Soviet-Wizard

[kingsweeviladvisor]

what people think being a evil wizard is like:

- space lightning

- cursing your enemies

what being and evil wizard is actually like:

- saying "i'm insane" all the time to defend yourself so people know that you are aware of how insane you sound

- hearing all the sounds that everything in the universe makes and fitting them together as a song

- knowing that magic is not changing how this song sounds but singing along and dancing to it

- and if i'm honest. a little bit of space lightning and cursing your enemies. as a treat

[soviet-wizard]

@evilwizard

[gavamont]

Extraterrestrial wizards keep mocking my looking glass at the top of my wizard tower by coming just into my viewing range, flipping me off, and then flying away. Someday I’ll get a better telescope so I can track where they’re going and then I will shoot a beam attack at them.

[wildshapedruid]

[voldrinofthenorth]

@wizard-council-bureaucrat

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

By the gods, I’ve never seen a wizard so wizard

[kisnin]

to poorly parody @asteroidtroglodyte's post

get shitcanned fuck nuggets, i got a new magic wand, and it comes fully loaded with a single spell: "9M313 AA guided missile direct to your ass and out your noggin sending you spiraling into the tender mercies of the ground"

The Earth has a perfect kill streak, and Isaac Newton is getting the assists

[feyosha]

ANTI-DRAGON STAFF

[soviet-wizard]

That outdated pile of drek?!?

Dragons just cast a cone of cold and the IR sensor acts like they don't even exist!

[evilwizard]

attention acolytes! in order to maximize shareholder value, i will be turning all of you into gold statues, frozen in twisted spasms of pain for all eternity, in a great and lifeless mausoleum. we expect to eke out a marginal gain in Q3

[brainscrems]

And how does this increase shareholder value O Great and Powerful Dark One?

[nerathul]

Obviously we can add the statues to our assets while also cutting down on employee expenses.

[brainscrems]

I see! This sounds like a sustainable business practice and I have no further questions.

[evilwizard]

yes! im so good at Company

[soviet-wizard]

Im casting a capitalism bad fire ball RIGHT NOW.

[spiribia]

I like when the bus stops directly in front of you out of the line of waiting people and opens its doors. Chosen by the dragon

[icarusdiesatdawn]

I hate this post. Ever since I read it I can't help but think "chosen by the dragon" whenever the bus stops in front of me or "denied by the dragon" when it doesn't. Every. single. time. That's a minimum of ten times a week. Do you know how annoying that is

[soviet-wizard]

Dragon's curse

[niaskotl]

Airline magick. Leveraging the collective fear of death on takeoff to charge the sigils

[wizard-of-interesting-failure]

Oh yeah I got one of these but replace “on takeoff” with “in the blast radius”. The best part is that the more power it absorbs the bigger the blast radius gets!

[spinningblueberry]

hasn’t recursive magic been banned by the greater council??

[wizard-of-interesting-failure]

Oh goodness, you’re right! It’d be just terrible if they showed up all afraid of what the sigil might do!

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

🦠

Take this you will need it further in your journey...

Due to the sharp increase in magic prices since the Wizard War, wizards will be doing the much cheaper biological warfare

[probably-things-and-brian]

@diseases-for-center-control

[diseases-for-center-control]

by god the wizards got the lettuce

[soviet-wizard]

I am going to do the proletariat SO proud!

[the-stew-goblin]

When I kill people for my stews, I like to cycle between weapons to keep it fresh and exciting.

Hatchets, sledgehammers, kitchen knifes, my little goblin claws, my kagune, a pizza knife, all sorts of fun objects!!

[drax-the-vampire-king]

I'll be honest stew goblin. I always pictured you running around with a giant ladle for a weapon.

[the-stew-goblin]

I have dozens of ladles. One is made of cast iron with spikes all over it so that it doubles as a tenderizer

[soviet-wizard]

This is why @the-stew-goblin and I are friends. I gifted him a Kalashnikov upon meeting them. Such interesting stews.

Speaking of which, did you ever find a way to make frozen dead Nazi stew not quite so bitter?

[the-stew-goblin]

Yes! I added 500 bajillion pounds of sugar and now it just tastes like sugar stew. Which is a drastic change for the better

[soviet-wizard]

Cooking with Goblins is always a treat

[the-stew-goblin]

When I kill people for my stews, I like to cycle between weapons to keep it fresh and exciting.

Hatchets, sledgehammers, kitchen knifes, my little goblin claws, my kagune, a pizza knife, all sorts of fun objects!!

[drax-the-vampire-king]

I'll be honest stew goblin. I always pictured you running around with a giant ladle for a weapon.

[the-stew-goblin]

I have dozens of ladles. One is made of cast iron with spikes all over it so that it doubles as a tenderizer

[soviet-wizard]

This is why @the-stew-goblin and I are friends. I gifted him a Kalashnikov upon meeting them. Such interesting stews.

Speaking of which, did you ever find a way to make frozen dead Nazi stew not quite so bitter?

[ruinedchildhood]

[supersoftly]

[dragon-butt]

if you survive the descent of the Crystal Formations to reach my lair and give me belly rubs i might let you go. you were pretty brave after all. Buuuuut maybe a few more minutes wouldn't hurt right....

[soviet-wizard]

I am busy, how much longer? I didn't expect this quest to take days?!

[evilwizard]

keep your head up, fellow wizard! it’s incantation, not incanttation!

[evilwizard]

wait

[evilwizard]

hold on

[evilwizard]

wait

[hotvampireadjacent]

[soviet-wizard]

[hotvampireadjacent]

[evilscientist3]

i swear if the wizard doesnt let me out of his abandoned salt mine soon im gonna fucking LOSE IT

[ttechniic]

what did you do to be put into the salt mine

[evilscientist3]

i MAY have eaten his special wizard meal. but i think he should let me out tbh

[ttechniic]

was it good? was it worth it? are you able to bear the weight of your sin?

[evilscientist3]

im not gonna lie it was fucking delicious i would fucking do it again. wait shit youre the fucking wizard in disguise seeing if ive learned my lesson arent you. fuck.

[ttechniic]

10 YEARS IN THE ABANDONED SALT MINE.

[siderealglimmer]

[rainydaymay]

Being high has me saying things like “I like friends” as if it’s some profound relization

[creepymutelilbugger]

a puff of truthweed will have your breath carry only the undeniable