Call me Amby

[They/Them] Aspie Queer Person Bitter about the World

[spacefaringamoeba]

Hi, I'm Amby and use they/them pronouns.

This blog is mostly for me to vent about my issues.

If you want to know more shit about me look below 👇

I have autism (officially Aspergers Syndrome) with dyspraxia as well as I'm self diagnosed with cPTSD (suggested by medical professionals) and ADHD. Previously diagnosed with general anxiety and chronic depression. I also have IBS and PCOS. Government doesn't view me as disabled.

I'm in university studying psychology and currently unemployed.

I'm an omnisexual (bisexual) non-binary type of queer.

I was a late diagnosed autistic (late 20s) and I would say I'm quite good at masking. Currently working on being unmasked whatever that means and rediscovering myself.

[weekly-eons]

Disability pride sylveon for disability pride month? maybe with one of those dog wheelchairs?

A good doggo!

[spacefaringamoeba]

Amazing!

[spacefaringamoeba]

To be diagnosed I had to pay to a private company out of the pocket and the cost was ridiculously prohibitive (I was lucky to have that money). My country has "universal healthcare" and it didn't matter.

And they diagnosed me with one disorder. Not exclusive. Meaning that if I suspect (or fucking know) I have other issues I need to go back and get assessed for every other singular thing. And pay for it. And wait for it.

At this point this is self-diagnosis with extra steps. I think I have autism. I book and pay for autism assessment. They say "yes, you do, here is a paper that confirms that". And then I go and make another one.

Want to use your "universal healthcare" that you paid for with your taxes? Tough luck, you are an adult...

[burntblueberrywaffles]

haha its fine

[spacefaringamoeba]

I can't even add anything... Too relatable.

[muttren]

i’m too disabled/ill to work but in the government’s eyes, i’m not disabled enough to get disability benefits.

[spacefaringamoeba]

Yeah, that's me now. I'm only employed until the end of November... No new job in sight (if I could even hold one)...

[stupid-red-pants-deactivated202]

any other neurodivergents eat ferrero rochers in layers? like the chocolate, then the crunchy stuff, then the spread, then the skin of the hazelnut, then the actual hazelnut? idk if i’m just weird or if that’s a thing?

[spacefaringamoeba]

I HATE ferrero rochers for some reason BUT I do the same thing to toffifee and raffaello... Sometimes I hold them in my mouth so long that the outer coconut layer is gone before I bite it at all. I never thought it could be neurodivergent thing but who knows?

[autistic-af]

Autistics often struggle to learn how to drive, usually taking 6-9 months longer to obtain their licence (if they're able to drive at all).

This isn't surprising when you think about everything that goes into driving.

You need to successfully and confidently:

Know how to operate the car

Know all the laws of driving

Be able to switch between multiple tasks

Preempt other driver's movements

Be aware of your surroundings at all times

Not get distracted

Listen and watch for traffic hazards, emergency vehicles etc

Stay calm at all times

Anticipate and react to the traffic around you

Interact with other drivers as necessary to ensure the flow of traffic

Cope with the noise of traffic

Cope with police officers during routine traffic stops etc

Ensure your car is road worthy at all times.

And about a dozen other things!

So, if you're autistic and can't drive, there is nothing wrong with you. It's freaking difficult, scary to learn, and a sensory nightmare!

[spacefaringamoeba]

Remember it is also ok to try again when you're older and it may (or may not!) be easier for you! I'm nearly 30 and I've tried twice to learn (with not so good results) but I will try again because I feel like it ;)

[spacefaringamoeba]

I guess... After all that effort and thousands spent on diagnosis... I'm still alone in my room not having any support or benefits.

I suppose that I can feel less guilty or trash for stuff that happened to me when I was a child or adolescent. But then I will blame my peers for using my gullibility, my parents for not recognising anything is wrong or providing any sort of help; medical professionals and teachers for not realising I have substantial issues.

It turns out the diagnosis didn't make me happy. It made me angry.

[spacefaringamoeba]

I was told today that being married shows I'm functioning too well to be granted disability status.

I'm angry. I've lost my job, dropped out of uni. I paid hundreds to get an official diagnosis. Psychologist told me based on her experience I won't qualify so no point in trying.

[thinks-to-thought]

welcome to today’s episode of “is there actually a bug crawling on me or is it just sensory issues?” /lh

[spacefaringamoeba]

This hits hard! Summer is usually the worst for me with high temperatures and sweating (and bugs being more everywhere). I can tell it also gets worse when I'm burned out.

