My Life belongs to you

Here you'll have a peek at a written description about my life. You don't know who I am, or what I do or what I even look like. All you'll ever know is that, my life doesn't suck nor is it perfect. I'm learning and I'm going to make mistakes, but sooner...

[coffeebunnies]

Hello familiar you. It's good to see you once more.

Hi,

As you've read through these snippets' posts, you probably don't know me and only know what you've read. 

Well... I am proud to tell you that the girl that is typing for this current post is a new me.

As of October 3rd, 2022. I can confidently say, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire god damn life.

Let's recap

January 2022

It's always been New Year's new me attitude. The start of this year was different though because it started with celebrating New Year with my best friend. 2021 Thanksgiving and Christmas - I organized events for my online friends and me - because I care for and love them like family.

Thanksgiving and Christmas 2021 was huge success and everyone made it. I made a friend speech for Thanksgiving and told all my friends from the bottom of my heart how much they meant to me. As cringy and cheesy as that sounded, I meant it and teared up. Out of the darkest of 2021, they were my light. Here was my speech that I spent time writing and gaining the courage to read out loud.

---

"First off, thank you <censored friend's name> for hosting and setting up this Friendsgiving. It's all so beautifully decorated and well done. I jelly. I wanted to let everyone here know I am thankful for the presence and that not only you guys are my best friends but you guys are also family to me.

I know we are all very busy with our daily activities and that there are not many occasions that we get to get together as a family, but

I am thankful that this is one of those occasions.

With that being said I hope that we all continue to put our best into making our friendship work and last.

To end my speech, I want to read a quote I found:

"Life isn't about having a thousand friends, it's about finding the very few right ones you need." — A.R. Asher

But yeah thank you <censored friend's name> of course for making this day what it is and thank everyone for being you!"

---

Christmas was Christmas, it was enjoyable, and got to spend it with the same group of friends. I couldn't wait to count down for 2022. It was time for another new year, a new me... right?

But if I can remember correctly - no one could make it.. and I was left kinda just .. waiting. It wasn't a big deal or anything, but I didn't have anyone to count down the new year with me. I had my 7-year boyfriend at the house but.. that didn't matter .. he was just drunk.

My best friend was the only one that was able to join and logged into Animal Crossing New Horizon to count down the minutes and seconds till it was 2022. It meant so much and It touched my heart.

As the countdown ended and it was finally 2022, I reflected and saw myself from a third-person perspective. Is this going to be my life? Am I going to forever go to live my life online? I don't have any friends in person that I open up to.

From there, I stopped organizing any more events.

I tried to make the best of it and wanted to work harder at making a better me as soon as 2022 hit.

Of course that didn't last too long, the company I was working for suddenly wasn't able to get the funding we needed and the majority of us got let go - including me.

It was extremely hard especially when a year ago I lost my job as well.

February 2022

I went into sheer panic mode and applied to as many jobs as I could while handling a large amount of anxiety that was being built up. My boyfriend was there to help somewhat as being comfort.. somewhat. Back to back, day to day there was a job interview for me throughout my whole day.

The whole month of February was interesting. I felt my best friend and I got closer. I was still actively swarmed with interviews and he was there for support. .. Till eventually something had happen at work for him. In short, he had to decide to leave his job as well.

Seeing him so broken, and telling me he was miserable or he had nothing to live for just killed me.

March 2022

The whole month of March, I felt my worth and with all the offerings coming in for new jobs - I rejected all of them. It was looking very glum and discouraging. I also wasn't in the best mindset at home with my then-boyfriend being unsupportive and leaving me with all the responsibilities. Was really bad lots of fights with my ex-bf, and losing myself.

I ended up drinking so much and fighting more with my then-boyfriend. He was awful and very gaslighting.

My best friend was the only thing I had that knew what was going on and was whole-heartedly supportive of me

My best friend bought me a game so I wouldn't feel left out - driving was sort of a new pace and it became my goal to become good at the game.

Finally, I eventually found a job that I was able to start. I was super excited. It was a contract job - but it was something!

My best friend was considered dating. As I knew my feelings, deep down I just wanted him to be happy. I knew the time we've spent these last four years. He's looking for something that was never a goal, but I understand he was lonely...

