but uncle owennn!!!

Nik | 21 | stuff n things (mostly heated rivalry until further notice) | i Love Cliff Marleau

[hollanoveau]

oh my god why did i just fucking realize. cliff marleau SAVED hollanov. ilya was hammering the nails in his own coffin and was gonna put in the final one THAT NIGHT after the game. his stupid ass was gonna end it. this is not communicated in the show but in the book he was about to pull the fucking trigger.

BUT THEN MY MAN, HEATHCLIFF MARLEAU, LAID SHANE HOLLANDER SMOOOOOV OUT WITH HIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BODY AND BROKE HIS COLLARBONE AND CANCELLED THEM PLANS AND SENT THAT COFFIN STRAIGHT TO THE WOODCHIPPER

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND SAY THANK YOU CLIFF MARLEAU!!!!!!!! WE OWE YOU EVERYTHING KING!!!!!!!!!!!

[hutsonwoolyums]

Whatever you do, don’t think about how long Shane could have just sat there in that stairwell after Ilya left.

[virginshane]

sitting there like :) feeling his butthole tingle.

[cloudabserk]

boob pillow

[cloudabserk]

[ilyapasta]

Assorted free-range headcanons about Hollanov at 45-55 years old:

Shane starts getting grays at 35, so by 45 he is a salt-and-pepper kING. It makes for a distinguished photograph on his memoir. He has a ghostwriter, obviously, how do you expect him to just sit and write all day? He writes the chapter about his and Ilya's rivalry though, only at the end of the chapter is he like "And we were married in the summer of 2021 with a honeymoon in Spain. He's the best person I know." after just a dry comparison of all their stats Pre-Centaurs.

One child. Boychild. Shane's genes and a Russian name. Conceived via surrogacy after Ilya retires first due to busted ass knee syndrome. Child enjoys hockey. Not great at it. Looooves playing the oboe in school band. Shane checks it out and AS IT TURNS OUT the oboe is a difficult, competitive instrument. They proceed with characteristic intensity, as if this was athletics. Son, you're gonna win at the oboe.

Ilya needs glasses. He just steals Shane's off his face and it's a whole ritual that ends in them kissing. Boychild is mortified every time they're trying to read a take-out menu.

Shane gets into hockey commentary/podcasting and is notoriously. Um. Not Nice. A lot of "What?? What did I say??" It's never personal though. Just about players' shitty game.

Ilya is Big. Chunky. He's glorious. Muscle that now has fat over it. Arms like tree trunks. Torso: round. 100% Naturalized Canadian Citizen Beef. Hair, everywhere. Shane must BITE to check it all out and make sure everything is in order.

Shane gets really into individual athletics- rock climbing, marathons before he also gets busted ass knee syndrome, biking, swimming, anything where it's like testing the limits of his body against himself. Ilya is like a "fifty push-ups every day keeps me in shape enough to fuck you right" kind of guy, but he joins in sometimes just to make Shane get furious with competition

New rookie/juniors player billeting every year once boychild goes to music conservatory so they build a whole separate wing for the youngsters so it doesn't interfere with empty-nest fucking

Once they hit 50 they do get up stupid early like old men do and have old man coffee shop time with David Hollander (professional boring old man) at their favorite diner. Shane really cherishes this time with his dad and makes it a point to do it as often as they can. Conversely, they build Yuna a mother in law house when David passes away (death comes for us all) and she becomes crazy hockey mom to all their rookies.

Add your ownnnnn

[bambicoded]

with how deeply physical their bond is, i don't think that hollanov ever bothered to develop a safeword. i do think, though, that they developed-- by accident!-- a physical system to tell each other how they are feeling. and it definitely bleeds into their life outside the bedroom, and it's definitely subconscious at this point, and it definitely makes it into the locker room and onto the ice by the time they're both in ottawa.

which means maybe the centaurs have picked up on the fact that hey, sometimes when shane wants ilya to stop doing something, he taps his arm twice. or if ilya wants shane to move one way, he taps him three times. or if he just wants his attention, its a squeeze. which is all relatively normal, and they probably think its cute that they have an unspoken language for communicating with one another.

and then maybe-- by accident!-- it starts taking root as a thing, and then mindlessly troy or wyatt or bood accidentally double pats shane's arm to get him to stop talking to ilya for a moment, and shane thinks for a moment, that was a weird coincidence, and moves on. but then it happens again, and then maybe luca squeezes his arm to get his attention and then bood taps him three times to get him to move aside so he can walk past and shane feels himself flush to the ears and catches ilya's eyes across the room and ilya definitely noticed that too. so now what? they can't full well ask them to stop without saying, hey, so this was a sex thing. but it'd be weird to let it continue... right?

[mrsbartlesby]

Ilya Rozanov when someone suggests playing “Never Have I Ever” at a Centaurs team party. Shane’s confused, but Ilya gives him the “we’ll talk about this later” look.

[omgshesblowinbubbles]

This perspective is killing me

[deletiaclementine]

“Come here” “no you come here” as they’re staggering across the room honestly it’s lucky these two fucking dweebs found each other so early

[hudconov]

“I can carry my own bag!” but he doesn’t really make a real effort to take the bag out of Shane’s hand because he loves the fact that Shane wants to take care of him and he’s secretly enjoying watching him do it

[lucylehane]

Jacob with some spot-on Ilya character analysis (and general thoughts on sex-as-self)

It's Open With Ilana Glazer

[wolvieispunk]

I loved this interview, yayyy a gifset!!

I think this is something lost on the audience in the show that is explicitly implicit in the books.

