Really one of the coolest things ever is how easily you can shape your non-volitional responses by choosing to respond in a certain way.
Like, if right now you don't make any noises in response to sexual stimuli or pain or whatever, that's fine. I imagine you might even have some trauma to work through. An environment you needed to be quiet in, a belief the sounds you did make were inappropriate, or some other taboo against noise.
But, you can change yourself. Rather easily, too. Just start making the noises you wish you made. It'll feel silly at first. Well, maybe it'll feel hot at first, too. I highly recommend perceiving it as hot. But it'll feel performative in any case.
And if you keep going, it'll become automatic. You'll shortcut the process. You'll forget to notice the intent. Learn to use it and use it without thinking. And eventually you'll have to stop yourself from not using it.
Plenty of the time it's actively beneficial too. Helps with pain tolerance, and I'd expect other kinds of sensitivity too. You're a social animal, it's comfortable to perform a social component. It's useful to do so for just your own mind.
I love lying to my landlord. “We’re currently looking at a comparable unit in the area at $[a hundred dollars less than our current rent]/month, so if your offer has any flexibility to come down on the rent, that would help us reach a decision about whether or not to renew our lease here” and the comparable unit exists only in my own beautiful mind
Actually, no! And since several people have replied asked for my script for negotiating lower rent, I’m gonna share that below, as well as the philosophy behind it. Full disclosure that I’m not a leasing office person or a realtor or god forbid, a landlord—I’m just someone who has been a renter for 10+ years across different states, and I know for a fact that I have saved myself thousands of dollars by successfully negotiating a lower monthly rent on almost every lease I’ve ever signed. (Also, I’ve only ever rented in the U.S., so this advice may not be as applicable elsewhere.)
Step 0: Know Thy Enemy
The key thing to understand about all residential landlords, whether they’re corporate conglomerates or Just Some Asshole, is that their asset—the property—is a Cinderella carriage that magically turns back into an expensive ass pumpkin of a liability any time it’s sitting empty. The property taxes, insurance, mortgage, HOA fees, and maintenance costs all still come due every month/quarter/year whether they have a tenant to cover it all and then some, or not.
Because of this, at the end of the day, their ultimate goal is to fill every unit at all times with someone who will reliably pay the rent on time and in full. And because everything else is secondary to that goal—and because with the exception of Just Some Asshole landlords, the person responding to your emails and writing up your lease paperwork is several degrees of separation removed from the shareholders who profit off your rent money—they’re almost always willing to negotiate with you. As long as it gets the liability converted into an asset faster or keeps the carriage from turning back into a pumpkin for longer, then in the long run, it’s actually in their best interest to give you a better price.
Step 1: Identify Your Leverage
If you understand how supply and demand works, you can figure out how much leverage you have pretty easily. High supply and low demand = you have more leverage, and vice versa. Do they have an “AVAILABLE NOW - MOVE IN TODAY” sandwich board on the sidewalk or a web banner that says “First month free”? Does their website and/or Apartments.com show a bunch of currently open listings? Do you already live there and know at least two families on your floor have moved out in the last several months with no one new moving in to replace them? These are all indications that they have more than one unit currently sitting empty, meaning higher supply and lower demand. No sandwich board and a website that just says “call for availability”? They might just suck at marketing, but more likely, supply is lower and demand is higher.
You have the least leverage if you’re a prospective tenant looking to move in somewhere that has a waitlist. They have no reason to offer you a discount if six other people are already in line to pay full price for apartments that aren’t even vacant yet (but you can still ask!). You also have no leverage to negotiate if you’ve already signed a lease and you’re in the middle of the lease period; you legally agreed to pay $X/month for Y months, so you’re stuck with that until the lease is up.
At the other end of the spectrum, you have the most leverage if you’re a current tenant who has always paid your rent on time and you’re being offered a renewal on your existing lease with higher rent than you're currently paying, especially if they already have some units that have been empty for a while. If you move out, not only is your unit going to sit vacant for at least part of a month, they’re also probably going to have to put in some work to “turn” the unit (repainting, professional cleaning, etc) to get it in move-in condition for the next tenant.
