#aromantic issues

[hexxxcapades]

why is it that people treat aromanticism as a concrete and inflexible identity when they understand asexuality is a fluid/spectrum identity?

if you can wrap your head around asexuals who have sex without having sexual attraction, why can't you wrap your head around aromantics who have relationships without romantic attraction? you might say "well there's a microlabel for that! like aroflux or cupioromantic!" which is all well and fine....except those microlabels still fall under the aromantic spectrum. THEY ARE STILL AROMANTIC.

it seems to me that the same reason why people don't seem to view aromanticism as a fluid identity is the reason why people don't view asexuality as anything BUT a fluid identity, never acknowledging the asexuals who are sex-averse or repulsed in favor of always talking about those who DO have or like sex.

It's because even when talking about aroaces, you still can't help but center alloamatonormativity. you can't or won't recognize the nuances of aroace identities because you only care about the identities that can still somehow fit into your alloamatonormative world, and even just the word "aromantic" seems antithetical to that.

[theenbyroiderer]

Can I talk about aphobia for a bit? Because I wanna. Because it's not included in IDAHOBIT, and frankly I think it needs to be talked about more.

Aphobia exists as an insidious but ignored undercurrent. It often takes less visible forms than homo-, bi- and transphobia. Less overt. You seldom hear about people beaten up in the street because they are aro or ace. Instead the violence tends to happen behind locked doors and come from intimate partners.

You don't hear much about aro and ace people at all to be honest. Because of erasure. When someone does open up about being asexual, the reactions are usually full of ridicule and invalidation. But the majority of people don't even know what asexual or aromantic means. Sex ed classes don't mention the possibility of people being ace or aro. Aspec people grow up thinking that something is wrong with them because they have never heard that you can lack attraction.

And if they seek out a professional and ask if something is wrong with them, they are likely to be told that there is. Because even medical professionals don't know what asexuality and aromanticism are about and often see a lack of attraction as a symptom. An aspec person is also more likely than most to fall victim to conversion therapy.

The worst thing isn't pathologization/medicalization though. Not in my opinion at least. I think the worst is when ace and aro people are viewed as less human. Romantic love and sexual attraction are often seen as universal human experiences. Aspec people are compared to robots, aliens, animals... And that's a very slippery slope. That's the sort of thinking that leads people to ascribe less value to an aro or ace person's life. The sort of thinking that might make an aspec person ascribe less value to their own life.

And then, when we turn to other marginalized sexualities, hoping for understanding and solidarity, we all too often hear that we are not welcome, that we face no real oppression or discrimination.

[aethereally-hex]

shoutout to people with trauma and/or people who are aspec who don't like saying the word "love" ♡

[garlicbreadish]

saying i'm aroace knowing damn well i have hardcore attachment issues to anyone i talk to💔💔💔

[rave-qai]

I am watching HeyRowanElis’ video “The ‘unbearable loneliness’ of aromanticism” and she quoted something from “Romantic Love is Killing us” by Caleb Luna— “It’s difficult to see it as anything other than a choice. To put it another way: those around me deprioritize our relationship for the sake of prioritizing their romantic and sexual one.” And it just has me really thinking.

Firstly in that amatonormatism is just so wide spread and expected of others. When I assumed I was alloromantic, and saw other alloromantic get into relationships, there was this pressure that you Had to prioritize your romantic relationship over every other relationship in your life EVER. All of your friends, all of your family, your children, co-workers, every single person in your life (oftentimes including yourself) MUST take a back seat to your romantic and sexual partner. And it’s ridiculous because I am also sure that most people don’t actually want that.

When I was in my toxic relationship, I was essentially expected to stop talking to all of my friends. Most of that was just due to the controlling nature of my ex but it was also the expectation from everyone else in my life too. People who weren’t negatively effect by the harmful nature of that relationship distanced, people who didn’t even know what he did to me and didn’t experience my negative outlash from being in that position still left and distanced. Everyone assumes you’re prioritizing them now and they react accordingly. I hated this, and so did many of my friends. But it was just the assumption.

I’m loosing track of my thoughts but my other thought is just that— it’s so expected yet literally no one I know actually wants that. So many people have expressed to me sadness and anger and lonliness when their other important friends got in a relationship and stopped talking to them, I’ve felt and seen other people experience the pain of the pressure to have to stop being as close to their friends as they once were— stop talking, stop engaging, no more touching ever, no more sleeping over, no more intimate private conversations. You seemingly have to forfeit the depth of love for everyone else you have.

