#state 4

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

*Dry erase board, in Alfred's handwriting:*

I'll give you a reward if you return my blue dry erase marker

*Beneath it, not in Alfred's handwriting:*

Watching you panic is reward enough

Alfred: alright. So, I tried to be nice. Obviously that's not gonna work so I'm going to use context clues to figure it out. Texas!

TX: yo

Alfred: 'reward' is spelled correctly and in the last piece of legislation you sent me you spelled your own name wrong, so its definitely not you.

TX: ....

Alfred: NC!

NC: .... yes?

Alfed: the handwriting on the board is reminiscent of a 3 year old and your handwriting is more like art, so! Not you.

NC: ...

Alfred: GA-

VA: alfred are you really going through every state to find one marker?

Alfred: yes.

VA: ... okay, well... why dont you just buy a new one?

Alfred: pffft hahaha! You think that I, the capital of the United States of America, have any money? Lmao that's cute.

NC: ... Are you okay?

Alfred: haha no. Alright so! SC --

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

GA: You know something I never understood? What is it with white people and sitting on their front porch during a thunderstorm?

VA: ah, its calming?

GA: a thunderstorm?

MI: must be a southern thing idk

AR: its soothing

KY: it let's me not think for a while

MD: it gives me an excuse to not... do anything. To just kind of be.

FL: it silences the maelstrom of emotions and feelings in my head.

GA: FL, you're not white?

FL: did you just 'you dont even go here' to me about how I feel about rain??

KY: let's be honest, with all the stupid stuff FL does he is at least a quarter white.

GA: or his dumbassery is just learned. He was raised by Spain, let's not forget

FL: you know I'm right here

GA: are you listening to me, the rain, or the maelstrom of emotions in your head?

FL: I hate everyone here.

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

Alfred: My sexuality is like water.

VA: Explain.

Alfred: Fluid

VA: ...

GA: ...

Alfred: ...

Literally everyone: ... 

GA: is that your clever way of saying that it was you who broke that vase that the Chinese government gave to us as a gift?

Alfred: the floor was slippery.

VA: Alfred, that vase was from the Han Dynasty.

Alfred: I thought it was from China?

VA: Alfred

GA: Alfred, that vase is older than you

Alfred: everything is older than me. Honestly, I’ve lost any and all respect for old things. If I had to respect every old thing, then I’d have nothing to complain about. Also, I fixed it!

VA: Gorilla gluing it doesn’t count as ‘fixing it’, Alfred.

*Bonus* 

Chinese Government: did you give the American representative the vase like we asked?

China: ...

China: Do you really think I’m going to trust that clumsy child with a token from my own history?

China: No. I gave him a reproduction. It was a pretty superb reproduction, too. 

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

WV: So... again, you’re alibi is that a mysterious stranger gave you a gun, made you put your hand prints on it, robbed the store, and then hid the gun in your underpants. 

TX: okay, yeah, sure, when you say it like that it doesn’t sound believable.

WV: *see KY walking by* Oh, hey, KY, did you see the file of new legislation that I left for you on your seat?

KY: Oh, yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.

WV: Thanks, dad. 

*all the states stop* 

WV: Why is everyone staring at me?

OH: You just called KY ‘dad.’ You just said, ‘thanks dad.’

WV: What? No I didn’t, I said, ‘thanks man.’

KY: *incredibly awkward* Do you, uh, see me as a father-figure?

WV: What? No. If anything I see you as a ‘bother figure,’ cause you’re always bothering me.

DE: Hey! Show your father some respect!

WV: I didn’t call him ‘dad’!

KY: *clear throat* No, no, no, West. It’s alright. I take it as a compliment.

TX: You did call him ‘dad’, dude.

WV: You shut-up, you’ve done nothing but lie since you got here.

TX: Okay, so the gun and the robbery, I was lying about that. But you did call him ‘dad.’

WV: Ah-ha! So he admitted that his alibi was a lie. It was a trap! All part of my crazy, devious plan.

KY: I believe you.

WV: Thank you.

KY: Pal.

WV: Ugh.

KY: You wanna talk about this later over a game of catch?

WV: *staring down at their notes* I’d like that. 

Bonus

VA: I don’t understand! 

GA: It’s okay, VA, some people just fit better with others-

VA: WV is literally named after me! Not ‘West Kentucky’, not ‘west’, but West Virginia! 

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

*before becoming a state*

FL: you states are so strange.

GA: Pffft. You’re calling us weird? You, my Spanish friend, are a few quarters short of a buck.

FL: I don’t speak American and I don’t care to learn. 

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

VA: I feel like my perfect complexion makes up for my complete lack of patience.

GA: Lack of patience? VA, you literally stood there for hours and calmly explained everything when I got my first laptop. You coached me through my first laptop.

FL: I feel like it should be duly noted that GA is literally the exception to every arbitrary rule that VA has.

VA: That's not-

AL: 'no cups on my wood table unless you have a coaster! Except you, GA, dear, feel free to place your glass anywhere.'

VA: Thats-

SC: 'no yelling in my house- wait GA, Honey, what was that you needed? Please, yell louder when you need something.'

VA: wait, thats-

NC: 'if yall need to call me, I have a strict schedule and will not answer if you call past midnight- 'cept you GA, please call me whenever you need to.'

VA: I mean, we're dating. I feel like there should be differences.

Al: yesterday at a meeting you literally said, 'shut up. Everyone in this room is a blazing moron. Except you, GA, I'm so glad for your contributions.'

VA: how was that a problem???

NY: GA wasnt even there.

VA: ....

VA: you know what? Shut up. From now on, everyone is either GA or not-GA.

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

VA: !!!!

GA: what is it, VA? I haven't seen you this excited in a long time.

VA: I found us a new home! And it's just like you wanted it, too!

GA: Is it an English Tudor home with tourettes?

VA: Yes! Its so English, it hates France!

[iliveinaconstantstateoffire]

GA: It appears that everyone is under some inane assumption that I love you. Well, I'm here to tell you that they are absolutely right. I love you VA and I- wait are you crying? Please stop crying I have more of a point and- okay no, please dont cry I do love you and-oh. Oh my God you're sobbing now do you want a hug? Here, come here and I'll give you a hug.

VA: *a sobbing mess as she hugs GA with everything she has*