alive (jjk)
NOTE: I have lost access to my old account @joheun-saram. THIS IS A REPOST since I’m afraid that account will soon be deactivated.
Summary- Jungkook was the perfect boyfriend for two years, and then two months ago something changed. It was like a switch had been flipped and he’d gone from doting to distant. For the life of you, you could not figure out what happened, and you hated it
word count- 4.4k
pairing- nonidol!Jungkook x Reader (feat. Namjoon)
rating- R
genre- angst, smut
warnings- explicit smut (including fingering), unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it friends), sad sex, talks of depression and anxiety, talks of therapy, character death, car accident
a.n- This was written part of @btswriterscollective secret santa project and I’m so excited to reveal that I’m indeed @therealmintedmango‘s secret santa 🎅🏼I had such a great time getting to know you this month Mango and I really hope you enjoy all the angst in this fic! Happy holidays, love! 💕
new a.n- i hope you enjoy this re-edited version of this fic. i will be posting all my old fics weekly so in case tumblr decides to delete my old account i don’t lose them.
As always feedback appreciated. Send me an ask! 💌
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“Well if you can’t even talk to me, maybe we should just end this!” you screamed, your lungs aching as you looked at your boyfriend on the couch next to you, the room falling into a charged silence.
It had been the same fight for months. The same constant back and forth. You would try to broach the topic but he would close off. Every time. His expression was neutral as he looked at you, his doe eyes betraying his defeat as he sighed.
Jungkook was the perfect boyfriend for two years, and then two months ago something changed. It was like a switch had been flipped and he’d gone from doting to distant. For the life of you, you could not figure out what had happened, and you hated it. You hated how it seemed to bring all your insecurities to the surface and clawed at your emotions till they were raw. From the corner of your eye you saw Namjoon looking at you sadly - disappointed - before shaking his head and disappearing round the corner. You felt a tear roll down your cheek as you looked at your boyfriend, who just sat in silence at your outburst.
Jungkook had always been quiet, introverted, and this cloud of mystery was one of the things that made him so unbelievably attractive, but now it was the worst thing about him. You didn’t expect this fight to escalate, you didn’t expect these words to come out, but now that they were you wanted him to react. You needed him to react. Needed just anything more than the stoic expression marring his features.
“Maybe we should…” Jungkook spoke softly, after what seemed like hours. It wasn’t what you were expecting and it only caused your anger to flare. He was seriously going to just throw away everything?
You looked at him next to you and he seemed to have moved further away. You’re not sure if he actually did or your mind was playing tricks on you again, but the seat cushion between you seemed to stretch for miles, your boyfriend getting smaller in the horizon.
“You’re not even going to fight for us? You’re going to walk away?” You didn’t care that you were raising your voice, and that the one tear from earlier was now a flood cascading down your features. Maybe it was your fate. You never thought you deserved happiness and this was just another nail in your ever growing collection. You had spent your life chasing after that elusive ray of joy, only for you to get too comfortable when you reached it and it disappeared as soon as it appeared, throwing you into the darkness once again.
It figures that this happiness would vanish too. You wanted to reach out and shake Jungkook. Why did he have to change? Why did he have to do this to you?
“What did I do? What happened?” you asked, your voice small, as you looked at him staring at his hands in his lap. His long wavy hair fell into his eyes, and the longer he sat there in silence, the louder your heart crumbled. “Say something!” you exclaimed, followed by a quieter “Please…”
“What do you want me to say Y/N? You’re the one who wants to end us.” Jungkook finally looked at you, his lips pressed together as his tongue poked the inside of his cheek lightly. You’d seen this look before, but never directed at you. It was cold and made your skin pebble - made fresh tears stream down your face.
“Because you changed! Because you hate me!” you yelled indignified as he sighed once again. He lifted his head slightly as he looked at you, his eyes glassy.
“I don’t hate you,” he whispered quietly, the words floating in the tension in the air.
“Then why are you avoiding me? Why haven’t you said a full sentence to me these past two months?”
“Because…” He looked away again, staring straight ahead at the blank wall of his living room and you couldn’t help but move closer, wiping your eyes to see him clearer.
