Kay, She/Her, 30. INFJ. 1w9 or 9w1. Diagnosed ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Mental health advocate, wannabe social science academic, and poser philosopher. General Content Warnings: Discussion of mental health, disabilities, social issues, and various related topics. Disclaimers: I do my very best to post sensitively and responsibly. I recognize the power and impact of words. I also believe strongly in both freedom of speech and freedom of thought. A lot of what I post can be considered equivalent to “thinking out loud” and, while I have an unfortunate habit of having my tone or phrasing come across as misleadingly authoritative or decisive, my beliefs or opinions are rarely fixed or closed to change & growth. I enjoy questioning & exploring controversial ideas (like “do trans women benefit from male privilege?”) and challenging quasi-universal assumptions (like “is democracy truly the best system of government?”) That means, like most people with ADHD, I have plenty of experience putting my foot in my mouth and unintentionally causing hurt and offense. My ADHD is not and never will be used as an excuse or “free pass” for this. All I’m asking is that you read anything I post with the belief that I’m coming from a place of good intentions. And I apologize in advance for the times if and when - through ignorance or impulsive lack of thought - those intentions fall short.
I am beyond offended and disgusted by the fact that Deja Taylor is blaming her son’s ADHD for the shooting at Richneck Elementary / using it as an excuse.
So much for her “taking responsibility”. 😒
A six year old should never have had access to a gun.
Period.
And victim-blaming Abby Zwerner (the teacher he tried to kill - yes, he reportedly said at the time, “I did it… I shot the b*tch dead”) because “he felt ignored” is bullsh*t.
Even Special Education teachers (of whom, Zwerner is not by any account I read) cannot prioritize one student’s needs over the needs of the other 18+ kids in the class.
His IEP (preliminary IEP? Nobody actually referred to it as an IEP but that’s what it should be if the accommodations were formalized) at the time specified that he would be accompanied by one of his parents at school. The school reportedly decided that he was making enough progress that was no longer necessary.
Obviously, it was (or some other arrangement - like phasing out or tapering - needed to be made). Because a child who is used to having an adult’s constant, full attention is going to feel ignored when he starts receiving only the same amount of adult attention as the other students (or even somewhat more!) if it’s still less than what he’s used to.
Oh. And a big F*%K YOU to the school district, Newport News Public Schools, that wants Zwerner’s lawsuit to be dismissed because it’s a “worker’s comp” situation.
I didn’t realize that we’re so desensitized to school shootings that a teacher getting shot by a student is now a worker’s comp claim. 🤬
Adjectives and phrases to use instead of the “strong” in “strong women”
(“strong female characters”/“strong female role models”, etc.)
Well-developed or well-written
Realistic, three-dimensional, nuanced
The specific traits or characteristic(s) you’re referring to: assertive, confident, independent, intense, etc.
It’s okay to use “strong”. Just have it actually mean strong (as in physical strength).
Also:
I haven’t spent the time (yet) to really think these phrases through and decide if they are really problematic but I felt they were worth mentioning and offering some alternatives:
“Mentally strong/mental strength” can be reworded into “mental or emotional resiliency”
A “strong personality” can be rephrased as a “intense/overwhelming/intimidating/unapologetic/etc. personality”
Basically - we tend to use the word “strong” as we do the word “stuff”. Challenge yourself to be more specific. The English language (for all of its flaws and borderline ridiculousness) has a wealth of adjectives beyond “strong”.
BUT …the phrase “strong women” is inherently misogynistic (unless we’re talking about women who are literally strong, as in muscled).
Because what are we really saying when we praise portrayals of “strong women”?
We’re implying that women who are not/do not act like these “strong women” are weak.
As an article in Elle (linked below) says,
Let’s take a simple example, a significant other calls you ‘special’ because you’re different from the other girls. If ‘you’re not like other girls’ is a compliment, what does it say about ‘other girls?’
And let’s think about what characteristics we’re praising here. Usually - independence, self-sufficiency, assertiveness, confidence, athletic/physical ability, competitiveness, logical understanding/ability, etc.
Guess what? All of those traits are traditionally coded “masculine” traits. And what does that signify?
That women have to act like men in order to be praised and respected. That our worth as human beings is determined by our ability to “measure up” or to “keep up” with men. With the underlying assessment that we are naturally beneath or behind men.
The worst part? This one is on us (women) and our own internalized misogyny.
Went down the rabbit hole and spent 2-3 hours reading what Wikipedia and the Internet has to say about Scientology.
On a purely academic side, lots of it brought back memories of my Religion & Secularism class in college. (What defines a religion? How do we reconcile the concepts of religious freedom, secularism, and plurality when they come into conflict? How do we respect and avoid discriminating against other religions that are not the majority/dominant religion when the value system and culture of said religion is inextricably embedded in secular culture in our society?)
