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I feel like in the rush of “throw out etiquette who cares what fork you use or who gets introduced first” we actually lost a lot of social scripts that the younger generations are floundering without.

sandersstudies

A lot of tough situations where we now feel like we “don’t know what to do or say” had social scripts just a couple of generations ago and they might have been canned phrases or robotic actions but they could still be meant sincerely and unfortunately we haven’t replaced them with any more sincere or easier new script.

beemovieerotica

a lot of people are giving examples in the notes of things they just find annoying like not using headphones in public, but OP is talking about actual literal scripts of things to say in awkward situations

if you have a date or two with someone and you don't see a relationship developing? most millennials / gen Zers just end up ghosting. but a social script that might have been taught and rehearsed in the past could be:

"I really appreciated getting dinner with you the other night and I enjoyed your company, but I'm afraid I didn't feel a spark. I wish you the best, and hope you find that special someone!"

like it sounds kind of trite but it was at least something to say and it can still be meant with kind sincerity. it also communicates in 2 sentences that you don't want to see them romantically again, but there aren't any hard feelings about that. that's it!!! that's all it takes!!!

misfit-toy-haven

Another example is that at parties a lot of people talk about how awkward it is to mingle or talk to people they dont know. But at old timey parties that was traditionally the HOST'S job, and there was a specific scripted way of doing it that eased the process! The host would bring you in, introduce you and maybe even a little bit about you like what you did for a living, and then guide you to a group you could talk to. They didn't just let you in the door and then ditch you to fend for yourself in a sea of strangers. That would be unthinkable and no one would be surprised if a get-together like that wound up being awkward.

demonprincex

I still do the party-host thing and yall can, too! (Thanks Mad Men for teaching me a lot of outmoded social scripts... no really tho)

Remember things about your friends! Ask people about their weekends, hobbies, holidays, studies, and jobs! Listen for the concerns people have and what they are working on! Draw connections between one person and another to get the ball rolling. "Oh, Maura, you just got your first cat! You should talk to Felix, he used to work at a rescue. Felix, please tell Maura all the new-cat-guardian pointers."

"Bill, Sheila, Xan, this is my friend Kale. Kale is really into Star Trek, Bill you and them should talk about it!"

Orrr whatever! After you make the introduction and draw the connection you just float on into the next interaction with someone else at the function. Just listen, care about your friends, get our of your own head, and think of how you can bring other people together and you will feel 100% less awkward.

3liza

hi i am so excited about this post because i have posted this exact thing MANY times on here, often in the specific context of how formal etiquette is so useful for autistic people especially, but also for everyone. even if you come off a little bit formal, which you will sometimes, having Old School Manners (or just knowing what they are) for various common scenarios is like having a magic ticket that will just sail you through all kinds of social iinteractions, gatekeeping, social weirdness, and as is pointed out in the above posts about introducing people to each other, can make you into a really valuable and helpful person for an entire gathering or group of people.

i also want to point out that knowing what the polite thing to do in all situations makes you a lot more effective at being rude and obnoxious when the situation calls for it, which is also a valuable and necessary adult skill

dailymanners

#things to write#but also#things to do#I could certainly benefit from a manual...

If you're looking for a manual on these sorts of things; social etiquette, social scripts, how to handle difficult and/or awkward social situations, etc. then I highly recommend picking up any book by Miss Manners. Her books really are the gold standard for learning the types of skills this post is talking about. I should also mention that Miss Manners is witty and hilarious so her books are also fun to read.

The best book by Miss Manners to get started with would be Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. This one is probably the best starting point because it gives the best overview of all the basics.

If you're the type who likes to listen to podcasts, I recommend checking out "Were You Raised By Wolves?" and/or "Awesome Etiquette". Both are also great tools for learning the type of social skills this post is talking about. I'm personally a fan of "Were You Raised By Wolves?" because not only are they pretty funny and informative, they also bother to try to teach the underlying social intelligence behind various manners and social etiquette so that you can have the skills to solve social dilemmas on your own. However, "Awesome Etiquette" is also pretty fun and informative.

dailymanners

#long post#I feel like 'i dont do small talk nobody cares about the weather' had a negative impact on social interaction#I mean yeah sometimes small talk about nothing gets awkward. but often it leads to the most interesting conversations#just asking 'what kind of music do you listen to at the gym' or 'have you read any books lately' could be such a lovely subject#I'm sometimes socially awkward despite being a huge extrovert. that's why etiquette is such a great thing#if you don't know how to act around people just stick to the etiquette rules. if they have a problem with it they're not for me anyways

Sorry @darlingdear but I couldn't let this stay in the tags.

