. Past the point of panicking, especially after realizing the street is empty and devoid of people any more, they finally see a boy holding up a sign, they are going too fast to read it, but they see him again and again as space loops, "to go back, just turn around" they slam on the breaks, they come to a stop near the boy, he waves, points at the sign and turns and starts walking down the street. The supervisor turns around and in seconds is at the end of the street. They look at the time to realize it had been two minutes. They go back to the office and ban audits of that family. The accounting alone for payroll for these events is a nightmare. Imagine trying to explain months if overtime in a single day to someone who hasn't 'lived' it.
I do believe it's canon that the Fentons break into city hall to file taxes, if you live in a small place, property taxes happen at an office in city hall. That would be the locals though, and they don't question it, if the Fentons filed it already, they don't have to actually look at it and risk sudden paranormal manifestation.
aka: Danny and Selina Go ‘Shopping,’ Vlad Contemplates Early Retirement
It was supposed to be a quiet evening.
Bruce had just finished cleaning up after Killer Croc tried to take a swim in the Batcave’s underground river. Jason was pretending not to be feeding said crocodile marshmallows. Damian was finally asleep. Vlad had finally stopped twitching.
And then the manor security pinged.
Selina Kyle had entered the building.
“She let herself in?” Vlad asked, panic creeping up his spine.
“She has a key,” Bruce said, like that was normal.
In the Foyer
Selina swept in like a thunderstorm wearing a designer coat and nine lives of attitude.
Danny peeked around the corner with a cookie in hand, blinked, and whispered, “Whoa, you’re pretty.”
Selina paused, blinked, and slowly turned her full attention to the glowing teenager in pajama pants and an oversized “I ♥️ Goth Dad” hoodie.
“…Bruce,” she called out. “When were you going to tell me you adopted the cutest haunted Muppet in the multiverse?”
Danny smiled, then phased through the banister to greet her properly.
Selina raised a brow. “Oh. You’re that kind of weird. I like it.”
Fifteen Minutes Later
Bruce came downstairs to find Danny and Selina curled up on the couch, looking through jewel heist magazines.
“You know,” Selina said, sipping tea, “if you’re going to ghost into vaults, you need a better eye for sparkle. See this? That’s a decoy ruby. Always check for weight.”
Danny nodded like he was in school. “Ohhh. So you taste test them?”
Selina: “Only if they’re cursed. Or chocolate.”
Bruce: “What is happening.”
Danny: “Auntie Selina’s teaching me jewel ethics.”
Selina: “You don’t steal from orphans, old ladies, or drag queens. Everyone else is fair game.”
Bruce: “Selina.”
Danny: “She said I have ‘klepto potential with a conscience.’ Is that good?”
Vlad—who had just entered—froze mid-step like he’d walked into a live wire.
“You—NO. You do not get to take the ghost child on a crime internship!”
Selina: “I’m just saying if he happens to pass through a high-security vault and happens to see an unguarded emerald—”
“SE-LI-NA!”
She winked. Danny grinned. Bruce gave up and left the room.
The Shopping Trip (aka “Field Study”)
Selina took Danny out in the evening with Bruce’s very reluctant permission and a tracker.
They visited:
A high-end gallery (“Just browsing,” she said. Danny later ‘accidentally’ phased the security guard into a closet so Selina could critique the fake Fabergé eggs.)
A black market fence with a secret greenhouse out back (“For the vibes,” Danny claimed. He gifted the fence a ghost orchid. The man cried.)
A hidden thrift shop with literal cursed rings (Danny picked one up, sneezed, and the ring de-cursed itself. Selina clapped.)
They returned three hours later, with:
One vintage cat brooch that now purrs
A cursed diamond that is now a mildly annoyed diamond
Danny wearing eyeliner and a leather jacket
Back at the Manor
Jason: “You gave the haunted child a fashion upgrade. I respect it.”
Damian: “That’s my eyeliner.”
Cass: thumbs up
Vlad: “You. Let. Selina. Kyle. Take. Him. Shopping.”
Bruce: “He came back with everything accounted for and an enchanted purse that bites pickpockets. That’s more than most of us can say.”
Selina ruffled Danny’s hair. “He’s got potential. Chaos with a heart of gold. Reminds me of me at that age. But cuter.”
Danny: “She said if I ever want to become a cat burglar, I already have the purr-sonality.”
Bruce sighed so hard it activated the Batcomputer’s wind sensor.