I would, but I was stuck. It pains me, but I knew letting him go was the best option and has always been the option. I was never going to be good for him.

April 2022

I finally started my new job and it was very confusing and lost. Things were not very structured, but hey at least I wasn't jobless.

I continued to have my days with my best friend and tried to do life.

Then... April 20th, 2022.

Of course, another fight broke out and I just lost it. Not only did he keep indirectly calling me crazy - the constant gaslighting.

Then he kicked aside my baby ferret who went over and bit the shit out of his foot. Which was deserved. I told him I will call the cops on him - and he dared me.

At first, when I dialed, I hung up after 3 rings because all he did was look at me like I was in the insane one. I asked after hanging up, "Do you want to do this?" All he said was, "they're going to call back" with the smuggest egotistic look.

The police called back and I said fuck it and gave my information and the situation. My heart was racing and he fuckin just scuff like I was insane and proceed to call his father who was an ex-cop to tell him I called the cops on him.

I waited around and when the police arrived, I told them everything. Everything. I told him he didn't pay for anything, my name was under the house and no matter how much I told him to leave - he wouldn't.

I overheard him talking to the police with his father on the phone - the audacity of this father to tell the biggest lie that I was married to this gross individual. When the police told me, I told him I was no and that was a lie.

The police told him to leave the property and that he can gather his things later that day.

I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. Fear stress anxiety was consuming me. I called my best friend and told him everything. He was just waking up and stayed on the phone with me. I also called my mom. My mom told me to stay strong and had her whole salon help me and encourage me that what I am doing was amazing and powerful.

The police also called and told me he will be returning to take his items from the property. I had closed myself off in my office and stayed on the phone with my mom. Constantly scared and crying. 

My mom dropped everything to drive to me. She helped me clean my disgusting home and took out at least 6 trash bags worth of stuff he had taunted my home with.

She helped me organize my pantry, my fridge, and my home. She stayed up until 4 am and did the unthinkable and I can never be more grateful for my best friend and my mother. I wouldn't know what I would've done.

May 2022

I remember crying so much. It felt so weird to be alone when I was with someone for 8 years. The house was quiet and he had taken the dog with him. To be fair, I didn't care for the dog because he had always pinned the responsibilities on me. But the quietness was bare and unsettling. My best friend stayed on the phone every night and every moment he could. He sang me to sleep one night. I loved it.

Honestly, it only lasted a good 2-4 days till I felt almost normal. There was still anger though and sometimes sadness. I was trying to regain who I was. It was hard.

The whole time my best friend was there for me as much as he could. He called me every morning and we sleep on call every night. It was soothing and reassuring.

He then decided it was time for us to meet after 4 years of knowing each other and he booked a ticket to visit me for 2 weeks!

June 23, 2022

The feeling was terrifying but exhilarating. I have dreamt of meeting him for the longest time. Hell, I think I was the one that had feelings for him in the first place... I had everything planned out. I wanted it to be perfect. I had the driveway white, and the car wash professionally cleaned outside and inside. The carpet was professionally cleaned, I bought a new dining table, and a new couch, restock all the food and pantries. The house was in the best shape I have ever put it since I bought it back in 2020 when my ex-boyfriend was with me.

You don't understand. The house was always in shambles. There was just this smell of defeat in the house and it was never up to what I wanted t be.

My heart was racing at just an alarming rate when the day finally arrive. I have never driven to the airport and honestly, I got lost picking him up. We couldn't find each other, but he had picked a spot somewhere on a curve outside of the airport and .. well I guess I found him. He walked up to the car, loaded his luggage and it was my first time seeing the love of my life. The two weeks we spent, felt unbelievable nature. As much as it was nerve-wracking the first few moments. It just felt.. like we've done this before. Like we've lived this life together. We watched movies, ate together, and just spent time cuddling. It was everything I dreamt of and much more. I have never felt happy in the longest time.

July 2022

After him leaving. He got a job offer and was finally able to start working. We finally both got jobs to save enough to get together. Dropping him off at the airport was the hardest thing for me. He was so close yet so far. It felt so normal and I felt like it was being taken from me. I was trying to be strong, but it just hurts.

Later that night I went ahead and booked a ticket to go spend my 2 weeks with him in August. I couldn't help it. I wanted to be with him.

