what kind of witch are you? 26

[daredevil-vagabond]

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.

[roadien60]

OMG a neighbour kid, perhaps 13, has a cat she walks on a leash, and she has apparently recently acquired a skateboard she is beginning to learn to ride. She just skated awkwardly past my window—I cannot overstress that she is clearly very very new at this, she's not good yet but she's learning—with her cat happily lying across the back of her shoulders. The cat was in her usual harness and the kid was holding the leash, but there was nothing keeping that cat from hopping down to the ground. No, kitty was just like, "This is what we're doing with our outside time today, human? Ok, I gotchu 😸" and omg I wish I had the skills to draw a picture of this and share it with you but I don't The kid was wearing a pink helmet that matched the cat's pink harness and leash! I cannot even!

[fluorescentbrains]

seeing straight men be disgusted by booktok smut recommenders has actually radicalized me to the side of booktok smut recommenders. girls your taste may be atrocious but i will never disparage you for exposing mainstream discourse to the concept of soaking through your underwear. spent my whole life listening to men talk about penises it’s about time they get jumpscared by women talking about pussy in crude detail on social media. go forth and goon my warriors

[insomniac-arrest]

I work at a bookstore and hearing one of my male coworkers call smutty romantasy "the downfall of society" because it's "literally just porn" radicalized me

Men have an entire industry. Entire industries dedicated to their sexualities. Let women have fantasy sex. there's not even a camera crew involved.

[furiousfurious]

Left this in the notes

[insomniac-arrest]

😂

[goodattellinglies]

[komaedalovemail]

i fucking hated your shoelaces this entire time

[butterfirefly]

for the uninitiated

[incorrect-the-pitt]

[brothermouse-skeleton]

Stratt is the funniest bitch in the project on purpose. When she makes a joke she 100% meant to do that and she knows that it's the funniest shit ever, even if everyone is too intimidated to laugh.

Grace is the funniest bitch in the project by accident. He's used to being around kids so he's forgotten that filters are a thing and just says the first, dumbest joke that pops into his head. He has no control over it. Nobody makes him feel bad about it because they're afraid of what Stratt will do if they hurt his feelings.

Rocky is the funniest bitch on the Hail Mary because he's been alone in space for years and has probably gone insane, sane, and then insane again. He's 10-20% worried that Grace is just a vivid hallucination and treats him accordingly.

[hazard-symbols-that-fuck-hard]

just learned about farming simulator

I mean, I already knew about it, but I just learned about it

Did you know that the target audience for Farming Simulator is actual real-world farmers? Because I didn’t. I just assumed that farmers probably don’t want to go home from a day of farming to do some (presumably highly inaccurate) virtual farming?

Like, imagine if the target audience for Power Washing Simulator was actual professional power washers.

Farming Sim gets sponsored by companies and shit to put ads in their games. But since the game is for farmers, all of the ads target farmers. Advertising products that, realistically, only farmers would be interested in. Aka John Deere tractors and shit.

There’s a fucking farming sim esports league. Where do they play? Agriculture conventions. not gaming conventions. agriculture conventions.

[hazard-symbols-that-fuck-hard]

post cancelled this is way funnier

[loaf--of--toast]

My buddy who is a farmer has the type of planter that drives itself across the field using GPS at a steady speed, and he just needs to turn it around at the end of each row. He added a little folding desk to his chair and plays farming simulator on it while he plants.

[hazard-symbols-that-fuck-hard]

okay playing farming simulator while farming is crazy

[needsmoreexplosions]

[nudityandnerdery]

Look, people hate the real world and come home and play The Sims.

[tfemflightinstructor]

[surii]

BRENDAN FRASER as RICK O’CONNELL ODED FEHR as ARDETH BAY  THE MUMMY (1999) dir. Stephen Sommers

[lumsel]

There's an open pit in the middle of our office plan that drops down into a bunch of very sharp spikes that kill you instantly. This is bad. People keep falling in there and dying. Someone put a sign up, the other day, all bright yellow so you can't miss it, that says "Beware!!! Spikes!!!"

The office immediately split into two factions over it. One says that if anyone falls in the spike pit it's their own fault for being so stupid and not watching where they're walking, so we should remove the sign. The other says that the sign is an insult, there shouldn't be a spike pit in our office at all, and having the sign up like that is just normalising the existence of the spike pit, so we should remove the sign.

We ended up removing the sign. Probably for the better. Still... for a while there it looked like it might have worked...

[unusual-pybro]

[m1dori-eyes]

Nobody has ever been capable of writing a scathingly harsh and well formulated satire about the perils of modern capitalism, that doesn't just get immediately one-upped by some random food service worker talking about their actual week.

[pocketss]

distressing things to say to your friends

[monstrous-ideas]

Its been five years of it’s august and the flow of time still haunts me

[chujellys]

there's a family of local sandhill cranes that adopted an abandoned goose last summer and they're STILL together today even after migration.... i love them + they're local celebrities + nature is beautiful

[chujellys]

yesterday’s update… 📸 everyone is paparazzi when ur this famous…

[milesmesservy]

eco king car hater q CAN drive. people think he can't because he says "i don't drive".

dont get him wrong. he doesnt drive because hes morally politically and sexually opposed to feeling any sort of pleasure in cars and he started to really enjoy parallel parking and he was so disgusted with himself he walked out half way through the lesson. (he didnt even finish parking he just left the car at an angle to the kerb idling in first gear. they were on a hill his instructor was raging.)

he can drive and does take cars out on test drives in test facilities. he's pretty good at basic level stunt driving. he hates himself for it and it's the number one thing in his life where he genuinely wishes he wasn't such a control freak so he could comfortably delegate all car tasks to some petrol powered gearhead.

he says "i don't have a licence" and people are like "you're never too old to learn! i have a friend who just got her licence and she's 40!" and he's like. 🛑✋️ "i CAN drive. the GOVERNMENT doesn't WANT me to." and they go "but q you forge ids all the time. u have a fake passport that has your name, age, and gender listed as Q. what do you mean you dont have a licence????"

he seeds rumours that hes gotten so many DUIs the met called M up specially just to get people off his back

[hellenhighwater]

Mayhem has brought her bee full of drugs into the cardboard throne and it's safe to say she's having a good time in there.

[girlnumbers]

hi can we play staring and breathing together

[gunslingergivens]

JUSTIFIED + text posts (part 9/?) Givenson edition, the sequel

[the-tired-tenor]

So uh….some dude apparently recreated Adobe Photoshop feature-for-feature, for FREE, and it runs in your browser.

Anyway, fuck Adobe, and enjoy!

[adv3nturelust]

Give credit to the 30-year-old who worked on this for free and offers this service for free!

[marsh-mallow-adopts]

WHAT?!

[triona-tribblescore]

I study graphic design and my tutor recommended and used this in his classes at art college last year, it’s so good it has SO many features for free, I really recommend it, even if you’re just trying to learn the basics of PS, such a wonderful thing <3

[naamahdarling]

I use this and it’s fucken great. No bullshit. Really works. Sometimes the world is kind.

[jackabbot]

#the unofficial motto of tumblr dot com