Vlad, deadpan: “I’m going to scream.”
Danny patted his arm gently. “Auntie Selina says I’m the ghost that haunts the wealthy. Isn’t that nice?”
aka: Danny Becomes Harley and Ivy’s New Favorite, Vlad Loses More Hair
Vlad was begging Bruce at this point. Begging.
“Keep him inside for one day, Brucie. Please. For my heart. For my blood pressure. For Gotham’s structural integrity.”
Bruce just took a sip of his black coffee and said, “He’s helping Ivy. It’s fine.”
Vlad gaped. “Helping—Ivy?!”
“Mmhm. Something about cross-referencing chlorokinetic frequencies with ecto-resonance.”
“That’s NOT A SENTENCE A CHILD SHOULD SAY—”
Bruce: “He asked first.”
Meanwhile – Ivy’s Greenhouse (Technically a Crime Lair)
Pamela Isley stood with arms crossed, watching as Danny held a softly glowing green hand over a wilting rose hybrid.
He hummed.
The flower perked up.
The surrounding vines quivered, then bloomed in synchronized delight.
“…He’s not Photosynthesizing,” Ivy whispered.
Harley peeked out from the couch, where she was doing her nails and sipping a neon slushie. “He’s ghost-synthesizing! Told ya!”
Danny looked up and smiled. “It’s like ghost CPR. I’m not a botanist, but I can nudge their ambient soul energy.”
“…Plants don’t have souls,” Ivy said, a bit flat.
Danny patted the vine beside him. It curled around his wrist like a cat and purred.
“…I stand corrected.”
Chaos, But Make It Helpful
Harley was already calling him “Spooky Nibbles” by hour two. (“'Cause ya nibble on chaos, kiddo!”)
Danny, somehow, was:
Helping Ivy revive a nearly extinct bioluminescent flower.
Fixing Harley’s blender with ghost tech so it never jammed again.
Casually mentioning he once made a haunted terrarium that ate cheaters in lab.
“I like this one,” Ivy said, very seriously. “Can we keep him?”
Harley nodded. “He’s got Big Gremlin Energy. Like me but with glowy hands.”
Danny beamed. “Thanks! Uncle Vlad says I’m a walking supernatural violation.”
Pam looked at Vlad, who had finally shown up and was hovering at the doorway like a stressed Victorian governess.
“You never said your godson was delightful,” she said.
“He’s not!” Vlad hissed. “He’s a menace with manners!”
Harley leaned over and whispered to Ivy, “He’s got good ankles too. Vlad’s lucky I’m married.”
Ivy: “So is Vlad.”
Later That Day: A Totally Normal, Casual Ghost Plant Uprising
The rogue CEO of GreenerCorp—an evil pharmaceutical company known for shady testing—arrived to “reclaim his investment” and “teach Isley a lesson.”
Danny stared at him across Ivy’s garden.
CEO Guy: “You’re just a kid. I’m not scared of you.”
Danny: “Oh. That’s okay.”
He raised a hand.
The temperature dropped.
The soil glowed.
Plants started whispering in languages no one understood. A massive vine rose behind Danny, pulsing with ghostly energy. The CEO tripped backward into his own security guard.
Danny took a step forward and said, very politely:
“You should leave before the ghost roses start asking questions.”
The CEO screamed.
Ivy gave him a sticker that said “You Messed With The Wrong Garden.”
Harley filmed the whole thing and posted it with the caption:
“Our spooky nephew made a man pee himself 💚🖤🌿👻”
Later – Back at the Manor
Bruce watched the footage.
Vlad was face-down on the couch, groaning into a throw pillow.
Tim had already turned the video into a meme.
Damian was inspecting one of the ghost plants Danny brought back. “Can I keep it?”
Cass nodded. “It likes you.”
Jason: “He’s now officially in the Ivy-Harley inner circle. That’s better than the damn Mayor.”
Danny poked his head in from the kitchen, covered in potting soil and ghost glitter.
“I made ecto-compost cookies! They’re great for photosynthesis and graveyard shifts.”
Vlad: screaming internally again
Bruce patted Vlad’s back. “He’s doing well.”
“He joined a villain gardening cult.”
“They like him.”
“EVERYONE LIKES HIM.”
“Maybe you should try it.”
