32 minutes before take off

To Young To Be Under This Kind of Stress - I Am The Physical Reincarnation of a Grasshopper

[lavenderprose]

Shane also needs to interact with other gay men just to understand how truly lucky he is. He needs to hear someone go off about going on Grindr to find a top for the night and then finding out that all of the guys who have the 'Hung' tag on their profile are packing like five and a half inches at MOST and then Shane has to be like "Oh that. Yeah that sounds rough." Meanwhile he lost his anal virginity to a knockout with model looks who works out for a living and started their relationship by jerking his enormous hog at him in a communal shower which has always been one of Shane's top five fantasies. And he's literally never had to be on The Apps because he's the bottom of all time actually and the DomTop with the enormous dick imprinted on him like a fucking duckling the first time Shane came untouched under him which was, I cannot stress this enough, when he LOST HIS VIRGINITY.

Like shut the fuck up Shane Hollander how does it feel to be the chosen one. He has to confront all of this because he needs to know that he has, once again, won at life in every meaningful way. And then he can sit there like :] while that sad bottom over there bemoans the Grindr biome.

[godlessondheimite]

A YA romantasy writer filed suit against another writer for copyright infringement, and as is always the case with these things, she padded her claims with delusionally spurious examples. The judge issued a 160-page ruling against the plaintiff where you can tell from the start how resentful they (or whatever clerk actually did the work) are to have been forced by duty to have read the works in question.

[shanehollandersautismswag]

inspired by @penandinkprincess talking about spaghetti the snake, i think shane would also really enjoy tortoises, maybe a sulcata because they get pretty big and live a looooong time. he would research absolutely everything he could before getting one, he’d have a large space outside for it to play in, he’d know exactly how to bury/refrigerate them during the winter, all of it.

he’d get one as a baby so he gets to watch her grow from fitting in the palm of his hand to weighing well over 100lbs. ilya loves naming stuff so shane would let him do the honors, i think he’d pick something cute like karena. ilya would be nervous at first that anya will think she’s a toy but once karena is a little bigger they become bffs.

they’d both be good tortoise parents, too, because even once she gets pretty large, they’d still be able to pick her up to take her inside/outside/to the vet, wherever. i’ve seen people have to use wheelbarrows or those big industrial moving cart/dolly things to transport large tortoises, but they could lift her easy peasy because they’re big strong hockey bros. big strong hockey bros who happen to dote on their massive shelled daughter like she’s a princess.

i also feel like ilya would be a bit more receptive to a tortoise than a snake, especially once he learns that they can feel you petting their shell (!) and that they can play with toys, not unlike a dog just. slower. because tortoise. ilya’s biggest concern about getting a tortoise overall would be who will take care of her when he and shane are both gone because she WILL outlive them (sulcatas regularly live into their 80s but some have even lived to be near 150 years old!), but he and shane find a really nice terrapin sanctuary in ottowa that agrees to take her in the future. so the terrapin sanctuary gets added to their will to make sure she’ll always have people who care about her around.

[helenvaughans]

stellan skarsgard knows ball

[dumbass-writer]

my Ilya and cliff have like Larry stylinson levels of rpf shipping about them so much so that when the fanmail leaks happen people are genuinely concerned about Cliff and his (for sure) broken heart

[shallswrites]

The Shayden vs Rozaleau shipping wars is so hilarious to me you have no idea. 😂😂

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

you know even aside from the VERY warranted criticisms of Joanne and her despicable politics I think everyone's been really wondering what the fuck there is to do with this enormous HP series on HBO other than beat more money out of the dead horse. like, what is there to explore that hasn't been covered by the generally well-received and inarguably iconic movies? what fresh interpretation of the story justifies all that?

and I do not have to hand it to them, but I will say that I never in a million years could have guessed that one of their hot new character reimaginings was going to be taking the head of the blood purity house, the guy who torments his students beyond reason on a regular basis, the guy who has a specific hate-on for the protagonist because he wanted to fuck that kid's mom, the guy whose hair and nose are frequently remarked on to emphasize that he's a unpleasant and creepy-looking motherfucker—never would I ever have guessed that anyone would have come up "hey, what if that guy was Black?"

and they went through with it! deranged! and you can't even chalk it up to any notable effort to diversify the series or anything; I've checked! this cast is still white as shit! as far as I can tell this is the only Black person employed by the entire wizard school! whole rest of the staff, white as hell. couldn't even pretend they gave enough of a shit to cast any other Black actors or other actors of color. just made the biggest shithead there a Black guy and patted themselves on the backs. truly everything Joanne touches is so seething with bigotry it's unreal.

