"Ikaw lang patutunguhan".☘︎ ݁˖ — Taesan Filo Au
🥀—A long time crush, Aviel never gave up on Taesan. Kahit anong reject, kahit anong hindi, naniniwala parin ang dalaga na balang araw, siya narin ang pipiliin. Ngunit, paano kung kelan oras na, siya namang pagkawala?
Genre: Romance, Youth, Angst
Warnings: Mention of hospitals, cigarettes, family problems
Now playing: Ikaw lang patutunguhan by Amiel Sol, La la lost you by NIKI
Anong oras na, chat parin ng chat tong si Aviel. We've been friends, probably since highschool. Unfortunately, hanggang college kasama ko parin siya. Sabi niya, SABI NIYA, gusto niya raw talaga ang kursong kinuha niya—BS Accountancy.
Tapos, rinig ko pa sa kaibigan niya, kinuha niya lang talaga to dahil nandito ako. Minsan di ko malaman laman anong balak nito sa buhay. She was an out going type of person, go with a flow pero takot sa mangyayari sa furture niya.
A total opposite of mine, I know what I want and don't. I already figured and planned my life out the moment I step on college. Well, that's what I thought.
Viel, it's already midnight
Kala mo naman bago! DALI NA
Maninigarilyo ka nanaman?
Yes. She's smoking. Mas malala dati. She said it was her coping mechanism, but still.
"May nangyari nanaman ba?" Una kong bati dito. She's wearing a gray oversized hoodie, hood over head covering her messy long hair. "Gaga, di ba pwedeng miss lang kita?" ngiti nito sakin sabay kapit sa aking braso na kala mong linta.
"Can you please—"pilit kong alis ng yakap niya sakin. Lakas talaga nito. "IIIIHHH!!!"
"Anong sakin? Bilhan kita potchi!"
"Huh? For what?" As far as I know, wala namang event kanina. She usually gave me gifts everytime na may ganap. It may be Christmas, New Years, Valentines, ewan ko bakit pati sa Independence day.
And its always...potchi. Just because I like them.
"Hala! To naman! Syempre, tapos na tayo sa midterms" oh, yes. "Is that a big deal?"
"You know I rejected you, right?" Napatigil ito sa kanyang paglalakad. Pati tuloy ako, napatigil narin. I was just staring at her, waiting for her reply. "U-uhm...ayun na yung 7 11 oh! Bilisan na natin anong oras na!" As always, change of topic.
"You know I'm studying, right? May quizbee ako bukas" it may sound bad, pero totoo naman. Ito agad ang bungad ko kay Aviel. Randomly calling me at night. "Ay, sorry! I just want to see you lang naman..." she replied, lips were pierced to each other.
Leaving a light sighed, I walked towards her. "Go on, what do you need?" A huge smile was plastered on her face. "Here" abot nito sakin ng sobre. Its not just a normal envelope, it was decorated with small bows and pinky stickers. It even has a small bump, probably a candy.
"What's this?" I asked, acting dump. "Letter" she smiled innocently, hiding both of her hands behind her back. "I know, I mean—"
"Yun yung letter" silenced. Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko sa kanya. All this time, I only see her as a friend. This is probably the third time she confessed. I never expect na aabot pa hanggang college.
"I know. Pero, sana hayaan mo lang ako? Kapag kasi pinipigilan ko, mas lalo lang akong napapamahal sayo, San" sambit nito. "Just let me, San?"
Forgot to bring mine, so I don't have a choice but to go to our cafeteria na napagka-layo sa building namin. Ayaw ata nila kaming pakainin.
"Taesan! Kain ka Cafeteria?" salubong sakin ng kaibigan ko—Leehan. One of the well-known students here. A role model. He's the president of Central Student Council and also an athlete. No wonder, a lot of girls were running for him.
"Yeah, nakalimutan ko baon ko"
"Oh? Hinahanap ka nga ni Aviel kanina" he knows her? "Oo. She's literally my classmate, tol"
"LEEHAN! SABAY TAYO KAIN—" biglang sigaw ng isang matinis na boses mula sa kabilang hallway. It was her, Aviel. Her jolly smile were there. Checks were red as roses.
"Oh, Taesan. Pinapa-abot ngapala ni tita" sabay abot sakin ng isang eco-bag, containing my lunch. "Tara na, Han! Sabay tayo! Libre kita" she happily told him, she was excited. Clinging onto his arms.
"Ah, sige tol. Una na kami, SUNOD KA!" habol ni Leehan sabay takbo kasama si Aviel.
Kelan pa kayo naging close?
Hindi ako mapakali. Naka-tayo lang ako sa labasan ng bahay namin. I was waiting for her. Usually around 7, naka-uwi na yon. The thing is, lagi kaming sabay. Ngayon, sumama siya kay Leehan. It's not that I don't trust my friend. it's just...
Unang bungad sakin ni Aviel the moment I bombed her with questions. Saan ka galing? Bakit late ka umuwi? Nasan si Leehan? Inaalagaan ba siya ng maayos? Anong nangyari?
