The Curious Case Of Me

My life is kind of a soap opera and this is my soapbox for which I will vent about it.

[a-curious-being]

You know what?

I don’t give a shit if I’m Rick Rolled when I shuffle my music.

The Benny Hill theme song makes me giggle when it pops up.

Sometimes I scramble to change a song because it is WAY to vulgar for the situation.

But THE ONE SONG that makes me squirm, grimace and makes me question why I haven’t deleted it yet is this fucker!!

Mother fucking Undercover Love, from the Rock of Ages movie!! It’s the only song original to the movie and I fucking HATE IT!!!

At this point the only reason I haven’t deleted the whole album it as a hubris check, can’t fight God when this song shrinks my soul every time I hear it.

(I’ve actually created a playlist of the original songs!)

[a-curious-being]

This really fucks me up, but…

Part of the reason I don’t feel comfortable labeling myself with disabilities or as being “disabled”, is because I don’t have an intrinsically bad relationship with my conditions.

The main reason I struggle with self diagnosing certain stuff is because I don’t hate the symptoms I experience. Like, sure they can be obnoxious but most of the time I find them really fucking amusing! They can make me feel good in a, this is real, I’m experiencing something, I know others do too.

I also tend to be weirdly good at masking at random times? I think I functionally have “mask triggers” if that makes sense. Things that almost force the mask on, instead of triggering symptoms.

Oddly I think the only condition I have that I am fully comfortable self diagnosing is The Big Sad. Especially because after an episode I’m far to emotionally exhausted to feel shame and I’m just “ah yes. That fuckin happened, it was unpleasant and very real. Anyone who doesn’t believe me can go jump in a lake.”

Idk, I’m not criticizing anyone for being upset at having to deal with things that they find unpleasant. That’s not what I’m saying, because romanticizing things like depression, or Tourette’s can be damaging.

At the same time though it can be discouraging to feel like you can’t be part of a community because you appreciate, or cope with something in a way the community itself says is wrong or hurtful.

[a-curious-being]

Why are my players like this!

Me, first time DM, with vague outline for a campaign, and a fairly solid outline for the first session.

Players, my family, all new to DnD.

———

Me: *playing one of my favorite NPCs, whose a little weird, and really likes the party.*

Player 1: this guy is immediately suspicious because he’s being really nice.

Me: *slightly stunned because while I do have nefarious plans for the man he hasn’t done anything yet, but he’s also just kinda like that.*

———

Me: *enjoying being a dramatic little shit as the NPC.*

Player 2: “where did these strange objects come from.”

Me: “oh! How bizarre, I have no idea.”

Player 2: I don’t trust that.

Me: ok, can’t you roll a-

Player 2: Nat 20. “Tell me the truth, where did these come from!”

Me: *slightly stunned* riiight… ok

Me: *working out how to not fuck up my plans to much*

Me: so he leans over, “well you see dear. I left them.”

Player 2: “ok!” Moving on!

Me: *…internally confused that didn’t go further.*

———

Me: *still recovering from the last incident.*

Player 3: oh, wait wait, what if the weird friendly NPC is actually the crazy powerful magical creature that created the town!

(For the record I talked about said creature ONCE, via the most jittery little priestess you ever did meet.)

Me: *internally screaming because that’s EXACTLY WHATS HAPPENING!!*

Me: what? *just act confused this is FINE*

Player 3: yeah can you imagine? Anyway!

Me: *inhuman brain screeching*

———

And all this in session one! It was stressful! Leave me and my weird little man who might become an antagonist alone you heathens. I need you to like him first before I can rip your hearts out!!

[a-curious-being]

I Am The Eldest Child, But No One Told Me I Wasn’t The Oldest

Now in my immediate family I’m the oldest. In my extended family I’m in this awkward middle zone.

However the big statement isn’t about my family. No this is about my parents friend group.

Growing up my parents would hang out with this specific group of friends. Most of them had children, all of them 2-6 years younger than myself. I spent so much of my time hanging out with those kids, playing whatever games they wanted, helping them, making sure they were safe while the adults hung out. For the record there was anywhere between 2-10 of those gremlins (affectionate & derogatory) running around at a given time.