Vlad made a sound like a dying Roomba and walked straight into the wall.
aka: He Said ‘Please’ Before Throwing a Man Into the River
Vlad was convinced now. Convinced that Danny was playing the longest, most chaotic, sugar-dusted con in existence.
Because everyone in Wayne Manor was falling for it.
Bruce had offered to let Danny shadow him on patrol. The man who trusted no one, not even his own toothbrush, had handed over a stealth suit and said, “Just keep to rooftops for now.” And Danny—sweet, shining, horror-child Danny—had nodded solemnly, promised to follow the rules, and then baked power bars for the Batfam before they left.
“Do not eat these,” Vlad warned, dramatically pointing to the bag. “They’re probably cursed. Or contain caffeine in unnatural quantities. Or powdered ghost pepper.”
Jason bit into one. “Mmm. Is that cinnamon?”
“They’re ghost-infused,” Danny said. “Boosts stamina and shields against low-level hexes.”
“I like this kid,” Jason said with his mouth full.
Later That Night: Gotham, 2:17 AM
It was a quiet patrol. Eerily quiet. Bruce was starting to feel unsettled. Not because there wasn’t crime (it was Gotham, come on), but because Danny was exactly where he was supposed to be.
On the comms, he sounded calm. Observant. Even helpful.
“Nightwing,” Danny said politely, “you’ve got a guy two roofs behind you holding a camera with a suspicious lens. Might be paparazzi.”
Dick checked. “Confirmed. You’ve got sharp eyes, kid.”
“Thanks! I used to have to keep track of invisible enemies and ghost wraiths back home, so spotting guys in beanies is kind of a vacation.”
Jason snorted. “Okay, but if he starts hovering again, I’m bailing. No one told me I’d be working with Casper.”
“Casper wishes he had my dodge stats,” Danny replied sweetly.
And then they reached the warehouse.
The intel had said “minor drug deal.”
What it actually was? A gang-run blood ritual involving some kind of ancient Gotham artifact, two rogue mages, and at least one very punchable demon with a man bun.
Bruce was about to give the team orders when—
“Excuse me,” Danny said over the comms.
There was a crash.
A scream.
And a large, extremely tattooed man was suddenly airborne, launched straight through the air by a glowing teenager with a blinding smile and zero hesitation.
SPLASH. Into the river.
Everyone froze.
“…Did he just suplex a man into the Gotham River?” Tim asked.
“He said excuse me,” Steph whispered, horrified and impressed.
“He said please when he knocked the other guy out,” Damian muttered. “I watched.”
On the other side of the warehouse, Danny hovered above the last gang member, eyes glowing, voice still gentle.
“Hi. You seem like you’re rethinking your life choices. Want to surrender before I have to do more cardio?”
The guy dropped his knife and cried.
Back at the Cave
Danny was back in the kitchen, once again wearing his “I cook with spirit” apron, handing out celebratory cookies. Damian was scowling less. Cass had silently handed him one of her spare blades. Even Tim had given him the “you can’t be trusted, but I vibe with it” nod.
Bruce stared at the footage on the Batcomputer.
Danny, calm. Danny, efficient. Danny, using polite phrasing while delivering WWE-level combat moves with glowing fists and sparkles trailing behind him.
Vlad, across the cave, pointed furiously.
“SEE? SEE?! Look at him! LOOK AT THIS!”
“He’s very polite,” Bruce said.
“He suplexed a man through the roof of a warehouse!”
“And said please.”
“HE BIT A SORCERER LAST WEEK.”
“He apologized after,” Tim added helpfully. “I checked the audio. He said, and I quote, ‘Sorry! That’s the ectoplasm talking!’”
“He vaporized a ghost snake in front of Commissioner Gordon and then offered him a tissue,” Steph noted, scrolling through her photos. “It was weirdly wholesome.”
Vlad slumped dramatically into the nearest chair. “I am surrounded by idiots. Gotham is cursed. My nephew is a gremlin in cherub’s clothing and I am losing my mind.”
Danny poked his head in, oven mitts on. “Uncle Vlad? I made brownies with ecto-marshmallow. Want one?”
Bruce came too, a ringing in his ears, blood covered some of his vision as his eyes tried to focus, blinking away the blood and the dust, his fingers twitched, he waited trying listen to his body as his fingers felt for what he was wearing, finally confirming the fabric, suitcoat, burnholes, he was at the company. But why could he feel the wind, there were no opening windows this high... high... the Board meeting, this was his board meeting suit, but why was he unconscious? Board meetings were not the place to be unconscious...
