I want to talk about certainty.
Anybody who's been out as asexual for a minute and a half has heard the "well what if you're wrong?" and "what if it's a phase?" narrative. Coupled with "you shouldn't ID that way if you're not SURE."
âŠHow does one become "sure"?
Quite simply, like EVERY OTHER SEXUALITY, you DON'T.
Asexuality, like any sexuality, is an expression of your attraction experiences based on the past and present. It does not make claims about the future except to the extent that anyone else's does. Which, you'll find, IS PRETTY ACCURATE.
Identifying as asexual isn't a celibacy vow (lol, especially since some asexual people have sex and sexual orientations aren't behaviors, but I digress). Identifying as asexual isn't a statement that we know, for sure, how we will feel forevermore.
It's just the same estimation everyone else makes.
When people expect us to be sure somehow before we ever apply the word to ourselves, they limit that very exploration. How are we to know if this is true for us if we can't try it on? Explore our relationship with the world through that lens? Experiment, according to our inclinations, within reason?
I once had a dude on the Former Bird App go off on me because I said some ace people date and find out while dating that they don't feel sexual attraction. This dude SCREAMED that we better FIGURE OUR SHIT OUT before we HURT PEOPLE like that.
'Scuse me, sir, but how do we do that in isolation?
And considering that everybody else is allowed to date and split up if they're not right for each other, why would we be some special case where we have to hide in shame, "figuring our shit out" somehow, before we ever try to learn about ourselves in relationships? Sorry, but we all do that.
I also once had someone send me a shaming e-mail claiming I'm corrupting children and confusing the youth by advocating for asexuality awareness. That teens who haven't developed yet latch onto asexuality because they're scared or inexperienced and it somehow ruins them for life.
Apparently just having that information out there is so captivating that it will lure unsuspecting young people into our fold and we will never release them! Mwahah! Evil plan complete! What do we get now? It's like they think we're Underpants Gnomes and they're sure there's a [Profit] somewhere.
This chap said my Responsibility as an activist is to carefully prioritize straight and cis people and make sure they don't "erroneously" identify as ace before they've explored all options. Asexuality = last resort, as we all know. (Notice how this contradicts the "figure your shit out" guy.)
Y'all, none of this is how sexuality works. Asexuality awareness is important because it is ONE of many things a person can be. And, as a lifelong asexual person who did NOT have this presented as an option when I was growing up, I can say my life would have been easier if I'd known I had company.
Contrary to popular belief, we do not capture and hold people who initially identify as asexual and refuse to let them change their terminology in the fear that it will make us look bad. I know it can be hard and feel like you're betraying former ideals, but freedom to evolve is important.
In asexual communities, we SUPPORT it if someone realizes they need a different term or a modified version of the term they've been using. We SUPPORT someone IDing as demisexual after initially IDing as only asexual, for instance. It means they've learned something about themselves. That's good!
But it's also important to make sure we do not see asexuality as an embryonic orientation. It is ALSO sometimes people's full and complete answer. It is not a sign that the person has not examined themselves fully or is living a regressive, sheltered life. Asexuality is ALSO some people's answer.
You do NOT have to be "sure" to use the label!
If what you feel changes, you CAN change how you describe yourself to fit what best communicates your experience and preferences! This isn't failure!
And no one--except unreasonable people holding you to different standards--will be mad at you!
Coming across the rich culture, diverse community, and wealth of information about asexuality has been a turning point in many ace people's lives. Realizing they aren't alone and they too can have fruitful discussions about a formerly alienating aspect of their lives. Make friends. Learn. Be heard.
This is all available to you even if you're not sure. This is not damaging to everyone else if they might mistakenly identify as ace for a while before realizing it doesn't fit. I will continue to make materials and welcome people and educate on the topic. This is vital to health and happiness.
And if you think this is not relevant to you because you are not asexual or think you don't know any asexual people, guess again! People who are not on this spectrum still benefit from knowing about us and understanding an important aspect of human sexuality.
As the author of the first mainstream-published nonfiction book on asexuality from an ace perspective, I have been thrilled to see the wealth of educational materials and ace-inclusive fiction boiling up after me. We need more, always--more updated and nuanced works than what I wrote 10+ years ago.
It's much better now than it was, but every time an ace-related thread gets popular, we hear "well is anyone hurting you?" and "what rights do you not have?" and "sounds like you want attention." This tells me those people have never listened to an ace person. Because those questions have answers.
I urge you to listen to an ace person. Find the answer to one of your questions. Read a blog or a book or a pamphlet. Check out a thread. Read our poetry. Watch our videos. Learn about our experience instead of insisting that it is nothing.
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