“No. You can’t do your stupid quiet guy shit right now! I need to know!” You pulled at his shoulder to make him look at you and as he did, his hand found yours, holding it gently. His eyes swam with the love you had come to expect from him but it was tinged with an overwhelming sadness, a sadness that drooped his features even though he tried to school them into a small smile for your sake.
“It’s not your fault, okay?” He was still whispering, his hand squeezing yours as the other fidgeted with the untied string of his sweatpants.
“What’s not my fault? Please Kook. Please talk to me.” You removed your hand from his and cupped his face in both of yours, needing more, needing anything to help clear the haze in your head.
“I can’t.” His voice louder, he pulled your hands away from his face as he stood up and you grabbed at his legs to stop him, desperate for a real reason.
“Why not?!”
“Because you’ve never loved me and I had to find out when you were drunk!” Jungkook yelled. He never yelled, not at you anyway, but it’s not his volume that stunned you, it was the words echoing through the small studio apartment. Words that made you freeze, dropping your hands from him as you felt the breath knocked out of your lungs.
“What?”
“That night after the club. While I was taking care of you. Me!” He pointed at his chest, his eyes ablaze as he continued. “Making sure that you didn’t get puke on your hair or fall or get hurt, you looked at me and do you know what you asked me?”
His shoulders fell as he quietened once again, sighing and running his hands through his hair. His face distorted into one of heartbreak as he said the next words, his tone even and calm. “‘Why don’t I love you as much as him?’ And here I was like an idiot believing you every time you said you loved me”
You stood at his words. That wasn’t true. It wasn’t true. You remembered that night. Not most of it but you know yourself enough to know you would never say that to him, not after he had worked so hard to put you back together again. Jungkook wasn’t your soulmate, you didn’t believe in those anymore, but Jungkook was your rock, your best friend. He was there when you couldn’t get out of bed for days. He was there when you didn’t know how to stop crying. He was always there. And you loved him.
“I do love you. Jungkook, please!” You grabbed his hands, holding them tightly as if he would disappear too. You looked at him desperately, trying to convey your feelings through your gaze, but all you found in him was defeat.
“I just can’t do this anymore. You’re right. I can’t compete with a ghost… not anymore.”
He sighed again as his lip quivered. It stuttered your breath and you felt your chest tighten. You couldn’t lose him too, not after Namjoon. As you felt the panic rising, the drunk haze of two months ago came into focus, spiking your adrenaline and paling your face.
You were dancing to the loud EDM pulsing through the club as neon lights flashed across your skin, setting your white dress aglow. Jungkook was pressed against your back and his lips ghosted the skin of your neck, his hands grazing your hips as he pulled you ever so close. You hadn’t felt this content in years, the tequila warming your veins in a sweet comfort as your boyfriend’s hips moved against yours, your arms around his neck, fingers playing with his hair.
You missed this. Missed going dancing and drinking because it was fun and not because you were trying to forget. Surrounded by your friends, you smiled as you opened your eyes, finally happy.
Until you saw him and your heart dropped, making you freeze.
Namjoon smiled at you from the bar, the sweet dimpled smile that creased his eyes into crescents, as he waved. How was he here? How was he back?
You felt your heart kickstart as you pushed Jungkook off you and raced to the bar. You’d apologize to him later, but you needed Namjoon right now. Needed to feel him in your arms, needed to smell his calming scent, and so like an addict you raced through the club looking for one more hit. When you reached the bar, he wasn’t there anymore and the sheer weight of disappointment made you sob. You felt a pair of strong arms surround you and the familiar smell of bergamot and vanilla encased your senses, pulling you closer into a firm chest.
“Baby what’s wrong?” A soft voice asked as you looked at Jungkook’s worry-filled eyes. You hated that you were doing this again. It had been almost a year since this happened, and your mind felt numb as you grasped Jungkook’s black shirt.
“He was here! Kook he was here!” you exclaimed, your loud voice carrying over the music. You were sure you looked deranged, mascara running down your cheeks, lipstick smeared where your lips had met Jungkook’s shirt, as you desperately clinged to him. He looked at you sadly before pulling you into his chest once again and holding you tight, his fingers running soothingly on your scalp.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry.”
He repeated that phrase as he stroked your back, trying to calm you down as you continued sobbing and onlookers peered at the two of you curiously.