Shane thinks Ilya is a sex god bc

1) he is "better at sex" than shane

2) shane up to this point hasn't had a successful and Very Good sexual experience. He literally says once Ilya dick is inside him that he "finally understands why people are sex- obsessed." It has clicked, and his brain says its because of ilya, not bc he is gay

3) ilya is a whore so that translates in shanes brain to very experienced, good at it, therefore sex god

They tease back and forth that ilya has ruined sex for shane bc no one else will do, and while shane is embarrassed by this, he agrees.

In TLG it comes out that ilya has maybe been with like 5-10 guys at most. Personally i think its the lower end of that. He specifically says that men are a "rare treat," implying that 1) its safer to pull women (he really is terrified of being outed and shipped back to russia), and 2) he only pulls men when he is missing shane so much he cant stand it.

Shane has canonically been with 3 men. Two pulls he didnt care for, and ilya. Again, in his mind, ilya is the key, but its not inherently bc of ilya's skill, its because of their crazy deep connection.

I LOVE that Jacob said this, because its not so explicit in the show. You get little tells (ilya's "wow" at Shane's desperation and automatic submission; his quick orgasms in ep1 - he is just as overwhelmed and turned on as shane is; his face the first time he fucks shane, especially when he goes in from behind) but in the end, ilya is so desperate to please shane and make it perfect that he just makes it happen out of sheer willpower. But the second he realizes shane is coming untouched under his he makes way too much noise, bites his lips to squash it (embarrased, wants to be more in control than that), and immediately comes. Its not inherent skill, its attention and the overwhelming desire to please, mixed with a little control freak energy and genuine exhilaration at Shane's automatic submission.

[bugslibraryy]

Think of all the dumb flirting Shane and Ilya did when they finally got together. Like stuuuupid sappy in love hit that been swallowing down for years. Ilya walking into the kitchen after going for a run and kissing Shane’s ear and being like “I missed you so much” after being gone for less than hour. Ilya getting ready for a shower and Shane asking “without me?” Most importantly they do the whole ridiculous hand comparison thing. They are laying in bed, Shane sat over Ilya’s lap, hands playing as they chat. Shane flattens Ilya’s hand out with his own, presses their palms flat to each other, lined up and fingers fidgeting. And Ilya is like “your hands are so big” and Shane shrugs and he’s like I mean they are like yours and Ilya is like noo your fingers are thicker and longer, your palm is bigger too. And Shane is all like mmm I need them to be big my boyfriend has huge muscles he whispers and wiggles his eyebrows and it’s so stupid and corny and whatever Ilya is hard. Shane rides him with his hand gripping right to Ilya’s bicep, his other fingers pressed into Ilya’s mouth, wet with his saliva

[eemolu]

the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play

[academicblorbo]

See, "Shane walks Ilya like a dog" is what Ilya feels their dynamic is and plays it up. Meanwhile, Shane is very well aware that he is a meerkat that a cheetah grabbed with his jaws but never bit it and let it rest in the safety of his mouth forever

[bugslibraryy]

No but guys. I know this because I was there. Ilya gets a bad splinter in his foot and he’s all “shaneeee” big big sad eyes and pout and hoping around not putting any weight on it. “Shaneeee we have to go to hospital” and Shane is like oh my god get on the couch Ilya.

He gets out their first aid kit and he’s all 😠 serious kitten face as he cleans it and gets the splinter out and Ilya is all “what’s the verdict doc” and Shane is like “can’t be saved, we have to cut the whole foot off” in his flat voice as he’s pulling the splinter out and putting a plaster on it. Ilya nods seriously and says “ah. Ok at least is not my cock then 😕” and Shane is like “Ilya” as he leans down and gives Ilya a kiss over the plaster (despite it being on his foot, despite Ilya having been barefoot in the backyard the last few hours) and says “all better” his hand rubbing the top of his foot.

and then Ilya is all oh 🥺🤭🥰 “come here doctor I need a lot more kisses I think it’s working I think it’s healing me” and Shane huffs but goes to give his kisses- he doesn’t want to be done for malpractice after all.

[russianblush]

for season two i need ilya at hockey camp being followed around on the ice by a bunch of little kids in hockey gear like a mama duck and her ducklings while shane watches send tweet

[penandinkprincess]

cackling about the idea of the ottawa team doing challenges for social media because shane's first question would be, "how many did rozanov get?" and ilya's first question would be, "how many did my husband get?" because they want to beat anyone, but they ESPECIALLY want to beat each other

which means that over time, new challenges for each of them get prefaced with, "and your husband has not gone yet" or "your husband got X" because it is a GIVEN that they're going to want to know how the other did so they can try to beat him

and it's really just another point of evidence that at NO POINT did either of them ever consider letting the other person win ANYTHING

you think the motherfuckers locking the FUCK in to catch the most ping pong balls blindfolded are going to let the other win a deciding match for the cup?? be SO fucking for real

[scartafacci]

when they ask him if he’s looking forward to facing shane and ilya replies, “he is goalie now, yes?”, he finds if so fun, he just keeps doing it, and he’s obviously a bit more of an asshole about it every time.

“shane hollander? sorry, i don’t know the names of all assistant coaches.”

“shane hollander? the zamboni driver for montreal? does good job, sure, but i have seen smoother ice.”

“shane hollander? who is that? does he sell popcorn during the games so that he can at least watch from afar?”

“shane hollander? you mean the guy who has coffee cart outside the arena because selling iced drinks is the closest he will get to hockey?”

“shane hollander? of course i remember him. he is park guide now, did you know? yes that is the closest he will get to sticks.”

(to the journalist) “shane hollander? is that the name of your son? does he want my autograph?”

and of course ilya also knows that those answers will get him angry sex every time, so he feels very encouraged to continue.