Rolling slowly to his side, he stared, trying to understand what he was looking at. The large window was broken, a mix of shatter damage and melt damage, grenade no that isn't it, who could throw one that high, rocket propelled something... that twigged something in his memory, his head hurt, he just needed to remember, sharp shooting pain... rocket... rocket... The Rocket!?!
He remembers now, one of the board members talking, something, something, mistress, whatever it was wasnt important, he looked out the window, catching a glint on a roof. An out of place glint, he looks out these windows often during board meetings, he knows what flints are where, focusing he sees the face of a clown mask grining up at him, and... that's a rocket launcher being fired, he turns, 'Rocket!' He barks out, Tim looking up at him, then down at his coffee then up at him before eyes widen, Good his Tim knows what to do, Tim covers his laptop with his body, dammit Tim, he sees Damian in the corner standing up, scanning the room, and then diving for the corner covering his head, board members looking up in surprise, but not moving, 'get down' he yells, probably closer to Batman than Bruce, not now he'll worry about that later, he picks Tim up, chairs and all and throws him to the other corner away from the window, that's all he had time for before sound explodes behind him.
He tries to start moving, his body isn't reacting the way he expects it too, slow, pain, he waits a sec, trying to listen to what is happening around him...
As the ringing starts to leave, it is replaced by laughing, a high reedy laugh, a wheezing laugh, he knows that laugh, Joker is here. He tries to get to his feet, but finds his body only manages a half flop the other direction, changing his point of view. He looks up to the noise he hears under the laughing, Damian standing against a team of clowns, half of them already down, bleeding from multiple cuts, 'i thought Alfred took those' he wonders... the clowns armed with what appear to be tools, hammers, saws, hand scythe used to collect grain, oh those are the 'tools of the working class' its a joke. Bruce wonders if it should be funny. Hey Damian is doing pretty good, maybe Bruce should get him ice cream... No wait, vegetarian, they make vegetarian ice cream, right? Wait focus, joke, was it funny? Would Tim find it funny? Where is Tim by the way?
His eyes roamed, centering in on the cackling, to find Tim?!? No the cackling is coming from the person holding Tim, Tim looks tired, Tim should really start sleeping more, that person isn't holding right, he is holding him up by the hair, that isn't how you hold a Tim! Bruce tries to get up again to show that person how to hold a Tim correctly, he manages a sort of lift, but gets stopped on a knee. This is hard, this assists to be a bad day, maybe he should go back to sleep, hey sleep, Tim needs sleep, he looks up looking for Tim again to put him to bed, he sees Tim blinking fast, like he is fighting to stay awake, like he is fighting a concussion. Oh Tim is concussed, that means he shouldn't sleep, even if he looks so tired... oh that strange man is helping Tim to not sleep, he doesn't need to be so rough about it though, he is holding something up to Tim's back, what is that he knows it's a thing, he is sure he remembers what it is... he remembers Barbara.
He remembers Barbara and Tim trying to teach Damian how to play a game while he read the paper. He remembers Damian's roar of outrage, as he launching himself off the back of the couch, knife first, aimed at Tim, he had lept to his feet to catch Damian, mid leap to stop the fratricide. Tim had looked up, mildly alarmed, "oh, were you trying to stab me again? I was trying to teach you how to beat him though, i was showing you the move I'm gonna teach you..." Tim looked so tired. Barbara watched the interaction with glee. Damian had calmed down much faster than usual, "Apologies Drake, I thought you meant to compound my humiliation by showing my powerlessness and bright Barbara as a witness to my failings. Yeah me this move to make my enemy powerless to my skill." Bruce had set Damian back down, no longer needing to intervene. As he sat, he didn't pick up the newspaper. Barbara started to explain, " The trick is, you need to get your enemy airborne, we'll go over different ways to do it, but once they are in the air, you have to keep them there, they are mostly powerless, only a few ways to escape which we will go over as well." "Ttch, the physics of this game leaves much to be desired" "Actually," Tim interjected, " I have seen both Kid Flash and older Superboy pull this off during fights against stronger enemies." "Really?" Damian asked leaning forward, "I'll tell you later, let's get back to the game for now. Now this move set is called 'The Perfect Combo'" Damian frowned "But shouldn't a perfect combo be the same every time?" "No Damian, it's called perfect because it is so hard to break. You can beat someone to knockout, and watch, Tim do the thing!" He watched as one character upper cutted the other into the air, and proceeded to punch them over and over, as the character spun and spun, before finally being released and falling, the game announcing "Perfect!" Across the screen. "Perfect Combo" Damian whispered...
