I love you 3000

Dream team enthusiast don’t expect much coherent thoughts from me | adult | she/her

[vicea]

best friend (noun): a person’s closest friend

[thebookthief-snail7]

Dream team my favorite trio

[madamoisellemabry]

#myilya has a reputation for being openly a giant gossip about other players. and like, not that that’s not canon, but there’s some faction of girls who are lesbians into hockey who call it for what dude bros never would - rozanov isn’t chirping just on the ice, he’s openly mean girling with other players off the ice too. roz “wendy williams” rozanov becomes a trending thing a few times over the course of his career, with brainrot memes about “wendy williams was pregnant with roz here” to match.

a video by a fan of him and cliff marleau talking INSANE shit on the bench resurfaces after The Outing, and the internet starts up on its usual bullshit of how ilya is too fun for shane again. the usual “oh it’s so sad that roz doesn’t have someone to match his energy” and “hollander is so boring what does a guy who talks like this even see in that”.

anyway, svetlana (who cares less about shane’s hockey image and letting him remain untarnished than ilya does—she’s smart and also a minority so she feels less guilt about pushing shane on it) catches wind of this. one day, out of actually fucking nowhere it’s just some wednesday, she posts a video from the cottage. shes been invited to stay the week to babysit shane who is out on IR, and they’re watching a centaurs vs. guardians game.

the camera is shaky, and held low, and at first you can only hear shane in the background, but then he becomes visible at an odd angle. he’s got his injured ankle up on the couch, he’s wearing a really low cut tank top and a slutty pair of shorts. he is also mid rant about “— and if your entire team is still falling apart to this level TWO YEARS LATER just because you lost one good player and another caught a case, then you have to ask yourself what’s f****** wrong with the f****** coaches. i mean, mathewson is an ugly son of a b**** but i didn’t realize he was f****** stupid too. and we’re not even playing well, smith is just that much of a f****** sieve. maybe if he put half as much weight into moving towards the puck as he puts into pushing his wife around — you’d like her by the way-“

the video goes viral instantaneously. people cannot believe that captain hollander is this mean, but devoted hockey fans also keep quoting it, shocked because he’s RIGHT. some girl who’s been a roz fan since boston tweets, “roz will chirp to piss you off, but hollzy will kill your family because he finds you disrespectful to the sport.”

the only response anyone can get out of the rozanov-hollanders is ilya retweeting that post.

[themoonandmyman]

Thinking about Shane learning the Russian words for ‘my little bear’ because Ilya’s so large and imposing but so soft and his hair is so fluffy- but he also delights in knowing he can use it on Ilya to needle at him and sweetly annoy him. He can imagine Ilya’s faux-irritated brow crease, followed by wrestling Shane into the couch to prove he’s no little bear- he’s a grizzly bear who’s going to eat Shane for breakfast…

So he works to get the pronunciation down, and finally springs it on him one day when Ilya’s just come in from the lake, hair air dried and floofy and he’s all open limbs and soft edges.

The moment the words fill the space, Ilya goes silent, and tears start to fall. Shane panics, and closes the gap between them to hold his husband close with a crushing grip.

‘What’s wrong? Did I not do it right? Did I say something bad?’

Ilya stays quiet for a moment, trying to control the inevitable break in his voice when he speaks. When it comes out, it’s wet, and wounded, like blood seeping out the mouth of an injured animal.

‘No, no. It’s ok- my mama, she-’ another small sob. ‘She used to call me that. I have not heard it in a very long time.’

Shane knows he doesn’t need to reply, or to fill the following lull.

He just needs to stand there. Solid and unyielding.

Arms a vice around Ilya’s torso, large hands stroking down the damp skin of his back. Soothing kisses pressed like a comforting brand to his temple, his cheeks, his eyes. Urging the tears to flow because they need to. Loving his man exactly how he needs to be loved.

[hollanov-words]

I know it's fun in fics but I truly don't think Shane/Ilya would be that open about their sex lives in the Centaurs group chat, they'd really want to keep it professional, but I do think it would take the Cens like half a season to notice that they often both went radio silent in the chat at the same time or disappear from a party at the same time. So the joke is that they're leaving to have sex. They're not texting back because they're having sex. But it's really not serious, they're probably just having lunch without their phones or watching Netflix in the hotel room. Like yeah it's funny to wiggle their eyebrows suggestively when Shane/Ilya come back from the bathroom together but obviously they weren't hooking up in the bathroom, that would be unhinged.

