- the teenagers pretending to be those alcoholic older male family members "well, brother-in-law, pour some more!", "ahh, it burns!". Yelena joined in only because she was actually drunk.
- Sam "Oh, come on, eat some more, the leftovers will last till Easter!" Wilson.
- Ned, building Lego's at the table.
- Somebody tossing a basketball. Nobody knows who it is, or where it came from.
- Drunk Tony singing Christmas carols in perfect pitch. He's tone death when sober.
- Nat, MJ and Pepper as gossipy wine aunts.
- Clint yelling at the kids because he keeps losing at mario kart.
- Steve is on the chandelier. Don't ask why.
- Peter reconsidering his life choices, but then Yelena and Kate get him to fix the broken outlet. Yelena does it in Polish "Dawaj szwagier!". He gets shocked three times but manages to do it and everybody cheers when they put Christmas lights into it. They don't even light up. Peter does though.
- Everybody is drunk because someone *drunk Bucky Barnes* spiked e v e r y b o d i e s drinks. Only the kids were exceptions.
- Bruce as Santa. Tony keeps flirting with him.
- Little Nate and Morgan giving everybody their presents. "Auntie Nat, why is dad fist-fighting uncle Steve?" "He wants to be a clown when he grows up, don't worry, sweetie."
- Peter hissing at the tree, because goddamnit Spiders hate peppermint.
- Clint thinks it's funny and throws some into his drink.
- That's why Clint ends up webbed to the ceiling, with Kate, Lila and Cooper throwing food at him.
Just- the Avengers Christmas as a crack fic. I need this.
hi!! adore your work love. could you maybe do smth where stark!reader has to get her wisdom teeth out but HATES the dentist so she brings her boyf peter and her dad w her?? and then when they get home the avengers are all waiting with like comical amounts of flowers and stuffed animals and then reader says some funny shiii and thor thinks she’s like dying lol. idk if that made sense but i’m getting my wisdom teeth out soon and i’m scared😭 thank u so so much love u babe
pairing: peter parker x stark!reader
a/n: tysm lovely :,) i rushed through this like my life depended on it, but i hope i’m not too late. either way, i hope you’re okay! it’s frightening but those bad boys gotta go because we don’t need that kind of energy in our lives. enjoy x
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
wisdom teeth? more like wisdoom
y/n has to get her wisdom teeth removed and it’s the singular most dreadful thing she’s ever had to do, which says a lot because her dad is tony richling stark
doing dreadful things she doesn’t want to do but still somehow end up doing just because she can is a personality trait at this point
no one really makes a big deal out of it since ~death~ is part of their job description, but y/n is terrified
and when a stark is terrified the only thing that will keep them one step from insanity is researching the hell out of it
that information will be info dumped into every conversation for the next few weeks leading up to the appointment
“y/n you need anything from the store?” "no thanks, did you know the side effects of getting your wisdom teeth out include ✨sudden death or blood clots✨ tho” “……..i have a coupon?”
the day of the appointment, peter comes along and literally doesn’t let go of y/n’s hand. he keeps touching her to let her know that he’s there and it’s so. adorable
he would rest his hand on her knee, gently stroke her back while holding her, or just play with her hair
happy drops them off and he’s too Cool™ for emotions but he knows y/n’s a wreck, so he just fist bumps her with a single nod and she almost breaks down bc it’s really affectionate
y/n is sitting in the dentist chair and genuinely nothing is happening yet, but she’s squeezing peter’s hand like it’s a sponge
peter might have a high pain tolerance but he’s in pain pain and he prays that his hand won’t just explode on him
the dentist notices how peter tries to keep it together and chuckles
“you okay there, son?” “yea it’s fine, had a better time when a building fell on me tho haha” “pardon?” “oh i mean i didn’t have a good time, i just had a better time”
because y/n is running Anxious Town™, the dentist gives her a sedative to help her relax
plus, an injection of local anaesthetic to numb the tooth and surrounding area
she doesn’t feel anything and it’s GREAT
the procedure is quicker than expected and now the real fun begins
she tries to walk but she falls down so peter scoops her up bridal style and happy stays glued at her side
y/n doesn’t mind although she literally doesn’t recognise them and they’re practically strangers to her
but girly sees an opportunity and tries to flirt with peter bc why wouldn’t she
“you’re pretty” *blushes* “why thanks” “you should let your girlfriend know” “i should let her know i’m pretty?” “so you do have a gf? :(” “yea it’s you” “:)”
they stop for gas and peter goes in to get some water for y/n, and in her infinite wisdom, she decides it’s burger time
her mouth is completely numb and she’s practically leaving a trail of drool behind her, but she’d kill for a burger right now
so she wobbles around aimlessly for an hour on some random parking lot as if the ground might just magically open up like a rabbit hole and lead her to five guys
she’s going places. not back to the car. definitely not five guys. they’re closed. but places
peter finally finds her and he’s drenched from head to toe in sweat. he doEsn’T wAnt tO tALk abOut iT tho so she lets him take her to subway instead
normally, she would know that peter’s usual subway order is bread-lettuce-jalapeño
but in her drugged-up state, it had simply slipped her mind so now she’s staring at him like he’d just murdered someone right in front of her
“that- that’s your order?? no meat or anything just bread, lettuce, and a little spice?”