All of this means that if you move out, even if they can fleece you out of your security deposit and find a new tenant the very next month, it’s still gonna cost them at least a few thousand dollars to turn that pumpkin back into a carriage again. They’re probably willing to come down by $100-$200/month or so on the renewal offer rent if you ask, because they know it’ll actually save them money in the long run. Similar situation if you’re a prospective new tenant—if they can’t get you or anyone else to sign a lease and move in this month, that’s $[whatever the monthly rent is] down the drain, and they’ll never get it back. It’s a perishable item about to spoil.
Step 2: Get Their Opening Offer
This is the first number they’ll quote you for the rent—the sticker price that you’ve always just accepted as set in stone. The truth is, they’ve built some buffer into that number. There’s almost always some room for them to come down, and depending on your leverage, they will if you ask nicely. But for reasons that baffle me, most people don’t!
Step 3: Wait, Research, & Counter
Don’t reply to their initial offer right away—unless there’s a waitlist (in which case, you have little haggling power anyway), wait a few days. It makes them sweat a bit, and it shows you aren’t desperate. The person who is rushing to reply is not the one who has more leverage in the negotiation, and making them wait reminds them of that. In the meantime, use Apartments.com or Zillow to get an idea of what similar units in the same area are currently going for. Then you come up with your counteroffer.
As a general rule, anything more than about 20-25% below their opening offer (or below market rates) will probably just piss them off or make them take you less seriously. But when we’re talking about your monthly rent over the course of a year or two, even a 10% discount adds up to a lot of money!
When I negotiated our original lease for my current place, I also asked for and got a two year lease term instead of the standard one year. But whatever automated calendar event system they use to remind their leasing office staff when it’s time to send out renewal offers didn’t get the memo about that, so they mistakenly sent me a renewal offer the following year, meaning I got to see how much they would have jacked up the rent if they could’ve. For that second year of the lease alone, my negotiating saved us $3,000!
Step 4: BDE (Big Dick Emailing)
Here’s the tricky part. You need to write an email—always negotiate over email if you can, it’s too easy for a salesperson to bowl you over on the phone and anything they say that isn’t in writing means nothing—which simultaneously makes it sound like you would sign a lease with them in a heartbeat and like you are actively flirting with five other apartment complexes right now who all want you so bad it makes them look stupid, because you are just so sexy and fun and your credit score is eight inches flaccid. You need to make them believe you are both highly motivated and ready to sign on the dotted line and willing to just walk away from the table at any second, but if they could just come down a little bit on that number, you’d delete those other hoes’ numbers forever! Here’s the rough script I use every time:
“ Thank you for [your email/the tour/sending over the offer letter/etc]. I have had a chance to review and consider it. I think [name of apartment complex] would be the perfect fit for me, but I am also exploring and touring other options in the area, including a comparable unit nearby at $[a little below your counteroffer number]/month.
If we could come down to $[your counteroffer number]/month on the rent, I would be prepared to sign the lease today. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks! "
Step 6: You Win Either Way
Sometimes they really do just accept your counteroffer without question and send you over a revised lease to sign. (When this happens, I make a note for next time that my counteroffer was probably too high and I should’ve asked for more!) More often, they get approval from The Powers That Be and come back with a number that’s higher than your counteroffer but lower than their initial offer. Assuming I can afford it, I always accept this offer; you’ve achieved your goal of saving yourself money from sticker price, and they’re likely to lose patience if they have to keep going around and around with you. And sometimes (though only very rarely), they may come back and say the price is firm—in which case, guess what? You still didn’t lose anything by asking!
THIS!!! Exactly this. I didn’t mention it above because I just couldn’t fit it neatly anywhere, but once while negotiating a lease renewal, I got as far as receiving their counteroffer, which was basically “price firm :(”, but then life happened, so I forgot to respond and accept. The email sat in my inbox for a week. And then, completely unprompted, they magically replied again saying, “actually, nvm, how’s $[number that is lower than our opening offer] sound?”