Except, you know, they definitely fucking are.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

they don’t have a problem with showering together at the locker room actually because they don’t need to hide or rush or use it as an excuse for sex. shower sex was never really about the shower it was just so shane could moan as loud as he wanted in hotels without people in the other room hearing. now they actually use the shower to debrief and gossip and just talk about the game they played and strategies. the problem actually is both of them losing track of time because they’ll just stand there sharing the shower and chatting like they’re at home and then shower together again at home and talk about all the things they couldn’t in the locker room. it doesn’t mean they don’t have sex shower anymore, it’s just they can have sex in more comfortable places and showering together is now bonding time

[lesbianalumni]

when voice memos become a thing, Ilya goes INSANE over them. he sends every single message as an audio clip, even if it's just 2 seconds of "Shaaaane I love you." (there are plenty of clips of him cumming, too, which are saved to Shane's phone and replayed in dire situations.)

Shane learns pretty quickly not to play any audio from Ilya in public, both because he doesn't want to blow up Ilya's spot and reveal how secretly sappy his boyfriend is, and because there's no telling when Ilya will launch into sex talk in the middle of an otherwise mundane message.

years into this, he's driving Hayden to the airport after hosting him for a long weekend. a message from Ilya comes in, starting with "hey baby, coach just called..." according to the iPhone speech-to-text description. it's short, anyway, and Shane doesn't want to read while driving on the highway — he has no choice to press play.

"Hey baby, Coach just called and said practice is pushed back an hour tonight, I told him that's fine for us. Also, I was just showering and I have a hickey on my dick —"

Shane turns bright red and almost swerves into oncoming traffic trying to turn the phone off.

"Did not know this was possible. You gave me dick hickey," Ilya's voice continues despite Shane's best efforts.

"Not a single word," Shane warns, side eyeing his friend right as Hayden begins to laugh.

[loverboydean]

I've been seeing a lovely gifset going around of the "sometimes I think I would have told them already" moment, and I always interpreted that to mean "I would have told them I was gay, but I love my parents so much and I care about you so deeply that I can't talk about being gay without talking about you and that would ruin everything right now so I just can't" truly a moment of "if I loved you less I might be able to talk about it more"

[gaynehollander]

A few years into Shane playing for Ottawa, one of the younger Centaurs, maybe Holmberg, comes to him with a problem. He has been sleeping with this girl for a while now and he's so into her but she travels for work and he knows she has a couple of regular hookups all over the place. So, since Shane - judging by Cap's reputation - has been in a similar position, he asks him how he convinced Roz to be exclusive.

Shane stares at him, uncomprehendingly, for a second before slowly replying, "...I didn't."

Holmberg gives him a deeply skeptical look. "I've seen the way you react when people flirt with Roz in front of you," he says, "there's no way you guys have an open relationship."

"No," Shane clarifies immediately. He would rather set himself on fire than have to live with sharing his husband with another person. "No, we're exclusive," he confirms, "but I never asked him to stop sleeping with other people. He just kind of... stopped. I didn't even find out until a few months after it happened so, I don't know, maybe just wait it out?"

Eventually, the Centaurs learn that, although Cap and Hollzy have clearly found in each other what most people spend their lives searching for, they are the absolute worst people to ask for any type of relationship advice.

[storm-of-feathers]

tumblr is great bc its like a diary where I can take other peoples diary entries and glue them into my own diary

[penandinkprincess]

For bedtime rules bb!shane: I see you and raise you a child who refuses to get out of bed after being tucked in for the night because That’s Against Bedtime Rules. Signed a child who lost a tooth and almost refused to go tell her parents about even they the tooth fairy def needed to know.

What shenanigans are happening to Shane because it’s after bedtime and he’s Not going to get out of bed? I think he watches spaghetti escape and only mentions it the next morning.

