Life with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Inspired by:Â http://onbeingmental.tumblr.com/post/42801506786/what-is-life-like-with-did
Life with Dissociative Identity Disorder:
Internal Voices: Sometimes, alters can talk to you through emotions and images. Sometimes, they sound like loud thoughts. Sometimes, they have their own voice, complete with accent and tone, and you can listen to them and ignore them just like you can any outside person. Sometimes, two of them will be talking to each other, and you just sit there and listen. Other times, it’s distracting. You can interrupt each other or not be able to properly hear. Sometimes, you really can’t hear right, and then you may only pick up on certain words or the general idea. At other times, you can’t hear what they’re saying internally. You only know what they’re communicating through the body, if they even bother with that. Sometimes, it’s hard to know whether you personally are just thinking or talking internally. If you’re host, you may be in the habit of mentally projecting or shouting everything, whether you know it or not. This takes away a lot of your privacy.
Dissociation: Fun DID fact; the dissociation is almost always there to a certain degree. Even if you’re alone in the body, the most random of words can set off the dissociation. Emotions either never get too strong or never make any sense. You feel distanced from your body and, if you ever try to examine life, it all stops feeling real. If you’re co-conscious with someone else, the world seems distanced and strange. You may not have any sense of identity when someone else is in control. You can feel completely blank, watching them reacting to the world. It’s like getting absorbed into the movie; you’re too busy watching the actors to think too much. You can’t hear what they’re thinking, and if they’re not talking, your head is just blank.
Triggers: When you have DID, you just never know how triggers will affect you. Sometimes, the most common of words, a change in tone, a slight touch, or a whiff of cologne will set you off. It depends on which alter is closest; some of them can handle much more than others can. Your reactions vary, as well. Some alters will retreat. Other times, a trigger will cause one of them to switch out or come close to front. You yourself may experience strong panic or anger. On the other hand, you may feel completely emotionless and drained. Maybe the world will grow distant and fuzzy, but everything may seem too sharp and focused. You can be torn between hiding somewhere safe and triggering yourself further, triggering yourself as much as possible, in order to knock the dissociation away and regain a sense of self. Sometimes, it won’t take effect until time has passed and you’re somewhere where it’s okay to break down, but this can just make everything more confusing and can make the eventual reaction stronger.
Memory: DID can destroy your memory. Some people lose time when their alters front. No matter how great the need, they just can’t remember what happened when they weren’t there. Others lose the memory of their alters’ activities even if they were originally there to see what happened. Even your personal memories can be stolen by a powerful alter or split away in order to protect you or to keep information from reaching the front. You may find yourself remembering random small things but nothing important; you may have the mental outline of what happened but no details or actual memory. You may remember things in snap shots instead of movie clips, and you may remember things in third person or without emotion, sound, or sensation. Dissociation destroys your sense of time.
Co-conscious: Often, people with DID can or learn to be present when their alters are there. The amount of control they maintain can vary. Sometimes, you’re just watching your body move. You can’t stop yourself from saying things or reacting. You don’t know what you will do next or who is currently in charge of your body. Other times, you can talk with the alter in control, or you can be in control and they can be talking to you. Sometimes, you can both be close enough that while you can still feel slightly in control, the alter’s perception of the world leeks through. You may feel their emotional state or physical sensations that disappear when they leave. You may gain their knowledge and suddenly increase in ability. Sometimes, if you’re very close, you can hear their thought process.
Life Direction: Decision making can be hard. As host, you may want one thing and work hard for one thing, but an alter can make that ideal much harder to reach just by coming out for the shortest amount of time. You may need to do work, but an alter may goof off for hours without you being able to stop them. They may want something different than you do and actively work to sabotage you. They may disagree with your sense of style or taste in music. They may try to hang out with people you don’t care to know or eat food you hate. You may find yourself unable to complete something or relate to someone without an alter’s help… an alter who can’t always be there when you need them. Most frightening, they may have different morals. They may look at p*rnography that makes you feel ill, or they may not see a problem with hurting other people.
Doubting Your Perceptions: With so much doubt about DID’s validity, it can be hard to get validation from some friends and family members, and it’s near impossible to have memories of trauma confirmed by those involved; after all, you had to repress the memories for a reason.You may begin to feel insane, like you made all of the memories up. The derealization doesn’t help! Some alters may get mad at you for denying them, but others may exist solely to deepen denial and prevent you from accepting the past. The trauma itself can seem severe beyond reason. You may feel insane because of the alters or memories. Anything can fuel this denial.
