The Last Place Expected

At Least It's  A Surprise.

[yienbread]

hal jordan’s got a hot date… BUT WITH WHO??? (carol?? bruce?? who knows) (but it’s almost most definitely bruce LMAO)

guys PLEASE look at the suit it took me the longest time esp the pinstripes!! ok maybe don’t look too closely cause it’s a BIT of a mess

kyle next????

[artbyblastweave]

Easily the most annoying kind of vampire in the world are the ones where you finally corner the fuckers and when you're going in with the stake they start spouting off sociology 101 bullshit to try and weasel out of it. "Oh, no ethical consumption under capitalism," "oh, the rich are the real vampires if you think about it-" yeah, yeah, you ate like fifty homeless people, asshole. Hold still

[dialectrician]

Okay but if you aren't a vegetarian your case against vampires is actually pretty weak.

[artbyblastweave]

I SAID HOLD STILL

[nerdicornthetrekkie]

[gamechangershow]

Sorry but it's not complete without...

[gobigorgoextinct]

Steve Irwin in a Jaeger would be entertaining.

Look over there. There’s a Catergory 3 Kaiju. Biggest one yet. 

Ah’m gonna wrassle with it. 

[owl-recluse-deactivated20150626]

#yeah but who’s his drift partner. a crocodile. just a crocodile. its not a special or humanoid croc its literally just a croc strapped in.

[lledra]

[frauleinninja]

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I’VE REBLOGGED THIS BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT HAS IMPROVED EVERY TIME

[mothnem]

Croc Brain: Bite and death roll.

Steve Irwin: Bite and death roll it is mate!

[nuclearfaggot]

oh man. oh jeez

[haveihitanerve]

The most crucial element of the BatLantern relationship is that Hal has to have beef with at least one of the batkids- whether its genuine or more on the joking side, this man genuinely needs to Loathe A Child. Its a necessary element of his being in love with Bruce

Bruce and Hal start dating early and Dick has a sticker in his chart that says “Does Not Play Well With Others”? Fuck yea. Dick is screaming obscenities at him, Hal is screaming them right back. He has genuine fucking beef with an eight year old. “Hal, he’s eight.” “Yeah, and he’s about to learn how aerodynamic that makes him. Hey fuckhead wanna see the sun up close?” “I’d like to see you try, wannabe glow stick!” “Oh you little rat fuck-” “Hal-” 

I can’t see Young Jason having problems with him but Adult Jason and Hal would genuinely draw each others blood. Hal is a Husband first and Step-Father second- he has no patience for Jason and his Red Hood vendetta and guns and anger. He understands where its coming from but he will not let Jason take his insecurities and unwarranted aggression out on him and Bruce, not a fucking chance. Until Jason takes off the mask and drops the guns, Hal is relentless and unflinching on that point. 

Tim and Hal have a rivalry based exclusively on their jealousy of each others Allotted Time Spent With Bruce. Hal is coming home from a long space mission and all he wants is to have Bruce wash his hair and then fall into bed together and not emerge for the next week. But when he staggers in the door Tim has accidentally fallen asleep on Bruce’s lap and Bruce cannot move if one of his kids is on top of him so Hal just has to settle for a quick kiss and go wash his own hair. Bruce is making Tim breakfast in the kitchen and Hal comes up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist, kisses his neck and drags him away. Hal and Bruce are sitting on the couch being Cute and Tim rushes in, wedges himself between them and starts talking to Bruce about his day while kicking Hal back. Hal has resorted to locking Tim in Air Jail with his ring to get some alone time with Bruce, and Tim has resorted to outside sources to keeping Hal occupied. Or rope. 

Hal and Damian honestly I can see them having Problems early on, but I think Damian is actually the first one of the kids to accept Hal. (if you saw my headcanon saying that Damian is the last one to accept Hal shhh no you didn't) Damian doesn't think he’s worthy of being with his Father and Hal thinks Damian is an arrogant little shit head. Dick and Hal vibes. He sticks out a foot to make Damian trip as he’s running past. Damian stabs him with the craft scissors when Bruce asks Hal to help him with a school project in a desperate effort of having Bonding Time. Its glorious

Hal and Duke are my favs. Duke is BatLantern’s love child and I will die on that hill. Duke is merciless and will not back down. Hal physically cannot stay away from a challenge. “You're so in love with him you look ridonkulous.” “Please never fucking breathe in my direction again.” 