[doyouknowwhatimeme]

[serenity-bitty]

reminds me of

the shellfish allergy NO NO FUCKING S HRIMP OR HE D IE post

[p1netre3s]

reminded me of this

[penandinkprincess]

corn snakes can live 15-25 years in captivity if they're well cared for, and now im thinking about ilya meeting spaghetti the snake. quick search says 2hr car travel is doable for a snake so I could see shane taking it with him to the cottage and this is where ilya first meets spaghetti in my mind. crucially shane never really told ilya about spaghetti so he finds out after they fuck. (bonus points if ilya finds the frozen rodents before he sees spaghetti. "hollander what the fuck do you have frozen mice for?????")

the idea of shane having a separate small fridge in the garage where he keeps frozen mice for spaghetti, but this means when ilya asks about it in passing while shane is looking for water shoes, he's distracted and just goes, "oh, drinks and spaghetti" and ilya just ??? you have?? freezer just for pasta????? actually no this sounds like a Rule you would make yeah sure why not.

but on day three they're napping on the deck, ilya wakes first, decides to get something to eat, and remembers there is A Spaghetti Freezer, and opens it to find??? fucking frozen mice?? oh my god he is out in the wild with a canadian serial killer????

[penandinkprincess]

significantly, ilya is on the yuna end of the spectrum when it comes to spaghetti. he'll tough it out because he doesn't want to look like a chicken and also it's clear that shane really loves this snake (for WHAT reason, hollander. is a snake.), but he and spaghetti live in a system of mutual avoidance. ilya doesn't go in spaghetti's room. spaghetti doesn't roam from shane's person when he's out. under such conditions is peace achieved.

[junkdrawertales]

If Spaghetti ever touched Ilya he would immediately become ilya's one-sided best friend because Ilya has soft, warm skin that Spaghetti would LOVE to sit on. Shane takes him out to clean his massive 120-gallon bioactive enclosure and add in some more springtail isopods (they help break down leaf litter. ilya thinks they're creepy orange nightmare sprinkles) so he says "babe would you please please please hold Spaghetti? It's only for a couple minutes while I wipe down the glass." Ilya can't deny him anything, so he musters up his courage and holds out his hands.

Spaghetti is all curled up and a little stressed out, since Shane so rudely removed him from his favorite piece of bark. But hey, this is nice and warm, and oooh, wow, that's a cave! Spaghetti likes caves.

In less than three seconds Spaghetti has slithered inside Ilya's sleeve. He is standing very still. There is a snake slowly wriggling over his armpit and he is not going to scream because he is So Incredibly Manly. The snake has flickered its tongue over Ilya's chest. He can feel its tiny snake nose poking around his nipple. If this snake bites his nipple he will make Shane sleep on the couch.

The snake climbs up to Ilya's neck and settles in a squiggly-shape on his shoulder, with its head peeking out of his collar. Shane turns around to put the disinfectant bottle away and pauses.

"Awww!" he coos. "You look so cozy!"

"Yes, he is very cozy." Ilya says. His voice is a little high-pitched. "Maybe he should go back now. We interrupted his nap."

"Oh, it's fine for him to be out a little longer," Shane says. "You're warm, he likes you."

"Well, it was rude to disturb him. Probably we should let him rest." Ilya says, trying to dislodge the invader from his shirt. Fucker. It's a good shirt and now he's stretching it out trying to evict a reptile. The things he does for love.