I know, I know. I’m a wannabe academic & poser philosopher and nobody cares. I’m simultaneously ranting and failing to get to point. Blah. Blah. Blah.
HOWEVER
I couldn’t help but see this potential link:
Scientology’s increasing social and economic power in the ‘80s and ‘90s and their “war” on psychiatry/psychotherapy, particularly psychoactive medications.
+
The spread of mis/disinformation about ADHD and ADHD treatments (particularly stimulant medications).
Or: I’m just entertaining ideas of conspiracy theories here 🤷♀️😊🤣
Okay, WTF is up with these “actually ADHD/OCD/etc.” tags???
Trust me, I get the defensiveness. The idea of someone who isn’t disadvantaged pretending to be in order to have access to tools/accommodations/etc that they don’t need is infuriating.
I will happily rant about the people without ADHD who take ADHD meds as “study drugs”. And despite my best efforts to be understanding towards the small percentage of people with ADHD who sell their prescriptions, I can’t help but resent how their actions negatively impact the rest of us.
And is it annoying when people say stupid shit like using the disorders’ names like adjectives? (“I’m so ADHD today”)
Yes.
Is it annoying when people - both those with and without the disabilities in question - perpetuate harmful or just plain irritating stereotypes?
Yes. (Like, seriously guys, can we stop using variations of the “Hey, look, a squirrel!” when trying to explain our executive functioning to non-ADHDers? Please?!)
Do any of us have the right to decide here on Tumblr who does or doesn’t “actually” have that lived experience?
Hell no.
After all, who the hell am I to tell you that you don’t “actually have _________”?!
Think about how you would feel if someone told you that you don’t “really” have _____ as if ______ is a club that you’re not cool enough to join.
Just because you’re not speaking to them face to face doesn’t mean that the post wasn’t written by another real, living, breathing, feeling human being.
Be kind.
Edit:
Thank you for the feedback in the comments. I’m a sporadic Tumblr user so I haven’t been able to witness the changes/growth in the online communities in the same way as a consistent, frequent user.
So your comments have definitely helped me understand the use of the “actually tags” better. I do appreciate how and why we would want the ability to filter out posts that are not the kind that we’re looking for.
I remember how frustrated and hurt and betrayed I felt after reading a piece that ADDitude had posted on Facebook several years ago written by a woman listing all of the frustrations she had with her husband with ADHD. Even worse, the comments had become a place for everyone and their dog to bitch about the people in their lives with ADHD.
Were the feelings behind the venting - disappointment, confusion, frustration, resentment, hurt, exhaustion, mortification, etc. - all real and valid?
Yes.
Do I want her and others like her to have resources and support that help them better understand and communicate with us?
Totally.
Did ADDitude make it clear that they prioritized the lived experience of friends/family/teachers/etc. over those of us with ADHD by failing to manage and organize their content in a way that supports both audiences?
Absolutely.
I can’t count the number of times that I’ve shared that I have ADHD with someone and been told some variation of “Really? I would never have guessed/known.”
As if I should be proud of “being able” to pass. Or, worse, that they doubt I “actually” have ADHD because I don’t look or act like what they think ADHD looks or acts like.
We live our lives with people constantly questioning our diagnoses & abilities, our experiences, and our feelings. So I just wish and wonder if we could have found a better tag than “actually ______.”
I was rereading chapters from this book when this passage got my attention - specifically the part about the emotional impact of being told that you’re unable to provide care for another person or animal.
I am a young woman in my 20s with ADHD and Generalized Anxiety.
On the good days, I make fun of my failure to keep a succulent alive in a terrarium. (Seriously, I thought the things were supposed be kill-proof. Apparently not. Whoops.)
On the bad days and even on the average ones, I can be plagued with doubts and negative self-talk. I wonder how I could ever possibly have & look after a child when I’m still fighting an uphill - and often losing - battle to submit the refill requests for my prescriptions in time to get the new ones before the old ones run out. To keep my personal paperwork in some form of a filing system rather than a stack that slowly grows until the next time I get around to a purge of accumulated, no-longer-needed stuff. To vacuum and dust and even to brush & floss my teeth twice a day.
On those days, I have to stop and remind myself:
Progress is not linear. Progress is up, down, sideways, diagonally; backflips, cartwheels, and belly flops. Those belly flops hurt.
If something isn’t working - it’s not working. Try something else. Be the Edison of your ADHD and find the 1000 ways that don’t work for you.
But whatever the hell else you do when you cartwheel into a belly flop -
And because I’m me and I agonize/ruminate over things I’ve said and whether I could have said them better, I want to add one crucial piece I feel like I missed in my original post.
