Just a duck swimming through life

Online Journal entries that are a little personal but i want to catalog my writing.. I feel like my 14 year old self again.. free, dumb and chaotic. P. S. To my best mate, Padfoot, I'm Prongs

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

As a kid, you feel like there's so much to do on festivals. But now as a 20 something old... I find myself being done with the the day at 9pm. Already back in comfortable clothes. The only reminiscent of the fact that it was a festival is the makeup left on my face and the decorations around me. What do you do on festivals as a kid that you don't as a grownup? I still wish my peers, do everything that i used to, it's still fun. The house as chaotic as ever. Is it now somehow mundane or a routine? I can't quite put a finger on it. But this is one of the times that the passage of time has hit like a wreaking ball.

"You are older now." It says

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

An actual conversation between padfoot and I

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

Story time : while coming back home from college I was so annoyed with my hair because I didn't even brush it before leaving the house, as I was running late.

The whole day I kept messing with it thinking my hair looked weird (ik it did)

So Imagine my surprise when a complete stranger stopped me and told me that she liked my hair style a lot (bonus points because cut my hair myself). I couldn't hear her the first two times because i had my earphones in and I thought she was selling me smth, but she insisted that I hear her out and I'm so glad I did because oh god 😭😭😭

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

We will be ok (IK you are)

The sky was beautiful the day i met you.

The roof wasn't the same with you..

Your childlike ecstasy was so adorable.

The way you hugged me from behind was amazing...

When you said you loved me i was shaking,

When we kissed we were both smiling,

I believed you when you said you loved me.

I believed you when you said you'd prove it.

You didn't.

You left.

Now I'm here writing these things i can't even show you,

I'm talking to people who aren't you,

I'm distracting myself with things that aren't about you.

You proved me right, people leave.

You did.. Didn't you?

I thought you were the one who said you'd hate it if i left... Then why did you?

I said we should take a day at a time,

We started talking about the future,

I don't blame you,

I don't blame myself,

I was happy,

You had no right to take that away from me,

But I'd be glad... If you are as miserable as i am.

Maybe a little less, but I'm glad.

You didn't lie. Neither did I.

Now I wake up to fall asleep.

I had hoped you'd stay, you didn't.

Though.. every cloud has a silver lining,

I'm writing again.

Misery is my muse afterall.

I couldn't even think of words when you were here,

Now i know,

Poets aren't lovers

They are the ones who loved more than they got back in return.

They are misery's hosts.

(23/10/2021)

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

I miss you... Do you miss me too?

It's 5 am and i miss you,

Its 5 am and i want to be with you,

The world doesn't matter.

Time is an illusion.

I wake up thinking about you.

Sleep dreaming of you.

It's 5 am, and i can't help but wonder..

What would we be doing if you were here?

I thought misery was my muse, and yet, when I'm miserable.. I'm miserable to the point where even words have betrayed me

(21/10/2021)

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

When in love... Do what lovers do

When I'm in love, i notice everything about the person i am with and i enjoy that feeling.

The way they sound when they laugh, how they try to be funny just to make me smile.

Say and do things to mildly annoy me.

It reaches the point that you notice how they breathe and look at something. And then.. And then it's just a soft feeling bubbling in your chest..

I should write my people a book. Everyone i care about. This is what i'm passionate about.

This is something worth living for. This would wake me up everyday.

Obviously, wouldn't bring me income but what good a poet is if they are rich?

I guess, it's not that difficult to love again, after all.

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

2020 vs 2018

I love how far I've come with my art and now she doesn't look as if she doesn't have shoulders now its just a lazy attempt at anatomy because the artist doesn't know human (or any) anatomy🙃

The last time I studied anatomy was in bio. Smh I was good at it too, wonder what happened :')

It's @chaoticcreator on insta too. Please Like, share, follow and comment. It would mean a lot

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

Sequel to my story

Hey to everyone. But I have an interesting update to my story... Last time when I posted something, it was when I was hopeful, but yet so distraught about everything going on in my life that I wasn't sure if I'd make it out of it without causing myself and the people around me any kind of permanent damage. But three years have passed and a lot has happened. Most of it so good that I can't even begin to explain. But I shall try my best.

