#batman incorrect quotes

[thebat-musicman]

Tim, talking to a new super: Yeah a lot of stuff happens to people in my family when theyre 17

Tim: When my dad was 17 he ran off to train with assassins

Tim: When my older brother was 17 he became a crime lord

Tim: When I was 17 I briefly led an assassin cult

Tim: And then there’s my little brother, I’ve always kinda considered him the black sheep of the family

New super, bracing themselves: oh god

Tim, hissing: When he was 17 he went to med school

[nina-s0]

Bruce also does the parent thing whilst texting btw.

--

Bruce: he is here.

Tim: who?

Tim: hello?

Tim: WHO IS HERE? SHOULD I CHANGE INTO RED ROBIN OR NOT?

(Jason came for dinner)

--

Bruce: It is over.

Dick: what is over? Is the world over?

Dick: Bruce!?

(The league meeting ended)

--

Bruce: it has all gone to plan.

Clark: uh what?

Clark: Batman? Bruce Wayne? Bruce!?

Clark: please don't tell me you've gone evil and are planning to take over the world :(

(Clarks surprise birthday party on the watchtower was all set up)

--

Bonus, where daimian who had never used a phone before in his life, also texts like bruce:

Damian: Do not come home

Jason: ...

Jason: why?

Damian: Do not come home.

(He wanted to meet up with Jason on patrol)

[the-jason-todd-impreganator]

"Batman birthed all his Robin's" but Dick gaslit himself (and othere) into believing it was true to some extent.

—

Dick, eight years old, staring a reporter in the eye: What?

Reporter: Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne and Batman have been seen together.

Dick: Well DUH!

Dick: Batman gave birth to me :)

Bruce, choking on his drink in the background:

—

Later, Jason sitting in Dick's apartment, playing a video game: Any reason reporters think Batman and Bruce are dating?

Dick, not paying any attention: Didn't he give birth to you?

Jason: ???? What the F*CK!?

—

Much later, Jason being told Catherine wasn't his bio Mom before seeing his birth certificate: Oh my god. Batman gave birth to me.

—

Bruce: I'm fine, Nightwing.

Dick: Sure you aren't pregnant again?

Bruce:

Bruce: What?

Dick: You really gotta start using protection.

—

Dick, half asleep during movie night: Can't believe you slept with Willis Todd.

Jason, a full adult: Both my Dad's are hoes.

Bruce: . . .

—

Timbin: Hi, Mr. Nightwing Robin Dick Grayson Sir!!! I'm Tim Drake—

Dick: I KNEW BRUCE SLEPT WITH JACK DRAKE!!!

Timbin: . . . Clearly you're still deeply affected by the death of Jason Todd.

—

Tim, after spending a week with Dick: . . . Dad?

Jack: Yes, son?

Tim: Did Bruce Wayne give birth to me?

Jack:

Jack: Are you doing drugs with Ives??

—

Stephanie:

Dick: I—

Stephanie: Make the joke and I'll make sure you lack your namesake.

Dick: Understood.

—

Tim, walking into the cave: Alfred said Bruce won't be patrolling tonight. I think he was complaining about stomach cramps.

Dick: All the pregnancies really did a number on him.

Jason: Probably Tim's fault, on his medical records it said he was born nearly ten pounds.

Dick: What happened, Tim?! You're so tiny now.

Jason: To bad he didn't consider abortion.

Tim: I wish he aborted you!

Jason: He probably tried to abort you! Your a#& just dodged the hanger.

Tim: Maybe you should've taken note and dodged that crowbar.

Dick: Guys, stop making abortion and death jokes! But to be technical I was the easiest pregnancy—

Damian: WHAT IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT?!

Tim, grinning at Jason:

Jason, clearing his throat: I think it's time you found this out Damian...

Dick, dramatically placing a hand on Damian's shoulder: Bruce gave birth to us all.

Damian:

Damian: What?

Jason: Think about it. Who would be insane enough to not abort Tim?

Damian: . . . Father.

Tim: Do you really think Talia Al Ghul would spend nine months undergoing the hardships of pregnancy?

Damian: I . . . No . . . Wait . . .

Dick: Jason didn't die searching for his birth Mother, Dami.