I have also had potential partners + people I’ve engaged in more-than-platonic behavior with get visibly weirded out when I prioritize my relationship with my friends. They see it as weird when I tell them there are things I will only tell and do with my friends, that I will never tell them. They get weird when I prioritize my friends over them. They get weird when they see that romance isn’t my priority. This goes even with relationships that it’s been made clear it’s only sexual/platonic but engaging in more actions that are seen as romantic.

Idk. Being aromantic is weird. And it sucks sometimes.

[paladinofmidnight]

I'm aroace. Always have been, always will be. And you know what ticks me off the most about it? It's the sentiment from allo people, that tell aces/aros/aroaces that the love they feel "must be platonic!" Or that if the have sex or date they aren't a real ace/aro/aroace.

This is wrong. It is wrong now, it was wrong then, and it will always b wrong.

Aros are defined as people without any romantic ATTRACTION. They can date, fall in love, or maybe they never will, and they find happiness in that.

Aces are defined as people without any sexual ATTRACTION. They can fuck, fuck around, make dirty jokes, or maybe they never have sex, or are uncomfortable with even the idea being brought up.

Ik this, because I'm aroace, and I'm in a poly relationship. I love my two partners, my boyfriend AND my girlfriend, but you wanna know what? I was never romantically or sexually attracted to them. I, oh so simply, just fell in love with them. I trust them completely, and I love them more than myself.

If I was not in love with them, I would not be in a relationship with them. It's as simple as that. I am not allo, I find no meaning in pretending to be attracted to someone. I've dated before, although it was more from societal pressures than any feelings, and that is why I'm so certain.

I never got a crush phase, never got the butterflies in my stomach or the fantasys about someone I was not close too.

Many aros/aces/aroaces will probably never want or find such relationships with a person. And that's okay, but it does not mean all are like that. People under the A-umbrella are 1000% valid, regardless of their wants/needs to have or not to have a relationship.

The Acespectum is always one of the hardest things to figure out if you are, because it is impossible to teach what the absence of something feels like. So, if you think you are, take it slow. Figure it out at your own pace, and don't be afraid of someone else's anger that you may not fit what they think you should be. In the end it's your choice, your wants, your needs, and your life.

[voice-of-the-tower]

Speaking as someone who’s on the asexual and aromantic spectrum, the current state of ace and aro representation in media is abysmal. When was the last time you saw an ace and/or aro character (in either media or in popular headcanon) who wasn’t at least one of the following:

Unattractive or otherwise undesirable for romance or sex in either the eyes of the creators or the audience

Aloof, cold, detached, if not outright villainous in terms of personality

Some form of intellectual who only cares about their work

An asshole to at least some degree beyond most if not all the other characters

Implied if not outright stated to have something wrong with them, such as being traumatized about sex or romance or having some sort of disorder that prevents them from interacting with people in a “normal” way. Asexuality and aromanticism are not symptoms of trauma or having bad mental health any more than any other form of queerness. I am not broken, this is who I am. 

Disabled. I can go on and on about how the sexualities and romantic desires of disabled people are denied and stigmatized, but I’m not going to do that full rant here. Yes disabled asexual and aromantic people exist, but it really feels like a lot of writers (and headcanoning fans) find the thought of disabled people being in love or having sex disgusting, so they just make any disabled characters ace and/or aro so they don’t have to confront that reality.

Literally inhuman. I hate the tropes of using inhuman things to represent minorities, it just makes minorities feel dehumanized and any message you might have about treating minorities with respect will absolutely be ignored by bigots. I’m not an alien, robot, fey or something else. I am human, start treating me like one.

When all this is your only rep, which is already incredibly scarce, is there any wonder why asexuality and aromanticism is so stigmatized virtually everywhere?

[shiutsu]

How I see someone from the majority complaining about a minority group criticizing them for forcing their npc lifestyle on them or questioning their different lives, in the style of "There are people who choose to do this thing, instead of not doing so!" as if they weren't the fucking majority & just want to play the victim instead:

Fun fact; the antinatalist sub for some reason didn't like this meme & called it hate speech.. Like bitch, you share npcs' beyond ridiculous bullshit, but I can't make fun of their absurdity? Lmao okay.