I feel like fandoms (honestly all of tumblr) need to learn what "codependent relationship" means. There IS a difference between a codependent relationship and a relationship where people healthily depend on each other and i see it confused so many times it drives me insane.
First of all, I should clarify I'm basically paraphrasing what was taught to me by my therapist and bits of what I've read, I am not an expert on this, but I am very passionate about the subject. I nearly didn't survive a codependent relationship and my fear of ever depending on another person again was only overriden by years of therapy. I feel that the confusion between those two things end up shaming people because of their need for support and it turns us distrustful and fearful of searching for and asking for help from our close ones.
The biggest cause of this confusion, imo, is the name itself. Codependency alone is not unhealthy. We, as humans, are codependent, there's a reason why we form families, build cities, search for community and friendships, people are deeply dependent on each other to feel healthy and happy. Healthy families and friend groups could be considered codependent.
The problem actually arrives when that support isn't equally given or is forcefully demanded. A couple that supports each other equally, for example, will depend mutually on each other for the same aspects of their lives, whatever is given is equally given back, if person A needs emotional support, that support is given by person B, and if B needs support, that support should be equally given by A without feelings of guilt, being under duress or emotional manipulation. Basically, people in a healthy dependent relationship will give and be given support equally.
So when does a dependent relationship turn into an unhealthy codependent relationship? From the moment one person turns into a giver and the other one, a taker. In unhealthy codependent relationships, person A (the giver) feels responsible and/or culpable for person B's feelings, and person B will feel entitled of A's unwavering support and will often think of themselves and their own well being as more important or deserving of priority over A's, as well as their partner's family, friends, career, etc. The takers will often manipulate the other person and try to guilt them into supporting their needs first or even abandoning facets of their lives in favor of the relationship.
Basically, the term codependency in an unhealthy relationship doesn't mean two people who depend on each other equally, it means the giver is dependent on caring for their partner so that they feel worthy and useful while the taker is dependent on their partner's attention and care to feel whole.
Sometimes that isn't that cut and dry though, and people will exchange positions as giver/taker depending on the facet of their relationship. Ex: person A might be a giver sexually while B is a taker but B might be a giver emotionally and A, a taker.
No matter the circumstances, in a codependent relationship, someone will always be neglected in at least one facet of their relationship and then likely expected to provide support while not receiving it back.
So how do I know if I'm in/observing an unhealthy codependent relationship?
The givers will have feelings of guilt and responsibility for their partner's mental state, overriding their own feelings in favor of fixing things for their partner. This manifests as excessive apologizing and self-blaming even when the situation is out of their control, they might even manipulate situations in their minds to find blame for themselves and take it away from the other person.
Because one person feels solely responsible for their partners actions and emotions, they will often be tense and uneasy when in the presence of the other person. In my experience, I was very obsessed with every single movement and became an expert in knowing every telltale sign that things might be going south. Because I felt as if I was to blame for how they felt, I was constantly scared of doing something wrong, even unknowingly.
This one I feel people get confused with healthy dependency the most, so I'll try to explain the best I can.
In a codependent relationship, both partners feel that their emotions are tied to the other's actions and feelings, they no longer see themselves as responsible or independent in their own thought process as every aspect of their well-being is controlled by the other. For the giver, they see their own wants, needs, dreams, etc as less important than their partner's and will do anything for their approval and happiness.
This will manifest in taking a caretaker role and obsession towards their partner, usually the givers become so ingrained in the relationship they lose connection with their passions, personality, etc, instead only ever talking or becoming excited about their partner, as they only see themselves worthy in their position as carer for the other person.
For the taker, they feel that the giver is responsible for controlling their reactions, being constantly present and willing to support, and they no longer see themselves as responsible or able to control their own emotions without the presence of their partner. This will often manifest in demands for their partner's attention and anxiety, irritability or depression when they don't get it, need for control of their actions, time and company and excessive jealousy, not only towards possible romantic partners, but also family, friends and anyone that might be receiving what the taker sees as the love that only they deserve.
What AREN'T signs of a codependent relationship?
1. Suicidal thoughts or denial when a loved one dies (it's literally a VERY common symptom of grief)
2. People saying they'll die for each other. (I mean, it's kind of fucked up but tell that to parents everywhere. I feel like these thoughts just come to us when we love people a lot. I have them often with my best friends and my little sisters, feeling like you'd sacrifice everything because you love someone very much does not automatically mean codependent relationship)
3. Partners (romantic or otherwise) who depend on each other for emotional support over other people in their lives.
4. Partners (romantic or otherwise) who prefer each other's companies over others.
5. Depending on another person for emotional support that is freely given, as long as it is freely given back as well.
6. Wanting the company of a person you depend on when you feel emotionally fragile (given that it isn't excessive, and that the relationship doesn't already present any of the other characteristics listed above.)
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