Jason, trying not to laugh: The Joker was jealous that he wasn't the Father, Damian. He killed me because I wasn't his.

Damian: You're all liars!

Jason: It's true! Batman and The Joker were in a very committed relationship!

Dick: My Dad is actually the Joker.

Damian: . . . what .

Dick: Who do you think gave me my love of the circus, Dames?

Tim: It was before the acid incident, obviously.

Jason: Batman cheated on him, that's how I was born.

Damian: . . . Batman gave birth to me?

Tim: Batman gave birth to all of us, Damian.

Duke, in the background: I am not a part of this!

—

Damian, the next time he meets with Talia: Mother?

Talia: Yes, my heart?

Damian: Is it true that Grayson was the Joker and Batman's child and that Todd was born out of wedlock from Batman which is what led to him being murdered and their divorce and that Timothy was birthed by Batman from an affair and that you got Batman pregnant and he also birthed me?

Talia, taking his face in her hands:

Talia: I wasn't supposed to tell you until you were older.

—

Bruce: Dick, Jason?

Dick: Yeah, B?

Jason: What?

Bruce: Can you please stop telling your siblings elaborate stories regarding me birthing them?

Jason: No.

Dick: What? No harm no foul!

Bruce, inhaling sharply: Damian beat the Joker within an inch of his life today, screaming "Why couldn't you love Todd as your own?" And then, as he was being taken to Arkham, shouted, "Do you know what the divorce did to Grayson!?"

Jason:

Dick:

Bruce: Tim still thinks I slept with his Father.

Jason: Didn't you?

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: Bruce.

Dick: Okay, so, maybe it's a little bit out of hand...

Bruce: Damian think you're a child of divorce between me and the Joker! Harley Quinn keeps asking why the Joker didn't even get weekends with you!

Jason: Maybe you should've thought about that before getting the divorce.

Bruce: Jason. Peter. Todd. Wayne.

Dick: Look, B, it's not that bad! It's funny. Dami will grow up and realize it was a stupid prank.

Jason: The story bits yeah.

Bruce: . . . Jay, what do you mean the story bits?

Jason: He'll still know you birthed us all.

Bruce:

Dick:

Dick: Jason. You know that Sheila is the one who actually gave birth to you, right?

Jason:

Jason: Dick. You told me that you picked out my middle name.

Dick:

Bruce:

Jason:

Dick: Now you're f*cking with us.

Jason: I could be. I could not be. But either way, betrayal happened in this room tonight.

Bruce: Dick.

Dick: Okay, fine, I'll stop telling people you birthed us and let the Joker raw dog you...

—

Meanwhile, many years earlier, the one time a reporter interacted with Alfred:

Alfred: I birthed the boy myself! I do believe I am fit to be his caretaker!

[jasontoddscrowbars]

Dick: Google Docs can take your files and use them for AI training. They can even steal your work.

Bruce: that’s bullshit. It hasn’t been proven yet.

Bruce:

Bruce: but they can scan your private files. Their bots scan for red flags like violence and all. They can lock you out of your own work.

Jason, pausing: violence?

Bruce, shrugging: yeah, anything that violates its policies. Mature themes-

Jason took off down the hall.

Bruce: …

Bruce: sexual themes-

Tim leapt off of the chair taking off after him.

Bruces lips sealed shut.

Dick: I’m sure they’re just using the restroom.

Bruce: right.

Bruce:

Bruce: remind me to go through their computers later.

Damian: what about my little pony fan fiction?

[eevee-the-cat]

Wonder Woman: this feels… unethical.

Red Hood: don’t care, we’re settling this debate once and for all!

Batman: get me out of this thing!

Spoiler: not until you tell us who your favorite kid is.

Nightwing: the lasso only works if you ask it like a question.

Robin: father, please tell the others that I am your favorite child so we can put this ridiculous debate to rest.

Nightwing: once again, question.

Batman: Diana! Get me out! Now!

Wonder Woman: I’m also curious, and they paid me.

Batman: I can promise you, I can give you more than what they offered.

Batgirl (Cass): now, Batman, out of all of us, who is your favorite child?

