We had just finished our first quest, where none of us really were experienced DnD player, and I did some feeble attempts at solid DM'ing. The goal of the quest had been to find an antidote for a farmerās son who had gone into a magical coma.
(ps: due to an inside joke, Winnie the Pooh is in the party like, just there. Christopher Robin is the farmers son who fell ill. The party coloured winnie the pooh neon pink. I donāt know why.)
DM: You reach the farm. You donāt have to roll shit to figure out these peeps are poor. They have a cow and a goat in a small pen that donāt look too hot. Oh, and thereās a donkey tied by the door to their shedlike home.
Elf Ranger: guys i think these peeps are super poor.
Half-Elf Cleric (only good aligned partymember): oh my god really????
DM: just as you say that, the door creaks open, and a thin, a bit aged man peeks out, and when he sees you, his eyes go wide and he steps fully outside, and he says āAre you the ones my daughter sent to- have you found it? Did you find the antidote for my son?ā
Half-Elf Cleric: Hello we are here to speak to you about Jesus Christ- I mean, Njord. Thatās my deity, right?
Elf Ranger: Yeah, the word of Njord.
Dward Fighter (whose alignment is sorta fuzzy): Yeah we got some antidote dude but uhh time cough up some gold pieces, aight
DM: So- these news fills him with both glee and fear. He sinks down on his feet-
Half-Elf Cleric: What was he on before
DM: -His knees. He sinks down on his knees, and he brings his hands together in your typical prayer like- heās begging you. āPlease, we haveā¦Ā nothing.ā
Tiefling Warlock (Chaotic Neutral): sad trombone
DM: āPlease, I- I have but one son, he and my daughter are- we wonāt be able to do the amount of work- we need him!ā
Tiefling Warlock: āShall we move on, my fellows?ā
DM: As you guys speak about this, Winnie the Pooh slides down from /Half-Elf Cleric/ās shoulders, where heās been perched, and sort of waddles forward, past the begging father, and into the house, to join Christopher Robin.
Dwarf Fighter: Ey he didnāt swipe the antidote from us, did he?
DM: No- no, you still got that.
Tiefling Warlock: I wouldāve Eldritch Blasted his ass if he had.
Half-Elf Cleric: I think we should just give them the antidote.
DM: Like- just to clarify: the antidote is not like- a valuable thing. Itās just this one specific conconction for this particular- you wonāt get more cash out of this anywhere else, nobody is gonna run up to you and go āoh, my father is in a magical coma and needs an antidote that-!ā like. Itās literally worthless except for these people.
Tiefling Warlock: But weĀ won'tĀ have to help someone pro bono.
Half-Elf Cleric: *annoyed sigh* I donāt give a damn about money.
Everyone except her: *horrified gasps*
Dwarf Fighter: ā¦ well, you guysĀ doĀ got a nice ass-
Dwarf Fighter: the donkey. You got a nice donkey.
DM: Youā¦ want the donkey.
Half-Elf Cleric: IS IT EEYORE
Everyone: YES we want the donkey.
DM: ā¦ The man looks at the donkey and then at you, and he goes āI- If it is a trade between the life of my son and my donkey, itās- then itās yours.ā And- and Eeyore looks up at you all-
Everyone: YES ITāS EEYORE
DM: -and he goes āI figured I was going to get sold anywayā¦ā
DM: and the farmer goes āAAAā cus he didnāt know he had a talking donkey
Dwarf Fighter: eyy hasnāt he seen Shrek talking donkeys means cash
DM: yeah well that doesnāt matter now cus heās giving him to you guys
Dwarf Fighter: right you are
DM: and the man unties Eeyore and he sighs deeply and he goes āthis surely wonāt make things easier for usā¦ but in exchange for my sonā¦ *sigh*ā
Tiefling and Dwarf: oh stop moping around jesus hell
Half-Elf Cleric: EYY if I have a āset of commoners clothesā can i give them to them cus they look poor right
Half-Elf Cleric: EYYYYYYYYYYYY
DM: but then youād be naked
Half-Elf Cleric: NĆĆĆIJ in that case fuck it you donāt get shit iām sorry i tried
DM: -and you just start taking of your clothes to give them to the man, but you realise halfway through what youāre doing and you get dressed again
Tiefling: cover yourself, woman
DM: so- let me get this straight. You guys literally have a box on wheels that you pull along with you, and it is filledā¦ with the golden heads of a pair of statues AND YOU WANNA TAKE THIS POOR FAMILYS DONKEY.
Tiefling: survival of the fittest, honey *grabs rope with Eeyore on the other end*
-they go inside and give Christopher Robin the antidote-
Christopher Robin: what the fuck
DM: And the family all rejoice at the awakening of their son, and they turn and thank you, and theyāre in the middle of hugging you all when the farmer murmurs āTheyā¦ they took the donkey.ā and the whole family just. Goes quiet-
Dwarf Fighter: fucking tattletale?
DM: - and the mother sort of sinks down on her chair and she whisperes āHow will we surviv-ā
Tiefling: Oh for fucks- ālook, woman, if you donāt shut up Iāll Eldritch Blast your ass-ā
Half-Elf Cleric: āHEY WHATā
DM: The woman gasps loudly and pales-
Dwarf Fighter: āYo whatās the problem donāt you want a talking donkeyā
Half-Elf Cleric: āI meant the whole threatening to KILL HER actuallyā
Tiefling: āI wasnāt threatening her, I was just stating a factā
DM: That if she wouldnāt shut up youād kill her?
