You can call me Ash

25 yo mess from Canada//audhd//they/them//many fandoms (aftg, hr, dc, etc.)//unfortunately French-Canadian

[teatimeisat4]

Neil successfully using contacts, hair dye, and an alias that’s literally just a nickname for Nathaniel to hide from Kevin:

[lithiumrox]

so far "count the rice" is like "what if a game show was actually an escape room, but what if the escape room was actually the inferno and you have to climb your way out of several layers of hell"

[fandomlife-confessions]

[weirdgirlvampire]

i am LOVING the Twilight Renaissance 

[lagtim3]

@fandomlife-confessions 

Fact! Uteruses come prepackaged with half a lifetime’s supply of eggs. Balls produce sperm on-demand. This means there would have been about a two-month period where Jacob found himself inexplicably VERY gay for Edward.

[evilbeepthemeep]

wait I thought Stephanie Meyers made it canon that Edward can’t produce new sperm and the warm water of the ocean warmed up his sac enough for him to impregnate Bella. So in all Jacob should’ve been gay for Edward all along

[eroticcannibal]

The warm water of the ocean did what now

[messsssmer]

"Whimsy" is truly a wretched term. What maketh thee so carefree?

[fireknightqueelign]

thy mother

[messsssmer]

Art thou for fucking real

[angel-mistakes]

Fic where Shane gets mind reading powers (and let's pretend it's translated from Russian to English too) where he can hear Ilya's thoughts and it's just a constant stream of:

look cool look cool look cool look cool -- don't freak him out don't freak him out don't -- kiss him but not the way you want kiss him but not the way you want -- god he's so perfect he's so perfect fuck my life -- pretend to be normal about him-- fuck, he's so perfect

and then

freckles freckles freckles

[phkin]

it’s genuinely so fucking funny to me that the fox’s are all bonded over trauma yet not a single person know wtf to do abt it

everyone’s like:

“oh shit… alison’s bf just died??.. do we wanna bet on her reaction??? or ??”

*scratches back of head* “sooo andrew just got assaulted and has been for the majority of his childhood?? also aaron killed the guy who did it?? do they need us for the trial or can i do my hw?”

“oh my god?? neil got beat to shit while away with his uncle???? or wait..he ran away to join the abusive cult college sport team for some reason and is now genuinely dissociating so bad he’s having skips in his time and memories but we aren’t allowed to talk abt it??? ok cool ig we won’t talk abt it then”

like guys wtf are we doing here

[softieshane]

ilya watches reality tv like dance moms and real housewives and shane does the dad thing where he acts like he’s not interested but then ends up standing in front of the tv with his hands on his hips secretly invested. and ilya is all like “sweetheart come sit and watch with me” and shane is like “no it’s fine i’m not watching” but just keeps standing there.

[haydone]

Thinking about how Neil thought he was going to die and still wanted to be with Andrew. How he thought his last words to Andrew would be "Thank you, you were amazing" and hoped Andrew would understand that it wasn't just about the game. That Andrew would understand Neil meant I love you.

[autie-j]

Remember when Xbox was going to basically ban used games for the xbox one, and Playstation made fun of them with that video titled "how to share games on Playstation" and it was just one guy handing another a game disk? And now Playstation is getting rid of physical disks entirely

[larken-the-skies]

It’s like they expect us to just forget their original marketing schemes in favor of more and more money grabs.

[ticklefighthockey]

nothinggg is more ilya than the tampa hotel room sequence where shane comes out, ilya acts like a dick while keeping himself physically as far from shane as possible, shane gets his feelings hurt and starts looking a little chin-wobbly, and ilya audibly GROANS and flings himself across the room to sit next to him on the bed. but he’s still not looking at shane or touching him because ilya is NOT here to comfort him or anything ok he just randomly and totally unrelatedly got tired of standing up at the exact moment that shane’s big brown eyes started getting all wet and shiny with tears and the nearest place to sit down happened to be on the bed next to shane. do NOT read anything into this none of this means ANYTHING (in under two minutes he will be crying in shane’s arms btw)

[phoenixtawnyflower]

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that weren’t even all that funny until I was an adult, and now they’re fucking hilarious. I’m not even talking about the dirty jokes. I’m talking about in Finding Nemo where the sharks are having fucking AA for fish eating. Remember that shit? “I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.” Who ever thought of that? That was brilliant. Or what about that time in Shrek 2 where Shrek and Donkey infiltrate the castle pretending to be union workers? Little me didn’t give a shit about unions but big me is remembering Shrek going “It’s okay buddy, we’re from the union” and the desk worker secretively “we don’t even have dental,” and Shrek just shakes his head and looks at Donkey like he can’t believe this shit and goes, “They don’t even have dental.” What the fuck. I’m dying of laughter. Who comes up with this shit.

[celtic-pyro-deactivated20230725]

Dirty jokes have their place but I kind of wish more “adult” jokes relied on “Things only adults would understand due to lack of life experience,” instead of “Things that are inappropriate for kids,”

[ok-notgood-probablybad]

I know that when Ilya finally finds out that Shane had put on a suit before their first hook up he's gonna be insufferable about it he'll be like "Shane, kotenok, it's time to suit up we're gonna have sex"

[circusheart]

May I please have 1 everything

[bernieandtheaeroplanes]

Noah's Ark if every animal reproduced asexually

[circusheart]

Interesting I like it

[maybe-flora]

i find it so funny how we collectively as a fandom have resorted to 'and shane is out of the house doing a commercial' as the one all-encompassing excuse for any post-TLG headcanon where they have to not be in the same place for plot reasons, because it's an actual mental gymnastic to conjure up any other circumstances where they would ever willingly be apart once married.

[null-and-void-and-gone]

me when my disabilities disable me:

[picsthatmakeyougohmm]

[anaxaver]

the miracle of life

[madamoisellemabry]

i do think there’s a world where ilya tells cliff marleau about the friendship plan and cliff is like “well if ur cover story is friendship than we need to make ur reputation with friends super gay king” and ilya is like “bro … you would do that … for us …” and cliff is like “no worries big dawg”. because like, hollander doesn’t do the gay for the homies thing naturally, but if roz has a reputation, it won’t be weird if he does it in public even if hollsy doesn’t reciprocate. cliff is a genius.

anyway, that’s how the internet spends a year speculating that ilya rozanov and cliff marleau have explored each others bodies. they are so all over each other and constantly tweeting gay shit about each other that ilya’s time with shane barely even gets a second glance. the first time ilya drags shane out to meet cliff, a photo gets posted on twitter and everyone is like “poor shane having to third wheel these two #ally”.

obviously shane is gnawing on furniture because he’s so jealous, but the plan does work. and when they get outed, cliff works it into his best man speech.