Hal and Steph have a petty rivalry and it gets Serious a total of one time because Steph refuses to accept that she does actually care for Bruce Like That and it pisses Hal off because then that means she has no rights to hate on him or have this rivalry with him in the first place because she’s not his kid and he only has this relationship with bruce’s kids- but then after the Serious Argument it goes back to being fun. Prank wars and petty bullshit. “Who filled my entire apartment with water and made it an aquarium?” “I wonder who.” “Hal I cannot fucking get to school.” “Damn. should've thought of that before you bedazzled my ring.” “You bastard-” 

Hal and Cass have a one sided rivalry and by that I mean both of them think they're crazy. Hal thinks Cass would like to murder him and Cass think Hal hates her. Hal’s hanging out with Bruce and cuddling him and Cass just appears at the foot of the bed and Hal screams so loud the bats in the cave fly away and falls onto the floor before running away because clearly Cass wants to spend time with Bruce and who is he to get between them hahahaha- hes not that suicidal. Cass sees this and is like :( he hates me. Hal is just scared of her. But they get over it and its lovely. Cass gets two girl dads

Hal and Barbara are flinty eyed and don't have a rivalry they have genuine beef. Hal is doing a mission and all of a sudden the cameras that hes switched off are back on and now hes running for his life. Barbara is sitting in her living room reading a book and then suddenly shes two miles away without her wheelchair. Barbara hugs Bruce on his wedding day and mouths that she laced his piece of the wedding cake to Hal over his shoulder. Hal wraps a gag around her mouth with his ring during the “if anyone objects speak now or forever hold your peace” time comes.

Anyway. It's important Hal has Beef with at least one or all of the Batkids. Its just a part of being in a relationship with Bruce- he has to Loathe A Child.

[asparklethatisblue]

children of any species are very good at being annoying and very cute while doing that

a sphinx child based on this post

[mlerpwonders]

All my haters become aligators when I activate my gatorinator.

[mlerpwonders]

you laugh now, but when my gatorinator is ready, it's all over

[peregreen]

[mlerpwonders]

update:

transmogrifying my haters into an animal that is known for something called the "death roll" has backfired in a manner no one could have forecasted

[peregreen]

[mlerpwonders]

Having taken stock of the situation, it's not as bad as I originally thought. It's not like these crocodilians are an urgent problem, much less a representation of my own mortality. There's no ticking clock here.

[peregreen]

well now you're just doing this on purpose

[mlerpwonders]

I think that's the highest tags forecast I have received so far.

[stargazingdustbunny]

Posts that have 100k gators to me.

[mlerpwonders]

Actually there are only 5 gators in my post, but it is an understandable mistake.

[stargazingdustbunny]

Now there are 100,005 gators on this post

[mlerpwonders]

...

You know what? Good job.

Other people said this post had thousands of notes in their mind, but only contributed two notes.

You? You said that it had 100k gators to you.

And then you did it.

+1 respect point.

[paulgadzikowski]

now that's what i call a

gator aid

[awwnutbunnies]

Take a look at Gators Georg here.

[stardustpainter]

Ilya trying to outplay his demons

[ok-notgood-probablybad]

this means more to me than it should

[argillaforma]

yeah yeah ilya is a big strong russian man who can break your skull on and off the ice but don’t forget that man is also a Diva™️ he is using eight different hair products and he has shit talking sessions with svetlana while cuntily smoking cigarettes and he clocks everybody’s tea and he loves ugly designer clothes and his hips sway like a pendulum when he walks and if there’s one thing he’s gonna do it’s be dramatic about it

[lavenderprose]

To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.

[themoonandmyman]

baby Ilya’s tiny angry Russian ranting when Irina won’t let him stay on the ice and his cheeks are all bright pink and his little nose is wet and he’s plopping down onto the ice and crossing his arms and yelling NYET NYET NYET.

Across the ocean at the exact same time, the exact same thing is happening to a very exhausted Yuna Hollander.

