The Last Five Years // Logince AU (Part 1)
So, here it is. I did it. At least, here’s the first part. This is probably my favorite thing I’ve written so far! I really love it! The point of view kind of goes back and forth between Roman and Logan from over the course of their five year relationship, hence the title of the musical. I highly recommend listening to the musical while reading this, but it can be understood without it! I hope you all enjoy this as much as I do :))) >
Warnings: Angst, break up, homophobia mention, arguing, crying, cursing, let me know if there are more!
Roman let out a heavy sigh as he stumbled into the apartment. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally. After a summer in Ohio, he was back in New York City, and that meant back to the rejections. The only saving grace he thought of as he left his luggage in the bedroom, was his husband Logan.
Despite the rough patch they had been enduring, the fact remained that they were still enduring. Sure, his last visit wasn’t the best, but he said a lot of things that he didn’t mean. He wanted to apologize and go back to the way things used to be. “Logan?” He called out as he made his way back to the living room. He realized that his husband was nowhere to be seen, and a few of his things were missing.
His attention was drawn to the folded paper on the mantle, and the ring that laid beside it. He gulped as he stared at it. He knew that ring, more than anyone. It was like walking through a daze as he made his way to the mantle. He hoped that what this was wasn’t actually happening.
With trembling fingers, he picked up the ring first, knowing that his first instinct was correct without even reading what was on the paper, that had his name in big lettering. Both items were covered in a thin layer of dust, signaling that they had been sitting here for some time, undisturbed. He picked up the paper, seeing the writing on the inside of it.
His eyes scanned the page, filling with tears as he read further. He stumbled backward, falling into the couch behind him. Logan was over. Logan was gone. And he wasn’t coming back. He arrived at the end of the line.
Did I do this? He wondered. He seemed to think so.
Quickly, a wave of rage coursed through him. How could he leave? He could run for all he cared! It’s so simple, right? It’s right…isn’t it?
Emotions were coursing through him at a rate that he couldn’t process. He wanted him back, he wanted his light. He wanted him to go find something better.
He didn’t know what he wanted anymore, all he knew was that he was still hurting.
Logan held his breath as he stood, looking at his date. He couldn’t help but think that he was breaking his poor mother’s heart, just by being with a man. He didn’t care though, there was just something about the man in front of him, with the sandy blond hair and a bright smile. “So, is there any reason that this won’t work?” Roman questioned with a teasing tone.
“Hm,” Logan pondered for a moment. “I don’t believe there’s anything at the moment.”
“Really?” Roman leaned forward, a playful grin tugging at his lips. “What if I had a really bad tattoo?”
He shrugged, “I don’t see how that would affect how I see you.”
His date hummed, “True…what about a shaved head?”
“I suppose that would be cool. It is your hair, I cannot dictate what you do.”
The questioned kept rolling, moving from minor questions to wild backstories. Logan couldn’t help but think about the people he had in the past who couldn’t even measure up to Roman. He couldn’t lie to himself and keep dating people he couldn’t be happy with. He had to chase his own destiny, and from what he could see, he could see it with this man.
Despite only knowing him for a little less than a year, he knew that this was everything he could want. “What if I liked to drink blood?” Roman replied, talking like a vampire.
“I’d think it’s cute,” Logan blurted without thinking.
There was a moment of silence, worrying him instantly. He messed up. He should not have said that. Why did he say that? His train of thought was interrupted by loud laughter emanating from Roman. It was like peals of bells, and he couldn’t breathe.
Why did he do this to him?
Roman and Logan sat on the edge of a pier, opening onto a pond. It was a gentle, yet awkward silence. They didn’t know what to say to each other. Each of them felt guilty but over different reasons.
Roman closed his eyes, feeling the anxiety welling up inside him. He knew he had to try. He loved the man next to him and didn’t want to lose him. He would do whatever it took to keep him while he could. He sent a soft smile to his husband, “I can’t believe you really came, and that we’re sitting here,” he breathed.
“Of course I would come,” Logan replied.
“Hey, I’m happy that you’re here,” he grabbed his hand. “See? I’m smiling.”
Logan chuckled gently, before glancing back over the pond. “Y’know, I think you’re really going to like the show,” Roman nudged him. “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t suck.”
The pair laughed, even though it was super funny, it was enough to get some of the awkward out. This isn’t so bad, Roman cheered. See? We’re laughing. He took in a deep breath, knowing that this is the time to bring it up. There was time to talk. “I know things have been rough lately, but I think we’re starting to get better,” he noticed that he caught Logan’s full attention. “I mean, we’ll have to try a little harder to make this last. We know what can be better, and I will own when I was wrong. What if we make a new start this weekend, while it’s just you and me?”