meanwhile at the compound, sam and steve are ordering everyone around bc they want to decorate this place before y/n gets home to surprise her
they take it very seriously too. they’ve watched like one HGTV show and said it’s our time
they finally get home and tony gives y/n a big hug, asking her what took so long
happy tells him that she was keen on getting burgers bc apparently someone has taught her that stressful times call for ~cheeseburgers~
he proceeds to look at tony with a pointed look
tony just shrugs and goes “she was a problem child. we don’t mention her dark past”
she’s swaying on the spot and keeps grinning like a fool and thor just stares at her weirdly before elbowing bruce and whispering loudly,
“what’s wrong with her? is she dying? should i start collecting leaves, i know this remedy—"
no one can tell if y/n is just happy to see the newly decorated home or if she’s just delighted to see everyone but then she goes around hugging the entire team
she doesn’t even acknowledge the sky-high pile of teddy bears and flowers everywhere bc she’s just squeezing everybody
y/n is so high, she just starts to spill all of her feelings about everyone and they’re already so overwhelmed by the hug chain they can’t take this too
“wanda i just want you to know that you’re like my big sister and you’re always taking care of me and i know you and vision are just going to make such good parents one day”
“bucky you absolute PRICK, you FIEND, you’re the best chess player ever and that’ll never change and i wouldn’t be good without you, i hate to say it but you deserve happiness even after you made me lose five times in a row yesterday”
“dad, you’re so strong and smart, even though we’re like never on the same page, you’re always along for the ride, i want to be like you when i grow up, i swear i’m gonna try to be as good to the avengers as you were to us” “aww- wait makes you think i'll be the first to die“
“nat you’re such a bitch about your protein shakes but you’re my best friend and i wouldn’t have it any other way, you can try out as many make up looks on me as you want”
“bruce, brucey, i would live with you in your lab for the rest of my days if i had to, whenever you ask me to hand you stuff i feel useful and important”
“laura’s way out of your league clint i have no idea how the fuck you got her but don’t lose her and i want to be your next child’s godmother”
“steve…we’re your family now. we’re always gonna be your family now. okay?”
“loki you’re not fooling anyone with your attitude, we all know you’re part of the family, you were just misunderstood and messed up bc of your dad–FUCK him by the way–but i realised everyone deserves as many chances as they need because of you”
“sam i would genuinely kill anyone who wronged you, even if they cut you in line at the grocery store, i would knife them no hesitation”
“thor, you poor golden retriever have been through so much, on my way here i made a wish on an eyelash for you bc you deserve better, your postcards always make my day, love you”
she mumbles something to peter that no one else can hear but he blushes and chokes back a sob
y/n orders hot soup and bucky brings it to her but before he even has time to react peter drops everything and ZOOMS across the room in .3 seconds
he barrels into bucky so hard they both go flying, but peter just smoothly rolls out of it and onto his feet like some kind of super ninja
“DUDE WHAT THE HELL” “😠 y/n is not supposed to drink hot liquids 😠”
all of this happens in mere seconds but sam has filmed it all and now slow mo clips go viral online of some mysterious kid knocking over the winter soldier
y/n’s a little in and out after that, but when she fully regains consciousness, she’s on a pile of blankets, surrounded by the team on the floor <3
* * *
let me know if this is actually comforting lmao stay hydrated pals
pairings: bucky barnes x reader, platonic!sam wilson x reader, platonic!!natasha romanoff x reader, platonic!steve rogers x reader, platonic!sam wilson x bucky barnes
warnings: cursing, i think that’s all?? this is a crackfic lol
about: based off friends, bucky doesn’t share food.
god, you hated when sam was right.
you despised how he would shove it in your face for two weeks and parade around the compound like he just won the fucking lottery or something.
but he was right, and you didn’t care enough to pretend like he wasn’t; so you sat on the couch, blowing out a short breath as you glared at the door, acting like you weren’t staring a piece of whatever-the-hell-it-was-that-tony-made-his-doors-out-of down. the television was on in front of you, playing a stupid reality show that you watched when you didn’t feel like thinking, and you didn’t bother trying to feign any interest in it, choosing instead to huff and puff on the couch like a child.
sam was watching you from the kitchen with steve, shaking his head with a disgusted look. you barely acknowledged him when he threw himself over the couch to sit next to you. “he’s so old, y/n, stop moping, as much as i love being right, it isn’t as enjoyable when you’re just sitting here like a sack of potatoes, continuously proving my point.”
you ignored him, hmphing when steve came over behind you, “why don’t you just tell him? i told you he likes you back.”