I say this as someone who is neurodivergent had grew up very socially awkward, but recently I find the "screw small talk, I wanna get to know the REAL you" attitude to be pretentious as well as a demonstration of a lack of boundaries.

But also, I think a lot of people who have this attitude don't actually really know what does qualify as small talk. The definition of small talk is any topic that's of no real consequence and includes topics like food, pets, sports, music, whatever show you're currently streaming, whatever book you're currently reading, and yes, the weather. A lot of people who have this "I hate small talk / I don't do small talk" attitude probably think it's only reciting a bunch of secret scripts about the weather, and don't realize how much they engage in small talk whenever they talk about their pets or their favorite foods or the really cool show they're watching right now.

Small talk is just about boundaries and getting to know someone *before* you move into more serious and personal topics. The older I get the more I learn you really can't just trust anyone with more serious and personal subjects. Small talk first is important to gauge if they're someone safe and trustworthy first before moving into more serious and personal subjects. If you really genuinely refuse to get to know someone before immediately discussing serious and personal subjects you may have an issue with boundaries and should consider working on that.

littlehouseontheaerie

Oh my god, so much the last point. All of them, but especially the last.

Small talk is a way of sounding out a person’s attitudes. It’s about finding out if they’re a rabid asshole or someone you want to spend more time with.

I had a professor who got angry at a group of (mostly women), from five countries, all of whom met yesterday, for talking about daytime TV. He basically insulted us and called us shallow.

Dude, we were figuring each other out with a safe topic! We were the best of friends three weeks later. We could broach harder topics because we understood each other’s boundaries better. If you immediately demand people bare their souls, you’re not likely to get them to be honest.

headspace-hotel

Hanging out with retirees will make you so much more comfy in social situations!

Inter-generational friendships are really important for learning social skills, cause the old folks are skilled in the social skills

weaselle

i like the additions here, but i feel like something from the OP has been glossed over. What fork you used used? That stuff, specifically, also had social scripts attached that helps the host or staff to communicate back and forth with the guest in a way that does not interfere with conversations the guests may be having amongst themselves

Place settings too -- when you sat at a table as a guest, you could look at the setting and know what the dinner was going to be like, whether there would be soup or salad or both, if there would be desert, whether it would be red meat or fish. You could, simply by looking at the setting in front of you, know not to accept a second glass of white wine because a red wine would be served with the entree

these are not pretentious rules meant to exclude people or set them up for judgement, but social standards meant to help both guests and hosts. Indeed, the simple rule for usage of the various silverware is usually, depending on region and period, either from the center outward, or from the outside toward the center, and the host is responsible for making sure the silverware is laid out in the correct order for the courses that are being served.

So you can see in the first place setting pic, you will probably be served tea as you sit -- perhaps you will chat a while with the other guests over a mug with some bread and butter to nibble before receiving your first course.

Whereas in the second place setting, you can infer that you will have appetizers served first, likely soon after sitting, but then have an opportunity to take a break from eating and chat over a cup of tea before the main course is served.

prismatic-bell

All of this is great, and I'm going to add one (including my modern take on it that's worked very well for me): introduction order.

Traditionally, you introduced the "more important" person first. "Principal Smith, this is Catherine Jones. She's the librarian at Brown Elementary. Mrs. Jones, Principal Smith. He'll be taking over Washington High this year." Smith is technically higher on the command chain than Jones, so he goes first.

Now I still find that useful in work situations, but at least in the US where we often don't have delineated class boundaries, what to do?

I go by personal familiarity.

"Roommate Of Ten Years, this is Friend Of Three Years! She's just gotten into Hobby You Also Have. FOTY, this is ROTY! She Makes Fun Things."

