Timefighter

Writings of a lost human

[timefighter]

In my humble opinion, one of the greatest joys is having best friends that sneak photos of you when you’re not paying attention, only to excitedly show you the pictures once you turn back from whatever you were occupied with. My favorite photos of myself are pictures that my friend has taken while I’m not paying attention or explaining something. And I love when I show my friends photos I’ve taken of them and they say something along the lines of ‘Oh! That’s cute. Can you send it to me?’ It just feels so quintessentially human of us to see our favorite people and want to capture a little frame of how great they are, and then show them how they’re really great!

[timefighter]

I'm about to take my first dose of t and I don't have anyone to talk to about it who might understand. It feels kind of anticlimactic since I'm using the gel and not the shots but it's still exciting. I'm kind of stalling by typing this out. I just really wish I had some queer friends to share it with, so I thought writing it out here is as best as it'll get. I also might meet some other trans people to chat with or something. Anyway, here we go I guess.

[timefighter]

Poetry often makes me wonder how a person can put pen to paper and create a string of words so devastating to allow them to claw into my chest. Carving through the wreckage of my ribcage, only to settle into the hollow behind where my sternum once sat. How can a mere mortal shape sounds in such a way to wholly ravage the nature of another? I am not sure in the existence of a god, but I do believe that poets can draw from something divine in nature. For it seems the only explanation as to how words can capture something so ephemeral as the human experience.

[timefighter]

One day I hope simply to live a life where at the end of the day, when I'm laying down going to sleep, I have enough energy and heed to braid my hair before I turn off the light. So that in the morning, when I'm drowsy and sluggish, I get to look at myself in the mirror as my hair unfurls into charming little curls that bounce ever so slightly with me as I walk. I think it would be a nice treat to leave myself. If I were not wrung so thin as I am, It would make it's way into my evening customs. But as it is, at least I can dream of the times when my hair will twirl around my fingertips and my days will no longer leave me as weary as they do now.

[timefighter]

I hate when I'm expected to know certain things that were never taught to me and then blamed for not knowing them.

I was just criticized for suggesting a time to leave for my new job and when asked how I was supposed to know that you're supposed to be 10 early this person said i could have asked them, when i clearly stated beforehand that I didn't know what an appropriate time would be to leave and was then told that wasn't an acceptable answer!

Pro tip: when a person (especially if they're autistic) is doing something new don't expect them to automatically know things that a)don't line up with the information they were given and b) is based off of some neurotypical social bs. I dont understand why I should have to arrive 10 minutes earlier than I was told to arrive to a job. Why am I not supposed to arrive at the given time? If employer want me to arrive 10 minutes earlier, why don't they just tell me that work is 10 minutes earlier?

[timefighter]

Humans need to categorize things fascinate me. Like, taxonomy doesn't really exist. Its something humans created to feel more comfortable. And keep in mind I love taxonomy and find it fascinating!!! But it doesn't change that humans made it up. The complexities of the relationships of other animals all throughout their development and evolution is messy and cant possible be fully understood with the restraints we place on it! And I love it. I love that human urge to categorize and understand. Now to be fair it can also be used to other things that we dont understand, but at it's best it helps us try to understand things more. How cool is that!!!

[timefighter]

As a person at very high risk for eating disorders, if one more person tells me to 'just eat more' or that I am 'so skinny! You're so lucky' I will roundhouse kick some sense of boundries into them. Please dont comment on other people's diet or weight. Even if you think it's a complement. You dont know how that person feels about it and you could be talking about a sensitive topic for them. I have expressed on multiple occasions that it is very hard for me to feel hungry and had people respond saying that they're jealous. I sometimes have to force myself to eat so I wont faint when I stand up, so shut up about your new diet that you think would work great for me. I dont wanna hear it.

[timefighter]

I just finished I Wish You All The Best by Mason Deaver, which is a book with a nonbinary protagonist. And it felt so good to read about someone like me. It felt strange to watch someone I identified with so much fall in love and be in a happy relationship. Almost always, if a book has a nb character (which is rare) they are just a side character with no romance of their own. It was so alien to read about an nb person who has a healthy relationship.

This is the reason we need more nb rep in media. Because I never thought of being in a relationship while being myself. I should be able to see people like me who are successful and happy. Being nb is harder than average, you have to deal with alot of shit, but that doesn't mean it's impossible for us to have a good life. Show us more nb people who are happy!

[timefighter]

I recently came to realize that I'm nonbinary (afab) and I have some thoughts about my feeling towards being a 'woman' vs being enby.

It's really strange because I feel like such a large part of my identity has been associated with being a feminist and even though I know that my gender doesn't change that, it's still very complicated for me. I feel like I'm not allowed to relate to issues that directly affect women, even though I am still affected by those very same issues. I want to read authors like Simone de Beuvoir and Sylvia Plath, but I fear that my interest in the issues they discuss somehow invalidates my gender. I have been so intertwined with these issues, that it feels like if I come out, I will have to give all of that up.

I'm also worried that reading and doing stuff like that is more feminine in a way that feels uncomfortable to me now. I dont want people to assume my gender based solely on what media I consume or the things I'm passionate about. I still am angry about the injustices that women face, but I feel as if I cant be as angry as I was without sacrificing a part of myself.

[timefighter]

Beginning

I don’t really know what this is going to be. The idea is that this will be a journal of sorts. I’m confused about a lot of things and writing is supposed to help.