August 5th, 2022

This was my first time going on the plane. As nervous as I was, I knew I shouldn't show the feeling of flight or look lost. I proceed through everything as if I have done this before. I finally made it, with a terrible overlay of 3 hours at some point, but I finally made it. When I got out of the airport, I saw him drive up. I . .was so happy. Being with him again was just perfect. The two weeks again just felt normal and it was like I've lived there for so long.

September 2022

By the time I had returned home, I felt the need again and went ahead and booked another ticket to be with him, but a little further this time. Decided to pick October 5th, 2022.

I feel like 2022 was meant to be the year for me of challenges because this was the month when I found out that my job had an end date due to the company I was working for that was being engulfed by a bigger company. So I had to find a new job.. it was stressful and I did everything I did before finding this job... Never give up. Do not take the light of small interviews.

I eventually took on a challenging interview with a heavy presentation process. Luckily after a week of interviews, the job that took the most stress off me, wanted me to work for them on Oct 3rd.

2 days before I had to fly out to be with the love of my life. 2022 is a challenge, no doubt.

Oct 16th, 2022

It is currently the 16th of October, I am in his office next to him. He is currently doing something on his computer while I am typing away on this Tumblr on my work computer. I have never felt so comfortable and at peace...

Why is life so difficult to keep us apart? In a couple of days, I will need to fly out and continue doing what I do... long distance relationship is very hard for me. I do not like it and I feel weak that it's something I can't do, but my mind wanders and there's already so much I can do to keep my mind busy. Granted being alone these past few months has taught me a lot. Taught me peace, happiness, and tranquility.

He said it may be till a year till we can finally be together and that he could probably only do a couple of days to visit my mother finally in December.

I would do it again and fly to him, but it puts a lot on me and my two boys (pets)

I sit here and often think. What the hell am I doing? What should I do? I want to be happy, but I know I have to be patient.. damn my heart needs a break.

2022 is a ride.  

National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone]-SAFE

[coffeebunnies]

Why.

Hello, it's been a while. It is April 6th, 2021.

There is much to discuss and much to recap. My last post was maybe around 2 years ago? How time flies. So much has happened.

Sadness. Happiness. Lost. Anger. So much.

Today I am in the utmost defeated feeling. I have been feeling the pit of hopelessness since yesterday evening and as I try and as I may--I can't climb out. More so, I've tried and now it feels more immeasurable to lay on the ground.

Let's start from 2019-2020

I no longer work for a slave wrecking job and had moved into an office 9-5 job. Ups and down have happened. Everything is a blur, my love life is happy I think. A lot has happened with that, I am still with that same person in this time frame. Anger let loose, words were exchanged, and yet here we are. Of course, the pandemic as well happened.

I was able to buy a ferret who I have grown to love and adore very much.

I was able to buy my very first home and have a stable job

I have recently taken a multitude of hobbies such as streaming thanks to a friend who is also my boyfriend's who is non-blood related. He had invested in me and was kind enough to give me a jumpstart.

2021 Hello.

I lost my job on January 14th, 2021. I was told by a co-worker who accidentally told me of my offboarding. Naive as was I, I let it happen. I mean there's not much I can do. Switching 3 managers within two years and the last manager being a micromanager .. didn't help. It was like a repeat of 2017. I should've known since the company was full of nepotism.

I didn't work for the whole month of February. I was very broken, scared and couldn't tell my family. I didn't schedule my streams and was only in the comforts of my boyfriend of 7 years. All my hard work has paid off and I was able to find a job at the end of February and told my family the good yet terrifying news of not having not able to accumulate money for almost 2 months.

The job I have now is rewarding and I feel like my words can be heard way more. My boyfriend and his 'brother' (not blood related) somehow got into an argument over something very little that went from just between the two of them, to going public where I stupidly involved myself and my best friend.

These went unintelligible and ridiculous. It shouldn't have gone this far. It went from one topic to another and the perception of the first fight became a blur. In the end, I was, in turn, being blamed because of a fabrication that he (his brother) made up about me. Not doing the end of the deal of the streaming investment of some sort. I refused to talk to him because of his unreasonable actions to talk and reason things out. It was already stressful enough that I had lost my job, and I just started a job that was only paid monthly. I had to manage things correctly. Juggling so much can be so easy at first.. but eventually, I will succumb.