1. I re joined my old school. Even though that was the place I failed in and I was so sure my friends would think of me as someone beneath them, the new kids would probably out caste me... Nothing of that sort took place! Instead, my friend couldn't believe when I told them I fucked up. They said I wasn't an idiot, I was smart just messed up a term. It doesn't mean I'm not good enough. And I was still... Me. But still, what happened, happened. And I shouldn't dwell on it. They certainly wouldn't. They still loved me as much as before. Didn't think I was less than them in any way. Told me they barely managed to pass (I know it was to make me feel better and I appreciate it a lot) and these new kids. And when I say friends I mean the real ones. The ones who have always been there for me and the ones I would kill (slytherin you know) for. And the most amazing person in this whole thing is my best friend. I don't know where I would be without her. But she's the most important person to me and I couldn't imagine my life without her. And I don't want to. She's the padfoot to my prongs and I wouldn't have it any other way. And Oh where to even start. I have found whom I believe are life long friends whom I can call at any time of the day, no matter where, when or how, if I ask them for help, they will sell their (or someone else's. Because most of them are slytherin too. Coincidence? I think not) soul for me. And I'd do the same in a heart beat. I wasn't out casted, instead I was and still am included in everything.

2. After 17 years of thinking that I was meant to be alone and no one would love me for who I am, I have found a boy who looks at me as if I am his whole world. I have a boy who tells me how he wishes I was in his life sooner because I made it so much better since the moment I came. A boy who calls me just to hear my voice. Tells me I look beautiful even though I look like a mess. Talks me through an anxiety attack. Knows how much i am going through and understands because he's going through the same. I have a boy whose friends tell me he loves me more than anything, my friends tell me he looks at me with those.. Those love struck eyes when I'm talking and not looking at him. They tell me he Always smiles when my name comes up in a conversation. But most of all, I have found a person I love more than I have ever loved anyone. Someone who makes me a want to be a better person. Someone who doesn't make me scared to say I want him forever. Just like James found his lilly, I think I've found mine.

3. I am on my way to give exams for the college I've dreamt of going to since I was 13. Due to the ongoing pandemic the dates keeps shifting. But instead to sulking or thinking they are taking away my collage life. I'm trying to think of it as an opportunity to study more. I hope I can make better of this moment and get into the college of my dreams. I graduated high school with an above average percentage (which I am satisfied with not too happy but not sad either) and my parents are quite happy too. It was one of the happiest moments when I called dad to tell him my result and he couldn't believe it and smiled in a way i could hear it through the call. I'm glad I didn't turn out to be a failure I thought i was going to be three years ago.

This time passed quite swiftly.. I had my fare share of anxiety attacks and bad days but, I also had my share of happiness. I made so many new memories. So many new friends. Made my parents happy. And more than anything, I feel like a much better person. I am in a good place. (Not at the moment because of the rona. Kinda sulky because as an extrovert I need to get out. Plus haven't gotten my DL yet. That sucks).

So, all I want to say it I appreciate that you read this whole thing and even if you skipped to the end it's ok. I'm just glad i made it. I'm glad I'm here and stuck it out. I don't regret anything. And from this moment on I'm just trying to be better.