The cackling interrupted the memory, he focused to find he had managed to get to his feet, looking down he had his hands on his knees, he looked up at the god awful noise that interrupted his memory of his kids, his best kids, all his kids were his best kids he should get them something, that laughing interrupted again, he looked over when he heard a gasp of pain, Damian was holding one shoulder, knifes still locked in hand, there were less clowns standing now, but it looked like one had hurt his kids, he reached for his belt, for a Batarang to throw, Batarang what a silly name, that Dick came up with. Oh there are no Batarangs, huh people that hurt kids get things thrown at them, that's the rule, Bruce didn't make that up... or maybe he did... he couldn't remember right now. He felt around for something to throw, he felt wood, looking down someone left a pile of wood here, wow same cookie as that desk in the meeting room, what a coincidence, he heard another gasp from Damian, right, throw things at bad people, bad clowns especially, he liked over then down to find he had lifted the wood without noticing, right throw, throw, he remembers Superman throwing a car at a alien once, he remembers the form, bend knees, dip and lift, and follow through with the bend on the release... a loud noise startles him, and refocusing, all the bad clowns scaring Damian are gone. Damian looks at him in surprise, why is Damian surprised he got rid of the scary clowns. Bruce loves his kids...
Interupted by laughing again, That damned, insufferable laughing, he looks over at the clown holding His Tim, by the hair, pointing something at the board members who were seated near the broken windows more clowns near them, the clown continues speaking, Bruce finally able to start understanding him, "As I was saying, Brucie here installed all this accessibility stuff, wheel chair access, braille, and what not, and barely anyone uses it, so i was thinking i could help his kids show their appreciation for Daddy dearest by using all that special stuff he put in this place, and since the boys and I were coming to unionize the place and seize the means of production anyway, it wasn't our of our way to be so helping, you know the boys right?" he motions to the side, and then not hearing a response, turns and looks, "where are my guys?!?" Bruce turns to look for them too, wait, did he mean the clowns, Bruce remembers and tries to get it out "they... they... " " what Brucie, they what?" The clown demands. "They scared my kid, so i made them go away..." the Joker looks back to Damian, who points at the hole in the wall some feet and legs sticking out of it, "God, who gave Brucie venom?" The Joker chokes out before laughing. Bruce tries to remember, venom is something, a bad something, he knows he remembers, it's a drug, "no clown, drugs are bad!" Bruce says with emphasis. Bruce has to be a good example to his kids... "oh shit, Brucie here has a concusion and doesn't even know what's going on..." the clown wheezed again "I think this might be the best joke I've ever told!" He broke down into cackling again. Bruce felt himself smile, he likes jokes, the clown was talking again, Bruce tried to understand "... see children, he barely knows what's going on, I can do whatever I want, and he won't know until after, it does take some of the fun out of it, but the punchline will be killer!" he holds that piece of metal against Tim's back, wait Bruce knows what that is, it's a gun!!
A Loud noise brings Bruce to awareness again, he is holding something up in his hand if feels like another hand and something metal, as he is looking at it, his vision follows the other arm down to a weird face. It looks pinched and loose in the wrong places, a big smile, but a strange pinched one, "you have a funny face funny man..." Bruce hears from his own mouth, how strange? The face smooths out and pinches in another strange way, Bruce finds himself laughing... wait, this clown tried to hurt his Tim, he looks around and sees Tim, "My Tim! Hi Tim!" Tim looks up at him in shock, when did Tim sit down?
The laugh interupts again, "this is comedy gold, Bruce Wayne with a concussion, what's wrong Brucie boy, don't want your boy in a wheelchair? I thought you liked kids in wheelchairs?"