OH GOD WAIT. THIS MEANING THAT WHEN HE *DOES* GET OUT OF BED AFTER BEDTIME, IT MEANS SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG.

which means when yuna wakes up to shane and david having a hushed conversation at 3 in the morning, she's immediately just oh my god my baby what's wrong with my baby something is wrong with-

and then she has to hear that The Snake is LOOSE!!! IN HER FUCKING HOME!!!!!

and shane is in tears and clearly upset because that's his FRIEND!! and he's MISSING!!!

and yuna is trying SO HARD to be a supportive and loving mama to her very distressed baby right now, but internally she is just

[junkdrawertales]

“I frew up” except it’s “spaghetti left his house”

“baby what do you mean spaghetti left his house”

“spaghetti went out the door and left his house.”

“Shane. Sweetie. What.”

[penandinkprincess]

david trying to simultaneously calm his sobbing child trying to tell him spaghetti left his house and also be moral support for his deer in headlights wife who is now processing that spaghetti has left his house MEANING! SPAGHETTI IS LIKELY NOW IN *HER* HOUSE!! WHERE SHE LIVES!!!

[penandinkprincess]

laughing about the one time spaghetti gets out in ottawa after he and shane moved there and he was in a temporary enclosure until his big (fully spaghetti-proofed) one could get set up and listen. LISTEN. ilya has worked SO HARD to be cool with the snake okay. he has. you canNOT say he hasn't.

BUT IN NO WORLD DOES HE WANT TO SLEEP IN A PLACE WHERE THERE IS A SNAKE IN AN UNKNOWN LOCATION. IT'S GOING TO END UP SLITHERING OVER HIM IN HIS SLEEP. HE KNOWS IT. HE FUCKING KNOWS IT. HE HAS LOOKED IN SPAGHETTI'S EYES AND KNOWS WHAT LIVES IN HIS HEART.

which means yuna at 11:37 pm gets a "yuna your son has misplaced his spaghetti" text and immediately just "guest room has clean sheets" because she Gets It

ilya was moral support in the evening and he will be moral support in the morning, too, but shane, love of his life, he will see you tomorrow

[emmiegoesinsane]

shane when he joins the ottawa centaurs:

[bambicoded]

important to me that there is a video floating around out there of Rose grabbing Shane and Shane saying completely monotone, "unhand me wench"

[icecreamsandwichofficial]

Rose Landry highest self esteem of all time. she has mediocre sex a couple times with a guy who seems not all that into it and goes "hm. Well, I'M definitely not the problem. the only possible answer is that he is Gay."

impeccable reasoning, no notes.

[hollandar]

Heated Rivalry — 1x06 ⤷ PHONE BLOWJOB

(sources below)

Faking It — #1, #2 Deadline — #3 Variety — #4, #5 Vulture — #6 The Wrap — #7 Vulture — #8

[deletiaclementine]

Ilya and Shane are the only ones who can make each other laugh until they cry. They get the giggles together until they’re laughing so hard it doesn’t make a sound and no one can even tell what was so funny in the first place. Yuna sees them once, in the backyard, like this and she stops to watch with a twist in her heart because she hasn’t seen Shane laugh like that since he was a little child

[hollanovbiter]

i do think in the hollander-rozanov household, ilya does the majority of the cooking. you can tell in canon he loves to act of service shane and make him breakfast/protein shake/ special dinner etc.

but i do think that ilya is also the dishwasher. he’s touching all the gross chunks in the dirty water so shane doesn’t have to. and wiping the counters and emptying the dishwasher.

but i also think that ilya is the designated grocery shopper. he likes to go after practices and go to the hot bar for lunch, and then bring home everything for their meal plan dinner. shane goes directly home from the practice rink to do his cool down recovery routine while ilya is shopping

and then it’s 6 months into their marriage and living together full time, and shane realizes he hasn’t set foot in the kitchen since they got married. hasn’t touched a dish, done any of the chores

and then he has to have a conversation with ilya about how he doesn’t need to do all of the housework- shane is a grown adult and can do the dishes when ilya cooks.

but of course ilya has reservations because he still has trauma from his dad- feeling like he needs to prove his love and worth or else the other person will resent him. but you know me, i am lazy so

i don’t know that side of you at all hollander cooks and cleans one night and forces ilya to sit down every time he tries to help. he makes ilya go into the family room and stay away. when dinner’s ready shane finds ilya on the couch asleep, and tears up a little with love for him. his little trauma ridden boy who he loves so much and wants to care for but doesn’t always know how to