Hell, at one point the adults were in an indoor soccer league, and someone had recently-ish had a baby. So here I am, like 9 years old, watching a baby, and reminding a small herd of children to look before they pass behind the soccer goals so they don’t get hit.

I don’t learn until I’m 13, that the whole time there had been a group of kids who were at most 2 years older than me.

And I get it. I wasn’t the kid who had friends to hang out with outside of school, and I know for a fact all of them were. They had each other after all. So maybe they had things going on when the parents got together. Maybe their parents never dealt the need to make them come to those gatherings!

So what fucks me up isn’t that my parents have friends with kids my age. No, it’s that for 11 years I was regularly around those adults, and regularly around those younger kids, but genuinely had no fucking clue that there were kids my age.

There’s no real point to this… it’s just been bugging me on and off for a while.

[a-curious-being]

Me: [little brother] is going to be my villain origin story I swear to god!!

Mom: we’ll, you gotta get inspiration somewhere.

Me: *cackles of disbelief*

[a-curious-being]

For context:

He was saying a cantaloupe is a gourd.

I called bullshit because it’s a melon, and did a google to prove my point.

Turns out he’s not technically wrong??

I admit that they are gourds, because I know when I am wrong.

He doubles down, saying they aren’t melons?!

I try to explain why that is completely different and completely wrong.

He refuses to listen!!

We go our separate ways for this battle is not winnable.

[a-curious-being]

Me: [little brother] is going to be my villain origin story I swear to god!!

Mom: we’ll, you gotta get inspiration somewhere.

Me: *cackles of disbelief*

[a-curious-being]

So, about Technoblade…

I wasn’t able to watch the video til late last night.

When I finally did, I was getting ready for bed, already exhausted emotionally. It’s 20 seconds into the video and I get misty eyed. I go to my mom, who says she could do with a cry, and sits to watch the video with me.

We both cried. She said he seems like he was a good person.

I get to talk to her a bit about him, the charity streams, how long I watched for, his sense of humor. I mention his catchphrase, “Technoblade never dies!” and she looked at me and said, “he won’t.”

I was a bit confused, because emotionally exhausted brain. So she explained, “Alex died, but Technoblade will live on.”

This woman, who frankly knew nothing about Technoblade. From one video about his death, and how hard I was crying, could tell just how big of an impact he made.

She’s right too. He’s gone, there’s no changing that, but he won’t be forgotten, not in this lifetime, or the next. Not on Hypixel. Not on the smp’s. Not on Tumblr, or ao3. Certainly not on YouTube. Certainly not by us, his fans. Certainly not by his friends and family.

To his friends and family, I wish you the best.

To anyone reading this, I wish you the best.

To the man himself. Technoblade, wherever you are, you are missed, you will be for quite a long time. I wish you the very best.

Technoblade never dies.

[a-curious-being]

So Yesterday…

Last night was a rough one. I saw Technoblade had uploaded but I was at dinner with family so I couldn’t watch it. What I could do was look at my favorite hellsite to get the gist of it, and I wanted to because that upload name scared me. I kinda wish I hadn’t, because me and my brothers then had to do our best not to think about it.

Of course I can’t have peace though. During dinner I wound up calling out my aunt (dads side) for guilt tripping her boyfriends seven year old, just cause he reached across the table for chips, and didn’t say please. I’ll be the first to admit I suck at phrasing when I’m annoyed, but she spent the rest of dinner, not eating, not talking, and she actually moved to sit away from me.

She is genuinely pissed, and makes the decision that her crew is leaving. Not the restaurant, because we all drove together, that would be to mature. No, they had been staying at my family’s house, and she decided they weren’t staying anymore because I criticized her.

Mind you it’s almost 10:30 pm!! And they road trip’d here from several states away.

The thing she did that grinds my gears the most though is that she took out her frustrations on my mom. Who hadn’t actually seen what happened at dinner. She criticized my moms parenting, got annoyed when my mom got upset, and was just fucking rude. My mom isn’t confrontational, she cried.

