how it feels in summer
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@thedarksideofthesuns
how it feels in summer
where does love live?
Earlier I knew where I was and what I was doing. I didn't think about it too much because i had faith in the future. I believed that one day I would rescue myself and become everything. Every moment that passes I lose more and more clarity. I get confused on where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do, and how I can rescue myself and become everything, now that the time has come.
The answer was within me all along, a primordial passion that flickers, which once burnt ferociously. Passion in all. Love, creation, feeling. All-consuming love. Where does it live?
Love is everything. I love you.
I haven’t posted in a while but this is what I’ve been up to more or less. Kind of floating around doing random stuff and enjoying what life is giving me for now.
did no work today. I’ll deffo pay for this tomorrow but it’s okay I just curated something
day 96 of being
hello everyone ive been feeling a lot better, honestly... its working! however, my dissertation for my undergrad is due in 2 weeks and guess what? IM NOT DOING WORK, im literally procrastinating and when i do work its not good, its not going well. i think that throughout this whole journey i was struggling a lot mentally and my work kind of wasn't a priority but now it's really time to 'lock in'. I think in order to lock in i first need to forgive myself for leaving stuff to the last minute and not working hard enough in the past few months, which is really causing a bit of struggle for me now. So I do forgive myself, i was doing my best and for the next 2 weeks i will do my best on this and try my hardest! and after posting this im going to get to work <3
Fun Hobbies to pick up this summer!
I actually have always had hobbies so heres some fun hobby ideas for this summer!! Some of them will be media consumption, some might require buying a few things and some may require going outside with other people but a lot of these will be free to do at home, alone, for those days when you're super bored at home!!!
Honourable mentions for hobby ideas: - sewing - birdwatching - graphic design/ make posters or magazines etc. - sudoku - flower arrangements lol - embroidery - book binding - ceramics/ pottery - explore ur city/ town/ area- find places you wanna go and go - try new cuisines, maybe do one new cuisine per week - watch short films - go to the theatre- doesnt have to be expensive theres usually cheap community theatre in the local area ran by communiy centres etc and can be very fun -learn how to dj?
comment any extra suggestions <333
the life i was promised <3
Day 73 of being
I’ve been trying to be less anxious and stress less. Sometimes I genuinely stress that people just don’t love me and the thought makes me feel really anxious. Because then I have to ponder my loneliness how genuine it is and how alone I really am and how alone I fear and feel I’ll always be. I enjoy being alone but I can’t handle it forever and I can’t handle it as an inescapable constant. That’s why nighttime feels so scary sometimes for me but also other times so peaceful. I don’t know I really don’t know I’ve been doing well. I haven’t cried in maybe 2-3 weeks until today. I cried tonight because I feel insignificant. Maybe I’ll never be as significant as I want to be to other people. I’m not sure how to make it better. I’m not sure how to deal with things and what to decide and what and what and what. I just know that the world feels a little debilitating sometimes.
Day 56 of being
I haven’t posted an update on one of these for a week or two. Truth it’s it’s been ups and downs. I will describe!!
The ups: launching my magazine and throwing a party and having everyone celebrate the work and I did a speech and people admired me, also I got a job and it’s kinda chill and fun and I’m making some money on the side, it’s also sunny and cute
The downs: some nights I have debilitating anxiety and it is actually debilitating and horrible.
But I think this journey is all about acknowledging the issues and fixing them. And also about acknowledging myself and who I am and how I can work WITH myself not against myself. I’m sensitive and i am anxious and in some contexts I may be “too much”. I have many flaws that’s gonna be fun for shadow work but all those flaws are part of me and they were parts of my good qualities. I think that’s something we must acknowledge not only about ourselves but about everyone. I’m sensitive, which means I can be very sweet, empathetic and creative and emotionally intelligent but it also means I can be angry, anxious, naive and impulsive. I’m stubborn which means I can be annoying and pretentious but it’s also the reason I can achieve certain things in my career and be able to stand my ground when I must. And so on and so forth
and a collage I made ❤️❤️❤️
maybe it’s time to finally admit that i know
Haven’t done a collage like this in a minute hope you enjoy.
no one likes the text posts fine ill clock back into the image factory...
day 43 of being
i feel better everyone can we get a yiiipeeee!!!??? so basically... detachment is key! learnt and realised that having an independent sense of purpose means centering your own experience and perception of the world over other people's because they are them and they will always be them and you will always be you. sooo like, i should just let my soul free and detach, while still being present !
spring soulstice is coming!!!
day 41 of being
oh ive had a weeeek! honestly im so pissed off, but ive been somewhat enlightened yeah... saturday was lowkey the worst day ever i spent the whole day hysterically crying. so ive decided actually that ive had fucking ENOUGH. like enough is genuinely enough. i am still so pissed off though. basically just realised life cannot get better if i dont DETACH and let it get better and allow good things in. thats all i can say right now cause ive been feeling actually CRAZY this past week!
day 35 of being
“One can conceive of very ancient myths, but there no eternal ones; for it is human history which converts reality into speech” (Barthes, 1957, p110)
Mythologies, signs, myths. "Symolic exchange is no longer the organising principle of modern society" (Baudrillard, 1993, p1). I love semiotics, I love learning about myths, about what means what. Sometimes it is difficult however, because learning about the myths makes me wonder about if the object, if the signifier really means anything at all. In the words of Barthes, take a bunch of roses used to show my passion. The roses are just the object, the signifier, until the singified, the message, turns them into a sign, a myth. Baudrillard argues we live in the age of signs and therefore "In survival, death is repressed; life itself, in accordance with that well known ebbing away, would be nothing more than a survival determined by death." (Baudrillard, 1993, p127). "The emergence of survival can therefore be analysed as the fundamental operation in the birth of power" (p129). "The price we pay for the reality of this life, to live it as a positive value, is the ever-present phantasm of death. (...) This is why, in whatever field of reality, every seperate term for which the other is its imaginary, is hainted by the latter as its own death" (p133). Baudrillard essentially says death as we know it is a myth, a sign. That the end of things, our own life or anything else really, any kind of death, is of course natural and cyclical. An exchange between life and death is natural. We have mythologised a sanctity of life against a nothingness of death. Yes life is sacred, but so is death, otherwise life becomes haunted. So the end of things is what? What is anything? Cyclical energy, denied by the myth of the linear.
Not my typical day x of being post but ive been reading baudrillard and barthes all day, smoking and feeling inconsolable for some strange reason, i shed a tear on the train. I am listening to Seta Hagopian in the library now, reading Symbolic Exchange and Death, when I am meant to be writing a sociology essay about something else. I feel a little hopeful. Maybe I could pursue a PhD in semiotics, will be a huge struggle to afford all that and also need to get my MA first but it's a thought, a slither of hope <3
day 34 of being- individuation journey
it is difficult. it is really difficult. i forget to practice, i forget that the goal isnt just to get through the day, to survive the moment, but to actually create an independent sense of purpose. i guess ive been working and working and getting a bit sad and upset honestly. i told someone how i felt and they said i need to be careful not to feel helpless and hopeless. so yeah i guess today's message is that whatever your situation is, you have some control, some power, you are in control. i am in control, i may not be able to control the situations but I can control how I respond. I can do better!
my mum said today that she hasnt seen me be in a good mood in months. that made me really really sad. i want to be happy and bright and i want other people to see me as such. it's just hard, i dont know what to do.