ams

22 | she/they | writer ✨poetry blog✨

[amistillhere]

i need to rock back and fourth in a room and scream and cry. that would fix me

[amistillhere]

clinical depressive thought 1

nothing feels real or genuine everything feels fucking fake nothing means anything everything means nothing we live and we die for the world to keep turning im sick to my stomach but i throw up nothing i spend hours heaving to no avail im tired of never being able to see the point and tired of nothing ever eventually being enough to want to stay alive love is manufactured and fake and i feel tolerated rather than accepted communication is manipulation community is a fallacy and nobody i’ve dated has ever gotten me a birthday present if no one remembers it’s my birthday did i really have one if i never post my birthday was i really born am i still here if i dont publicly celebrate another year but do i even want to be here i don’t i want to be convinced that i do still want to be here so my jaw can unclench

[stardust-musing]

When Ray Bradbury said, "How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you?" And when Kafka said, "Forget everything. Open the windows. Clear the room. The wind blows through it. You see only its emptiness, you search in every corner and don't find yourself." And when Florence said, "I thought that love was a kind of emptiness and at least I understood then, the hunger I felt; and I didn't have to call it loneliness."

[amistillhere]

eldest child? no, eldest daughter. she’s never been a child in her life.

[amistillhere]

i am the loneliest person on the planet

it’s when your friends grow distant from you. and you make excuses for them because they never explained themselves. “they’re busy with school” “their family has a lot going on” you respect their privacy. you don’t want to annoy them. until you see their online posts. all of them together. meeting up in a restaurant. a reunion. everyone who seemed so busy has no problem leaving you out. not even asking if you were free. not missing your presence. and you wonder why. why was i left out with no answer? why do i get left behind? why does no one talk to me anymore? what did i do? what did i do? what did i do? what did i do? i have no friends. i’m no one’s first choice. i’m not even a last choice. i’m not even here. does anyone think of me? not about what i can do for them. but about how i’m doing? when will i meet people who think of me? who include me in anything? am i destined to be alone? why am i the worst person in the world? why won’t anybody tell me what i’m doing wrong? nobody’s here.

- amistillhere

[amistillhere]

my love was loyal, at the price of my sanity

- amistillhere

[amistillhere]

you say i shouldn’t bottle it up inside? does that mean you’ll hold me in your arms when i cry?

- amistillhere

[amistillhere]

i envy how fast you moved on. i wish i loved you less

- amistillhere

[amistillhere]

it was when my dad said “a 9 to 5 job isn’t the future” and the verve said “you’re a slave to money, then you die” and dolly parton said “you’ll spend your life putting money in his wallet”

- amistillhere

[amistillhere]

you don’t need her anymore

but the colour’s back in her face

you don’t need her anymore

but she’s 10 months into recovery

you don’t need her anymore

but now her head is calorie free

you don’t need her anymore

but she’s learnt that she has beauty

you don’t need her anymore

and she’s finally accepted her relief

because you needed her more

than you would like to believe

the magic’s long gone but her mind’s finally clear

you don’t need her anymore but she’s still her(e)

- amistillhere

[amistillhere]

now i’m finally at that stage, the stage i couldn’t believe you reached, where i don’t care whether you live or die

- amistillhere