2043

I always struggled to change myself and change my bad behavior. This is a personal blog. change is in the healing process.

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I AM CHANGES

hello everyone,  This is a diary-like kind of blog where I'm going to post everything about myself, go deep into my healing process, and post a lot of vents.  some small things about me: I'm 22, non-binary, and from Naples, Italy. and my hobbies are writing, drawing, reading, and singing. 

Today is June 23, 2024, and everything is going to change.  

By the end of this year, I want to leave behind some of what I think are self-harming behaviors and bad habits. I'm going to go deep into these arguments with a lot of written shadow work that I'm going to post here. I will include the trigger warning if needed.

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self talk

you can't let everything touch you so personaly and eat you at your core. let's be real for a moment, nothing happend! you are feeling guilt for something that did not happen. escaleting a situation so much that you have to numb yoursefl is not healthy. you friends still love you. they are not tired of you. let go of the thought that eats you to the core and are toxic to your mind. you are a victim of your own mind and this never was an argument when we where a teen so why have this problems now? Get over it.

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The Plan!

In my previous posts, I talked about how I want to lose weight, but I’m scared of developing an eating disorder. I also mentioned how I want to heal before I begin that journey. So, this is my plan to heal!

In a week, there are 7 (lucky) days. In a month, there are 3–4 weeks. In a year, there are 52 weeks.

I will try to use all of these days to heal and push myself towards greatness!

There are three main areas of healing for me: mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Here’s how I will divide my week:

Everyday: Waking up early, taking vitamins, stretching, and eating clean. Monday: Exercise, reading, meditating. Tuesday: Walk in nature, write, do something that makes you feel good! Wednesday: Exercise, reading, meditating. Thursday: Walk in nature, write, shadow work. Friday: Exercise, reading, meditating. Saturday: Walk in nature, write, take time to reflect on my life. Sunday: Plan where I want to go in life.

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How am I going to lose weight?

To truly lose weight, I need to heal first. I need to understand what’s happening in my mind and body before putting effort into something that scares me. (If you’ve read my other post, you’ll understand—I’m afraid of developing an eating disorder.)

I’m going to start this weight loss journey by focusing on healing and rediscovering myself.

Mentally, I will heal by writing, reading, exercising, and meditating.

Physically, I will heal by learning how my body works, exercising, eating clean, walking in the sun, meditating, and taking my vitamins.

Spiritually, I will heal by worshiping my deities, doing shadow work, discovering myself, uncovering my fears, and connecting with myself and nature.

It sounds like a lot of work, and my mind already feels tired from all these "tasks." But there's nothing to worry about when we can build a plan!

The plan is to divide and structure a template—like a to-do list—and hang it on my calendar.

I’ll divide it as follows:

Everyday tasks: These are things I know I can do every day and that need to be consistent in my routine—waking up early, writing, walking in the sun, eating clean, and taking my vitamins.

2–3 days a week: These tasks will be done on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday—exercising, reading, meditating, and learning how my body works.

1–2 days a week: These tasks will be done on Tuesday and Thursday—connecting with myself and nature, taking time to reflect on my life, and planning where I want to go.

1 day to push myself: This will be for tasks I’m afraid of but know will benefit me—discovering myself, uncovering my fears, and doing shadow work.

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Losing weight

TW: Discussion of society, weight loss, ED.

I've always wanted to lose weight. Don't worry, I won't rant about how much I desire to be skinny, because that's not my primary goal. What I desire most of all is to be healthy. I love my body and everything it does for me, but this overwhelming urge to push myself to the point of physical collapse, despite my mental health not pushing me, is exhausting.

I want to lose weight in a healthy way—one that is good for my body and my mental health. I want to break free from old habits.

I know I can do so much better, both physically and mentally, if I take care of this fantastic, incredible body that was given to me. But then comes society, which imposes a beauty standard with an unhealthy mindset. It’s hard and complicated to simply let our bodies be.

Instead of saying, “Hey, health is important, do everything for your own well-being—go to a psychologist, go to the gym, eat whatever you want but don't forget your vegetables,”

society says, "To be healthy, you have to be skinny, go to the gym every day for the rest of your life, count your calories, because whatever you’re doing is wrong, but you have to fix it yourself without a psychologist because it's a capitalistic business."

I’m scared to start losing weight because everything and everyone could push me into an ED. In this society, it's easy to be pushed to destroy yourself with just a few simple words.

I love myself too much to destroy myself, so I’m going to come up with a plan and a to-do list to improve as much as I can.

