Current Mood: Subjunctive

Meg, adult (20s), she/her (cis), Gay and kinda Ace.

[opossumgirltongue]

teasing an american girl and she goes "mph ~!"

teasing a girl from anywhere else and she goes "kmph ~!" instead

[armoryangel]

investing early

[rainbow-femme]

The three kinds of bird species name

1. God’s Specialist Little Boy

2. Hot Breasted Milf

3. Grey Bird With Brown Head

4. Walter’s Fingernail

[rainbow-femme]

[semutamusic]

[birdidentifier]

[catboybiologist]

[cheshires-wonderland]

@doveghost

[doveghost]

[elbiotipo]

based

[raylangivins]

my dealer: got some straight gas. this strain is called “daylight savings time” youll be zonked out of your gourd

Me: yeah whatever. i dont feel shit.

1 hour and 5 minutes later: dude I swear it’s only been 5 minutes

my friend the oven, pacing: the smart devices are lying to us

[shiny-rhydon]

yeah sure i'll reblog that

[little-pondhead]

[little-pondhead]

[fatsexybitch]

🔪 knife stop 🔪

Take a knife or two to complete any tasks you need to finish soon. Reblog to give your mutuals a knife for any group projects you may be working on

[raccoonmilf]

I'm wondering if we need some batshit Tumblr meme related to the pygmy raccoon to take over the site like a whale fall. Anyone have ideas?

We do, I think.

Everyone, post your best memes. I will supply you with some photos and there are more if you look in my pygmy raccoon tag

[3hobbitsinatrenchcoat]

[stability]

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

This is why I strongly advocate for an alien invasion movie but set in like 1142. The Anarchy is in full swing. 

it’d be so good. Everyone would map theological explanations of the aliens onto them. It’d be so much fun. 

Aliens: Take us to your leader.  Jocelyn, Peasant: All right. Um, which one? Are you for King Stephen or the Empress Maude?  Aliens: Um– Jocelyn: I recommend Empress Maude. King Stephen is a lying usurper.  Aliens: All right, Empress Maude. Take us to her.  Jocelyn: I always new God was on our side.  Aliens:  Jocelyn: You’re angels right? Come to bring us portends and tidings of the divine?  Aliens: Or to massacre you. Jocelyn: That makes sense. We’re very sinful. We deserve whatever punishment it is God has seen fit to bestow upon us.  Aliens:  Aliens:  Aliens: Wow. 

[hopeless-eccentric]

if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills with my first two wishes, my third wish would be that sabrina carpenter would get gradually taller. she'd be in on it and think it was hilarious. we'd have a strong cap at 7 feet here, maybe an inch a week so people have time to theorize--let's not be ridiculous. but she'd still keep up the "ooh! im so little and small!" schtick. but shed be gradually getting taller. she'd be like 6'1" and still jumping for the microphone. and she'd never say anything about it. and if anyone asked shed act like she had no idea what they were talking about. and shed cheekily play into it a little bit but mostly still keep up the "ooh im so little and small" schtick. do you see my vision. do you get it

[hopeless-eccentric]

ok and so if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills in one wish i would do the sabrina carpenter thing second and third i would wish for all evidence of one random taylor swift song to disappear from the world once every month or so. taylor would have no memory of it. her fans would remember it and there would be an outcry over where it went (it's not even in concert videos anymore!) but taylor would have no memory of it

instead, all her brainspace spent on that song would be replaced with the vivid memories of roman gladiator, taylaurius velox. she's able to hide this at first, but her music begins to take on a gradually romaner and romaner tint. at first, people are like "damn, she's getting REALLY conservative, huh" and other people are like "wow, she's so deep, she knows what a rubicon is" but eventually travis kelce leaves her out of nowhere (he wasn't sure if dating someone possessed by a roman gladiator made him gay or not and anyway he was getting sick of being like "we're going to play the lions" and taylor being like "LIONS? WHERE?") and taylor publishes an entire brutus themed album about this betrayal and it's beginning to weird people out

and so eventually travis kelce is getting like, bomb threats sent to his family for leaving taylor and eventually he's like "okay, okay, i left her because she kept having all these vivid nightmares of gladatorial combat and she kept saying that football was giving her the ick because we never actually killed anybody for the glory of rome" and then he just gets more bomb threats because he left a struggling woman during a mental health crisis

and eventually taylor is writing music about her forbidden roman senator lover and her fanbase is either whittled WAY down or WAY up because people want to watch this trainwreck happen (or maybe she influences culture so hard that we're just all really into rome now) but she's being super cagey about the name of this roman senator. until. and now here's the twist:

weird al has been getting all of the same vivid memories of taylaurius velox. and he still has all his memories of her old songs. so he's writing all these detailed song parodies of taylor swift songs that don't exist anymore including specific details about their shared gladiatorial reality that taylor has never shared with anybody else. including that her lover's name was publius, and she's been calling him Poob for short

at this point a lot of original swifties are leaving. they could do the brutus stuff, but they really can't survive poob. taylor makes a clapping back at the haters song including the lyric "these bitches don't know publius" and it ends up all over all sorts of merch. there's a renewed archaeological interest in roman gladatorial combat

most importantly, the internet discourse is the best it's ever been. does this make taylor swift transmasc? is travis kelce problematic for leaving his fiancee while she gradually morphs into a roman gladiator? is this good queer representation? if taylaurius velox was a gay man, does that mean the gaylors were technically correct? is weird al morally wrong for capitalizing off of her music if she cant remember it anymore? was weird al sent by god to torment taylor swift?

anyway thats what id do if i met a genie

[secondlina]

That dumpling can groove.

