Nevertheless

•Life’s a war and• •I’m tired of being in the front lines• •Cw: I dont wanna know -Sw: 120-Gw: 110-Ugw: 105•

[watchthemshow]

Trigger warning:

ED

SH

SA

Stay away from this page if you are triggered by any of these things. I use this platform to say the things to random strangers that I know I could never say to my therapist.

[watchthemshow]

I don’t think I’ll ever feel beautiful again.

When nightfall comes I spend my time praying for a miracle.

Praying for someone to find the beauty I lost when I found your dirty little secrets.

[watchthemshow]

How do you forgive the unforgivable and go on living like nothing happened and you two share the same love when you look into each others eyes.

There is no love in structured pain.

[watchthemshow]

I’m

Trapped..

in the spiderweb

of your insincerity and lies.

I can hear the other insects telling me to run

but my feet are glued to the ground

waiting for you to demolish me

if only you’d love me

the same.

[watchthemshow]

TW: Mention of Su*c*de and SH

I keep typing “su*c*de” into my search engine…

I look at what comes up, like I have 1,000,000 times before and I wail in disappointment at the lack of knowing what to do.

“Text 988”

I think about it.

But what would I say?

“Hey I am going to end my life tonight.”

no… they might send someone to my house.

“I need help. I keep cutting myself.”

no…they might send someone to my house.

“I can’t breathe, my thoughts are drowning me and I’m in the bathtub thinking about how I could kill myself right now.”

no…they might send someone to my house.

Not that they shouldn’t.

Yet not that they should.

They tell you to text or call if you want to die.

I want to die but I’m too afraid to text or call in fear that I’d be wasting their time.

Something I was taught strictly not to waste growing up.

Something I seem to waste without trying

along with other things such as space and air.

I want to die.

But I’m too afraid to text.

I’m too afraid to call.

So I only search up “su*c*de” on my search engine

and

wail at the disappointment of not knowing what to do.

[watchthemshow]

It’s exhausting having to worry about everyone who’s eventually going to leave you anyway. Even the ones who claim they never will. But they are worse than the ones who never promised to stay in the first place, aren’t they.

[watchthemshow]

I had this terrible dream where I was all alone,

and part of me feels like

it wasn’t a dream

at all…

[watchthemshow]

I’m out of balance.

I’m tripping and falling all over the place

I stumble over my feet and my words alike

I wish I knew where to

I was walking…

But I can’t when

I cant find the balance between good

And bad.

And

I cant find the balance between healthy

And sick.

And

I cant find the balance between Love

And hate.

And

I cant even find the balance between living

And dying.

And

Everyone but me seems to know how to find it

But when you cant find the balance between

swimming and sinking

Living or dying

Loving or hating

Healthy or sick

Good and bad

And everything in between

You only start to sink.

You stay sick.

You stay dying.

You stay hateful.

You stay…

Bad.

Something I never wanted to be

But something I am without trying.

I’m out of balance.

Somebody hold me

…steady.

[watchthemshow]

When Billie said

“I’m sad again

don’t tell my boyfriend.”

I fucking felt that.

[watchthemshow]

I left the old

Replaced him with new

I still feel dead.

What do I do?

[watchthemshow]

I relapsed again.

I cant sleep because of everything going on in my mind.

He’s ruptured my heart again.

A pain that lasts within me.

Never quite allowing me to escape from the initial sting of it all.

Love.

When I was a child

I heard Love was…

Beautiful.

Powerful.

Selfless.

But I’ve found it to be…

Self Destructive.

Agonizing.

And Cruel.

Love is for fools.

And without my permission,

I’m the most foolish person you’ll ever meet.

[watchthemshow]

TW: Mention of SH and Su*c*d*

I’m lying to him again.

I cant tell him I’m hurting myself again.

He’d be so angry with me.

He tells me he cares and loves me.

My brain talks over his words.

“He only wants your body. He couldn’t care less about you.”

“He’s going to leave as soon as someone prettier comes along.”

“Who’s he texting? Probably some other girl way sexier than you.

You poor little sl*t. You still aren’t good enough.”

“If he loved you, he would ask you how your day was, but he never does.”

“If he loved you he wouldn’t let you suffer like you are.”

“How’s it feel to be utterly worthless? Honestly. What’s it like? You would know.

Wouldn’t you.”

I look into the mirror and i drop to the floor in agony. Is my brain right? He tells me it’s lying but I can’t help but wonder which reality is real.

Yet I’m so afraid my brain is right I’ll continue to let him use my body how ever he wants just because I think he would leave if I didn’t, regardless of what he says.

I just need some help. It’ll all be okay.

But my brain continues on…

“Nobody can help you. You are going to have to suffer forever.”

“There’s only one way out.”

“One way out.”

“Do it.”

“Do it!”

“Or every breath you take will be a tragedy for all eternity.”

STOP.

I scream at the top of my lungs in my room to nobody but myself.

I hold my legs and cry into my hair as I always do and pray that tomorrow will be different, regardless of the fact that I’ve dealt with this every day for years.

I start to wonder.

How long will this go on for?

Will I make it through?

Do I even want to?

I’ve been lying to him again.

Somebody make it

stop.

[watchthemshow]

Self destruction suits me darling.

Everything’s gotta go sometime.

[watchthemshow]

I have a hard time knowing if this is real. I look at myself in the mirror and I’m the most hideous I’ve ever been. I walk past it later and I’m the prettiest.

The constant fight between reality and not reality is everlasting. And I still have nobody to tell me what reality even is.

Constantly bouncing between I hate me I love me is such a daunting task.

[watchthemshow]

Tw: Mention of Su*c*d3

Being clean isn’t worth it when you are clean for someone but they leave you alone to cope without your coping mechanism. You made me promise but you won’t help me. What do I do now? Kill myself?

[watchthemshow]

I wanted someone to care. For someone to be proud of me. But nobody even gave it any mind. I wanted him to know today I’m one month clean. I wanted someone to be proud. But there isn’t anyone that cares. What’s the point of recovery when nobody cares either way? It’s stupid. I just thought I’d put it out there somewhere, that today, I’m one month clean.

[watchthemshow]

I’m tired.

And not just a I feel sad and I didn’t eat today lol hee hee tired.

I’m…

I haven’t eaten in a week, I can’t see my future, every day is a month, and I scream at walls cause no one will listen kind of tired.

Somebody wake me up.