newt newt

also i can kill you with my brain • she/her bi/aro

[waepenwifestre]

mike’s hard past couple of months

[ozempicofficial]

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

[goats-ablaze]

woke up today and realized that tumblr entirely killed fuck ya life bing bong so here ya go again

[thereisselfpreservation]

[pocketkris]

worst part about getting angry is how much it makes you want to be mean

[pocketkris]

sorry i said something dickish. a few mildly frustrating things happened to me in succession and it turned me evil

[tomatoluvr69]

Get enough sleep get enough fiber get enough iron wear sunscreen every moment of every day dont get dehydrated don’t slouch brush perfectly floss too keep your tires full of air get your oil changed check your brakes and alignment get new tires get your yearly inspection get your yearly pelvic exam remember your flu and covid shot research the candidates for district attorney take your recycling to the curb on the right day try to limit red meat, alcohol, ultra processed food, sugar and sitting down don’t use screens before bed exercise constantly you’re not socializing or being touched enough meditate daily make sure your clothes are constantly acceptable wash your hair before there’s even a hint of grease don’t have any unsightly hair anywhere don’t drink foo much coffee or sugary drinks or carbonated drinks or anything with citric acid or your teeth will rot change your sheets every few days and your pillowcases daily and you should be also throwing out your pillows every year or two apparently don’t use any kind of cutting board due to the unique drawbacks of each available kind walk 15 min after every meal don’t eat right after brushing but also don’t brush thirty minutes after eating yet somehow brush your teeth every morning and be on time for work also and make sure you’re weight training and make sure you’re doing everything you can to prevent eventual osteoporosis and arthritis moisturize your skin every day keep your prescriptions filled try to avoid being stressed at all costs because it’s the silent killer prioritize your mental health but don’t let any of these habits slip and don’t lose your important documents and keep the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector fresh and deep clean your fridge often and clean your entire house often and exchange pleasantries with every acquaintance and keep yourself polished and presentable at work and stretch before bed every night and buy new kitchen sponges when they wear out and make sure you have laundry detergent and dish soap and olive oil and only eat healthy fats and make sure you’re doing everything to prevent the skyrocketing rates of colon cancer in young people and soak all your berries so that they actually get clean and wash all your produce and buy organic so you aren’t ingesting four million pesticides and avoid animal products but also eat a lot of lean meat and dairy for the protein and eat 30g of protein at every meal and prioritize whole grains and complex carbohydrates and moderate your sugar intake and replace your toothbrush every six months and your running shows every 90 miles clean your car out often and make sure no one smashes your tail light in the parking lot and keep a printout of your up to date proof of insurance in your glovebox even if you don’t own a printer and put a sizeable portion of each paycheck into retirement portfolio replace your windshield wipers and close your kitchen down every night and eat two servings of dark leafy greens per day and do all of this and still get enough rest so that you’re able to give the 40 hour workweek your all. And if you fail to do any of these things you’re a disgusting failure slob

[whatisyourchildhoodtrauma]

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER | 1.04 "Teacher’s Pet"

#prestige television

BONUS:

Original comment HERE.

[gonzos-humansona]

Woman in front of me in line at the caffe nero changed my life yesterday when she ordered a prosciutto sandwich but pronounced "prosciutto" like it rhymed with mosquito. "Pruh-squee-toe."

I heard this person say "uhhhh yeah can I get a prosquito sandwich please?" and I knew I'd never be the same. Prosquito. Prosquito. Its everything to me. I haven't been able to stop saying that lmfao. This is my spinch. This is my bagel and creem cheems. This is my ranibow sprimkle.

friends and family are already tired of me going crazy over prosquito but its so special to me

[hachama]

Husbff pronounced pinot grigio as "peanut grig-eo," with a hard G. He does this to hijack my brain. Someone come collect this man, he is not to be trusted with words.

[beardedmrbean]

[vexwerewolf]

This is one of the funniest noises I've ever heard in my life

[mikkeneko]

for the love of god unmute

[cinnamnt]

i can’t stop thinking about this soulless husk i saw at a thrift market today. like okay um Hi

[itsapmseymour]

They got new photos of the moon,

I knew she had colors hiding in there 🥹

[thestudiouswanderer]

s o o p

[carys-the-ninth]

"Was this book good or was I deeply 19 when I read it:" an investigative journalism series

[not-your-lawyer]

“Was this book bad or was I simply lacking enough life experience to appreciate the narrative when I read it” : an award-winning followup

[adz]

how fucking sinister is this. i cant imagine the emotion i’d feel if i saw someone wearing a jet black baseball cap with a propeller

[muckmagister]

i just bought the hat

[muckmagister]

the hat has arrived

[muckmagister]

[adz]

exactly as sinister as i envisioned, it looks terrific on you. i love it

[muckmagister]

desolate

[probablybadrpgideas]

Every character whose name starts with "M" inevitably has to have an archnemesis whose name starts with "W", like Mario and Wario.

my poor sea elf druid running around after Weredith

[insidestory1]

Healthy people will never understand what a massive achievement it is to do your laundry AND cook yourself a meal in one day.

[shimmervee]

be sure to leave out milk and cookies for brutus tonight

[statelywingmanor]

You can leave as many cookies as you want but he’ll only et two

[shimmervee]

this remains the funniest addition anyone’s made to one of my posts

[omghotmemes]

No, no it isn’t.

[moonlit-aura]

this gif is perfectly timed because it gives you enough time to read it, comprehend it, and still have this too-long-for-comfort moment of suspense before being punched square in the solar plexus