To them, it looked like I was staring them down cold as ice like
I was literally just busy with other stuff! and they were sweating!!! BULLETS!!!
let me make your favorite food and get our drinks ready (you won't know if i put anything in them). wasn't it so much work trying to maintain your life all by yourself? wouldn't it be nice to let go? let me take care of you, you don't need to take care of yourself anymore (not that you'll be able to anyway). don't worry about feeling so fuzzy. let me brush your teeth for you. open wide. don't mind how hard i grip your jaw, i need you to hold still. keep your eyes on mine, that's good. you don't have to be responsible for it anymore, any of it, isn't that nice? now yes, i am going to hurt you, but only because you're so cute and because it makes me so happy. you want to make me happy, don't you? of course you do. i'll tell you what a good job you're doing. i'm so proud of you.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the expression in its eyes when it's locked in place beneath me by my legs around it, both arms pressed away by my left arm, and with my right hand I have a good grip on the base of its hair forcing it to look up at me, and I force a deep kiss but pull away before it can really get into it. And I then can see in its eyes that mad half-lust, half-mischief looking up at me and calculating. Yet still so under my control that I can do whatever I want with it.
Generally if you want someone to feel like you're attracted to them I think there are few things more important than casual contact. Place your hands upon their body either actively or passively and let them feel your desire. Spontaneity is of course useful but even if you ask for permission every time. Physical touch is just so very important.
tgirl advice: sometimes you will ask a girl to do something and she'll get that look in her eyes. you can instantly tell she's no longer talking to you and is instead talking to brain ghost mom, who wants exactly what you want but in a much more roundabout and dangerous and socially fraught and manipulative way. if you flirt with her during this time something really interesting might happen
tgirl advice: if you want to instantly send her under your spell forever and become a divine entity of biblical significance in her worldview wait for one of those vulnerable moments and then walk forward, making eye contact, slowly raise a hand, put it on the back of her head and start gently running your fingers through her hair. use your other hand to tilt her chin up to look at you and say in a low voice, sweet and warm and resonant with just a hint of hunger, that she's yours now and she never has to worry about a thing again. if her eyes are fluttering, congratulations! you have adopted a dog. and THEN punch her in the stomach for something really REALLY interesting
A trap I tend to fall into with scene play is feeling like I need to constantly escalate and find bigger and better ideas to keep things fresh and exciting.
Honestly the effort should be on diversifying the portfolio and ensuring that the expected baseline is something that is comfortably within all participant's flavor profile so that when escalation is requested or required it is a novelty.
Every time I push myself to new heights I tend to want to raise the bar. Eventually that will push the base comfort of play outside of the agreed upon comfort zone and lead to less desire to play as the comfort and effort required are more than they should be.
The best way to prevent this is to focus IN the box and have some ideas for out of the box for when you're feeling up to it.
And when you constantly play to an extreme, it makes that extreme less impactful or special, too!
Saving those extremes of what's in the negotiated playspace for specific moments heightens the impact on your partner when they realize that's where you're going with the scene (whether that happens in negotiation or in-scene, depending on pre-negotiated approaches to play. Some folk negotiate out all the details before each scene, others have a "this stuff is all on the table, let's see how it goes" agreement, etc)
the escalation impulse also works against maintenance play and relationship building.
always doing something new and exciting doesn't always give preexisting play room to breathe, and leaves things that could be explored further, or simply enjoyed as is, on the table. it leads to a point where playing with someone becomes boring because there's nothing new to do, and if handled badly could lead to hurt feelings and a sense of abandonment that could put someone off that kind of play.
there's no point in triggers or training or conditioning if it's just going to be set up and then never used, and it doesn't build anything enduring with someone.
It's important for it to be okay to get to a level of intensity that brings satisfaction, and for it to be okay for things to stay *as intense* or *get less intense*
There's a lot of bullshit in hypnosis. We need a lot of bullshit in hypnosis.
I'm not comfortable with this. It goes against my instincts to say this. But hypnosis is not a science, even though it can be studied and analyzed scientifically. At it's core, hypnosis is a framework for bullshitting people, and and you can't bullshit people without bullshit.
I mean, you can. A hypnotist who didn't use a fancy induction, indirect suggestions, double binds and reflective language could still hypnotize someone and have them following suggestions. It just doesn't make for great entertainment.
For performative (street/stage/kink) hypnosis, you need the audience to be entertained -- not just the onlookers in stage and street hypnosis, but also your hypnotee. You need bullshit. You must assume the mantle of the Hypnotist, and use all the trappings that people associate with hypnosis. At the same time, playing the role of the hypnotist enables you to perform and act in ways that you would not feel comfortable behaving in your daily life. For new hypnotists, using the language and the techniques can act like Dumbo's magic feather as they transition from using scripts but are not confident in their own voice. The performance of a hypnotist and a hypnotee is kayfabe, a shared fiction that everyone makes real.