Tiefling: Itās a very known fact.
DM: Winnie the Pooh is looking at Christopher Robin with such glee; itās really indescribable how happy heās looking, and heās hopping around happily and heās climbing up on the bed to give him a big old hug, and Christopher Robin, he goes- āWhat the- could you guys like take the bear away from me.ā
Half-Elf Cleric: āIsnāt he like with you?ā
Christopher Robin: āWh- no? I just went into the woods and he just came up to me, and I found this ruin and he just followed me? And then I got stung by something and thatās all I remember? Could you like take him away heās a bit creepy. And why is he pink?ā
Half-Elf Cleric: āWell uhh heās yours now. You donāt have a donkey anymore, so-ā
DM: And this sorta comes as news to him cus when the father told the fam he had just woken up so he was a bit disoriented so now he goes āWh-Why is-? What happened to our donkey?ā And the father, he goes āWell, son, it was their demand to give you the antidoteā¦ and-ā
Tiefling: āBy the wayā¦ can we get this transaction on paper?ā
DM: - and the boy turns to you incredulously, and he goes āBut-! You canāt! We need that donkey, without it weāll die!ā
Dwarf: āYouāre young and strong, boy, time to saddle up.ā
Tiefling: āYou got a bear now.ā
DM: - And Christopher Robin starts to cry too, and he goes āYou mightāve saved our lives, but youāve killed ourĀ family-ā
Dwarf: āAnywho, gots to go.ā
DM: So, you go to leave the shedlike home, and the athmostphere is next to devastated-
Dwarf: āOkay, okay, I aināt okay with this. We go here and save yourĀ life,Ā and you guys areĀ devastated?Ā Really?ā
Tiefling: āI agree entirely. Ungrateful runt.ā
DM: āAnd Chrisopher Robin slams the door in your face.ā
Cleric: āNo, I was- I was gonna whisper to him āI didnāt want this, I wanted to let you have it for free-ā
DM: -Okay, so you whisper that, and he just stares you down, and he shakes his head, and tears are falling down, and he just spits out āYouāre just as bad as them for letting it happen anyway,ā and he throws the door shut in front of your face after doing that.
DM: okay so like just to state- like, you guys are super welcome to just. give them something on your own accord, like, out of your own pocket, you picked up som gold in that temple, so if you want to-
Cleric: I WANNA GIVE THEM 100 GP
Tiefling: WHAT āNO, NO, DONāTā ok so I try to pursuade /cleric/ not to do it.
DM: You- you canāt roll to make another player do stuff they donāt wanna do.
Tiefling: Okay, uh āHey, /cleric/. Donāt do it.ā There, youāre pursuaded.
Cleric: ā¦ yeah, nah. I give them the gold.
DM: So- you hammer on the door and you shout āI GOT GOLD FOR YOUā or something like that, and Christopher Robin opens the door, and once he sees the gold youāre extending, he- he is so happy. He takes the gold and he goes to hug you, and the entire family comes out and does the same, they can buy like 3 donkeys now i dunno how GP works in dnd yet uhhh so-
Tiefling: Fuck this, I eldritch blast Christopher Robin.
Cleric: NO YOU DONāT i stand in the way.
DM: -Fine? Uh, roll an attack roll.
DM: You miss. You hit the ground.
Tiefling: ā¦ donāt I hit the house at least?
DM: NO YOU- WHY DO YOU WANT TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN
Ā Cleric: WHY WOULD YOU STILL ROLL WHEN I WAS STANING IN THE WAY- YOU TRIED TO KILL ME
Ranger: All of this for a donkey
DM: Nah, dude, you got the donkey. This is because /Cleric/ gave them 100 GP
Dwarf: Yeah, but theyāre super ungrateful. Bastards.
Cleric: Yeah but we canāt KILL THEM for that??
DM: so the family, they- after the attempted murder, they run back into the house.Ā
Dwarf: Did they take the gold?
DM: Does /Tiefling/ want to keep his spree of āteaching people some mannersā going or?
Tiefling: Nahhh. But he does cast sleep on /Cleric/ cus heās pissed.
Cleric: haHA iām a half elf and I canāt be magically put to sleep!
Tiefling: Nvm then Iām tired.
DM: So- you guys walk away from the house, and just for a moment you hear the door opening and then quickly closing-
DM: -and you turn, and- Winnie the Pooh has been tossed out of the house.
Dwarf: THIS IS WHAT IāM TALKING ABOUT when Njord taketh a donkey he giveth thee an illuminescent bear, and they just TOSS HIM OUT
DM: - and Winne the Pooh sits on the ground very- very sadly. Had he had tear ducts, he would cry a single tear. He is on the ground-
Ranger: ugh FINE letās take him with us.
DM: You go and pick him up, and he is so happy. So, so happy.
Dwarf: what are we, collecting Winnie the Pooh characters?
DM: Heās on /clerics/ shoulder again-
Tiefling: Canāt we put him on Eeyores back?
Dwarf: Canāt we put EEYORE on WINNIE THE POOHās back?
DM: You put Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh back, and you now have a donkey on top of a bear on the ground. They are not moving.
DM: And Eeyore sighs and goes āI knew Iād be too heavyā
yousharknotpass
theartofmadeline
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
dededos
kianamaiart
ellievsbear