Bruce was still looking down at Tim, "Tim, you can get a wheelchair if you want, but just talk to me first. I'll make sure we get you the best wheelchair, just like Barbara, whatever wheelchair you want. " Barbara, Barbara, who was that again, wheelchair? Oh, he remembers, a woman's familiar voice "Now Damian, the easiest way to start is to grab your enemy, and throw them upwards" he feels himself grabbing the clown with his other hand, "bad clown, no scaring my kids, they are my kids, not yours, mine" he lifts the clown up with the hand not holding the gun. He remembers the voice again, "now Damian, timing is critical, you have to punch just as the person starts to fall, weight hasn't reasserted again, so it is lower, and a punch can keep them up... you 8have to be fast, fast and strong" Bruce starts to punch upwards, like a machine, perfect timing, thoughts slipping away, just like punching a bag, he felt the bag start to slip away, the woman's voice returns, "Now Damian, if they break out of the punch combo, like we showed you, then you switch to the kick combo, it gets harder, but it is still possible, we will show you that next, and if you time it right, you can switch right back to the punch combo..." Bruce felt himself line up his legs and kicked out and up, stepping forward and punch the bag up again, punch after punch, punch after punch, once more he hears the voice, "now Damian, if the manage to escape the kick combo, or you are worried they will, you just regrab them. Then you can do what you want with them." Bruce started to come to, looking at that word face again, it was different colors now, not that weird white, red, and green, it was before, now they're are purples and blue, like a rainbow, Bruce heard himself giggle at the joke, "rainbows..."
"The Perfect Combo, it is real" he hears a quiet voice from behind him.
Another memory comes to him, playing video games with Dick and Barbara, he kept losing, both would just throw energy attacks at him across the screen, and he couldn't get closer. He rememberes telling them, "you know, I met a Tibetan monk who could do that." "Sure Bruce" "No really, I tried to learn it, but he said I needed a query mind to do it, and I just couldn't quiet it enough" His kids didn't believe him then. He'd show his kids it was possible, he took a deep breathe in, feeling the energy fill his core, breathe the air out, hold the energy, breathe more energy in, hold, air out,
What a loud screaching sound, Bruce opens his eyes to see a very disheveled Joker, bruised face, torn suit, barely standing, holding a metal stick with red on top, what was Bruce doing again, if yeah, showing his kids, what was the name of the move from Dick's game again, "Hadouken!!!" He felt the energy leave his body, suddenly feeling very tired. He fell to his knees just as he watched the Joker flying backwards into the doors of the boardroom.
The doors had barely been opened before, just open enough to let people in. He remembers standing next to his father looking down at those doors before they were hung. "Solid," his father told him, "completely solid, good foundation, these doors are made to be as solid as our morals Bruce. When someone comes to negotiate against us, they have to fight to open these doors the same way you will make them fight to move your morals. Remember Bruce, if your foundation is strong enough, you don't have to move, the world will move to your strength" Bruce remembers his father smiling at him after trying to get him to pull the doors open after they were hung. Bruce watched as Joker hit one door with enough momentum to bounce sideways into the frame of the other partially opened door, being stopped very suddenly on the other door, eventually falling to land between the doors...
As he watched Joker collapse, he felt darkness closing in on him, calls of "Father" and "dad" helping him to perk up, "doors," he mumbles, giggling a little, "funny joke dad" he gets out before gravity finally wins.
_______________
Bruce comes too, to whistling, a song he hasn't heard in years, not since... he freezes... "Jaylad?!?" He is afraid to open his eyes in case it isn't true. "Oh hey pops, i was just bringing you another get well gift from me." Bruce finally opens his eyes to find himself in the Batcave medbay, Jason trying to make room for a teddy bear the same size as he is, and considering his SIZE he doesn't know how he got it in. The teddy bear is wearing something similar to the Red Hood suit. There are flowers on almost every other surface around the room, get well cards, and framed pictures, "Wait, what, Jaylad, why are we here?!?" Jason huffs, starts to say something, then freeze, "what's the last you remember?" Bruce tries to think back, "Patrol?"
Jason sets down the bear and starts picking out the frames from the flowers, "Bruce, your last patrol was a week ago. You have been unconscious for days. Doc was afraid this might happen." Jason hands over the frames.
Bruce looks down to find clipped and framed headlines, and starts to sorry through them.
'Bruce Wayne pulls Perfect Combo IRL',
'Bruce Wayne throws real Hadouken!',
'Drs estimate Joker punched and kicked over 300 times in less than a single minute',
'Joker expected to require years for recovery, Drs says near every bone fractured, even worse than when Batman beat Joker!',
'Is Bruce Wayne a Video Game Meta, and does than make us all NPCs?'
'Who would win, Bruce Wayne or Batman, experts say toss up!',
'Is Bruce Wayne Dangerous? "What kind of dumbass question is that?" Reponds Commissioner Gordon!'