"Hindi ah! Bakit mo naman iisipin yan?"
She just left out a small laughed. "Taesan, crush mo talaga ako, 'no?"
I scoffed. "How many times ba kita ire-reject para i-let go mo ko, ha?"
"Hindi ka ba naaawa sa sarili mo niyan?" she looked down, piercing her lips once again. "You know, San. Sometimes in life, you don't have other choices but just keep on going. Although it was clear that it was not meant for you..." bigla niya nalang akong tinignan sa mga mata.
Ilang buwan na kaming walang usap ni Aviel. The only assurance I had is nakikita ko siyang lumalabas ng bahay nila at uuwi. Minsan, nakikita ko sa school. Pero hanggang doon lang. We never talked ever since. Even my chats, they were ignored.
At first, maybe she was busy. We are busy. Thesis defense na kasi. Until I decided to go outside. Hindi kasi ako makatulog.
Doon, nakita ko. Ang dating Aviel. Trying to light up the cigarette on her mouth, covering from the wind. I have no other choice but to snatched it from her.
"Hoy—" she was snapped the moment she saw me. Her eyes were swollen. The redness were still visible under her eyes. I knew it, there's something wrong.
Napalunok lamang ito sabay tungo. "What happened?" She tried to speak, but no words can scape from her mouth. "Tara, 7 11"
Silenced. The sound of crickets were the only thing that we could hear. I brought her a milk, a usual drink that calms her down.
In one gulped, she sighed. "Taesan?" I hummed. "Do you think...the world could've been better if I wasn't born?"
I didn't respond. I don't want to respond. "Do you think...both of my parents could've a better life? Without us?" She land her gaze on me. It was sparkiling. A tear scaped from her almond eyes.
She smiled bitterly. "Malapit na pala birthday ko..."
"Hmm...what do you want?"
"A restart. A restart button"
She looked away. "I want to restart everything, Taesan. To live a truthful life, not surrounded by lies"
I just finished my classes. They were tough, but it was bearable. At least. Could've been better if...
"Kuya! Kanina ka pa dito?" Hindi ko na namalayan, nasa tabi ko na pala ang kapatid ni Aviel—Aries. "Just got here" I noted as I opened the door. As usual, the smell was good. Nag-request talaga kami na panatilihing mabango ang kuwarto niya, para pag nagising siya, hindi siya badtrip.
"Waah! Kainis talaga yung isa kong kaklase. Muntik ko na masapak, kuya!" I just chuckled at his silly little stories. "Wag kang gumaya sa ate mo"
"Di ko nga alam kung gigising pa yan" buntong-hininga nito sabay upo sa kabilang couch malapit sa bintana. I decided to sit on a monoblock near her bed. Though we were talking, the sound of the machines can still clearly hear.
"Kuya...gigising pa ba si ate?" Muling tanong ni Aries. Ever since that incident happened, bigla nalang nawalan ng malay si Aviel, the only question he has is kung magigising pa ba ang ate niya.
Both of their parents were working, so most of the time, kaming dalawa ang bantay. "Of course she will. She's a strong person" I assure him.
"Alam mo kuya, feeling ko alam ko na sagot sa tanong ko" I hummed. "Siguro...mas ok na rin na hindi na gumising si ate"
"Pagod na kasi siya, kuya. Naaawa na ko kay ate" ani nito. "Alam mo, pag nag aaway sila mama at papa, mas pipiliin niyang marinig lahat nang yon"
"Kinukulong ako ni ate sa kuwarto tsaka pinapasuot sakin yung earphones niya. Kahit alam kong ayaw niya, pipilitin niyang siya nalang makarinig lahat kesa makita ko" ngayon ko lang narinig to. Aviel never opened up about family related problems. She will rather keep those on her own. One thing is because she doesn't want to ruin the names of her family. Malalaman ko nalang kapag naninigarilyo siya.
"Do you know that your ate smokes?"
Tumango ito. "Kahit ayaw ko, di ko siya mapigilan. Wala akong magawa eh, coping mechanism narin niya. Kaya, para narin sa kanya, mas gugustuhin ko nalang mag pahinga siya kesa sa nakikita kong nahihirapan siya..."
Pinatulog ko na si Aries. He cried, again. Gabi-gabi yan, umiiyak. Hindi sa ayaw na niyang makasama ang ate niya, but also for her peace narin.
I miss you, Aviel. Siguro kung nakikita mo ko ngayon, papaulanin mo ko ng tanong. Bakit ka nandito? Bakit mo ko inaalagaan? Ayaw mo sakin pero nandito ka? You'll probably even try to kick me out of the room. Yet, a sweet smile will still be formed on your face.
I miss that, Aviel. I miss your jolly personality, eagerness, and positivity in life. Knowing that you've through a lot behind those sunshines you gave to us, to me. I miss you, Aviel. Wake up na, please? Your brother is waiting for you...he misses her ate na. Aviel, please? Say my name again. Lets go out again in the middle of the night and talk nonsenses...