Shane takes pity on him and scoops Spaghetti out of Ilya's collar, then drapes him over a plant and shuts the enclosure door.

"You were very brave, babe." he tells Ilya, and kisses his cheek.

"I was not scared. I am very strong, very cool hockey player. It takes more than a little animal to scare me." Ilya lies.

"Sure, babe."

[utopians]

the avatar movies are crazy bc "what if colonizers literally inhabited and puppeteered the bodies of indigenous peoples in order to exploit their homeland" sounds like the premise of some sort of anticolonial horror film, like specifically the kind of thing that would be commenting on self-indigenization among white settlers, but because it's James Cameron his whole takeaway from that premise is "it would be preddy cool"

[utopians]

actually sorry. the takeaway is also "the white settler possessing an indigenous body would actually be extremely good, perhaps even The Best, at being indigenous, and he would become their Leader"

[wtf-scientific-papers]

Submitter comment: I'd like to submit this '[s]tudy of defensive behavior of a venomous snake as a new approach to understand snakebite' not for it's topic (worth studying!) but for it's insane methodology, which... well, I'll just let the researcher speak for himself:

[Q: Why did you decide to do this experiment?

A: Snake behavior has been generally neglected as a field of research, especially in Brazil. And most studies don’t examine what factors make them want to bite. If you study malaria, you can research the parasite that causes the disease—but if you don’t study the mosquito that carries it, you will never solve the problem. Up until now, the popular wisdom was that the jararaca would only attack if you touched it or stepped on it. But that was not what we found.

Q: Why did you need to be the victim?

A: The best way to do this research is to put snakes and a human together. In this case, the human was me. We put the snakes inside a ring on the floor of our lab until they got used to it, then I stepped in wearing special protective boots. I stepped close to the snake and also lightly on top of it. I didn’t put my whole weight on my foot, so I did not hurt the snakes. I tested 116 animals and stepped 30 times on every animal, totaling 40,480 steps.]

From the recent (aptly named) interview: Researcher steps on deadly vipers 40,000 times to better predict snakebites

[dragongirl-casca]

[answerpancakes]

I imagine Jax can't take off her overalls for a while, so she'd have to get creative

[calllynx]

Op turned off reblogs but I MUST

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

my family has had some pretty interesting encounters with psychics/mediums that seem genuine in the past, but nothing will ever be funnier to me than the last guy my mom talked to who was so definitely bullshitting, because she said "I was hoping to hear from my husband" and the guy went "he said....it's okay to Move On" and like. every single person my mom has recounted this too has been like "He Would Not Fucking Say That". as if this was an ooc fanfic about my father. it's just so fucking funny. fake psychic dude take your shitty headcanons about my ghost dad and LEAVE!!!

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

like, my parents were legitimately insane about each other. I cannot stress how much he wouldn't say that. I have to assume his ghost was standing right next to this fake psychic yelling "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" when he told my mom to move on lmfao

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

actually. funnier to imagine he was a Real Psychic who was just trying to put a move on my mom and didn't think the ghost would do anything about it and now is now dealing with a violently angry haunting for the rest of his days lmfao

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

this psychic for the rest of his life all because he tried to hit on some dead guy's wife in an elevator

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Ghost Dad: WE LITERALLY CHANGED OUR VOWS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T LIKE "TILL DEATH DO US PART"

Psychic: he says you need a real man. a tangible one. a man visible to the average eye.

[thequeeninyellowlace]

Psychic: I also choose this guy’s still-alive wife.

[teaboot]

TRIED TO COME UP WITH AN ON-THE-SPOT ANALOGY FOR BEING ASEXUAL AND THE FIRST THING MY BRAIN SHAT OUT WAS "IT'S LIKE A WAFFLE MAKER"

[teaboot]

Ways that sex is like a waffle maker:

1. Lots of people have one but you don't really think about it until they start talking about making waffles and you're like "oh shit they have a waffle maker"

2. Messy as fuck and you know what as far as I see it why even bother when you have pancakes, you don't need to bother with all those fluids and crevices with pancakes

