vauxhall

Personal diary. bpd, hpd, autism, ocd

[unfilledvessel]

Being a Poc neurodivergent girl means i would get ableism, racism, and sexism by people all the time! ✨

[unfilledvessel]

I think personally some of us suicidal people don't actually wanna die, we just want to NOT exist for a certain period of time until we're ready to get back, something like that.. but that's not a real option is it? The best example one could think of is death cuz dying strips u of all responsibilities, stress, exhaustion, social expectations, judgment, hurt, fumbling in life or with relationships, ect. You don't necessarily want to end ur story, you just want a blank chapter where nobody expects anything from you And i guess that's what makes people turn to death, its the only acceptable way to disappear, but its permanent & that's why its "not the answer" as they say.. that's why most if your loved ones & strangers try stop suicidal people from doing or thinking such things, i think people wouldn't mind dying if it had the option of going only for a short amount of time and not forever, like if u could die for half a year and come back? Like just disappear for sum time like a vacation! only that ur not obligated to keep contact or update family or friends or take approval from ur boss or school.

[unfilledvessel]

I wish i was as good as a pretend to be. I wish i was as bubbly and funny as my friends think of me, i wish i was as gifted and clever as my teachers think of me. I wish i was as kind and gentle as they think of me. But the mask keeps getting looser and loosed and now my teachers, my friends my family they all saw me breaking down they all saw my tear and snot cover face its disgusting, its embarrassing, i didn't know how to explain it to them that it's ok I've always been like this. But How dare i... How dare i stop the masking after coming so far with it! Why does it fall off now? Why can't i keep it up?

[unfilledvessel]

Don't you just hate it when ur fat, ugly, depressed and autistic, failing at everything and your family hates you because ur so difficult to deal with and ur mom wishes u could go back to being a cute baby when dealing with u and controlling u was easier and at least u looked cute when u had a meltdown as a kid. But oh why did u have to grow up u selfish little prick?? We were having fun! Ur mom loved u ur dad loved u ur siblings loved u & now ur just a big ol' fat stinking loser.

[unfilledvessel]

does god hate me, does he love to see my suffering, is he giving me the Consequences for my past awful actions, is he real anymore? is he satisfied seeing me hurt myself ? Am i sinner just like my mom say? Is god making me live this life because I've been an awful person? Because i stopped praying? stopped hoping? stopped raising my hands to the sky praising and praying him? Am i a goner, is there any reason left to not disappear, what's the point of trying anyway, i know im bad and made dumb actions, is this life even real, am i real, does someone hear me? Am i seen? Am i recognised for me? Is there anything to me? Am i important amongst all those 8 billion people who keep appearing on the planet everyday?

[unfilledvessel]

One day im gonna kill myself, and then my family would wish they'd listen to me, wish they wouldn't brush me over, wish they'd spent time with me instead of leaving me alone with my own thoughts and feelings, wish they'd notice the signs, my scars, my frown, my tired eyes and lack of life in my eyes, wish they could go back in time to make things right, but then, only then it would be too late! Toooooo late. I'll look for a gruesome way to die, so when they find me, they'll be traumatized for life, i hope they'll be traumatized to finally feel how i felt. I hope they regret ever being mean to me, regret ever Yelling at me, beating me, insulting me, not taking me seriously, making me feel small and alone. I hate them. If I don't die, then i hope one day i leave them and never contact them ever again, see if they'll miss me. I hope you rot in hell you disgusting people. You make me sick you always make me sick. You've always made me hate myself, hate my life, hate what god made of me

[unfilledvessel]

I have no one to give my soul to anymore, no one to talk to, no one to comfort, not one to hug, no one to watch movies with, no one to draw with, no one to play video games with, no one to give presents to, bake brownies to, make tea to, buy stuff to, no one to shower with compliments and love and affection, no one to die of laughter with, no one lean on, no one to have a pajama night with, or do their hair, no one to give songs dedicated to them, no one to watch musicals with, no one who accepts me as i am, no one who makes me feel like i worth living, like im worth trying, no one who can actually understands what im going through, no one who knows how much I've put my life and soul into someone only to have my heart getting stepped on, everyone will say "someone will come eventually" but you don't understand what the last person meant, the last person was the only good thing ever in my life, the only exception, the only light, the sweetness, the life support, the love and comfort, the sibling i never had, the love i never knew i needed, this person was why i was probably alive still, this person wasn't just a phase in my life, she was all i can think of, the first person to pop in my mind when i think of anything, the reason i saved up money so i could shower her with gifts, everything reminded me of her, her favourite games, her favourite shows, her favourite foods, and i would never mind giving up my whole sanity for her, and now? Now she GONE. just like that poof! 💨 Like it never mattered, like it was nothing. No texts explaining, no confrontation, no empathy, no nothing. Just like that disappearing and running away from me. Am i fuckin joke to you? Do i have to chase you for answers? Are you really that bitchy?

[unfilledvessel]

Please god Ur punishing too much, please have mercy on me, I know I did wrong, please forgive me god, please don't make my heart grow weaker, please give me happiness, please give me comfort, please give me trust please help me get through this, I can't handle anymore...

[unfilledvessel]

I hate you sister. I love you sister. I hate you. I hate you. Why can't you just stop calling me mean names. I know I'm a shitty person but don't rub it in my face... Pls it hurts when Ur the last person I expect you to be like that with me.

[unfilledvessel]

Great turns out I have a sister complexe, cool.

[unfilledvessel]

And what hurts the most is when even Ur own flesh and blood can't understand you or even listen to you...

[unfilledvessel]

Every time I feel like it couldn't get worse it actually does...

[unfilledvessel]

and I'm scared.. scared that I'll just lose myself one day to the darkness till it consumes me and then... What then? How will I be my old self again? When will I be my old self ever again!? What if I never changed? What I stayed the same angry-shitty person... Who makes everyone mad at them... I want to change my bad behaviours but... Every time I do I just .. go back to my starting point and I fear I have no real personality I mean.. do I still like purple? I feel like I'm losing a bit of my sanity every day and It's suffocating me like a grip on my throat silencing me and isolating me...

[unfilledvessel]

Mom I'm exhausted.

Mom would you still love me if I tell you I sometimes hold hatred against you?

Mom would you you still love me if I tell you I wanna die.

Mom how would you react if I said I still hold grudges against things you did in the past to me.

Mom can you make me a meal just for me? This once so I can feel special.

Mom why weren't you worried about me when I got back from school after I fell down the stairs?

Mom why do you always have to put words in my mouth?

Mom can you just see the world from my view?

Mom you're a human too it's ok if you make mistakes, you're not a god you're my mom you shouldn't always be right about everything.

Mom it's ok if I know some things better than you, don't feel threatened by it.

Mom I just want us to get along.

No mom you're not fine with how they raised you when you were little, I know you're broken on the inside, but you think it's normal to be raised like that.

Mom not everything has to be about you.

Mom I know you don't have the best life, but don't make mine worse.

Mom I love you but I hate you but I feel you but I fear you.

Mom why can't you treat me the way I wish you would do.

Mom am I overreacting?

Mom will you make me soup? Do my hair? Or will just tell me that you're tired.. cuz Im tired too.

Mom I wanna leave you as soon as I become an adult and get my own house, but I don't want to leave you, I wanna stick in Ur addicting embrace and affection.