It means I always know who's going first, and each of them now has 1) a conversational topic and 2) a memory hook to make the name easier to remember.

alexseanchai

May I draw your attention to the bread knife, and also the butter knife (not shown)? The idea is to convey the butter to the bread without any of the bread getting to the butter. Nobody likes somebody else's bread crumbs in their butter, of course, but you know what else that's really good for? Making sure people who can't eat gluten foods can still use the same butter as everyone else without cross-contamination.

dykerikki

did you guys know we have women on the television tomorrow.

emcolbs

s1 ep1-3 oil pastel screencap redraws

emcolbs

bid on my boy

nwmo

NEW FISH JUST DROPPED

cannibalcaprine-deactivated2024

I KNOW that playing God is morally wrong, but holy HELL, it looks fun.

ninjakittenarmy

Why is it playing God? We aren’t violating any natural laws. God set the parameters of the universe to allow these things. There’s nothing wrong with it, there’s no hubris in learning more about how to manipulate the universe around us.

cannibalcaprine-deactivated2024

We made a whole-ass fish.

ospreyonthemoon

The reason this was accidental BTW is because they used paddlefish eggs as a negative control group for a breeding experiment on sturgeons because the scientists, quite naturally, assumed that they were SO unrelated it would be genetically impossible for them to mate. Like. I cannot stress enough to you how these creatures last related ancestors were

140 MILLION YEARS BACK.

If you don't know how far that is, that's basically the start of the cretaceous. Let me simplify that for you even further. Chimpanzees and humans seperated, what, 5 or 6 million years ago?

This is basically like if humans could hybridise with THESE THINGS.

This is the sort of thing that should be impossible. They used those eggs to be ABSOLUTELY 100% SURE NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.

And then THEY GOT FISH OUT OF IT.

Like. You can quite clearly understand why they didn't think anything would happen. WE ARE MORE RELATED TO BLUE WHALES THAN THESE THINGS.

THE AMERICAN PADDLEFISH AND THE STURGEON ARE SO COMPLETELY UNRELATED THAT THIS IS NOT PLAYING GOD. IF ANYTHING THIS IS AN ACT OF GOD.

THE SCIENTISTS HAD NO BLAME IN THIS BECAUSE NOTHING LIKE THIS HAD EVER HAPPENED BEFORE

It sort of goes against the rules of genetics a bit.

ospreyonthemoon

Oh i forgot to add

THESE THINGS, FOR HYBRIDS, HAD A REALLY HIGH SURVIVAL RATING. LIKE 70% OF THEM SURVIVED.

To put that into perspective, getting a blue whale and a squirrel and trying to hybridise them is more sensible, and that wouldn't produce anything but getting you banned from science. Most animals that aren't plants can barely hybridise two degrees away from each other.

BUT THESE TWO ENTIRELY UNRELATED FISH create PERFECTLY HEALTHY HYBRIDS.

the scientists literally had to do the tests AGAIN just to be like "okay this is real right. This is actually like, not a fluke, this works right" and it worked again. They just Can!

jackofacetrades

So for those who don't know what the original fishes look like, this is an American Paddlefish:

And this is a Russian Sturgeon:

So honestly, saying the hybrid is "weird looking" is a bit fort de café when you see its parents. I think the sturddlefish looks cute.

marlinspirkhall

"these creatures last related ancestors were 140 million years back"

(glances at fish)

Yeah that's exactly what I thought you'd look like, you Mesozoic fuck

thriceandonce

#Holding a red squirrel in my left hand and a blue whale in my right desperately hoping to make a purple squale (via @dykepuffs)

xray-vex

[x]

mermaidinn

meow

emcolbs

they are a set! do not separate!!