Batman: *all but bitting his tongue off*

Red Robin: you know you’ll have to say it. Just say it. Just say “Tim.”

Batman: it’s Ace!

Everyone: …

Batgirl: the dog?!

Signal: yeah, that tracks.

Robin: you mean you love the dog more than your own blood?!

Red Hood: this hurts less than if you said Damian, so I’ll take it.

Spoiler: I knew you wouldn’t say me, but wow.

*Later*

Batman: *paying Diana* thank you for not using your real lasso.

Wonder Woman: I don’t believe it should be used for petty purposes… however, I have to ask, do you have a favorite child?

Batman: of course I do. It’s-

*a loud train passes by*

Oracle: *listening over comms* Dammit. Don’t worry, Cass. He’ll admit it’s you one day.

[bookspined-batman]

Bruce didn’t have a favorite color until he was 28 and adopted Dick.

9 year old Grayson, as Boy Wonder, gripping Batman’s hand and skipping alongside him: Why is the Batmobile black? Is black your favorite color?

Bruce, thinking: It’s for stealth during the night.

Dick: So it has nothing to do with what colors you like?

Bruce, confused: I mean, I guess I like it in black just fine.

Dick: Is black your favorite color? My favorite colors are Red and green and yellow! Because those are the Robin colors! I also like blue, and purple, and pink…

Bruce, thinking about this question for the first time in his life: Hm. I think I’d say blue, too, chum. Now get into the car, please. Buckle up.

Dick, ecstatic: Blue! You should have a blue batsuit!

Years later, when Dick made his first suit as Nightwing, Bruce broke out the blue and grey batsuit that he hadn’t worn in years.

[gothamknight06]

Jon: I have a question.

Damian: I am already regretting this.

Jon: How did Tim and Kon start dating?

Damian: Why are you asking me?

Jon: Because every time I ask them, they give me a different answer.

Damian: That is because Drake finds misinformation amusing.

Jon: Yesterday Tim said they met because Kon "fell out of the sky and into his life."

Damian: Technically accurate.

Jon: Then Kon said they bonded through "mutual emotional instability."

Damian: Also technically accurate.

Jon: Then Steph said they were "professionally obsessed with each other."

Damian: Again, technically accurate.

Jon: None of these answers help.

Damian: Welcome to the family.

(Across the room...)

Kon: Babe.

Tim: Yeah?

Kon: Jon's trying to figure out how we got together.

Tim: Oh.

Kon: Should we tell him?

Tim: Absolutely not.

Jon: WHY?!

Tim: It's funnier this way.

Damian: Drake.

Tim: Fine.

Jon: Finally.

Tim: It all started—

Kon: When I stole his coffee.

Tim: No.

Kon: Right. Wrong story.

Jon: WRONG STORY?

Steph: There are like... six versions.

Cass: Seven.

Steph: Seven?

Cass: Jason made one up.

Jason, from the kitchen: IT WAS BETTER THAN THE REAL ONE.

Tim: It really wasn't.

Jason: Agree to disagree!

Jon: Can someone just tell me what actually happened?

Kon: We became friends.

Jon: Then?

Tim: We kept almost dying.

Jon: That's... concerning.

Steph: Pretty standard for them.

Kon: Then we got really emotionally attached.

Jon: Okay...

Tim: But neither of us noticed.

Steph: They were the last people to notice.

Cass: Last.

Damian: Grayson noticed first.

Dick: I DID.

Tim: You imagined it.

Dick: Timmy, you looked at Kon like he hung the moon.

Tim: That's ridiculous.

Kon: *smiles*

Tim: ...

Steph: He's doing the face.

Jon: What face?

Steph: The one.

Cass: Soft.

Damian: Revoltingly so.

Tim: I am making a normal face.

Jason: You absolutely are not.

Kon: Keep talking about me.

Tim: No.

Kon: Please?

Tim: ...Maybe.

Steph: THERE IT IS.

Jon: Wait, he actually gets like that?

Damian: Drake becomes significantly less irritating in Kon's presence.

Tim: Thanks?

Damian: It was not intended as praise.

Kon: I think it's cute.

Damian: Of course you do.

Jon: So who confessed?

(Silence.)

Jon: Guys?