So my aunt and crew leave. I actually get the chance to explain what happened to my mom. My fam (sans dad cause he’s out of state) wind up talking about it, and ridiculous and unhealthy that whole situation was, because we actually talk our shit out.

To cool down we all wind up watching an episode of umbrella academy. While doing so, I ask my mom if she could buy me a hoodie from Technos shop (I can’t currently buy things online). I wind up giving her the context around the video, which I still hadn’t watched. I can say I’m excited for August.

When we’re all getting ready for bed, I finally get the chance to watch the video. 20 seconds in I get misty eyed and go to my mom, who says she “could cry more” and sits to watch the video with me.

We both cried. She said he seems like he was a good person. I get to talk to her a bit about him, I mention his catchphrase “Technoblade never dies!” and she looked at me and said “he won’t.”

She said, “Alex died, but Technoblade will live on.”

It was a rough night, but I think things will be ok.

[a-curious-being]

Things I have done this morning:

Spent an hour or two finishing a 20 hour drawing

Watched a Grian swearing compilation

Washed of my makeup from last night

Things I have not done this morning:

Seen another living being that is not a plant

Eaten

[a-curious-being]

The urge to jokingly come out for the 386th time anytime you hear the song I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross…

But remembering you’re visiting your Christian family in Texas, and you’re already gonna be on thin ice when you dress chaotically for church tomorrow.

Side note: I’m sure they wouldn’t care, I just don’t remember how out I am to the people present, and I don’t need to have that conversation at the moment, to tired for that shiz

[a-curious-being]

I have the desire to scream, cry and/or cease entirely!

For now though I shall get very… high up ;) for like, the first time tbh, and see where that takes me!!

[a-curious-being]

I currently have three-ish projects whirring in my brain!

One that will take at least a year because arg go brrr, and takes a while to write/film/seed out the pieces.

One that will likely never be completed because its a story that takes the form of a comic/cartoon in my mind, and while i love drawing, i am not physically capable of doing a full comic at the moment.

The final is a fanfic that i am desperately trying to give a storyline beyond me projecting my need for a hug, and general abandonment issues onto Minecraft man!

[a-curious-being]

Nothing more fun than being one wrong move from flipping your shit

Then someone else makes that wrong move

Only for you to realize your anxiety won’t let you flip out unless it’s internally self destructive!!!

I’m having a shit day, but at least I’m here… right?

[a-curious-being]

Y’all ever just:

Me: *texts person who lightly traumatized me, two years post incident*

Person: *responds, and genuinely seems like a much better person*

We proceeded to talk a bit, I bring up my two partners at the time. Turns out Person and their partner want to try polyamory. We end convo on good terms but don’t really talk more.

Fast forward a few months~

One partner fades out of my life and I question if they ever actually considered us together.

Fast forward a few more months~

The other partner breaks up with me, and since they live with my literal one other friend, I am now very alone!

Me: *having existential crisis over what to do with my life seeing as it’s kinda crumbled at my feet*

My Brain: go hang out with people, before you do a stupid.

Me: bruh, who?! No one from school is really on “let’s fuckin vibe” terms with us!!

Brain: *presents Person & Partner, who I haven’t talked to in roughly a year*

Me: … fine, probably won’t happen tho

P&P: Hell yeah

Me: huh…

A few days later~

Brain: god damnit this isn’t what I meant!

Me: *half way in love with these people who keep asking for polyamory advice*

Me: I don’t know what we expected really…

[a-curious-being]

On this episode of what is my life, a famous sports ball player is at my house…

I don’t know sports ball. Mans has a security guard/driver person.

The only people I really know are my parents and aunt.

But like the food is fucking delicious!! So good!!

On an unrelated note European honey bees are so pretty, they look like sunlight!

[a-curious-being]

So like, the middle of the mega fan crowd, at a sports ball game, is really not the place to be if you have auditory processing issues and anxiety!!

One perk though I don’t think anyone will notice if I start stress ticing!

-me last night (this wasn’t posting at the time)

[a-curious-being]

Thanks for the fucking call out shuffled music!!

Literally the first song that came up, my depressed ass is doing great... lol