Save Me. Kill Me.

I feel like multiple people and make fun of myself. Vent blog. Possibly plural, but not sure enough to say either way.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

i wishi could just strangle something until it's useless and barely holding together. i want something to know me as horrifying and fear me because it knows what i can do and that it is powerless against me.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

i want to pop a dolls head off and know that somewhere in its non-existent mind that it fears me.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

i wishi could just strangle something until it's useless and barely holding together. i want something to know me as horrifying and fear me because it knows what i can do and that it is powerless against me.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

i just want to grab something and burn it.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

why noelle from deltarune is relatable:

abusive parent

chronically ill parent

low self esteem

her lines in chapter five about how she used to want to leave her current life behind, but not being strong enough to do so...

wants conflicting things

wants to be hurt, but also wants control of her life... (referring to ch5 weird route)

anxious

queer.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

My dad makes me want to cut into myself until the pain burns away every other sensation.

[rotrotrotrotrotrotrot]

Fuck transphobes.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

If I'm ever not on here for weeks at a time, I'm either doing really good or really horribly

[sleepyappleidiot]

The Internet has made me so hesitant to self diagnose with anything because there's always that little voice in the back of my head going: "If it turns out I don't have this, everyone will hate me, because I lied to them." and that just makes me not share any of my experiences.

Slight rant warning below the cut, however, I would appreciate it if you read what I have to say.

[TW: Mental illness mentions, neurodivergent struggles, and a lot of ranting about fake claimers AND fakers within mentally ill & neurodivergent spaces.]

Getting a little more specific, I have a lot of evidence that I have Dermatillomania/Excoriation disorder, but I don't want to say that I do because I'm so worried that I'll be fake-claimed by someone, and then people will judge me and I'll never be allowed to use accounts with this name ever again.

I have scars that I will forever live with from dermatillomania, but I still don't feel valid until I start working on getting an official diagnosis.

Hell, even when I do have a diagnosis- like I do for my Autism- I'm STILL scared to talk about it in any way that isn't completely serious and talking about how "it ruins my life!" and "I'll never be normal because of this :(", even though that isn't really truthful for me.

I am autistic. I have been autistic my entire life, and the entirety of that life hasn't been serious. I make jokes about being autistic with my autistic friends, I jokingly name things "The tism" for dumb little things that make me happy for no reason, and while I have had problems caused by autism, there's more to being autistic than doom, social hatred, and gloom :)

All of this being said, I do still loathe those who intentionally fake being neurodivergent and mentally ill. It feels horrible when something you've dealt with for years is turned into a trend, that all of your struggles are dumbed down into an easily digestible content.

However, that loathing is very small compared to my despise for fake claimers.

You're self diagnosed? Your faking! You won't show the medical records saying your diagnosed? Clearly faking! You joke about anything related to being neurodivergent? Faker! You make light about your experiences with being mentally ill? Complete liar!

It's hard when you go on the internet and see someone being called out for lying because they're not neurodivergent or mentally ill in the "right" way, and then you think about yourself.

Are you the "right" kind of different for these people?

Do you feel the "right" way about your scars?

Have you had the "correct" experiences someone with this disorder should have?

Have you been in enough pain to really count as deserving of this label?

...

It feels like the answer is always no.

[rotrotrotrotrotrotrot]

I miss you. I have dreamed of you vividly, like seeing your messages before me. You were so angry. I would want to spend time with you again. At best, see you. See you how you hit me, and I laugh, knowing that I have ruined you. Are you capable of loving as much as you did love me? I wonder.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

not sure why we're like this, just hope the reason isn't a horrible brain tumor /lh /silly

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

my aunt makes me want to cry and never interact with my extended family ever again.

she doesn't understand me. she doesn't understand that i'm autistic. she misgenders me constantly and when my mom said that she'd correct her on my pronouns when she slipped up, my aunt told her "don't you dare." she gets then pissy when my mom corrects her on my identity.

she thinks that "everyone's a little autistic", and then- maybe unintentionally- makes a fool out of me when my autism is annoying or inconvenient. i wish she could just judge me silently or constantly enough to justify cutting her off.

i know i'm annoying, i know i'm inconvenient, i know it's pathetic to text my mom to bring me over food because i can't find the words to ask my aunt, i know i look ungrateful when i don't want to eat her food because of my stupid (non diagnosed) eating disorder*(1), and it's impossible to feel safe around her when she voted for a man*(2) who hates us queers for just wanting to live the lives we dream of.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

On One Hand This Blog Was Literally Made For Me To Vent.

On The Other Hand, Venting Is For The Weak! Ill Never Take My Venting Seriously! Its Pathetic That This Blog Exists!

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

Looking At My Picking Spots And Seeing Pimples So Small I Can't Pop Them <<<

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

is it normal to feel that your stomach is empty, yet feel as though putting any food within it would be the absolute worst thing to do...?

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

Update: Probably Have ARFID.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

I have this thing in my head. I've been calling it Box recently, no idea why. Just feels right to it.

Box is not supposed to be in this body. Neither myself nor Box know what Box is. They hate me, but that's fair, I hate me a little bit too.

Box wants its own body, its own life, its own world, its own family... And it's stuck temporarily having to live in mine.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

I should mention that I can't always tell when I'm "myself" and when I'm "Box", unless I'm going through extreme emotions.

Box would do anything if it was guaranteed it'd get it's own life. Including damaging my body, or ending my life.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

Dear God I Hope That Feeling Like Different People Is Just A Temporary Issue And That I Don't Have A Brain Tumor Or Something.

[mk-somethingiswrongwithm3]

good god i feel so awkward right now, that nice lady is definitely my mom but so many parts of my head and body tell me that she isn't????