Toss Me A Blanket, It's Cold Under Your Bed

"I don't scare that easily, I've seen Batman eat corn on the cob." -Tim Drake. No age rules against followers, I'm not your mom. Whatever you see (which is nothing at this point) is your fault dude. I didn't tell your eyes to do their job. Go to @abbyparkerwayne for shitposts and updates on the starwars fic and whatever future stuff I decide to write that's not batfam/DC related

[bat-stuff]

Bruce: You look tired.

Tim: Thanks. I stayed up all night wondering if bees have knees.

Bruce: …Do they?

Tim, shrugs: Still don’t know.

[bat-stuff]

Tim: Why are you like this?

Jason: Because Bruce didn’t let me have a dinosaur when I was six.

Tim: Oh my god.

[bat-stuff]

Alfred: I made cookies.

Bruce, eating them: What did you put in these?

Alfred: Love and support.

Bruce: …and arsenic?

Alfred: Just a little.

[bat-stuff]

Dick: I love your beautiful ginger hair

Stephanie: I’m fucking blonde, Dick

[bat-stuff]

Bruce: I think I’ve come down with a sickness

Dick: Ooh wah ah ah ah

[bat-stuff]

Thug: Go to hell

Jason: Already been, it didn’t agree with me

[bat-stuff]

Stephanie: Updating my tumblr feed instead of hitting someone with my car

[bat-stuff]

School counselor: So, tell me about your family.

Damian: I was raised by warrior-monks who spoke only the language of the blade.

[bat-stuff]

Wally: Why are you wearing a tux?

Dick: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

[bat-stuff]

Dick: Over here we have the kitchen

Tim: what’s with all the bran flakes? I thought you only liked Lucky Charms?

Dick: oh that’s the dog’s cereal

[bat-stuff]

*after being sent the wrong location on patrol*

Jason: Where’s everyone going? Bingo?

[bat-stuff]

Reporter: about your late son, Jason…

Bruce, with tears in his eyes: I miss him every single day

Meanwhile at the manor:

Jason, throws popcorn at the tv while watching a documentary: I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING BEES

Jason: SHOW A GUY THE MOUNTAIN GOATS

Alfred: Master Jason, please take your anger of animals to a lower level

[bat-stuff]

At a charity ball:

Socialite: So Bruce, how has Damian been warming up to the household?

Bruce: He’s been great. Damian is such a caring kid–

Damian, appearing out of nowhere: Father. Three decomposing hags had the audacity to caress my face.

[bat-stuff]

Tim: Bros gotta pause to make his emo face.

Jason: *smolders*

Bruce, exasperated: just tell me what happened without the theatrics

[bat-stuff]

Jason: Do you ever feel—

Tim: Disoriented? Depressed? Hopeless? Wondering when it all will come crashing down?

Jason: *pauses music*

Jason: like a plastic bag, Tim. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SING THE REST OF THE SONG

[bat-stuff]

Diana: So how’s the new Robin doing?

Bruce: oh? Uh yeah he’s alright

Meanwhile back at the manor:

Alfred: Master Timothy, the weather is lovely outside-

Tim: just a minute Alfred…Does Bruce know that the woman he met at the gala last night is Oliver Queen’s third cousin’s wife’s sister-

Alfred, who just wants Tim to go outside: I’m sure he-what?

[bat-stuff]

Dick: That’s one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut…

Wally: you would eat yourself?

Dick: I wouldn’t even question it