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My rage to my family

The feeling of emptiness when I hang out with my family is overwhelming. When I'm with my friends, once I reach home, I feel so full and grateful, even if sometimes the interactions are empty. When I'm with my family, I don't feel heard. I feel extremely overwhelmed and tired. Anything they say sounds bad, and from start to finish, everything feels fake—it makes me want to throw up. I feel like I need to raise my hand and wait for my turn to speak, but I don't want to because then my family will say, "Why are you raising your hand? You could have just talked." When I get interrupted and I remind them that they interrupted me, they say, "You always talk." When I don't say anything and keep to myself, everything I do is met with, "Why don't you talk to us?" Afterwards, I feel so drained, but I keep pushing and then they say, "Why are you always whining?" I keep pushing and pushing, and they laugh and make jokes that I don't want to hear. I wish I could be deaf to their words, just as they are deaf to mine.

This is a rage letter.

Dad, why do you think I stay up all night? I don't feel safe in these four walls where you raised me. I can't seem to find peace. My safety is in the night. You are not a bad person; there are worse men than you, but I don't like you anymore.

Mom, why do you think I'm quiet? Because nothing I've ever said was heard. When we fight, I'm always the one breaking down and crying, and you paint me as the victim when in reality, I'm just a child who didn't want to be yelled at. I remember your words while you screamed at me inches from my face, and if this happens again one day, I will punch you with all my heart and soul.

My dear older sister, there is no question for me to answer when it comes to you. But the way you ignore me, yell at me, call me the victim, and act hurt when I say anything mildly true that is out of your control. The way you told me to "teach you to set boundaries" when you got hurt by unpleasant people because you gave your whole heart to them but not to your own blood.

I felt so great when you told me that my best friend looked more like my sister than you did.

When you and Mom made me feel bad because I was eating. You came into my room after i failed an exam and said, "Why do you always act like it didn't hurt you?" My answer to you was, "It does hurt, but what am I going to do? Give up? No, let's go for plan B," because that's how I've always lived. But you've stayed with me through a lot of shit, and I will stay with you through a lot of shit because we will never end up like our father did with his brothers, even though I think this will be inevitable someday.

And I should thank you too because if it weren't for the really good moments you gave me, and without knowing, teaching me how to set my boundaries and adapt to situations, I would not be the amazing and strong person I am today.

I really hope that one day I can stay as far away as possible, getting the care I deserve, the love I deserve, with the people I choose. Because I'm not a little girl anymore; I'm a fully developed person with my own mind and thoughts, and I don't want to be treated like an extension of you or a diary where you scribble, write, and read your problems.

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What do I want to change in my life?

There are things that I'll never change in my life; some of those are my family and friends, which I really appreciate and cherish, especially now that I'm 22 years old. 

But to talk better about this topic, I think I have to go back to my teen years because those are probably the years that make me question most of the things. I was so stupid and reckless, and I didn't have a care in the world, like most teenagers. I was a depressed kind, always in bed with the phone in hand and dreams I thought were only dreams. 

Many things have already changed. I did let go of some toxicity in my life and started taking more care of myself. I finally re-found my joy for reading and writing. Even though I'm not the best at writing, I have to say my dislexia always held me back a little. I found some joy and real-life exercise. I regret not starting sooner because I was scared of judgment. Even my fears changed; I was no longer scared of the judgment I could ever face in the future, but I was scared of beginning to be left alone. 

What I want to change now is to be more constant with things, keeping up with the many promises I make to myself. 

to wake up in the morning, to read more, to exercise again, to write more, to count calories, to keep healing, to journal daily.

all things that I once did and that made me feel good, and I will do them again.  I have to do that for myself. I have to stop making excuses for not doing those things because, at the end of the day, those same excuses are the ones that make me feel bad about myself because I broke the promises that I made to myself. It is a loop of pure suffering, and I want to end it. 

I will start now by going to do my skin care at 2:00 am..

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Why do I struggle with healing?

For me, it has always been extremely hard to start a true healing process where I talk about my feelings and my perception of things, and I really struggle still now as I am writing this.  The act of starting to heal from myself and for what others did to me is only reasonable and right, but there is something in me that I can seem to locate that stops me every time. 

I think it is some sort of anxiety and stress because I do have problems with it, but it seems to grow and be stronger whenever I decide to start and write about it. 

It appears like a physical feeling—that squishing and pressing feeling inside my chest, exactly where my heart is. It hurts, and I physically feel like I have to cry, but I don't have to cry. not because I feel like crying is for the weak or something like that, but because I usually don't have to. 

I think that this physical feeling is a response to realizing and unlocking my heart to finally suffer less. I am a spiritual persona, and I do believe in chakras and these things, so I do belive that I am opening myself to feel my heart chakra, so I am opening myself to feel my emotions and to resonate with them, not to be ackward towards them. 

This post will be the start of a long journey of shadow work.  This time, this feeling will not stop me, and I can and will start my healing properly.