Feeling Like a Fake: You don’t black out? Faking it.  You do black out? It’s organic, not DID. You can’t function? Attention seeking faker. You can function? Lying faker. You have too many alters? Faking. Not enough? Faking. Animal alters? Fake. Angry alters? Dangerous fake. Friendly alters? Roleplayer. Your alters have different physical or mental disabilities? That’s impossible; you’re faking it. Your body doesn’t change with each alter? Fake. Others believe you? You fooled them. No one believes you? Fake. A diagnosis? Scam. You have proof of your past? Doesn’t mean you have DID. No proof? Sick fake. You have DID? Fake.
Sense of Self: How can you ever know who you really are when “you” can seemingly change at a drop of the hat? Alters like different foods than you do. They listen to different music and wear different clothes. Some of them excel at logic puzzles, but you like to paint. You hate math, but one of them is a math genius. People can accurately call you a Republican and a Democrat. You can go from a church girl to a party girl to an angry mother-f*cker to a terrified toddler. At times, “you” claim different names, ages, and genders. Depending on the alter near, you can find yourself attracted to boys, girls, or everything in between. You contain other people. Are you just a gateway for them?
PTSD: As DID is caused by trauma, it tends to come with PTSD. You find yourself triggered by things that you can’t even remember. You’re constantly in fear or constantly angry. Your startle reflex is extreme. You hate being touched. Maybe you can’t become aroused unless you feel violated. Maybe sex terrifies you, but maybe you’re promiscuous and love risky sex. On some level, you can’t trust anyone. You’re jealous of any close relationships and of anyone who lived a happy life and got a happy ending. At the same time, you don’t feel worthy of your own happy ending. You feel like a drain on society. You feel toxic, like you hurt everyone you care about. You sabotage your own success, but at the same time, you may work as hard as possible to help everyone or to excel at something so that you have worth. You hate your body. You live in fear of hurting others because of the anger or cycle of abuse. You live in fear of what your alters may do. All of the symptoms mentioned may affect only certain alters. The symptoms may be spread out to match the memories. You feel a sense of loss at what you never really had. You feel like you were never innocent or pure. You look at your happy child alters and abused child alters, and you want to cry. You may hurt yourself just to feel real. You may hate yourself and want to escape your life in any way possible. You may have Depression, Anxiety, an Eating Disorder, or a Personality Disorder.
Like It or Not, This is Your Life. Therapy may help you, but it takes a long time. You may not be able to take time out of work, school, or your family to heal at the pace that you want. You may experience set backs at every step. The milestones may seem to grow farther and farther away. You may find new alters and new horrors awaiting you every time you feel done. You may wear out your support system, or you may wear out your hope. You may be unable to find a therapist to help you. You may be hospitalized. You may find yourself unable to even confide in others, forcing yourself to try and heal alone. You may want to give up. You may want your old life back, but no amount of ignoring the DID will make it go away.
You’re Never Alone. No matter who leaves you, you’re never alone. No matter how hopeless it seems, you always have someone rooting for you. No matter how angry or broken your alters seem, they were created for you. In some way, your alters are always protecting you. They were created during the darkest days of your life so that you could still see the light without going blind. They took your place so that you could retain a sense of happiness and safety. They hold the feelings that you never could. They do the things that you would never be brave enough to do. They’re there to protect you. In their own way, each and every one of them is doing everything that they can to help you.
Every Night Must Break For Dawn. Sometimes, DID can not only be a good thing, but feel like a good thing, as well. No matter how terrible a disorder it is, you will get much needed breaks from the stress. It can be useful to have an alter ace a test for you. It can be wonderful to watch littles enjoying childhood in a way that you never could. It can fun to watch alters interacting with their friends in a way that you can’t. You have strengths that you never even dreamed of. You have friends right there in your head! If you hate something, someone else can do it for you. If you need to relax, someone else can handle things for a while. You may find that some of your alters have a great sense of humor. Maybe they’re really friendly. Maybe they can teach you things or help you to look at life in a new way.
You’re Not Alone in This. DID is a rare disorder, but many people do suffer from it. Others with DID can offer you advice or share their experiences. Even the most difficult of alters may be more receptive to someone who was in the same place they are. It’s nice to meet someone who really understands what you’re going through, and it can show you that no, you’re not just insane. At least, not very!
This is life with DID. Integration can make it go away eventually, and cooperation can drastically improve what living with it is like, but this is what it’s like to have DID.
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