The man beside him let out a sigh, “I wish I could. I want to make things better, but there is another party they are throwing and they expect me there. It is on Sunday.”
There was another moment of tense silence before he let out a deep breath. “I didn’t know you had to go so soon? But, it’s whatever, because you have to, right? It’s alright, we have tonight at least.”
“Actually,” Logan adjusted his glasses. “I was unable to book a flight after tonight, so I will be leaving around four.”
He felt like he had been punched in the chest. Without thinking, he stood up, walking away from his husband. “Roman?”
“You know what makes me crazy?” Roman seethed, unable to contain the anger boiling inside of him. “You know what makes me nuts? I thought we would be sharing our time, and you’re going to choose someone else to be with.”
“Yes Logan, that’s exactly what you’re doing!” Roman snapped. “You could be here with me, or be there with them! As usual, guess what you pick?!”
“No Logan, you do not have to go to another stupid party! You stay with your husband on his fucking birthday!” He paused before continuing, “ Or you could, god forbid even see my show!”
“I want to be here!” Logan retorted.
“I know it must drive you crazy,” he sneered. “That you won’t get to play with your little boyfriends!”
“No, I’m not!” Roman exploded, tugging at his hair in exasperation. “And the point is, that it’s all about you! Marvelous, novelist you! Oh so wonderful, only twenty-eight and he’s the savior of writing! It’s just you, and you, nothing but you! And I-”
His voice cracked the end of shouting as the tears started pouring down his face. All the while, Logan’s face remained stoic, even as he dissolved into sobs. He just stood there and watched him. “I swear to god, I’ll never understand how you can stand there and see I’m crying,” he looked away from the man he wanted to love. “And not do anything at all.”
Logan lowered the phone from his ear, in awe of the conversation that had just taken place. An agent wanted him, and a publishing company wanted to publish his book! Since he had dropped out of Columbia, he was worried that he wouldn’t make it. He sent his manuscript to that agent dozens of times, and he finally looked at it. And found a place that would publish him already.
And aside from that, things had been going exceedingly well with Roman. They had been seeing exclusive for almost a year now, and he had been conflicted with the choice to ask him to move in. He couldn’t believe he was only twenty-four, and things were going perfectly. He had complete confidence and knew that he wanted to be with Roman for the rest of his life.
He was about to receive $2000 without rewriting a word, so it would be the perfect time to find a new apartment with his boyfriend. Deep down, he began to wonder if things were moving too fast. Some people freeze out fo fear that they will fail, but he decides that he will keep moving along. Maybe he couldn’t follow through, but what else was he supposed to do?
Maybe things were moving too fast, but he didn’t care.
Sometimes, Logan could really get in his head.
And all Roman could do was watch.
It was when Logan was writing a book, almost like a trip to Logan land. He just stares out the window for a long time, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He was always drawn to that face when he was thinking really hard. Sometimes, in the middle of his concentration, he would smile. His eyes would light up, and he would just melt.
He fell in love every time he saw that smile. No matter what happened, that smile made him come back time and time again. No matter if he felt like he was in his shadow at parties. No matter if he followed his stride, he said he would stick it out. And every time Logan smiled, he was home.
No matter what, they were in this together. He’s a part of that.
p>“Roman, I have a Christmas story I would like you to hear,” Logan held his notebook, which held the story he had written as a gift for his boyfriend.
It was their first Christmas together, and he wanted to do something special. What was more special than a story? Roman smiled, “I would love to hear it!”
He grinned, clearing his throat as he began to read the words from the page.
Schmuel would work till half-past ten at his tailor shop in Klimovich
Get up at dawn and start again with the hems and pins and twist
Forty-one years had come and gone at his tailor shop in Klimovich
Watching the winters soldier on, there was one thing Schmuel missed
“If I only had time,” old Schmuel said
“I would build the dress that’s in my head
Of girls from here to Minsk
But I have no more hours left to sew”
Then the clock upon the wall began to glow…
“Oh Schmuel, you’ll get to be happy!
I give you unlimited time!
So Schmuel, go sew and be happy!“
I’ve gotta make do with the time I’ve got”
Schmuel was done at half-past ten and he said “Goodnight, old Klimovich”
Put on his coat to go, but then the clock cried, “Wait! Not yet!
Even though you’re not wise or rich
You’re the finest man in Klimovich
Make one stitch and you’ll see what you get”
“Clock, it’s much too late
“Schmuel! One stitch and you will
Unlock the dreams you’ve lost!”