'Where is Bruce now? Co-ceo Tim Drake-Wayne says still recovering, Tim himself showing up still in bandages'
Bruce looks up to Jason Grinning at him, a grin he hasn't seen in a long time, "And this pile is my favorite memes I printed out for you!"
Bruce looks at Jay questioningly, but finally looks down, at his face pasted over the kid from 'a Christmas Story' in the scene where he beats the bully, who has Joker's face.
Next his face again over that of a knight of some kind "i used to be an adventure like you, until i took a rocket launcher to the knee, then i got back up and beat the face paint off that clown!"
Bruce looks up at Jason, grinning down at him, "I dont get it." "Its from a video game Bruce" Jay responded grin widening, "No Jay, i don't get it, what happened?"
Tim and Danny shopping in the mall for Christmas presents for Tim's family. Of course they get a duck candle for Jason, named Yorick.
Joker invades the mall, Danny goes green eyes, Tim feels the cold air, a voice growls "clown..." with an underlay of screams, Danny pulls an item at random from the bag and chucks it with all his strength. Tim gets knocked back from wind as the sound barrier is broken as Yorick hits mach duck, before instantly braining Joker at 50 paces, clown goes over the balcony from the impact. Tim looks to see Danny staring at him in horror, "oh my ancients Tim, im so sorry, do you think Yorrick is ok?"they rush down, and Danny wants to cry over injured, half smashed Yorick, but Tim tells it is perfect, even covered in blood.
He gifts it to Jason anyway as is, with what pics he could get from the security camera, of Yorick in flight, hitting Joker, falling together, and Yorick and Joker together on the ground, both mangled.
Jason frames the pictures around a Yorick shrine in his apartment, titled things like "The last flight of the Duck", "The Fall from Grace", and " I may die but there will be two new plates in hell tonight"
genuinely wild to me when I go to someone's house and we watch TV or listen to music or something and there are ads. I haven't seen an ad in my home since 2005. what do you mean you haven't set up multiple layers of digital infrastructure to banish corporate messaging to oblivion before it manifests? listen, this is important. this is the 21st century version of carving sigils on the wall to deny entry to demons or wearing bells to ward off the Unseelie. come on give me your router admin password and I'll show you how to cast a protective spell of Get Thee Tae Fuck, Capital
Okay, here we go! I'm gonna try and put this in order from least to most technical knowledge required. I'm not responsible if you accidentally create SkyNet etc.
Level 1: browser extensions
This one is basically impossible to get wrong, or at least to get wrong badly enough that it causes any problems.
Get Firefox, or a Firefox fork like Waterfox. If you use a fork, make sure it's one that will let you use add-ons. On a PC, pretty much any Firefox fork will take add-ons, but on mobile devices, many don't. Iceraven is one that does.
Get the add-ons uBlock Origin, YouTube Sponsorblock (if you use YouTube), and FBCleaner (if you use Facebook).
uBlock Origin comes with a built-in list of filters to block ads and trackers, but you can add your own filters to block any specific element of a website you don't like. You know those goddamn floating frames on fandom.com sites that block half the screen? Now you can zap 'em.
Sponsorblock uses crowdsourced timestamps to automatically skip sponsor spots and self-promotion in YouTube videos. Never listen to anyone say "hit like and subscribe" or "Raid Shadow Legends" again.
FBCleaner hides all content from your feed except posts from people, groups, and pages you've actually chosen to follow.
Level 2: leaving enshittified services
The software that's become standard over the years in a lot of fields is steadily selling more of your data, showing you more ads, and pushing you to buy more expensive subscriptions. Time to tell them to get fucked.
Dump Adobe apps for Affinity or Krita. Drop Microsoft for LibreOffice. Change your default search engine from Google to DuckDuckGo or Qwant. Use OpenStreetMaps instead of Google or Apple Maps.
Level 3: network-level DNS fuckery
DNS, or Domain Name Service, is the thing that tells your computer where www.website.com is actually located. By hacking your network's DNS you can force it to tell your devices that ad-hosting domains don't exist at all. Some of the steps on this one can get pretty technical, but because you're doing all the difficult stuff on a dedicated device, you can't really fuck up anything that seriously.
Get yourself a Raspberry Pi (a cheap older one like a model 3B will work just fine for this purpose), and follow a guide like this one to get it set up running AdGuard Home. AdGuard, like uBlock, has built-in filter lists, but you can also add your own if there are specific domains you want to block.