TLTR: I MADE IT! I'M HAPPIER THAN I WAS BEFORE! I DON'T FEEL LIKE A TOTAL LOSER OR A FAILURE! I WILL AMOUNT TO SOMETHING! Things get better guys. Believe in yourself and that higher power. You're going to be alright. Maybe you got lost in your path, but you will still make it to your destination. Believe me. 🖤🖤

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

What is reality to you?🍁 #ll_zemblanity_ll #quoteoftheday #browse #explorepage #reality #existencialcrisis #imagination #oned #lyrics #lyricquotes #blackandwhite #aesthetic #blackandwhiteaesthetic #quotesdaily #iwould https://www.instagram.com/p/BxE3Tm8jbfe/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1u50b1sozcfji

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

“I have never found anyone in my heart” #quoteoftheday #firstpost #love #lovequotes #noone #itsokaynottobeokay #loveyourself #aesthetic #unknown #quotes #heart #trustnoone #words #midnightthoughts https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvj1zr5gIBz/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ywf6n3a7h1po

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

"Everytime I close my eyes it's like a dark paradise" #lanadelrey #song #songlyrics #lanadelreysongs #darkparadise #closemyeyes #quoteoftheday #quotes #darkaesthetic #inmyhead #lanalyrics #newpost #aesthetic #songsuggestions #songquotes https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvrc9ZPDbek/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=s4zyjpco1n8y

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

"Do you ever stop to think about how others feel when you leave them behind because you got bored..?" #quoteoftheday✏️ #quotesdaily #bored #feelings #thinkingofyou #whydidyouleave #love #loveqoutes #hurt #hurtfeelings #instablackandwhite #sadquotespage #middaythoughts #tellmewhy #left #whereareyounow #feelingsquotes #quoteofinstagram #ınstalife #sadlife💔 https://www.instagram.com/p/BvtDxSADYaQ/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mltly0l4cfxg

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

"You know you're fucked when their voice turns you on" #quoteofthedayy #quotes #hothothot #voice #turnons #fuck #fucklove #relatable #relatablequotes #blackandgrey #moodquotes #ugh #sotrue #quotesofinstagram #nicevoice https://www.instagram.com/p/BvvZyPDjrrl/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7p1mhbaliutz

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

"The problem is" he said as he leaned in, "if i kissed you, i don't think I'd be able to stop" #quotestagram #quotes #hothothot #kiss #relatable #relatablequotes #relationshipgoals #kissme #kissyou #crush #crushquotes #squealing #socutequote #awww #blackandgrey #blackandgreyaesthetics #love #kissyourlove #bookquotes #moviequotes #mood #want #a #love #like #this https://www.instagram.com/p/BvvahNMjWMz/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1eqry6u5sa7id

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

"The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neurtality in times of moral crisis." #quoteofinstagram #quoteoftheday✏️ #quotesdaily #quotes #inferno #danbrown #danbrowninferno #bookquote #bookquotes #bookstagram #blackandgreyaesthetics #blackandgrey #hell #moralcrisis #aesthetic #bookaesthetic #pictureedit #wordshavepower #isitso #isitok #youllbeokay https://www.instagram.com/p/BvvbXC9DSQS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=2tq5diwudecy

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

"When our eyes met for a second, the butterflies which had started to settle came back with such ferocity that i forgot how to breath. I think that you didn't notice, but I was hoping that you did. Did you feel something too? Or was it just me?" #quoteoftheday👌 #lovers #morethanwords #morethanfriends #lessthanlovers #ily #doyou #whatif #eyesmet #didyoufeelit #wasitmyimagination #newpostup #newpostalert #butterflies #crushquotes #crush #hey #hope #forgothowtobreathe #new #blackandgreyaesthetics #blackandgrey #recent4recent #followme #likelike #explore #explorepage #instafeed #aesthetic #aestheticquote https://www.instagram.com/p/Bvzk7soDW94/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=kmbrqduxq20r

[shh-imtryingtowrite]

"Friendship may, and often does, grow into love, but love never never subsides into friendship" ~ Lord Byron #friendshipquotes #lovequotes #feelings #feelslikeme #somethingsneverchange #istillloveyou #howareyou #quotes #lifequotes #quotes🖋 #quotess #relatable #browseourpage #lordbyron #lordbyronquote #blackandwhite #aesthetic #blackandwhitetheme #friends #friendslove @ll_zemblanity_ll Do follow and don't forget to tag when you share♥️ https://www.instagram.com/p/BwmDYFLjNE8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=11g3wqhw4efqk