He messaged on discord, text messages, and a very lengthy email. All that wasn't pleasant at all. I kept withdrawn because my boyfriend said he'll handle it. But it got to my head. I got so irritated because all I wanted was harmony and I just wanted to move forward. And I couldn't..

I lashed out at my boyfriend because when I was streaming. I heard him and him on the phone laughing. Probably made up and are friends again.

What about me? Why did I have to get the bunt end of the gun? Where is my apology. You can't just say all those things for all of two months and the next day it'll be fine. That's not fair to me.

I was so furious. So bothered because why is my boyfriend not supporting me. He tried hugging me to calm me down after I threw a fit at him but I became so distraught, so troubled and I'm so stressed out. I shouted and got mad. It was not fair.

I called my mother because I wasn't able to voice all of these emotions. It just wasn't fair. I stayed calm and I am nice and I tried reasoning all those months. I never once went against my deal. and yet I get this.

The next morning, my temper still went over. He tried hugging me again, but I couldn't stand it. The look he had in his eyes like he didn't like the way I looked. Or maybe he was still waking up.

I called my mom again. I was so irate. I told him to leave-- to go to your brother.

That's what happens. Words were exchanged and he left.

I

sitting

sobbing.

We talked on the phone that Friday. I told him my feelings, why I was angry, why I was stressed. I wanted justification from his brother.

The weekend flew by and Sunday came around. My family is now fogging my mind and wouldn't stop asking me where is my boyfriend and started to irritate me.

It made me nervous about the future. I'm so scared, We just put a downpayment on a dog as well.

I messaged him saying I don't know if it'll work out because of his brother. Because I told him his brother is a bad influence. I told him he'll go back to his old ways of drinking and not getting a job for the dog

I went to sleep and the next day.

Everything exploded. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me. With the actions, I have done and the motive to suggest to leave.

I'm so stressed and I hate that I am. I try very hard to be comfortable and stay happy. But I can never really have an outlet for myself mentally. For someone to hear me. Why is it that.. every little good thing I have in life. There is always something bad creeping behind it?

Why? ...

[coffeebunnies]

Isolation -- Realization

It's nearly marking a year since my last post.. couple of months early, but who cares right?

This new year has been hitting me ups and down with challenges that I can't believe that fairy tales are just stories to take your sights away from what's real.

From my last post, I have been working 68 hours weekly.

Let's keep you up to speed. 

2017 Recap

July--I found the apartment I have fallen all over and I am currently still staying here. I got fired from my last job for reporting a co-worker for abusement--yes I got fired for calling the police on him. Luckily a day after I found a new job immediately -- worked four days a week

September --My birthday happened. My job wasn't bad, it was great actually. Money was coming in. Things were looking up. Living with my boyfriend for the first month was new.

October - There has been ups and down with my boyfriend. My job was still okay. I didn’t get to see my family as much.

November - Still working four days a week. Boyfriend problems, we weren’t getting along living together, but we were trying to make it work.

December - Christmas, what fun. A lot of money left my pocket, but it was to see people smile. I am still working.

I graduated from University with a Bachelor in science.

2018 Recap

Jan

- New year new me right? Everything was perfect. Good 5 days a week job. Perfect boyfriend. Awesome Friends. Perfect.

Feb - Got transferred in my job to another temporary location. Worst experience. Found out the true self of my boss micromanager.

Mar - The shittest part of the year thus far. My boss is an asshole. I got so stressed out, I went home constantly back to my family. My boyfriend kept in a way bringing his friend over and disrespecting my place. My friends didn’t like my boyfriend and therefore had their opinions about him. I am so overwhelmed.

April

I got a new job and went from working 5 days a week at the last job, to once a week..

But I came to a realization—

You can't trust friends

You can't trust anyone

Everyone is out there to hurt you.

May

Who am I -- What am I doing? -- What do I want?

Isolation -- Realization

[coffeebunnies]

Welcome New You

It’s 28 Jun 2017.

Life has its way turning itself into one of the strangest experiences, has it? 11 months ago I thought life was changed for the worst. Everything is improving and life has been incredibly sweet to me. I am with a guy that I can now call is my other half. I am graduating college soon and hopefully getting the job I have been eyeing for a year now. Lastly, I am about to move into a place of my own of my choice.