[crowtheboneman]

I'm starting to go into burnout and have hit the wonderful stage of increased sensory sensitivity. Foods that I used to eat daily are now unbearable. The clothes I used to wear constantly now cause pain and sounds I used to find comforting now cause intense headaches. I feel like I'm constantly bordering on a meltdown, even when I've just had one. The world around me is significantly more irritating and unbearable than it was previously. I find myself hitting my tolerance for input daily, I'm having frequent anger outbursts and times of uncontrollable sobbing, which I'm slightly hesitant to classify as a mild meltdown but honestly might be. While I'm normally hyperverbal, with frequent variations in my inflection and tone, and becoming anxious when I don't speak for long periods of time. Verbalizing my thoughts is now exhausting, my voice slowly becoming more monotone, and I'm having more trouble speaking for long periods of time. It has become nearly impossible for me to feel empathy toward anything, which my ability to empathize has always been debatable, things that I think are empathetic actions others view as selfish or self absorbed, but now its almost like my heart is just empty. When I was diagnosed, it was decided I was not eligible for disability. Namely, due to the fact that I am capable of masking, despite the difficulty I face in my day to day life, I'm able to cover it up. I'm now seeking a reevaluation from a new psychologist. And despite my desperation to take a break from everything, I am unable, because if I do, I risk losing a roof over my head. Though I'd have to say one of the worst parts of all of this is the unbearable feeling of being completely alone. The fact that no matter what I do, no matter how desperately I try to describe my feelings, there is almost no one who will fully understand that almost no one who will know the constant overwhelm state I am in. Sure, there are other autistic people in my life who will, but those people have no ability to actually help due to them also being in a similar situation. Since my diagnosis, I have come to the realization that this world was not made for us, and we will always either be infantilized or treated as lazy and hunting for excuses. Because this world is catered to allistics, and accommodations for invisible disabilities are viewed as unfair and nothing but an inconvenience.

[spacefaringamoeba]

I feel this so deeply... I'm lucky to not become immidiately homeless once I'm without a job, yet I'm haunted by guilt and made to look for a new job and I know there will be no break for me to actually try to recover...

[spacefaringamoeba]

I hate that I'm considered "high functioning". I barely qualify for any "level" of disability in my country and I will never get a disability income. Yes. I'm able to go to work. But I will not be able to hold it for more than a few months before getting burned out and having daily meltdowns. No, having 10 minutes extra work break won't help me. Neither will wearing headphones or carrying fidgets. I'm literally not able to work 40h a week without severe negative consequences... How do i fucking exist in this society!

[doberbutts]

When I was first in recovery for my brain injury, the physical therapist's office was incredibly mobility-friendly and the majority of people there used wheelchairs. I was paralyzed down my right side due to my neck and back injury from the same car accident so I also was in a wheelchair until I had recovered enough to use a cane instead.

The lights were so bright that I spent the first several weeks of exercises with a towel covering my face as I laid on the bench and my PT worked on me and then I would be driven home to cry for hours in the dark because even with that it was still Too Much Too Loud Too Bright Too Tactile Too Much. At some point, several weeks in, my PT suggested we move to a private room instead of the main exercise area where she could turn off the lights and we could work in the dark instead.

During that period I couldn't talk to advocate for myself so there was no way for me to communicate my needs besides through gestures and grunts and forcing single word sentences out. I couldn't hold a pencil long enough to write and I couldn't look at a screen long enough to type.

So yes actually I have been places where mobility needs are met but no one else's are, and I've also been places where other needs are met but not mobility. Funny enough ableism in society is a weapon used against any and all disabled people and having inadequate accomodations should be a uniting factor between us rather than a dividing point. It sucks to be disabled in ableist society. I think we all know that.

[spacefaringamoeba]

My heart keeps on beating

My body keeps on living

But I don't exist

[spacefaringamoeba]

People on this site can be so rude. Remember that there is a human being on the other side.

[spacefaringamoeba]

Am i the only one that thinks fragmentation of disabled community is just as bad as fragmentation of LGBT+ community?

So many people are arguing that one part of community or one specific type of disability is worse than others. That their needs are more important or that some accesibilities aren't as much required.

I'm sorry but don't minorities have issues outside the community we should focus on? Like... LGBT+ community faces all different problems but somehow they band together and advocate for each other?

I had to unfollow certain disability tags because people keep arguing so much I can't take it... Let's stop invalidating each other. Life sucks and we shouldn't make it harder for each other.