One step, after the next, further than the rest.

Welcome to my sober journey.  Sobriety Date: 04/21/15.

[soberalcoholic42115]

Today I went over my Amends list for step 8 with my sponsor. Its amazing how when I entered the rooms of AA and began the journey of the steps.. 8/9 terrified me. Now that I am here, all the previous work, steps, and now my connection with my higher power- I'm not consumed by fear, yet I honour the process. I understand the importance of being entirely ready, of being entirely willing, of clearing my side of the street, of forgiveness, of making wrong right. Its amazing, the journey of recovering and the 12 steps and the full circle continuity of recovery. Amends aren't scary when we see the freedom they hold.

My recovery, 1 year.

[soberalcoholic42115]

I always had fear.. I didn't realize it was self centered fear before AA showed me it was. I fear I am going to lose something or fear I won't get something I demand. One year ago I was living on the basis of unsatisfied demands and had no peace, the only way peace has been discovered is when I look within and reduce my demands by reaching to fellows, The 12 steps, and our God. Somehow, by the grace of God, today I rejoice in one year of sobriety, one day at a time. Thank you to everyone that has stuck by my side, and carried me along this path as we trudge the road of happy destiny. Lastly, to anyone who may think they have a problem, there is a solution, it's within arms reach. Please reach out.

Left picture the day before I got sober. Right picture from this week out in the woods!

[soberalcoholic42115]

Today is my day off. I woke at 10am without an alarm. I instantly spoke to a couple friends- real friends. Friends I have never once partied with, friendships that were built upon a common ground- work and helping others. I got out of bed, I made oatmeal, I put my laundry in, I showered, I folded my laundry. I drove to a meeting. I was late. I walked around the park for a while. I met a program friend, enjoyed an ice cream. I dropped her off. I went grocery shopping. I cleaned my apartment. I ate a chicken salad for dinner. I am off to home group shortly, I am grateful.  Last year on this day, one year to this date- I can't remember the details.. I remember I took a vacation day for the day after because I knew I wouldn't be able to work. I remember working and drinking immediately after work. I went to a party I did not want to go to. I did drugs I swore many times I would never do again. I drank 15 beers amongst other stuff. I sat down on the couch and looked at the people partying. "How the fuck are they smiling?", I thought. I cracked my beer.. I remember that so perfectly. I should have been so intoxicated. But I wasn't. At this point in my addiction I couldn't escape my mind. The solution drugs and alcohol had been for so long, stopped working and instead added to my misery. The one thing that had been keeping me alive, stopped doing its job. I sipped my beer. I chugged my beer. In that moment, I somehow knew it was my last. I left the party. I called a friend and told her I wanted to kill myself. I passed out at home. I woke in shame, as many times before. I vomited. I closed my blackout blinds. It was raining. I went to my first meeting April 21st, 2015. One year ago today April 20th, 2015 was my last day being a slave to alcohol and drugs. I am looking forward to waking tomorrow to know  in a  year I did not touch anything more than an Advil. No more lorazepam, no more sleeping pills, and pain killers, no more weed and blow, and molly, no more rum bottles and beers. Somehow- with the support of AA fellowship, the 12 steps, my sponsor, daily meetings and God, one day at a time I am alive, well, and grateful. I survived all those fears.. of my birthday, christmas, new years, you know what I mean.. when I first got sober, I didn't know how I was going to do anything or ever have any "fun" again because I never did anything sober. Little did I know, I would do all those things still, and more, and receive the purest feeling of doing these things with my whole heart and mind present because for the first time in my life I am learning to love myself. Sobriety is truly a gift I am honoured to be receiving.

My recovery, 1 year tomorrow.

[soberalcoholic42115]

Last night as I knelt in my step 7 moment, broken enough from a few weeks of insanity..finally not only feeling entirely ready but understanding what entirely ready means. Steps 6 and 7 are not about who we become, they are about we we no longer seek to be.

My recovery 11 months

[soberalcoholic42115]

After a 30 minute cry to my sponsor today at work...I dove into completing a miniature step 4.. after that, I shared it, and then- I got myself to home group. After home group, I was cleaning up literature and a member with 23 years of sobriety came up to chat. He asked how I was. I told him, "ah, I'm okay- I've been far worse, but I'm not happy with my actions today", we talked further about character defects. He went on to tell me, "You will always have them Dani, I still have mine, and I'm sorry to tell you that. But you have tools to deal with the ones that always come up. We take action, and when we are wrong we use our tools. You have much to be grateful for today. You made a wrong, you quickly made amends, you're at an AA meeting, you're not out on a spree, you're not creating more damage, or hurting a spree of people on a spree." His words were exactly the kicker I needed. I forgot of the damage I've created. The growth that has happened. The spiritual healing I have been freely given. That is why AA meetings are important. That is why sponsorship, and fellowship are important. That is why the step work is important.  That is why my higher power is so important. Recovery is a triangle, we need all three tiers to be balanced. Recovery, service, unity.  I am glad to report, I will be going to sleep tonight- grateful, not as a roaring tornado but as a recovering alcoholic. Tomorrow, I will wake- and I will go to my 10am meeting, and try all over again.

My recovery, 11 months.

[roygillett]

God can be found in the subtle vibratory mantra of silence.

