Write Drunk, Edit Sober

I'm that one person in the squad who's not down with murder

[teathattast]

[devanofficial]

The Houses as Things I’ve Overheard

Gryffindor: What is feminism? Half of all incels should be women

Hufflepuff: It’s about nature versus nurture and I can’t nurture the bitch out of her

Ravenclaw: Idk about how big his brain penis is

Slytherin: You know my smile’s real because whenever I look at you, I laugh

[johannestevans]

Children near a magical wood catching bugs and their family are like. Please do not catch pixies and small fae and bring them into our home. They are sentient and they are intelligent

And the kids are like "but they get into our bug traps" and "we didn't catch him he followed us home"

And their parents are like. Please i do not believe that 6 fucking pixies smuggled themselves into our garage on the underside of your bicycle saddle and then set up shop in the old dolls house. These are living beings they're not toys it's not kind to treat them like this

And the kids are like we are NOT treating them like anything you said we're not allowed to trap them and they always get into our traps so we always run away when they see us and then they follow us and get inside our backpacks and stuff

And the parents are like

Stop lying!!!

And then they set up wildlife cams and not only can pixies apparently do all of that and are very desperate to hang out with these human kids (who have fun life-sized toys and are covered in wonderful things like glitter and are a free source of fresh bugs and pop tart crumbs)

But they can also like. Fully just pick locks and shit.

Setting up little cameras and having to come to terms with the fact that not only are these small fae initiating every interaction with the kids but have also taken their cat's side in the war against pigeons and keep riding it into battle

[doccyuk]

The fae quickly realise the camera is a camera, and just as quickly invent silent movies

Each intertitle card has been crafted from words cut out of other writing, so a piece of paper looking like a ransom demand states "BuT Hoo wil SAVE the Dams3l?" is pulled away to reveal a doll tied to train tracks

[greelin]

the horseman wouldn’t be headless if he met me. If you get what i’m saying

[tyleroakley]

(via “buying cursed items off ebay + unboxing”)

[hijustanotherfangirl]

For some reason “Spirits begone and shit” is the funniest thing to me rn

[c4rist4rs]

“Spirits begone and shit” has such similar energy to “what up demons it’s me ya boy”

[blackqueerblog]

I do not know this baby but I love this baby.

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

This is it. The singular most uplifting video I’ve ever seen in my entire life. When Sam said there’s good in the world worth fighting for he meant this.

[meltyneon]

That baby has the right idea tough: Win rap battle by continuously laughing

[tyleroakley]

(via “buying cursed items off ebay + unboxing”)

[hijustanotherfangirl]

For some reason “Spirits begone and shit” is the funniest thing to me rn

[c4rist4rs]

“Spirits begone and shit” has such similar energy to “what up demons it’s me ya boy”

[demonius-darkblade]

imagine converting to the catholic church LMAO catholicism is only supposed to be passed down from parent to child in a manner best described as ‘if I had to live like this then so do you’ 

[greelin]

i love my mother dearly but ability-wise she frightens me bc not only can she find 20 four leaf clovers within the span of like 2 minutes, everywhere, she can also write her name w/ both hands on a dry erase board or w/e at the exact same time and have both be a mirror image of one another

[greelin]

to add to this: i was making breakfast this morning and i hear “hey milo! look who came to say hello!” and, expecting like, a moth or a frog or something of that nature, i turn and she’s holding a snake

[assassinationtipsforladies]

Yer ma’s a witch. Be nice to her

[nube-1-deactivated20210117]

[northofcorpis]

That fuckin smile at the end

[bettsplendens]

To the worried person in the comments: 

No, a hummingbird’s heart will not stop if it stops moving. You’re possibly thinking of Spoink, which is a Pokemon that supposedly powers its heart by bouncing, and as such can’t stop moving. Hummingbirds don’t sit often because they’re busy looking for food, but they can and do sit. The females sit on eggs in nests, after all, and they do have to sleep. 

[sindri42]

Fun fact: the leg muscles of a hummingbird are so stripped down to save on weight that they cannot walk. They can step sideways along a branch or other perch, but they cannot go forward without taking flight.

However they absolutely do stop moving. In fact, hummingbirds hibernate! Overnight. Instead of sleeping. Because if they tried to sleep like a normal animal their hyperactive metabolism would mean that they starve to death before breakfast.

Unrelated fun fact: the primary Aztec god of war would take on the form of a hummingbird, and the souls of the bravest warriors were said to turn into hummingbirds in order to join him after death, presumably because every hummingbird is approximately four grams of pure concentrated asskicking which fears no man nor beast and will gladly throw down with somebody seventeen thousand times their size if offended.

[ubercharge]

this is a really cool post and i love seeing such a small bird but reading “No, a hummingbird’s heart will not stop if it stops moving. You’re possibly thinking of Spoink” killed me 

[trnstlanticism]

if you didn’t already think thor ragnarok was one of the best films in the marvel cinematic universe please consider: this picture

[beyonceisstraight]

This has the same aura as the birth of venus

[hashtagloveloses]

people are writing avengers AUs, david tennant is all over tumblr, and everyone is talking about dan howell…finally it is once again 2012. i can be at peace.

[anxietyproblem]

[a-luchadork-deactivated20191020]

[marvel-lous-things]

Bartender: thanks for stopping that bar fight, spiderman. Can I get you a drink? It’s on the house

Peter: thank you, but I can’t

Bartender: why not

Peter:

Bartender:

Peter, trying not to give his age away: I’m pregnant

[eldritchcannon]

Bartender, shook: oh, congratulations, boy or girl?

Peter, now in full-on panic mode: it’s an uh, spider

[moonbeamdagger]

I’m seeing stuff in the notes about “Miles would do this” and I just want to say: you’re absolutely right. All Spider-folks across all universes share one (1) singular brain cell and most of the time it’s Gwen’s.

[seananmcguire]

As the current author of Spider-Gwen, I can attest that Gwen has not seen the brain cell in years.

[doktorgirlfriend]

“Why does Tumblr romanticize Hades so much?”

Idk Clarice, maybe we’re just tired, and life is uncertain, and we like the idea of a stable husband with a steady job and a big dog and his own place away from all the loud, shapeshifting-kink party gods.

[friendly-animals]

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