3. WHY DOES EVERYONE AT THE WEDDING THINK YOU NEED ONE

4. Theoretically implied fun with whipped cream until it melts and starts soaking into shit

5. If you don't prep ur surfaces ur gonna have a bad time

6. It's fun in the kitchen but only on like special occasions cause again it's a pain in the ass to clean

7. ??? I prefer crêpes tbh I don't get it

[teaboot]

Looking forwards to celebrating the 6th birthday of the post I made to describe a stance I was assured I'd grow out of by 13

[strongermonster]

was visiting a friend who has a farm, and one of the chickens has a home made flared cone on, so i asked what was up with that and she said "that's diesel, and she's suicidal" so obviously i went ??? and she pressed the door lock on her truck fob so the truck beeped, and this dumbass bird SPRINTED full tilt across the garden to shove her head in the tailpipe. she has to be locked up and coned so she doesn't gulp down toxic fumes direct from the pipe for some idiot bird reason. she is obsessed with doing this and has to be locked up any time someone is using a vehicle.

[strongermonster]

i told her i posted about this and she has an update (which i guess content warning for animal harm [the animal did it to it's damn fool self])

she found this out the first time when she auto-started her truck to warm it up before work one below-freezing morning and came out ~5 minutes later to find (the then unnamed) diesel with her head stuffed in the tail pipe hanging limply by her idiot neck and thought that she was dead, ran over and pulled her out, and the chicken went "oh hi! anyways mind if i get back in there?" and did it a-fucking-gain??

best guess is bc she feeds her chickens with a pvc gravity pipe like this

and despite having ~40 other chickens who don't fuck this up, diesel went "food comes from tubes, this is tube, ∴ this is the ~secret~ food hole that the others do not know about. i will be rewarded with golden seed for being the cleverest of them all :)" and is now on 24/7 vehicle related suicide watch. fine line between docile and dumb sometimes.

[strongermonster]

my artists rendition of the morning in question

[closet-keys]

as a teen, i was constantly harassed by adults enforcing ''dress codes'' on me. I very much experienced this as sexual harassment. I think this is one of many cases where people would more easily understand this as sexual harassment if I described it as if it happened to an adult.

imagine being on your lunch break, and your supervisor comes over to your table, tells you to stand up in front of everyone. they draw everyone's attention to your thighs. they tell you that you have broken the dress code because of the length of your shorts. they tell you to go change (so you do not get the rest of your lunch break). they do this every single day at lunch. every day. so you read the whole dress code front and back, and you choose your clothing carefully to not break it. you bring a cloth tape measure with you to work because they will not believe you. this time when your supervisor tells you that you're breaking dress code, you pull out your tape measure and show that you are within the limit. your supervisor says "I bet you wouldn't want me to bring you to the boss and let him measure it, would you?" it's clearly a threat: if you don't obey then you will be put alone in a room with your boss and he will touch your thighs. you don't know how to respond. you're taken out of lunch again.

this was my experience at school. replace supervisor with "teacher" and boss with "principal." this was sexual harassment. fuck dress codes.

[bisexualhunterbiden]

Something that annoys me is the constant whining about "more queer spaces, more queer communities" but then they're immediately like "yeah! And we need ones that don't cost money or require a purchase!"

Girl that's exactly why they close down after a year. You NEED money to keep these places open. There's no magic Gay Money Pot with endless cash to keep these places open. It requires YOU to put your money where your values are!!

[bisexualhunterbiden]

Like there was a queer coffee shop in my city. Owned and operated by a bunch of LGBT people. Not a cishet on the schedule. Tons of young people raved about it.

And it made it about 2 years before shutting down completely. Because all those young people who begged for a place exactly like this would just show up, not buy a single thing, and leave. You cannot build a community without putting your money into it. This isn't about capitalism, this is just reality. You can't open a restaurant where no one buys your food. You can't have a gay bar that only serves 5% of the population and actively excludes everyone else. This is what I mean when I say people confuse "community" and "friend group." You're not obligated to spend money when hanging out with your friend group. But if you want a lasting community centered space, you need to open up that wallet.