The law of kayfabe means that regardless of how scientifically valid or transparently meaningless any particular hypnotic technique is, it all has to be treated as real. The flourishes and extra steps involved are all performance first, and trying to break them down individually and determine which bits are meaningful is like trying to break down what turns Dwayne Johnson into The Rock. And whenever hypnotists analyze a stage performance and try to provide commentary on a particular hypnotic technique, it's about as realistic as Jim Ross doing a play by play.
This doesn't stand out so much in a first meet scenario, where neither hypnotist nor hypnotee really know each other. But when you have a well established relationship with a long term hypnotee who is a "high hypnotizable" or even a virtuoso, the nature and value of hypnotic bullshit becomes apparent. Because anything and everything will work. Anything and Everything.
There's a moment in time when you realize that your partner can just do stuff when you tell them to. You can tell them to drop into a trance and they'll drop. You can stick their arm to a wall and it'll stick. You feel like a god. And then you realize that every single hypnotic technique you've learned, every carefully rehearsed abracadabra is as meaningless as a cosmopolitan sex tip. Anything and everything will work. You could order a full body orgasm like you were ordering a subway sandwich and it would happen.
This breaks kayfabe, of course, and is also deeply unsatisfying to most people. A climax on its own is empty and loveless, like meat without salt. The hypnotist's vaunted illusion of mastery of control is revealed as a sham, and the hypnotee feels cheated. This shows the underling scaffolding of hypnosis, and why hypnotic techniques exist even though they don't do anything.
There's a game called Mornington Crescent. The rules are simple. You can pick them up from listening to people play on Radio 4. You can ask players for the ruleset and they'll happily tell you about the different variations, the Tudor Court Rules or how to put other players in Nidd. There's even videos on how Mornington Crescent has evolved and the new techniques and innovations that the masters are coming up with.
It is all complete bullshit. The way to win at Mornington Crescent is to say "Mornington Crescent." In a game with multiple people, everyone takes turns and the person who says "Mornington Crescent" first is the winner.
Everything that anyone has told you about the rules of Mornington Crescent is bullshit. The bullshit is absolutely vital to making a good game of Mornington Crescent. Kayfabe says that you must act as if the rules exist and they matter because everyone knows that kayfabe is the only thing holding the bullshit together.
It's very easy to win at Mornington Crescent, but the underlying point of Mornington Crescent is to win with style -- playing in such a way that the win is satisfying and feels earned. The guide on how to win at Mornington Crescent says that a win is attached to a payoff function F which depends on the number of moves, and a win on the first move.
So a revised ruleset:
Each player in turn says the name of a London Underground station, chosen freely from the list of all possible stations (without repeating earlier choices, but as there are 270 such stations this is not usually an issue).
The first player to say "Mornington Crescent" is the winner. If this happens on the nth move, then the pay off to the player is F(n).
The payoff isn't in the execution of the suggestion, but in the staging and execution of the scene. There's anticipation and a build up of tension as the game progresses. Every move is an opening and increases the risk of something going wrong. In Mornington Crescent, the risk is that another player may immediately end the game, or claim a rule that would make your win look inelegant, by putting you in Nidd or suggesting that you have to traverse different stations. As in improv, you're not allowed to simply deny or ignore the rule, but must make your own claims to muddy the waters and put them on the defensive.
Hypnosis is like Mornington Crescent.
In a hypnosis scene, the risk is that a phrase or suggestion may not land right and destabilize the scene. Your partner, as the hypnotee, is both judge and co-player. Your performance has to feel real, and the more real it feels, the more they'll respond. Hypnotic suggestions build on each other not just to establish compliance and plausibility, but to increase the payoff function. Hypnosis is a story.
The end result of this is that there isn't a magic hypnotic technique that you can copy to become a master and impress your partner, just like you can't learn the rules of Mornington Crescent. It's all fake, and it's all real. Find the scenes, personas, and techniques that make it work for you and your partner, and focus on the payoff.
P.S. I had not seen Hypnosis doesn't require kayfabe before I wrote this but also extremely relevant.
It'd be kinda cute to like, after a nice long session of brainwashing, have a sub go post somewhere in the manner of a "today I learned," type explanation about all of the thoughts they have that they didn't before, all the little conditioning they've been given shown off to everyone willing to listen as if it were the most normal thing in the world.