sharktooth-jacket

so there's a pattern in Ed's life that i've been trying really hard to pin down and articulate and i think i've got it. it's this repeating cycle of "Ed sets a boundary, voices a wish, or sets an expectation -> that is not accepted at face value by the people around him -> Ed corrects to meet their expectations -> the correction is viewed as extreme/cruel and becomes part of the Blackbeard image -> over time despite the fact Ed is typically being perfectly reasonable, Ed is reinforced in thinking that expressing boundaries and wishes is in itself the problem and Ed voicing boundaries/wishes is in itself proof that he is not a good person"

a really early example of this. when Izzy, Fang, and Ivan have the little "what are you doing why haven't you killed Stede" intervention moment, they prompt Ed on why pets aren't allowed on his ship. His response is immediate, "pets befoul the ship," and it's so obvious that is his real reason for not allowing Fang to have a dog and he had to change that to "the love of a pet makes a man weak" to fit what others expect him to say. the thing his crew remember for him on this topic is not the same thing as his very clear personal reason of "doesn't like the mess animals make" and it's obvious that reason was just not good enough without an extreme, masculine coat of paint.

and that's a mild one but it's a pattern that keeps happening!

end of season 1. Ed tries to set a clear expression of his boundaries and wishes with Izzy, he'd rather be called Ed, he's still Blackbeard but he wants to change what that looks like. Izzy pushes him until Ed reacts, changing his behavior and language to match what Izzy is expecting. Izzy then says "there he is" and makes it clear that's the reaction that is not just acceptable but is Ed fundamentally being himself, and Ed is left thinking he just "revealed" himself when he just doing a behavior he's learned keeps him safe.

with Hornigold in season 2, it's inside Ed's brain but it still fits. Ed tries to play with him, Hornigold doesn't play along, and when Ed tries to pause and asks why Hornigold is being mean to him, Hornigold acts like Ed's the unreasonable one and uses him getting justifiably annoyed as "proof" Ed isn't a good guy. i've seen meta about this one so i won't dwell on it but i think it's such a good example.

and all together repeating examples like this reinforce the cycle because it means Ed is rarely taken in good faith. others see his corrections and very reasonable things like "this captain has a no-pets policy" turn into "you made me put my dog down." people around him will assume he's acting crazy, or just does mean awful things for the sake of it, like in season 2 where everyone assumes Ed killed Buttons or headbutted Stede just to be a dick! he gets the benefit of the doubt like 0% of the time and i think that's a big reason why his self image is the way it is.

one of my favorite things about ofmd is how it doesn't hold your hand and explain everything, and i loved putting this together. it's such a cool cycle that just keeps happening to Ed, and from the examples we get in the show it's so easy to fit in the pieces of how much this happens in Ed's life. it's no wonder this poor guy's self image looks the way it does, every time he tries to set boundaries and expectations for what he wants, it gets twisted into something barely recognizeable that reinforces the idea all he's good for is being mean and scary.

borealing

absolutely losing my shit at this

triflesandparsnips

So I went down to the recruiting center, very young… first casualty of war is innocence. I hadn’t even had a girlfriend at that point. And back in 1990 in the New Zealand army they didn’t let gay people–…that’s changed now, but I wasn’t gay. I just came across that way.

So this is how– this is sort of how it went at the recruiting center with the big sergeant:

INTENSELY BUTCH SERGEANT VOICE Alright, mate, you’re gonna join up, are yah?

TINIEST TWINK VOICE IMAGINABLE Yea

SERGEANT BUTCH I’m just gonna make sure you’re gonna be suitable for the armed forces. Got yourself a girlfriend?

TINY RHYS Aw naw

SERGEANT BUTCH …You like girls?

TINY RHYS Aw yea

SERGEANT BUTCH …You like boys?

TINY RHYS: Aw yea-yea! –What’s wrong with ‘em?

SERGEANT BUTCH (⊙ˍ⊙)

SERGEANT BUTCH ⚆_⚆

SERGEANT BUTCH ಠ_ಠ

-Rhys Darby, “Imagine That!”, 2008

gilmores-glorious-blog

something i love about the end of season one of ofmd is that it would’ve made sense for the last shot of ed to be the one of him on the deck of the ship, taking a swig of a bottle and staring up at the camera…its menacing, its badass, it has a finality to it,, absolutely no one would’ve questioned it if that was the last time we saw him in s1. but then! they hit you with the scene of him sobbing alone in stede’s empty room while looking at the lighthouse painting!! and it’s like. oh. okay. he’s not menacing, he’s not tough, he’s heartbroken and miserable and so, so alone and he should’ve avoided the lighthouse that was stede because here he is, cracked up on the rocks. and that’s the image that sticks with you.