taakitz hades/persephone au
ok, so, i am playing it extremely fast and loose with all related mythologies here, so plz keep that in mind here. that being said!!!
it’s an ordinary day. taako’s out adventuring with magnus and merle. they’ve been planning this expedition for weeks; apparently, there’s an abandoned mine hidden deep in wave echo cave, and rumor has it that it’s filled with jewels than the workers left behind. enough to live it up for a hundred lifetimes.
of course, there’s a reason the place was abandoned; although wave echo cave was rich with ore when it was first discovered, it was quickly mined to exhaustion. workers had to keep digging deeper in order to keep up with their bosses’ demands. miles and miles underground. the tunnels run so dark and so deep that people say they dug straight through to the underworld, and, frightened by the hellhounds that leapt from the chasm, the miners fled. it’s sat empty ever since.
which is just how the god of death likes it.
so imagine kravitz’s annoyance when these three dumb-dumbs stroll right on in like it’s nothing. when he arrives the beefy one is playing catch with his hellhounds. yes, they are very good boys, and yes, they should know it, but come on! this is trespassing! it’s just rude!
not to mention - now that these three are here, it doesn’t matter that their hearts are still beating. legally speaking, they’re as good as dead! once you enter the afterlife, you can’t just leave again. it’d set a bad precedent.
too bad that the boys don’t care about any of that. also, they’re just foolish enough to start a fight with death. all they have to do is knock him out, maybe get a little looting in, and leave the way they came, right?
unfortunately, kravitz is very old and very powerful, especially in his own domain. the boys eventually give up on the treasure hunting and prepare to retreat; taako ensares kravitz in some good ol’ fashioned tentacle porn, and magnus and merle make their escape. taako’s almost out, too, but then he trips, and several things happen at once: he loses hold on the spell, kravitz escapes, and the tentacles, thrashing wildly, slam into the far wall and cause a cave-in, leaving taako trapped in the underworld with the god of death.
kravitz, for his part, is exhausted. honestly he just does not have the energy to deal with this right now, and he’s not sure what to do with taako besides? not much precedent for the living in the realm of the dead.
so he sighs, brushes some tentacle slime off his pants, and extends a hand.
taako narrows his eyes and raises his wand. nope, nuh-uh, he is not getting dragged to hell today, thank you!
kravitz is like, “are you sure? i have it on good authority that the couches in hell are much comfier than that crystal you’re hiding behind.”
and taako’s like “grumble grumble fine but no funny business, grim.”
so that’s how taako becomes death’s honored guest. he gets his own suite at the eternal stockade, even.
back in the land of the living, magnus and merle have to break the news to lup that they lost her precious baby brother to the god of death. lup, obviously, loses her shit.
and then she gets to work.
meanwhile, at the eternal stockade:
turns out, if you’re not being tortured forever after a life of evil, hell is pretty fucking boring.
kravitz has given taako free reign of the place while they figure out a more permanent solution. taako gets bored of moping in his room pretty quickly; instead, he starts trailing kravitz and heckling him as kravitz goes about his day. like, maybe he can annoy kravitz to double death? is that an option?
probably not. kravitz seems to be… enjoying taako’s company? the guy is pretty lonely. and all he does is work.
when kravitz is busy, taako finds his way to the kitchens. he can’t eat any of the food here unless he really does want to be trapped forever, but someone should enjoy the fruits of taako’s labor. and kravitz’s whole face lights up whenever taako lets him taste test. it’s ridiculous. taako tries and fails to ignore the way his heart sings at the sight.
lup’s research brings her to one lucas miller. lucas insists that his experiments are purely academic, strictly for the pursuit of knowledge, but he doesn’t exactly complain when lup volunteers herself for the first trial of something more… practical.
lucas isn’t a spellcaster, but lup certainly is; it’s only with her magic that he finally manages to tear a rift to another plane.
aaand something goes wrong.
when lup passes through the portal, her magic is bound to her soul; two become one. yup, she’s a lich!!! no longer sustained by her magic, the portal closes behind her, and lup finds herself at the shores of the river styx, where she meets the ferryman, one barold j. bluejeans.
usually, he just brings people directly across the river, but lup insists that he take her directly to the stockade. it’s a journey that normally takes months. he really shouldn’t.
but, well… lup is an aberration against the natural order? lup is… very persuasive??? kravitz would probably /want/ barry to bring her by, she’s absolutely right.
taako misses his sister, of course, how could he /not/ - but the company here is pretty nice, too. the god of death is a dork. the god of death has never had an empanada. and he uses a fake accent when he judges the souls of the damned. like, who even does that???
whenever kravitz is away - more and more frequently, now that someone has begun siphoning souls through rifts in the ether - taako sits on his throne and holds court in the other man’s stead. it’s a rly sweet gig! and he only fucks with the shades a little bit. turns out taako’s really good at this whole judgement thing.
when kravitz returns from his latest mission, taako expects him to take his seat back; but when he wanders into the great hall the next day, there’s a throne of sparkling blue sapphire right next to kravitz’s own. taako preens.
eventually, lup and barry arrive.
lup bursts into the hall of the dead ready to make a scene - but as it turns out, someone’s already stolen her thunder: a legion of shades, tossing kravitz around the room like he’s a rag doll. behind them, a rift to the waking world.
it’s a prison break, courtesy of lucas miller!
he’s the one that’s been stealing souls, to the shock of absolutely nobody.
taako rushes into the room, eyes wide, and spots lup across the room amidst the chaos. they team up, stop the riot, and lup seals up the portal using her new lich!powers. the day is saved!!! kravitz owes the twins big time.
and although he’s come to love taako - because he loves taako - what else can he offer them but their freedom? he squeezes taako’s hand, smiles at lup, and tells them that barry will ferry them home in the morning.
except… taako doesn’t want to go? and lup’s reluctant to abandon her boy as well.
kravitz wakes up to the smell of something delicious. he comes down to the kitchens and finds taako, lup, and a friggin’ feast, half a pomegranate in each of their hands.
“what’s all this, then?” he asks.
“homecoming,” taako says.
(epilogue set six months later where kravitz meets barry on the shores of styx as they both eagerly await their beaus, lup opens a portal, she and taako step through, the couples smooch, and they live happily ever after, the end)
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