“beth,” sam corrected, and you waved him off, settling yourself in front of the television but looking at the door.
you frowned at him, peeling your line of sight off of the door and on steve’s face, “what are you, six? do you want me to leave him a note in his room telling him i ‘like him?’” you mocked, knowing he was right but being too stubborn to accept it, “besides, if he actually had feelings for me, would he be going out on a date with joana?”
sam shrugs, “steve doesn’t go on dates.”
“he doesn’t know you have feelings for him because, you know, you haven’t told him,” sam reminded, and you scowled at him.
“have i not been obvious? every time he goes on a date, i sit on this damn couch until he gets back so he can complain about his date to me. do you do that for steve, sam? do you?”
you groan, and disregard how steve makes an offended noise and begins to argue with sam from behind you.
you hear the footsteps of a certain super soldier on the pavement outside and smack sam’s arm, thrashing your arms in an attempt to shut the men around you up, instead slapping steve’s jaw.
“y/n!-”
“shh!” you shush, pushing him away, “go do something in the kitchen, if you’re just standing there, it’ll look suspicious.”
“i’m always standing here-”
“oh, i love the early seasons,” sam responded, and you nodded, “i know, so act like it- shhh, he's coning-”
“go away!” you rush, faking the focus on what you realized was love island. you poked sam’s ribs, “this is one of the ones in the early seasons.”
“you were the one talking-”
“oh, hey buck! i didn’t realize i’ve been sitting here since you left for your date!”
sam shot you a look, which you pretended you didn’t see.
“your best friend is impossible! okay, so they’re sitting at the table, bucky just ordered fries and beth reached over to get like, two, and-”
natasha trailed behind bucky, an annoyed look on her face. “i can’t believe i took off a whole afternoon to drive you to your date and back here for you to be so childish!” she complained.
you raised an eyebrow, “what happened?”
you suck a breath in through your teeth, shaking your head, and natasha stares at you incredulously, bucky pointing at you and nodding madly, “you mean you know about the food thing?”
you look at her like she’s gone mad, “of course i do! bucky doesn’t share food- sam, don’t you remember the other day?” you ask, twisting your head to sam.
sam nods, “the other day, he was eating cheetos or something, he had the whole bag in his hand, and i reached over for one, one, because he was almost done with them, and he threw me off the couch! grumpy old shit.”
natasha scoffs, glancing at bucky, “but i’ve seen you share with y/n-”
you cut her off, “it’s a rookie mistake, happens to everyone,” you start, “i’m just sorry your date didn’t go well, buck,” you lie, and your finger jabs at sam’s side when he gives you a pointed look.
sam shakes his head at you both, “idiots,” he mumbles.
“i can’t believe this… ridiculous,” natasha mutters as she walks away to the kitchen, and bucky sighs sadly.
“yeah, me too,” he pauses for a second, then smiles, falling on the couch on the other side of you, “so what’re we watching, doll?”
-
bucky makes a displeased face at your words, “i know,” you say before he can respond, and he takes the remote control.
the next day, you’re sprawled on the couch again after sparring with steve, your muscles aching. you don’t find the energy in you to move when you hear bucky moving around in the kitchen, only greeting him when he sits down next to you. he’s holding a bowl of gummies, and you drop your head against his shoulder. “what happened to you?” he asks, holding out the container to you, and you gladly take some candy, murmuring a thank you.
“steve. he’s really ruthless today, i think sam’s jab at him about being a hundred year old virgin got to him after he heard pepper and tony’s activities this morning.”
“okay,” sam says slowly, watching as you take candy from the basin in bucky’s hands and shove it in your mouth without a word from bucky. he decides to take a chance, reaching for the food inside the small bowl, and getting pushed off of the couch.
you’re halfway through an icarly episode when sam comes by, sitting on bucky’s other side. “why are you guys watching icarly?” he asks, and bucky shrugs.
“i wanted to introduce bucky to the factors of my childhood. you know, before i got kidnapped and stuff,” you reply.
“what the hell! you just let y/n have some!”
you nod thoughtfully, putting a gummy worm inside your mouth.
“no i didn’t. she forced me. she’s ruthless,” bucky deadpans, and you nod from his side.
“bucky doesn’t share food,” you add.
bucky agrees, “i don’t share food, stop touching my food.”