(More silence.)

Jon: ...Guys?

Steph: This is my favorite part.

Jason: Oh, this is hilarious.

Dick: I have the screenshots.

Tim: Delete them.

Dick: Never.

Kon: In our defense—

Tim: There isn't one.

Jon: WHAT HAPPENED?

Dick: They accidentally confessed.

Jon: How do you ACCIDENTALLY confess?

Steph: Oh, just watch.

Dick: Kon texted Tim—

Kon: I meant to text Bart.

Tim: Important distinction.

Kon: I sent Tim a message that said, "I think I'm in love with Tim."

Jon: ...

Jon: YOU SENT THAT TO TIM?

Kon: Yes.

Jon: ON ACCIDENT?

Kon: Yes.

Jon: WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Kon: I threw my phone across the room.

Bart, appearing out of nowhere: He screamed for like five minutes.

Kon: Thank you, Bart.

Bart: You're welcome!

Jon: Tim?

Tim: I stared at my phone.

Steph: For twenty-three minutes.

Tim: Twenty-one.

Steph: Twenty-three.

Tim: Whatever.

Dick: Then he texted me.

Jon: What did he say?

Dick: "Hypothetically speaking..."

Everyone: OH MY GOD.

Tim: I PANICKED.

Steph: He opened with "Hypothetically speaking, if someone accidentally confessed their love for you..."

Jason: "...what's the etiquette?"

Bart: I still laugh about that.

Jon: WHAT DID YOU REPLY?

Dick: I said, "Do you love him back?"

Jon: Logical.

Dick: Tim disappeared for another fifteen minutes.

Tim: I was thinking.

Steph: You were blue-screening.

Tim: Also true.

Kon: Meanwhile, I was digging my own grave.

Bart: Literally.

Jon: Literally?

Bart: We had shovels.

Kon: It felt appropriate.

Jon: This family is exhausting.

Damian: Correct.

Jon: So then what happened?

Tim: I went to the Kent's farm.

Kon: I assumed he was there to reject me.

Tim: Which is insane.

Kon: In hindsight, yes.

Tim: I knocked.

Kon: I opened the door.

Tim: Then I forgot every word I'd ever learned.

Steph: Canonically true.

Tim: I had a speech.

Jason: He absolutely did.

Tim: It was gone.

Kon: So we just stared at each other.

Jon: For how long?

Bart: Long enough that I left to get snacks.

Jon: ...

Bart: I came back.

Jon: ...

Bart: They were still staring.

Tim: It wasn't that long.

Bart: I microwaved popcorn.

Steph: Twice.

Tim: Details.

Kon: Then Tim finally said—

Tim: "Hi."

Jon: THAT WAS THE SPEECH?

Tim: NO.

Kon: Then I said "Hi."

Jon: ...

Jon: THAT'S IT?

Kon: Then we stared again.

Damian: I have never witnessed two supposedly intelligent individuals fail so catastrophically at communication.

Cass: Cute though.

Damian: In an embarrassing sort of way.

Tim: Eventually I said—

Kon: "I think I'm in love with you too."

Jon: FINALLY.

Steph: Then Kon started crying.

Kon: A little.

Jason: Like a lot.

Kon: A reasonable amount!

Tim: Then I started crying.

Jon: YOU?!

Tim: It had been a stressful day.

Steph: They both cried.

Cass: Hugged.

Dick: Bart cried because they were crying.

Bart: It was emotional!

Jon: That's it?

Steph: That's it.

Jon: You made it sound like this huge dramatic story.

Dick: It was.

Jon: No, it wasn't.

Bart: You had to be there.

Kon: Best day ever.

Tim: Yeah.

Kon: Love you.

Tim: Love you too.

(The room goes quiet.)

Damian: I take back everything I have ever said.

Jon: Really?

Damian: No.

Damian: That was still disgusting.

[fattuccini-afraido]

Bruce: Can we come and stay over at your place tonight?

Dick: Sure, but what's wrong with the manor?

Bruce: Well, it's apparently haunted and Jason and Damian don't actually know how to perform an exorcism, so they're just violently throwing salt at the ghosts and yelling "DO WE LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HOTEL TO YOU!?"