#feeling tired

[thesevereheadachegirl]

u fog up my brain

[enii]

[babyherrera74]

Don’t devalue yourself due to someone’s inability to see your worth

[gymaaholic]

Feeling tired before your workouts?

Lack of discipline is not the problem 🤔

This guide helps you fix it:

https://www.gymaholic.co/articles/why-you-feel-tired-before-workouts-and-how-to-fix-it

[mentallyunstablebaddie]

Whats the point of this all

[millie-r-carpenter]

Furia "I'm so tired.."

Xhalia "Lay down and sleep, then."

Furia "No, it's not- I can't."

Xhalia "Why can't you?"

Furia "'Cause it's not that kind of tired.."

[wanderingmind867]

I'm still really nervous for my dad to go back to work full time. I've written lots of notes about this before, I know that. But I still feel like it's something I should be writing about again. I feel like it's something that bears repeating, especially since it's one of my bigger stressors that's got a looming deadline and everything. I'm still stressed about my stomach pains, but those are nearly a year old. I still hate my congestion, but that's been something that's been bugging me since (possibly) 2020. Yet the stress of my dad going back to work full time…that's something I've dealt with before, but it's something that I haven't dealt with in a while. And since it's coming up and looming over me again, I feel like I'm kind of forced to make a full note dedicated to it.

My dad's work schedule while we've been going to College together has involved him working from 1 am to 4:30 am on Fridays, 1 am to 12 pm on Saturdays, 1 am to 12 pm on Sundays and 1 am to 5 am on Mondays. It's been like this since September, and so I'm now really used to it. It's been good for me, because it means I have more time with my dad. And since I don't have any other friends in real life besides my dad, getting more time with him is always going to be a good thing in my book. Even on the days when he's really tired after working, it's nice to have him home early.

As it stands now, my dad's work schedule is soon to change to this: 1 am to 12 pm every Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. It'll be 1 am to 12 pm four days of the week, every single week. That means my dad will only be home in the morning three days a week. That stresses me out. Maybe if I had more friends, this wouldn't be a problem. But now all I have is basically a tumblr account, a notes app and my own mind. I don't have anyone in real life to talk to besides my dad. And even if I had someone, I don't think I'd be able to open up to them competently. I'm always so afraid of judgement and of being rejected or judged. I can't bring myself to open up to anyone besides my dad about all my problems. About my dependency, my hobbies, my anger issues, etc.

This is why I sometimes wish I could just have a live in housekeeper, butler or maid. If I paid someone to interact with me and care for me, then I probably wouldn't have to worry about things like judgement or rejection. Sure, it could be seen as bribery. But I wouldn't care. I think a real friendship could slowly develop out of it, and it'd be easier than anything else I could do. But I know this idea is highly unrealistic, so I don't talk about it much. It is a weird fantasy of mine, though. It's something I think about when I really worry about loneliness.

Loneliness and being bored when I'm all alone aren't the only things that stress me out here, though. I also worry about two major things. Those things being the irritability I sometimes get when I spend the day all alone and the struggles I seem to have with sleeping on the weekends. I've discussed a lot of this in other notes before, but it's still really bothersome for me. It really does get to me, sadly. So let's just start in with discussing the sleep struggles.

I find that I sometimes sleep worse on the nights when I know my dad is going to work. True, I've mainly gotten this idea in my mind because I slept poorly two saturdays in a row. As I discussed in notes from those days, I woke up at 1 am, then 2 am and then 5 am on the saturday two weeks ago. And then I woke up on 3 am on the saturday last week, I think. I've had bad luck with saturdays, and now I'm beginning to worry I sleep worse on weekends because my dad works then. And since I can't disprove it, I'm working under the assumption that this is all fact for me now.

Even if it isn't true, it is true that I sleep poorly some days. And I think knowing my dad is working and I'm all alone in the house does add something extra stressful to my brain chemistry. Speaking from firsthand experience: I was so neurotic and easily scared that I slept in the same bed as my dad until I was around 14. I was convinced sleeping with my dad kept me safe. I think I was working under the logic of some old nomadic caveman eons ago. If I'm with someone else when I'm in a defenseless position (like that of being asleep), I wind up being safer than if I was all alone. I am so neurotic that I fear being all alone should things attack me or hurt me or whatever. I used to run through dangerous scenarios in my head, and I only felt safe with company. Why do you think it took me until at least age 14 to sleep alone!? It's because I'm neurotic. And although I might be slightly better now, I think the habit remains and leaves me on edge when I'm all alone at night.

So that's one of my problems. The other one is my irritability. I find that I sometimes get really irritable when I'm all alone and then have to deal with company. I mean that I spend my whole morning alone when my dad's at work. I listen to music, I mute the TV to better hear the music on my phone sometimes, I do things like this and then just keep fairly silent. It's boring, sure. But it has worked for me (and it still seems to work for me now). But then I get irritable adjusting to my dad being home. It's something that always bothers me. It makes me become snappy and more irritable and everything.

I wouldn't say it's exclusively something I deal with when my dad's working. Sometimes I'll be just as irritable on a regular day, and it'll just be for inexplicable reasons. But I sometimes find that it's worse when my dad's been at work all day. I can't prove it, but it feels true.

Also doesn't help that nothing good is ever on TV on saturdays. Sometimes a good tv show can help you sleep better. Not anything exciting, moreso things that are comforting and boring and aren't going to unnverve you. But nothing is ever on tv saturday, so that can't help with the sleeping thing. Maybe it's not related, but it felt worth mentioning.

So yeah, I've got a lot on my mind. I'm worrying about it all, and yet I'm entirely running out of things to say now. So I think I'm just going to end this here for now, before I get entirely too out of hand. I keep feeling congested, too. And sometimes the congestion makes me feel like I've got a really sore throat. And my old tablet is struggling to retain charge now. And my stomach problems still exist sometimes. But that's an unrelated topic, I suppose.

One final unrelated topic: today has been a tiresome day. My dad came home early today and that's been nice. We watched stuff for a few hours. 5 am to 8:30 am were fine. But after 8:30, my dad went for a nap. And that left me to basically just use my phone for a few hours while laying underneath a blanket. For three hours I just used my phone. It was okay, I guess. But as more time passed, I think I just got more tired. It's barely 1 pm now, and I already feel drained of energy.

Maybe this feeling of being drained isn't all caused by my dad's working and me having to spend time on my own. Maybe it's just bad luck on my part. But I feel like it's possibly connected, and the mere possibility of that is enough to get me to write all this down.