Stand Up Funny Man

[standupfunnyman]

My Waterloo

Hay, anyone out there, have an unhealthy relationship with food? May be it’s time to seek some counseling with Jenny Craig.

Well, my WaterLoo took place at church. Every time someone mention, “Jesus.” I heard, " Cheesus, and I would find myself looking around for a box of cracker to stuff my face.

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo January 9, 2019

[standupfunnyman]

No Tattoos, No Brandings

I believe the Human body is the Temple for God's Holy Spirit.

So I have no tattoos or brandings on my body, and I don't date a woman who has them. Well, I broke up with my latest girlfriend. While engaged in a steamy passionate horizontal workout I found a branding on the bottom of her foot that read," Fantastic Plastic Flora''. A product of China.

Written By Stephen J. Vattimo 6/27/2018

[standupfunnyman]

Sensitive,Caring ,Guy

Ladies and Gentelmen,

Isn’t common to hear that men are accused of not showing their Ladies that they appreciate them . Well , just the other day, to show my girl that I love her,I decided to treat her to beauty Salon Make over. So i took her to a Bicycle shop, and purchased a couple of bicycle tire repair kits. Now inflatable Flo, looks ten years younger,and has no doubt I appreciate her.

She told me, she never thought in her wildest dreams, she would meet such a great guy who is sensitive and thoughtful , while she was working at an adult book store.

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo January 6,2018

[standupfunnyman]

Vegan Vagrant

What did the Policemen say to the Vegan Vagrant? " There no loitering around the Corn field allowed

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo 10/05/2017

[standupfunnyman]

Back Yard Pinic

It's summer time,and someone who has a balding , oblong, miss shaped head, does a brainless thing that ruins you back yard picnic. What do you call them? A Seedless Water Mellon Head ! Written by Stephen J. Vattimo August 28,2017

Like

Show more reactions

Comment

Share

[standupfunnyman]

Tree Conservancy in The City

I grew up in suburbia America. I am use to every one in my neighborhood having large properties with grass and trees,and our neighborhood had near by wood areas. So it is no wonder I would not like to live in a city. I don’t like cities because almost every where you look ,you see concrete buildings,concrete side walks,and asphalt roads,and all the pollution from all the vehicles in the air . You know trees are so rare in city,they treat them like endangered species. The city places 4 ft high electric fences around the bottom portions of the trees,to prevent dogs from killing the trees by lifting their legs and peeing on the trees. You can tell the cities’ tree conservancy program is successful, because there is a hot dog stand on almost on every corner in the city. Written Stephen J. Vattimo Aug 18, 2017

[standupfunnyman]

Rewards For leaving a Present In The Right Place.

One very hot day, I decided on my way home from work I would stop off at this local farm that sell ice cream. So I get myself a Root Beer Galatia, go sit under this over hang and enjoy this cool refreshment. Well I take a seat next to some woman who have their children with them. I overhear one woman ask the other if their daughter entered the potting training stage. The other woman replies," Yes, my daughter has been receiving rewards every time she uses the potty ,instead going to the bathroom in her pull ups. So the mother of the daughter say," tell Mrs .Kim, what you gotten for using the potty like a big girl!" The little girl in her shy manner,hugging her mother leg replies," I’ve gotten dollies,and stuffed animal,and treats." While hear this conversation a funny thought came into my head,I wanted to blurt out to the ladies," Well My nurse promised me, she will buy me a Lamborghini,if i would use the toilet instead of using my Depends to go to the bathroom!" Written By Stephen J.Vattimo

[standupfunnyman]

An Idea Is Circling Over Head

I was walking in the Valley Forge Park to day,and decide to pull a prank on two very attractive young woman. I went up to them and asked," Excuse me ladies, I am wondering if you can give me some directing to a restaurant that is located close by?" The ladies asked me, " What is the name of the restaurant?"... I replied," It called The Road Kill Bar and Grill." Then out of the corner of my eye i saw a bunch of vultures Circling in the sky above a open field. So i told the ladies ,silly me,there's the restaurant!" They with a started sound in their voice,Asked me,"where ?" I pointed toward the sky,and exclaimed ," The The Road Kill Bar and Grill is located right below the circling vultures.

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo March25, 2017

[standupfunnyman]

Work Place Dictionary

Two Guys were in the break room bashing their boss, and the boss overheard their complaints about him as he was entering the room. So the brown nosier out of the two employees, went up to the boss and asked how he was doing (not knowing the boss over heard them bashing him behind his back.) The boss response, “I am feeling Fan testicular!” The two employees look at each other with a confused look on their faces, and ask the boss in unison, “What does t...hat mean?” “The Boss response, “it means it’s a fantastic day for me to be dick!”

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo April 5, 2017

[standupfunnyman]

" What Wrong With Babies?"

Have you ever listen to a sermon in church , and your mind comes up with a joke about some thing the preacher just said,and of course you are inching to blurt it out to your neighbor sitting next to you?

Well, last night i was siting in a church on Christmas Eve, listing to the preacher deliver a sermon, that had the recurring theme ," What Wrong With Babies?" His point was ,that ever one loves a cute baby, that they can manage and protect the child’s life from harm. So the Preacher was trying to get the listen to empathize what it was like to be the mother to Jesus who is the Son of God. When He was a baby, Mary must have felt she was in control of His well being ,but When he grew up to be a men, she could not save Him from being crucified by the hands of the Romans army.