The memory of the night jolted you as you grabbed onto Jungkook’s shirt the same way you did at the club, looking at him pleadingly. His face blurred behind your tears as you tried to unscramble your memories to explain.
“I was with him for five years and he fucking died!”
There was no volume behind your words, only the distraught behind the truth you felt you were never ready to face. You weakly punched at Jungkook’s chest trying to make him understand your agony. But you didn’t need to try, he already knew; had lived through it.
“Yeah Namjoon died! But I’m here! I’m alive!” His voice was broken as the tears finally escaped his eyes. He grabbed your hand from where it was knocking against his chest and held it there. “You feel this? That’s my heart racing for you! How it always does! Because I love you.”
“Kook-”
Before you could say anything else, he grabbed your face and crashed your lips together desperately, wanting you to feel just an ounce of what he felt for you. Your sinuses full of tears, your lungs burned as you pulled him closer. You wanted him to consume you, make you forget again. But as you tasted the salt of his tears, the overwhelming guilt broke you more. He didn’t let go though, his fingers moving from your face to your waist, digging in hard enough to leave bruises.
Three years ago you had never thought you would love someone again. You didn’t deserve to. Not when it was your fault you could never see Namjoon’s face again. Your fault that the world would never know what difference he would have made to it. But when you stood outside the funeral his parents had banned you from attending, arm in a cast and stitches on your forehead, caving into yourself from grief, Jungkook had found you. Had held you tight enough to stop you from breaking and told you it wasn’t your fault, that there was no way to have known that the 14 wheeler would run a red. He reminded you everyday till you believed him, till your dreams no longer weaved your memories into nightmares, till you no longer saw Namjoon everywhere you looked. Till you felt worthy to love Jungkook back.
When the air in your lung ran out, you pulled away, but Jungkook pulled you closer, trailing his lips from your jaw to down your neck. He kissed you with fervour, nibbling the skin and soothing it with his tongue till you were nothing but a moaning mess. You gripped his hair and pulled him back to your lips, and like always, he obliged, his tongue caressing yours as your tears give way to passion. Your heart stuttered as his hands moved to the back of your thighs and he effortlessly lifted you without leaving your lips, walking towards his bed.
Amidst the kisses, he bumped into the bookshelf that separated his bed from the living room causing a few books to fall to the floor, the loud thud breaking the silence in the room. He ignored it as he tossed you on the bed, climbing over you. There were still tears in his eyes, brimming on the surface of his pupils as he slowed down and pressed his forehead against yours.
“I love you,” he said softly but the sadness in his eyes never gave way to their usual warmth. It felt like a goodbye and another wave of grief washed over you. Why did you have to be like this? Why couldn’t you give him what he needed when he gave you so much?
You cupped his damp face and he leaned into your hands, closing his eyes and letting you kiss him tenderly. You hoped to convey how much you needed him, how you wouldn’t survive without him.
You pulled at the hem of his shirt, running your hands under it, feeling the light shudder that went through him as his skin pebbled. He didn’t need any more hints, pulling the shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor as he kissed you again more urgently, his lips molding to yours, igniting a familiar fire in the pit of your stomach. But all through it, he held on to your face as if you would run away if he didn’t.
You pushed gently against his chest and he looked up in alarm before you made him lie next to you and straddled his waist. You couldn’t help but continue kissing him, trailing your lips over his neck, painting his golden chest red as the lump in your throat grew. Despite the tears still running steadily, you whispered ‘I love you’s, hoping he’d believe you, but you were not sure who you were trying to convince; him or yourself.
He was right, you didn’t love him like you loved Namjoon. You didn’t think you could ever love anyone the way you loved him. Namjoon was your first love, the one turned your sepia to technicolour. He was your shelter amidst the rain, but Jungkook was the light amidst the darkness. It was different, it was incomparable. You never needed Namjoon the way you needed Jungkook. Never woke up in the middle of the night relieved to find him still sleeping next to you. You had never depended on someone like you depended on Jungkook, and so, wasn’t that love? Wasn’t needing someone the same as you need oxygen, love?
You trailed your kisses lower, but before you could reach his waistband, he lifted your shirt pulling it off you, and with his arms circled tight around your waist he kissed you again. The two of you kissed for a while, just relishing the feel of each other’s skin, his grip tightening till you couldn’t breathe. He was never like this, never this needy and your heart broke as you realize that he still thought he was competing.