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[brucesterling]

[grandalchemistpt]

That guy is gonna regret ever doing that photo to the end of his days.

[farmsuggestion]

farm on! its friday! don't forget to tend the crops!

[chaser]

So we've been having a bit of a debate in the office because we wanted to do the headline "Local man gives up sugar for 12 minutes" but then overdoing the "local man" trope is a bit male-centric, so we considered "Local woman" but then that sounds like we're typecasting women so that wasn't great either, but I think we've finally found a worthy compromise:

[gamemakerm]

[penandinkprincess]

listen i'm not advocating for exotic animals as pets, but i really just feel like cheetahs are probably different

i feel like we need to give them another shot as housebeasts

[penandinkprincess]

this is a critter who wants greenies and then to take a nap on the couch next to me, and i KNOW it

[penandinkprincess]

cheetah in House perfec t size for put inside! inside very Soft and Comfort cheetah sleep soundly put cheetah in House. Put Cheetah In House. no problems ever in cheetah in ho use because good Happy and Satisfy for human where sleep. House yes a place for a cheetah put cheetah in house can trust cheetah for giveing good love to humans in house. friend cheetah

[justasmidgx]

I mean, as someone who as worked in a zoo, this is fairly true.

Obvious disclaimer that you shouldn't have wild animals as pets.

But like, cheetahs are the only large cats that keepers will do free contact with. Hell, even most small cats don't get free contact. (Because small cats can be VICIOUS. They'll have a baby pallas cat wearing thicker gloves than when handling an owl. Because small cats can just be vicious.)

Like I think the only other cat at our zoo where I've seen free contact with was servals? Because I know they've used servals in shows to demonstrate their natural jumping ability. But I know servals can sometimes have a mean temper as well. Meanwhile they'll do the cheetah run and afterwards put the mic by the cheetahs and it's just like an engine with them purring. It's fascinating to watch when the message in every other large animal is "no free contact because it's dangerous even when they're born in captivity".

Legit if any wild animal could be adapted to a pet it would be cheetahs lmao. Only problem is they can be skittish and very anxious and that's why they're often raised around dogs in zoos to gain confidence.

[penandinkprincess]

congrats, i award you funniest take on this post

[whynotfabulous]

In an effort to avoid supporting megacorporations, I shall now be posing questions directly to tumblr that I would otherwise have googled.

[whynotfabulous]

If Mayonnaise is just eggs and oil, why it creamy?

[gnomer-denois]

Because it's also evil

[whynotfabulous]

Thanks!

Have scientists figured out what dark matter is yet?

[you-can-be-what-you-want-to-be]

Yup! It’s anything that takes up space, has mass, and is goth.

[whynotfabulous]

Wow!

What happens if you eat 23 packages of peeps?

[trashboi413]

You meet god

[whynotfabulous]

Thank goodness!

What's the correct way to eat a banana?

[treslecheslife]

Whole, in one gulp.

[whynotfabulous]

Delicious!

Who is the Muffin Man?

[captain-oh-no-not-again]

Father of the Muffin Boy

[whynotfabulous]

Makes sense!

Why is my car making a ker-klunk noise?

[mayflydecember]

Car's haunted

[whynotfabulous]

Uh Oh

How to fix a haunted car?

[babybluebanshee]

Slam into a priest in a crosswalk going at least forty miles an hour

[whynotfabulous]

It worked!

Where does the wax in scented candles go?

[thegoodsandy]

into the sky, where it turns into stars

[whynotfabulous]

Cool!

Why are weddings so damn expensive?

[daeynore]

priest has to pay for medical bills related to haunted car crashing into him

[whynotfabulous]

....Ah

[whynotfabulous]

ChatGPT WISHES it was this coherent and creative

[lokaror]

bad news about the new mineshaft in the third depths folks. shit is just chock full of goblins.

[thepleasuregoblin]

don’t see how that’s bad news

[lokaror]

bad news for us. im sure you guys are having a wonderful time. can we have the minecarts back. You guys arent even hauling ore with them

[thepleasuregoblin]

hauling goblins. you understand

[lokaror]

you are minecart racing.

[thepleasuregoblin]

sorry I’m gonna have to get back to you, got a situation down here. turns out you’re supposed to race carts that are on different tracks

[lithiumseven]

Guys Groundhog Day is such a fantastic holiday. It’s just about fun and whimsy and a little guy who lives in a stump and makes magic weather predictions. That’s THE best thing. It’s such a fun day in a dark season and I love it so so much