Theia

(any pronouns) a sideblog for mentally ill things lol

[so-very-sedated]

hello, I’m Theia (pronounced THey-Ah)

this is kinda a vent blog, kinda a way to keep track of things, the TWS for everything is at the bottom of the post

I have:

- delusions, I am able to double book-keep and thats what helps me stay calm, though sometimes I might post about a new or past delusion as if it were actually happening/had actually happened

- intrusive thoughts, they get very violent and disgusting, TWS at the end

- depression, I’m medicated (heavily) but I still get the seasonal blues, and honestly even being sedated doesn’t really curb it at times

- suicidal thoughts, came 2-for-1 with the depression, I try to just ignore them usually but may keep track of them via posts on this blog

- autism, but I post about that a lot on my main so it probably won’t get mentioned here much (the sensory issues will though)

- adhd, tbh didn’t even know i had this until i was diagnosed last month, im now medicated but it never really affected my life in the first place? so probably not gonna post about it

- hypermobility, dont know if its Ehlers Danlos or general but by god is it there, my biggest dream is to have any sort of mobility aid atp

- OCD (symptoms align with: scrupulosity, paranoid, false-memory, and real event)

TWS FOR THIS BLOG: suicide, suicide ideation, self harm, delusions, unreality, medications, rape, violence, blood, gore, incest, pedophilia, abuse, guns, bugs, vomit, religion, christianity, (more to be added)

[3liza]

i need to get up and do chores but ive posted on here before about my pet theory that autism and ADHD also have two primary subtypes on the adrenergic axis and most autists will have either primarily adrenaline-seeking or adrenaline-avoidant behaviors depending on what they're lacking, with a mixture of upregulating or downregulating behaviors that address self-regulation of minor states. prior to the DSM-5 the split of ADHD into the separate ADD and ADHD subtypes with or without hyperactivity was maybe a more helpful taxonomy in some sense. i remember in the 90s that it was a pretty big deal to differentiate between the disruptive, class clown, hyperactive kids and the morose, withdrawn, sluggish kids for this reason.

there's been a lot of cortisol testing of autistic people and they kept finding contradictory cortisol levels in their subjects until recently one paper i read proposed that rather than autists universally being all high or all low, it seemed to be the case that having normal cortisol fluctuations over the day was a sign of being non-autistic, and the autism biomarker was instead that autists tended to produce the wrong amount of cortisol either for our internal clocks, or for the environment, and that we were usually running on either too much (agitation, overstimulation) or too little (fatigue, dissociation).

how much of this is a direct result of PTSD, or even more interestingly, a cause of PTSD, is one of the interesting factors

[escuerzoresucitado]

[so-very-sedated]

was anyone gonna tell me i’m a walking case study of lifetime chronic stress or was i just supposed to find out randomly on my own

[so-very-sedated]

was anyone gonna tell me i’m a walking case study of lifetime chronic stress or was i just supposed to find out randomly on my own

[so-very-sedated]

I’m already suffering the effects of chronic stress so I figure I can just keep on bottling it all up, how worse can it get

[infiniteoreos]

undiagnosed autistic people will be like "I don't get upset when my routine changes though!!" and it's because they've built a set of if-then loops in their head to pick from one of 6 different strict routines and they do get incredibly upset when they're unable to keep to any of the 6 scripts. I'm john normal

[dragon-in-a-fez]

"thought crimes aren't real, it's your actions that matter" and "your mindset informs how you treat others, so you should try not to have a shitty one" are another pair of things that are both true btw

[so-very-sedated]

Walk with me here—

something disturbing pops into your head, you are immediately distressed and upset. < normal! Happens to everyone! Your brain often throws spaghetti at the wall and sometimes the spaghetti makes a crime scene, that doesn’t make it not spaghetti though

You think of something disturbing, and allow it to fester, or continue to entertain it. < not great! Lingering on distressing thoughts can cause more to pop up! And it can slowly change how you interact with those around you!

[tlirsgender]

Crazy thing about #healing #recovery Small Victories is when you'll have some shit going on that's like, saying this would involve admitting how you used to be doing. You know? Like hey guys good news I'm gonna change my bedsheets this year

[tlirsgender]

That's the thing about Doing Really Bad you kinda keep it to yourself. And then you start doing a little better & when you try to tell people this the vibe is like "what do you mean you were living in the sewer this whole time are you good?" while you're standing there like Yeah that's not the important part never mind that. I'm literally out of the sewer

[so-very-sedated]

And if I say that having autism is inherently traumatic? And most symptoms are responses to long term chronic stress? What then?

[ferocioustrout]

tumblr dashboard when you’re already having a bad ocd day simulator

🌌 guyyoudontfollow

reblog this post or youre racist and transphobic and homophobic and misogynistic and antisemitic and

🌁 guyyoudontfollow2

i NEED 900$. if you do not donate me 900$ you are responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened in my life. i hope you’re happy, asshole

🌠 guyyoudontfollow3

umm you should probably block this person if you’re following them…. lol…… you should go check if you’re following them….. if you’ve interacted with them ever you’re evil aha….

🎑 guyyoudontfollow4

ONE BILLION NOTES AND I WONT KILL MYSELF. if you don’t get me enough notes you are responsible for my death, please reblog!

[so-very-sedated]

just realized ive never been loved in my entirety and thats making my stomach hurt

[neenarchive]

me: you literally have a disorder. this is symptoms

me: no perhaps my soul is rotten

[so-very-sedated]

got a new case for my ssri’s and vitamin D

life goes on i guess

[dogpuppy]

[humbleadvisor]

my liege, have you considered that perhaps your latest bout of malfeasance is indeed due to the approaching weather and not the nefarious curse placed upon you by a wicked sorcerer? shall I send the palace wizard to fetch you an elixir of vitamin D and summon your lamp of daylight? no, you believe ‘tis still the curse? very well, my liege. but let me know if you wish to try the elixir of vitamin D anyway.

[so-very-sedated]

something i wrote in 2023 that i thought i should share

I feel like I’m drifting at sea

Desperately trying to keep above the waves

As they continuously and viciously pummel me down again

I surface for a breath, one short breath

And suddenly I’m below the surface once again

Watching the waves beat against themselves from underneath

Sometimes, when my muscles ache and my lungs burn

I slip silently below, just for a moment of peace

Once, I was floating down, deeper and deeper

I came close to opening my mouth

“Drowning only hurts until you stop trying to hold your breath”

I heard that once.

…

I kept swimming.

I’m not sure why,

maybe it was the pipe dream of one day getting a boat

Being able to rest, being able to observe, not having to fight as hard

I can’t even imagine what it feels like to have something solid beneath my feet

It sounds like paradise

As of late, it’s been getting better, slowly

I’m not sure if I learned how to swim better

Or if the storm is ebbing

All I know, is I’ve been getting more breaths

One or two, occasionally three

And always I think

“Is it over? Am i finally done?”

Foolishly, every time

I go back under

It feels cruel.

But I’m still holding on

Grasping at that silly little dream

Imagining a boat, and sunny skies, and calmer waters

…

Maybe we’re all set adrift

And no one has a boat

I just can’t see anyone because of the waves

Maybe I’m selfish, and weak

And the storm around me is tame

Maybe everyone else has worse storms, but stay above water

All I know is that it hurts, and it’s hard.

And I just want a boat.