You didn’t know if you were still crying, but you pulled yourself up and stared at him, memorizing the lines on his face and the way his doe eyes glittered in the fluorescence of the room.
“Jungkook, I love you. I need you. Please-”
But before you could finish your sentence, he was rolling the two of you over, pinning you under him as he pulled your shorts down your legs. You didn’t mean this need, but you couldn’t deny how wet his length hardened against you made you. He traced his fingers over your soaked panties, groaning into your mouth before pushing them aside and thrusting two fingers in immediately.
He swallowed your moans as you arched into him, setting a fast pace right from the start, his lips moving to your chest. His kissed your nipples gently hardening them, before capturing one to tease it with his tongue, lapping at it furiously. He nipped it lightly and you felt your whole body light, forcing all your thoughts to tumble out of your head. All you saw were the flashes of red behind your eyelids, all you heard were the sounds of his fingers thrusting in you, all you felt was him as Jungkook did what he did best - made you forget.
“Want to make you forget. Want to make you mine,” he whined against your chest, as he removed his fingers, pulling your panties off your legs and he discarding his own shorts and boxers off in a haze. You didn’t know what was going through his mind as he looked at you with a darkened gaze, his eyes roaming your body, but before you could dwell on it he kissed you again. It was hard and rough, teeth clattering against each other, his tongue licking into you as you mewled.
His cock grinded against your clit as he kissed you and you couldn’t help the way your hips bucked up against him. He looked up at that, a hand quickly moving down to line himself up against you. “Please tell me you want me,” he pleaded against your lips, and another tear rolled down your cheek as you nodded vigorously before kissing him.
Another wave of guilt rushed through you at seeing your usually confident boyfriend pleading at you, and for the first time as he slowly sank into you, you didn’t think of Namjoon.
You gasped against his lips as he fully sheathed himself within you, your walls fluttering around him in need. “Jungkook… Kookie. Please… want you, need you.”
He rewarded your pleas by slowly pulling out and thrusting in again, gripping your waist tightly and bracing his knees against the bed to start rocking into you faster.
“I’m here. Me. Me. I’m the one here for you.” He repeated again and again, the mantra powering his thrusts, leaving you a moaning mess below him as he consistently hit the spot that made you see stars. You wrapped your legs around his waist, stuttering his name and gripping his forearms tightly. You could feel your orgasm build as you lost yourself in his touch, letting him move your body as he pleased, letting him pull you in each time his hips met yours.
You tightened around him as you felt the high of your pleasure coursing through your veins. At the feeling, Jungkook moved forward, bracing his arms around your head, his forehead against yours, and commanding you to open your eyes and meet his.
His eyes were glassy as he looked at you lost in pleasure like it’s the only thing he needed. He kissed you again, softly, a total juxtaposition to the hard movement of his hips that was quickly tightening the coil in your stomach. His movements were sloppier now as he approached his high as well, but still he put you first, moving a hand downwards, fingers starting to circle your clit.
“Cum for me, baby, please,” he moaned as you lost yourself to the euphoria he provided. Jungkook watched your face contorted in pleasure as you writhed under him, finding his release in the melody your whimpers provided.
You pulled him closer, your arms tight around him, and he pushed as deep as he could before stilling and filling you. He collapsed on you right after, still buried inside you with his head in the crook of your shoulder, your pants echoing through the room.
He laid on top of you for a while, his crushing weight smothering you to the mattress, but you didn’t dare move him, welcoming the intimacy after months of distance. You thought he had fallen asleep, but then you felt his shoulders shake, your neck getting damp as he sniffled next to you.
The guilt returned tenfold as you stroked his back gently and let him cry, your own reservoir long empty. Without lifting his head, he grabbed one of your hands, lacing your fingers together, and holding it tightly.
“I’m sorry I’m not him.” He mumbled against you. You started to say his name but before you could he interrupted you. “I’m sorry I can’t make it hurt less. I’m sorry I can’t bring him back. I’m so, so sorry.”
You tried to move his head to see him but he just nuzzled his face in deeper, his hair tickling your neck gently. Your mind felt heavy, like if you thought more your brain would simply shrivel up. You wished you were a different person, had a different life, made better decisions. You hated yourself for making Jungkook feel like he was responsible for your happiness, responsible for putting you back together. But most of all you hated yourself for making him feel like he had to bring Namjoon back for you to feel happy.