So Schmuel, with reluctance, took his thread
He pulled a bolt of velvet and said
“I should take out my teeth and go to bed
I’m sitting here with talking clocks instead!”
“Oh Schmuel, you’ll get to be happy!
I give you unlimited time
Just do it and you can be happy!“
So Schmuel put the thread through the needle’s eye
And the moon stared down from a starless sky
And he pushed the thread through the velvet black
And he looked, and the clock was turning…back
So he grabbed his shears and he cut some lace
As the hands moved left on the old clock’s face
And his fingers flew and the fabric swirled
It was nine-fifteen all around the world
Every cut and stitch was a perfect fit
As if God Himself were controlling it!
And Schmuel cried through a rush of tears
"Take me back! Take me back all forty-one years!”
And on it went down that silent street
Till Schmuel’s dress was at last complete
And he stretched his arms
And the morning sun finally started to rise
And the dress he made on that endless night
Was a dress that would make any soul take flight
Not a swatch, not a skein had gone to waste
Every ribbon and button ideally placed
And sewn into the seams were forty-one seasons of dreams
Dreams that you could feel
And that very dress, so the papers swore
Was the dress a girl in Odessa wore
On the day she promised forevermore
To love a young man named Schmuel
Had knocked at her kitchen door
When the story had finished, Logan noticed the twinkle in his husband’s eye, the one had that been missing as of late. Despite what he originally said, that was just an introduction to his actual gift. “Roman,” he took his hands in his. “I know you’re not happy, and you deserve to be happy. As a result, I want you to stop temping.”
Roman opened his mouth to protest, but Logan cut him off, “I want you to start auditioning full time. I want everyone to see the brilliant man who inspires me. Isn’t it time you be the ambitious freak that you are?”
His boyfriend’s eyes drifted to his lap, his grip tightening slightly, “What if I’m not good enough?”
“I wish you could see how special you are. And don’t worry, take as much time as you need to. I have an appointment with a headshot photographer and a Playbill where you’re right for something on every page.” He paused, cupping his face, rubbing his cheekbone with his thumb. “I’m lucky to be in love with someone like you.”
“Logan! I’ve missed you!” Roman cried out as his husband’s face appeared on the screen.
He returned the smile, “I have missed you as well. How is Ohio?”
The actor folded his arms over his chest, “I could eat a fish from last July and it wouldn’t be as awful as a summer in Ohio.”
“I’m sure you’re being overdramatic.”
“I’m sharing a room with a former stripper and his snake named Deceit.”
As he chatted, he couldn’t help but miss being in New York City, where he had cable, hot water, Vietnamese food…and him. He was tired of acting only at the matinees and of the castmate who had taken an uncomfortable liking to him. He knows he wants him, but he wasn’t ever going to get him. He found his guiding light already.
Son of a bitch, he couldn’t believe he had done something right.
He could chew on tinfoil, or get a root canal in Hell, but it still wouldn’t be as awful as a summer in Ohio. All because Logan wasn’t there with him.
“Is that one John Lennon?” Roman questioned as he and Logan made their way down the street.
Logan shook his head, “No, that one’s Jerry Seinfeld. That one’s John Lennon there.”
“That’s the San Remo!” He exclaimed, pointing out the building.
His boyfriend snickered in reply, “No, that’s the Dakota. The San Remo is up a few blocks from here
Logan nodded, “Have you been inside the Museum?”
Roman clapped his hands together, a wide grin growing, “Can we go see the dinosaurs?”
“We should go meet the dinosaurs,” his boyfriend chuckled, pulling him towards the large building.
As the pair made their way to the dinosaur exhibit, Logan began to grow nervous. He knew this would be a perfect opportunity to propose, and despite having this conversation millions of times, doing the act was a whole other idea. “Darling?” Roman rubbed his back, “Are you alright?”
“I am quite fine,” he took a deep breath. “More than fine actually. I have something I would like to ask you.”
Not waiting for an answer, Logan retrieved the box from his pocket, getting down on one knee. He ignored the passerby’s stopping to watch, “Will you share your life with me? For the next ten minutes?”
“There are so many lives I want to share with you. I will never be complete until I do.”
There was a heavy silence as he waited for his boyfriend’s reply. “I won’t always be on time,” the actor smiled widely. “But anything other than being exactly on time I can do. I was to be your husband. I want to die knowing I had a long full life in your arms.”
The pair embraced as the crowd around them began to cheer. They met in a quick, yet passionate kiss before staring into each other’s eyes. They had so many dreams they wanted to share, and they knew this was right. They wanted to be together until there was no one left who knew them apart.