Well, during the sermon when the Preach repeated," What Wrong With Babies? " I wanted to yell out, “The same problem we have with unwanted Christmas Fruit Cake, We’re run out of land fill space for all the dirty diapers!”

Written Stephen J. Vattimo Dec 24 2016

[standupfunnyman]

Can You Imagine Hillary Clinton Applying for A Job As President Of A Hotel Chain ?

The interviewer for the position would go something like this. The HR interviewed would first shake her hand and offer her a chair to sit down, then ask, “May I call you Hillary? She replies, “Certainly not! “ “You may address me as Madam Secretary Of State Clinton!” The interview start Reading off Hillary’s Resume. “I see you are applying for the President’s Position of our hotel chain .” “Well let’s take a look at you resume.” “I see you were First lady 1993-2001, during the Buba Clinton Presidency” “I have to say Madam Secretary, I don’t remember you, but I thought Monica Lewinsky was First lady.” “It says here that you were a Senator of New York 2001-2009” “I have to claim ignorance, but during you time as Senator, I have not heard any bills you got made into law, or make contribution to our country that have befitted our country and its people.” “I see you were Secretary of State during the Obama administration.” “Which you have fail to grant protection for an U.S. embassy in Benghazi that resulted in an Ambassador and his staff end up being killed plus a CIA post destroyed were military special forces member lost their live trying to defend it.” “Your Foreign policies have weakened our military forces to be able to protect our nation and its allies. “With you policies we are disrespected by our enemies, and our allies don’t trust us.” “Madam Secretary Clinton, with you experience we don’t think you are qualified to be the President of Our Hotel Chain.” But Chin Up Madam Secretary, With your Experience, With White Water, Travel Gate, File Gate and the Clinton foundation, we would like to offer you a job as Head administrator of our laundry department.” It is Clear Have pristine talent in laundering money.

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo Nov 2 2016

[standupfunnyman]

Fueling Up With Green Gas

A man pulls into a WaWa store to fuel up his car. To this man’s surprise he see the man parked in front of him is take out of a big brown bag green bean burritos and unwraps them then cramming them into his gas tank of his car. So the man who was observing this odd behavior goes over to the man park in front of him and asks him,‘’ Why are you cramming those bean burritos into the gas tank of your car?" The man with the burritos replies," I am trying to protect the environment,so I am fueling my car up with green gas." The man who asked him about the bean burritos asks," Aren’t you concerned about people trying to sue you for the damage done to their car’s paint jobs,that was caused by the fumes that came out of your tail pipe?"

Stephen J.Vattimo

March 12, 2015

[standupfunnyman]

Mystery Of Missing Ships And Planes Solved

Any one ever wonder were all the planes and ships that disappeared in the  Bermuda Triangle have gone?

Well I found I out one Christmas Day.  My parents had got me  this really cool aircraft carrier toy that actually launched airplanes off it's deck using catapults just like real Aircraft carrier do.      Well during one of my missions to defend the free world from  enemies military forces.  I launched one of my planes off  my deck of my ship  and watched it sore up ward through the air, then went into a barrel roll, then went into a dive and crashed right into the black dark ocean of my mothers hair who was sleeping on the couch in the room I was playing in. Well I never recovered the down  plane it was declared missing in action. Until a couple of months latter,when my mother ask me to go up to her bed room and retrieve something for her from her dresser.     While search for the object she wanted I found my down naval plane that had gone missing months before. There it was lying at the bottom of one of her dresser drawers.   I rescue the plane and hid it in my bed room.    So do you want my mom's phone number encase a airplane or ship disappears?

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo March 8, 2015

[standupfunnyman]

Dick's Has A New Competitor.

Did any one hear about the new chain of sporting goods stores that is competing with Dick's Sporting Goods.  It is owned by a activist group for woman who hate men.  The name of the new store chain is  COOCH Sporting Goods.

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo Mach 3, 2015

[standupfunnyman]

Tuesday,Hump Day ?

Any one see the new GEICO Commercial where visitor at a zoo go up to the camel pen and yell out famous GEICO commercial phases (Mike..Mike ..Mike,Guess what day it is? ,Hump Day!) Well wouldn’t be funny if the writers of that commercial would have the second camel remain Phil the Camel, " though Tuesday is not thought of as the traditional Hump Day. For a tour group made up of prosituites ,every day better be Hump day,or their Zoo keeper won’t give them their food or water.

Writen By Stephen J. Vattimo

[standupfunnyman]

Cartoon Charactor Or Chippendale Dancer

Any one see the TV commercial for the new Sponge Bob Movie,"Sponge Out Of Water? " The movie is suppose to be about how Sponge Bob and his friends( who are cartoon charters from a children's TV   show) have to save their world from an apostolic end  by coming into our world  to retrieve their Crabby Paddy formula from a pirate who stole it.   Now to retrieve their formula from the pirate,they turn themselves in to supper heroes who use their supper natural power to bitch slap the pirate into giving back their Crabby paddy formula, Now when they become super heroes Their bodies morph from cute  animated cartoon characters  to Characters who bodies have pecs and washboard abs. Sponge Bob super hero character look like a  Tae - Bo Fitness instructor, and Patrick the Star fish's super hero character  looks like a  Chippendale dancers. I guess protecting children's innocents went out the window.

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo Feb 8, 2015

[standupfunnyman]

Two bags

The other day I stopped off at a Wawa  store to buy something to eat.   When I handed my purchases to the cashier, he asked me if I wanted my purchases doubled bagged ? So I as him,"Are you trying to pimp me a date with two old ladies from a retirement home?"

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo February 30, 2015