Before Namjoon died, Jungkook was a different person. He was funny, energetic, competitive, but afterwards he just became quiet. Sure, he was introverted before, but he just lost the spark behind his eyes. It wasn’t surprising. Jungkook had known Namjoon even longer than you did. He grew up with him and looked up to him like a younger brother would. In the beginning of your relationship, you even felt that he thought he had some kind of responsibility to take care of you for him. But he never pushed you, always relenting to your requests.
The first time you slept with him was only three months after the funeral, when in a drunken haze you begged him to make you forget. He wiped your tears and held you as he obliged, feeding you euphoria as a remedy for your grief.
In the two years following he never asked you to do anything, except for one thing. One thing you were always too scared to do because to you it would be admitting that you were lost - broken. As you laid with your arms tight around him, lamenting how you broke him worse, you decided finally return his generosity by giving him the one thing he had always asked for.
“I’ll go to therapy.” Your voice was low but firm, and it jolted Jungkook to move up and lean on his hands next to your head. The movement made the two of you wince as he suddenly pulled out of you, dragging his release down your thighs.
His red rimmed eyes roamed your face looking for deceit.
“You will?”
“I can’t expect you to fix me, Kook. I can’t put that on you.” You sighed, a hand reaching out to smooth the crease between his eyebrows. Your thumb brushed over his lower lip that jutted out in a slight pout, tracing the little mole that hid underneath. You couldn’t believe how lucky you were to have him in your life.
“You can. I’ll always be here for you, you know that right?” He whispered and it made your heart ache when you thought about how defeated he seemed earlier.
“Kook… I love you… I really do.” Your eyes were glassy again and you wondered how it was that your body could keep producing tears.
He hugged you at that, his arms going under your waist to gently lift you and scoot the two of you upwards, resting your head on the pillows. He laid next to you, a little distance between the two of you, your hands laced together as you both stared at the ceiling, the emotions of the night quickly morphing into exhaustion.
“I should’ve talked to you instead of trying to run away.” Jungkook spoke after a while, making you turn your head towards him.
“I didn’t mean what I said-”
“It’s okay if you did. I miss him. I wish he was here too.” He looked at you with a small melancholic smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“No. It’s not okay. You don’t deserve this. You could be with someone else and you’d be happy. You could be happy Kook. Don’t you want that? To be with someone who doesn’t imagine their dead ex all the time?” Your voice was firm, even when it wavered slightly towards the end as your heart accelerated, your grip around his hand getting tighter.
“No. I want to be with you.”
His thumb caressed your hand as he turned on his side and puts his arm around your waist. The warmth you missed these past months was back in his eyes, but instead of it raising butterflies, all it did was produce dread for when it would disappear as he continued. “I would’ve left a long time ago if I wanted to. If you don’t want me, I still can… if that’s what would make you happy.”
“I think you need to be with someone who you don’t have to put together again.” Your voice was small as he sighed again, letting go of your hand to pull you close to his body, cradling your head into his chest. On instinct, you wrapped your arms and legs around him, nuzzling into his chest. The touch of his skin on yours never failed to comfort you.
“You’re not broken. I’m not putting you together. I just… I don’t want to lose you.” His voice reverberated through his chest as he held you tighter, kissing the top of your head.
“But maybe you need to.”
You wanted to be selfish, keep him for yourself but shouldn’t you let Jungkook go for his sake? Let him find someone with less work, no matter how much it hurt you? It was bad enough that your mental health was terrible, did his need to be too? You felt his heart pound under you and it caused yours to speed up as well, anticipating his words. You didn’t know how you would react if he agreed, even if it was your idea.
“Tomorrow. Let’s talk about this tomorrow,” he said after quiet contemplation. “I love you. More than you’ll know.”
“And I love you. You. Jeon Jungkook. Even if I’m selfish and ruining you.”
He shushed you at that, stroking your hair as the two of you fell in a dreamless sleep. You didn’t know if your relationship would survive past the post-orgasmic endorphins, but you knew one thing for sure.
You were in love with Jungkook and tomorrow you were going to set up your first therapy appointment to make sure you never made him feel like he lost again.
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