Once it's up and running, you'll need to change the DNS settings on your router to point to your AdGuard service. This is different for every router but will always start with logging into the admin panel with a password printed on a little sticker somewhere on the router.
With that done, every time a device on your home network looks for ads.website.com, it'll get back a message that says "sorry, can't find it", so it won't be able to load any ads.
Level 4: Android-specific DNS fuckery
Because AdGuard runs on your home network, it can't block ads on your phone when you're away from home - and what's worse, your phone will sometimes remember the addresses it got when you were out and about, and ads will get past your AdGuard wall even when you're home.
To avoid this, get AdAway for DNS-based ad-blocking directly on your phone. The easy, but less seamless, way of using AdAway is the "local VPN mode", which doesn't require you to do any mucking about with your phone's operating system.
Level 5: automated media piracy
The best way to stop seeing ads on all your streaming services is to stop using streaming services. There are loads of ways to do this, but the best ones involve setting up what's called an "arr stack" (Google that for setup guides) along with nzbget and a usenet account. Most of the time you'll want to set this stuff up on a dedicated device - an old laptop gathering dust in the closet is a great option, or you can grab something used from a charity shop or a local electronics recycler.
The great thing about usenet is that unlike with torrents, you don't have to do any sharing from your computer, so you're in a lot less legal jeopardy - legally speaking, distributing pirated content is waaayyy more serious than accessing it. I pay about £3 a month for a secure, high-bandwidth usenet service.
Once you start getting your own collection of media on your own computer, use the open-source media library manager Jellyfin to browse and play things from basically any device.
Oh, and don't be a dick. Pirate all you want from big corporations, but please pay independent small-time creators for their work.
Level 6: fucking with Android
Android phones are a lot more locked-down than they used to be, but depending on the device you own you can still do a lot of messing around under the hood. Note that if you get something wrong while doing this, there is always the possibility that it will turn your device into a paperweight.
Before you buy a device, check where it sits on the Bootloader Unlock Wall of Shame. Once you've bought it, check the xda-developer forums for guides on how to unlock it and "root" it (gain admin access) with Magisk.
Once Magisk is installed, you can add modules to do all sorts of cool stuff, including using AdAway in "root mode" which makes it basically invisible.
You can also install YouTube ReVanced, which will do all the ad- and sponsor blocking stuff we took care of in your Windows browser a few paragraphs ago. Be careful: there are a lot of fake sites out there pretending they're associated with the ReVanced project which might be injecting malware into their downloads. This Reddit post has the official instructions and links.
Also, try out the modded version of Facebook from APKmoddone, which will block most of the same shit as the FBcleaner add-on from earlier. There's always a possibility that modified apps like this are doing something dodgy, but I've never had any issues with this one personally.
Level 7: fucking with Windows
This one is scary because it can seriously fuck up your shit if something goes wrong, but some really cool people have actually made it very simple to strip all the bloat, ads, and spyware out of Windows. The tool I use is ReviOS. Start reading at https://www.revi.cc/docs. Basically, you'll need to download a tool called AME Wizard and the ReviOS "playbook" that tells AME what to do. Read the documentation before you do any of this.
Level 8: switching to Linux
I'm not going to pretend this is an option for everyone. Half the software I use on a weekly basis isn't available on Linux. But if you can switch? Do it. These days, Ubuntu - one of the most popular flavours of Linux - is built with people switching from Windows in mind, and a lot of things will be pretty intuitive. It also has great documentation and a huge community you can go to for help if you're confused about stuff.
And that, friends, is a comprehensive approach to banishing the demons of capitalism from your home!
i feel like the knowledge that there are some medical databases with free-to-use 3D scans of various human organs available for 3D printing would have drastically reduced tumblrs amount of bone stealing scandals. plus you can make ones that glow in the dark.
Scans can also be found by searching on general-purpose 3D sites like Thingiverse, Cults3D, MakerWorld, Sketchfab
The glow in the dark filament I used
If you don’t have a 3D printer, check the website of your local library to see if they do! If you’re in college, your university’s libraries could have one too! They’ll likely have info on how to submit a print to their services and how/where you could find them.
look, if you didn't already know about the Bone Stealing Witch claiming that any skeletons unearthed when a cemetery flooded were free game, I can't exactly blame you, but man I wish I could be in your position.