Self-compassion.
Part of the progress I’m talking about is learning and accepting that we don’t have to try so hard all the time. That we shouldn’t measure ourselves against non-ADHD standards for success and achievements.
A lot of the time, we are the fish or the penguin or the elephant that’s just been told to climb a tree. And that our worth as human beings is dependent on our ability to climb that tree.
It’s not. Our worth as human beings is not conditional on anything. It just is.
It’s okay to not be their version of “perfect”. And it’s okay to be okay with that.
This way - when we choose to work on improving our punctuality, or not procrastinating, or any of our other struggles - we’re doing it for the right reason:
Ourselves. Our own happiness and well-being.
Not because of what or how the world has told us we “should” be.
I was rereading chapters from this book when this passage got my attention - specifically the part about the emotional impact of being told that you’re unable to provide care for another person or animal.
I am a young woman in my 20s with ADHD and Generalized Anxiety.
On the good days, I make fun of my failure to keep a succulent alive in a terrarium. (Seriously, I thought the things were supposed be kill-proof. Apparently not. Whoops.)
On the bad days and even on the average ones, I can be plagued with doubts and negative self-talk. I wonder how I could ever possibly have & look after a child when I’m still fighting an uphill - and often losing - battle to submit the refill requests for my prescriptions in time to get the new ones before the old ones run out. To keep my personal paperwork in some form of a filing system rather than a stack that slowly grows until the next time I get around to a purge of accumulated, no-longer-needed stuff. To vacuum and dust and even to brush & floss my teeth twice a day.
On those days, I have to stop and remind myself:
Progress is not linear. Progress is up, down, sideways, diagonally; backflips, cartwheels, and belly flops. Those belly flops hurt.
If something isn’t working - it’s not working. Try something else. Be the Edison of your ADHD and find the 1000 ways that don’t work for you.
But whatever the hell else you do when you cartwheel into a belly flop -
Is ADHD one of the results of human development, economic success, and freedom? Is it essentially the result of ever-increasing lifespans that pressure and strain our capacity to engage in “long-term planning” and “delayed gratification”? Of overly-complex societies where ones’ worth as a member of the society is based, not on one’s ability to work to live, but rather ones’ ability to live to work? Is what we know and refer to as ADHD merely the percentage of our population whose brains/biology struggle the most with amount of choices, decisions, and information that we’re being asked to process on a daily basis?
In an attempt to avoid any hurt feelings or misunderstandings
ADHD is real. Your struggles and feelings are real. The intention of this post is not to devalue or trivialize or question that.
As a community, we typically talk about ADHD within the frameworks of psychology, psychiatry, and neuroscience - frameworks that focus on human biology and experience on the individual-level.
This is me thinking out loud about my own lived experience with ADHD and how it could be understood through frameworks that focus on culture and our experience as societies and as a species.
Is ADHD one of the results of human development, economic success, and freedom? Is it essentially the result of ever-increasing lifespans that pressure and strain our capacity to engage in “long-term planning” and “delayed gratification”? Of overly-complex societies where ones’ worth as a member of the society is based, not on one’s ability to work to live, but rather ones’ ability to live to work? Is what we know and refer to as ADHD merely the percentage of our population whose brains/biology struggle the most with amount of choices, decisions, and information that we’re being asked to process on a daily basis?
The decision to go to psychotherapy can be terrifying - especially if it’s your first time and you’ve only ever seen/read about therapy in movies or books.
Here’s 5 things you should know.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychotherapist, counselor, or medical professional. The following advice is shared from the perspective/background of a peer; as someone who has been in therapy on-and-off since I was 15. None of the following advice should be taken in lieu of advice by the actual aforementioned professionals.
1. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to ask for it.
2. Psychotherapy is like physiotherapy - at times (especially in the beginning) it will leave you feeling exhausted, drained, and raw. But it will help you become a stronger, healthier person.
3. Healing is a process. Improving your mental health is a process. That process is not always linear.
4. Your therapist is your therapist - not a best friend, family member, or someone to have a romantic and/or physical relationship with.
This can be tough to keep straight in our heads because therapy requires a certain amount of emotional availability and vulnerability that we don’t typically allow outside of those types of relationships. If you have questions or concerns about that - bring that up with them during your next/first session.
5. Your life and your health are your responsibility, no one else’s.
I understand if you’re exhausted, if all you want to just hand your problems and pain over to someone else to deal with. If even the idea of trying to actually swim is overwhelming when it feels like it’s taking all of your energy and strength to keep your head above water.
But the thing about treading water? It only delays the inevitable. Eventually, you will have to decide - are you going to sink? Or are you going to learn to swim?