[littleewhitelotus]

i just HAD to draw this

[rainbow-femme]

Oh shit wait ok

So one year for charity different pro athletes get asked to participate in a live game based on one of those “how well do you know your partner” games but instead it’s “how well do you know your rival” and participating means you get to raise money for a charity of your choice and obviously Shane and Ilya want to promote the Irina Project so they agree and go up against other current famous rivals from other sports

And Shane and Ilya discuss ahead of time that obviously they’ll have to just play things off as they usually do, light hearted chirps back and forth and what not, “winning” is just for the show and won’t impact how much money gets made for their charity so it doesn’t matter. Except then they get there and become overtaken by the need to Win and Be the Best and they are the best. So without needing to discuss changing the plan, as soon as the questions start they lock in and decide that actually they have to demolish everyone else

The other rivals are laughing and making jokes at the questions but Shane and Ilya are deadly serious and the host starts to get a little weirded out by the fact that they actually know the answers and aren’t just saying things like “how many goals last season? Probably one less than me haha” and actually have each others stats memorized

Because the audience is loving it they go to a lightning round that’s just Shane and Ilya and it’s now the usual couple game questions and they’re still getting them right because they can make excuses for knowing later, right now is about Winning

“What is Shane’s favorite breakfast?”

“Kale protein shake with a scoop of peanut butter and a handful of blueberries.”

“Ok um, what is Ilya’s favorite breakfast?”

“Two sausage egg McMuffins with an extra slice of cheese and hashbrowns.”

“What is something on Shane’s bucket list?”

“Sleeping in one of those see through igloos under the northern lights.”

“What is something on Ilya’s bucket list?”

“That thing where you feed giraffes at a zoo.”

“Ok last one. I think we all know Shane’s answer is former paramour Rose Landry, but who do you think is the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with is?”

*through teeth gritted so tight he is in danger of chipping one* “Probably a model. Or something.”

“… Yeah, let’s go with that.”

Years later when they’re out Shane reshares the clip and the only non-PR approved thing he says on the matter is “It was me, by the way. I am the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with.”

[gaynehollander]

It always baffles me when people think Shane would be constantly annoyed by Ilya's antics and bravado. Like, Shane? Shane Hollander? The same man who started salivating when rookie Roz said he was going to score 50 goals? The man who gets so hard over Ilya sexting him right before a game that he could storm into the visiting locker room and ride his man right there? The same Shane Hollander who happily accepted a blowjob while his best friend tried to have a deep and genuine conversation with him about his wife's difficult pregnancy? Nah, that dude is a peak enabler who loves his asshole husband.

[rainbow-femme]

“Shane fuck Shane help we fucked up, we lost Ilya, I swear he was here one second ago and now-“

“Haas, where are you right now?”

“The club by the hotel.”

“And he’s not in the bathroom?”

“No.”

“Not on the roof?”

“No.”

“Not trying to access any of the dancers poles?”

“What? Why would- Oh, Troy says no.”

“Is he hanging out with drunk girls in the women’s bathroom?”

“Umm, one sec. Harris, can you ask her if Ilya is in there? … Harris says no.”

“Ok. What were you talking about before he disappeared?”

“We were trying to figure out where to eat.”

“Did anyone bring up sushi?”

“He didn’t say he wanted-“

“Just answer the question.”

“Uh yeah, someone suggested it, but he said he wanted-“

“He’s at the pier.”

“What?”

“He got bored, sushi put fish on his brain, which made him think about water, and he likes going to piers, and the hotel is walking distance from a boardwalk by the water. He’s there, most likely trying to look at fish going under the dock.”

“… How do you know that?”

“Do you have any ideas how many times I have gotten this exact phone call? He’s easier to catch if you bait him with mozzarella sticks but make sure he knows he only gets them if he comes quietly. If you let him negotiate he will take the sticks and run. Cliff always fell for that.”

[cosmonautroger]

[eros-telesse]

Jason : I'm Jason but you call me Red hood, alright?

Kyle : *Nods*

Jason : Good. And you are?

Kyle : Not as straight as I thought I was...

Jason : What?

Kyle : What?

Hal already texting the family group chat : Oh this is pure gold.

Bruce : *Horrified face*