Roy Gillett (via roygillett)

[dailylemonaide]

You’ll always be uncomfortable before something amazing happens. You’ll get through the growing pains.

#dailylemonaide #inspiration #motivation #positivity #change #bepresent #inspire #happiness #relationships #growth #keepsmiling #loveyourself #goodvibes #unconditionallove #love #happy #newbeginnings #wisdom #positivequotes #travel #selflove #intuition #feelinggood #peaceofmind #meditation #spirituality #universe #lovinglife #life

[abiding-in-peace]

Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.

Jack Kornfield (via abiding-in-peace)

[spiritualinspiration2]

[soberalcoholic42115]

We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but no we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 75

[soberalcoholic42115]

"Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help. This i s the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the principal; we are his agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer, Being all powerful. He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and preformed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn".

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous p. 62/63 

[soberalcoholic42115]

6 days until my 1 year... I remember the pain I was in not long ago. I think of the agonizing mornings, the desperate nights, the lonely cry's- and how different in it's entirety my life is today...one day at a time.

My recovery 11 months

[soberalcoholic42115]

If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails, if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink.

Dr. Bobs Nightmare, last paragraph

[soberalcoholic42115]

GRATITUDE is not a passive response to something we have been given, gratitude arises from paying attention, from being awake in the presence of everything that lives within and without us. Gratitude is not necessarily something that is shown after the event, it is the deep, a-priori state of attention that shows we understand and are equal to the gifted nature of life. Gratitude is the understanding that many millions of things come together and live together and mesh together and breathe together in order for us to take even one more breath of air, that the underlying gift of life and incarnation as a living, participating human being is a privilege; that we are miraculously, part of something, rather than nothing. Even if that something is temporarily pain or despair, we inhabit a living world, with real faces, real voices, laughter, the color blue, the green of the fields, the freshness of a cold wind, or the tawny hue of a winter landscape. To see the full miraculous essentiality of the color blue is to be grateful with no necessity for a word of thanks. To see fully, the beauty of a daughter’s face is to be fully grateful without having to seek a God to thank him. To see the dawn alone or in the evening to sit among friends and strangers, hearing many voices, strange opinions; to intuit inner lives beneath surface lives, to inhabit many worlds at once in this world, to be a someone amongst all other someones and all other things, and therefore to make a conversation without saying a word, is to deepen our sense of presence and therefore our natural sense of thankfulness that everything happens both with us and without us, that we are participants and witness all at once. Thankfulness finds its full measure in generosity of presence, both through participation and witness. We sit at the table or walk with another, as part of every other person’s world while making our own world without will or effort, this is what is extraordinary and gifted, this is the essence of gratefulness, seeing to the heart of privilege. Thanksgiving happens when our sense of presence meets all other presences. Being unappreciative might mean we are simply not paying attention. ...

‘GRATITUDE’ From CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

[soberalcoholic42115]

I’ve had a lot going on lately and of course, my alcoholic mind is weeping the benefits of many opportunities to get stuck in different obsessions. However, the flip side of that is the opportunity for my faith to grow. Even though, many days recently I haven’t “felt” connected. I know I am. I’ve been shown its a process in the miracles all around me.

I watched a youtube speaker last night that really got back to the basics in the big book and our primary message. He spoke to the Doctors Opinion, Bills story and the first 3 steps. 

I realize a lot of my struggle lately, has been falling back into trying to capture and define my higher power. I called my sponsor and said “Hey, I think its this, but I’m not really sure why this is coming up again... we’ve dealt with this. I know this.” She said to me, “Honey, sometimes we learn things and our heads may know them but we have to ask for help from someone else so our hearts can hear them”. That was the start to my heart opening again.

In the speaker tape, he gently reminded me of the Allergy to Alcohol. The physical reaction of once the alcohol goes in my body its russian roulette. I never know what will happen. I could stop at 2 or 30, I just don’t know. For a non-alcoholic this will NEVER happen. The word never is used in the Doctors opinion, not sometimes. Then the mental obsession, “Have you ever said I will never do that again? And then do it again?” I can answer both Yes. I am an alcoholic. 

he points out in Bills story the moment Ebby Thatcher suggests he finds his own conception of God, and Bill comes back realizing, he only has to believe it is POSSIBLE and that is an enough for the beginning.

It was a great reminder to me, to get back to the basics, to believe in possibility. 

Another thing he pointed out was from the 3rd step declaration of turning our will over. It is just a DECISION, the act of turning out will over is through steps 4-9. In the declaration, for the first time the line: 

“take away my difficulties, that victory over them may BARE witness (SEE) to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life.”

I have prayed this every day for months and months and never understood that line. This is asking God to place those who need our help (the divines help) in our pathway to do Gods will. 

Sorry for the long post. All in all, it’s been a POWERFUL WEEK of breakthroughs. Spiritual experiences for me only come through pain. It’s been a great ordeal learning that, but now when pain comes, I have experience to know this too shall pass. 

Apparently this is normal as we approach one year?

[soberalcoholic42115]

Where Gods spirit is,there is your home. There is heaven for you.

Twenty-four hours a day Book or (The little black book)

[aapigeon]

This program isn’t ‘some get it and some don’t.’ It’s 'some do it and some don’t’

overheard at a meeting (via aapigeon)