Of course, there is always a catch to all the good things happening. Which is causing me to become a workaholic. I have been working currently for about 52 hours weekly. Today marks 68 hours and I don't really have a day off till 4 Jul 2017. I don't know if I can take much of this long and hopefully, things will look up soon.

I haven't seen my boyfriend for about a month now and just been constantly driving and working. I miss him. Sometimes I think to myself as I drive an hour to work or to the other job, questions that run through my head repeatedly and yet I have no answers to it myself.

Why am I working so hard? Why am I doing all of this? When will my body finally break? Does my love still love me since we've been so apart? What is he thinking? Is this what I want? Why was this my goal and why do I strive for it.. so much?

Am I even happy in all of this?

[coffeebunnies]

I’m stupid. Why

I have never wrote about this. 

Before you start judging Coffeebunny, understand that I know it’s both sides fault and so it includes my faults in this.

 On February 7th 2015. 

My best friends at the time took me out to drinking and fun for the very first time. Going to the club and everything. At the time, I was extremely reckless and I know that. I would call myself a whore slut if I can at that time. One of my best friend met with these group of guys after we’ve already had our fun drinking and clubbing. Let’s just say my body wasn’t so use to the alcohol. I reached the hotel with her and was taking off my make up and everything. From the corner of my eye, someone peeked into the bathroom as I was doing so. Being the tipsy individual as I was, I wanted more excitement and fun even though I shouldn’t be drinking anymore. 

Apparently there were about a few older then I was, the same as my best friend. The guys suggested to go to the strip club and as blurry as it may be. I don’t remember what my thoughts were on it, I’m sure it was sure-- let’s go. So my best friend, me and about 3 other guys went to a strip club. Remember I said best friends as in multiple? The other best friend had gone to another club in a different direction. As the whore or slut, whatever you want to call me then. I was all over this one guy and he was okay with it. Honestly I was okay with the kissing and playing, but I swear for no intention of sexual intercourse. When at the strip club, I lost my best friend in the field of partying and I was already drunk from the atmosphere. The guy that was all over me wanted to take me back to the hotel for some fun. My honest to good intentions was, to have this guy take me back and go back into my hotel to hide. As we got back, I told him my phone needed to charged and plug up so I can contact my friend. As soon as I got in, I noticed my other guy best friend and I told him about my situation that I did not want to be affiliated with the guy outside and that I was dating him, my best friend. I changed into my pjs and jumped into bed and told him to deal with the guy outside. 

He didn’t go away, but he wanted to talk to me. So my best friend told me that he wanted to talk to me. Stupid stupid me, I went. I went and told him that I do not want sexual intercourse and that the guy he was talking to was my boyfriend. He said it was all bullshit because if he was, he would’ve stopped me. 

He wouldn't stop pestering me, he wouldn’t stop wanting and I wanted him to go away, I wanted him to stop and I wanted to go home. I wanted someone to help me. So I told him fine-- to get it over with, so he would leave me alone. 

That night, he took me away and I was the saddest girl in the world. I was known as what people called, a whore, a slut, a bitch that people can use. I felt abandon from my guy best friend. I wish my girl best friend was there, I wish I stayed with her. I wish it didn’t changed me for the worst. It’s my fault. I know I deserved this.

The pain in the screams my mother had for me when she found out. The tears that rushed down her face when she couldn’t scream anymore. Telling me that she was sorry I was alone. 

In the end, I did not go to court because I didn’t want anyone get into trouble. That is my fault. I wish I did. I wish I seemed justice, because now I don’t have any. 

-- 

Surprisingly that’s when I met the guy I’m with now a week later. I gained 20 pounds, I accumulated muscle, legs and confidences. I am, a new me. Not because of the man I met now, but because I won't let loss of friends and rape-- to stop me. 

[coffeebunnies]

I’ve become another

Remember me? You probably don’t, but another wonderer on tumblr. I’m the mystery CoffeeBunny that has been only using tumblr for my thoughts and feelings of what I have experienced. Remember that post before where I spill out the word, “I love you” to this individual I’ve been seeing? 

I’ve been together with this special someone for almost a year and a half and I am extremely happy. I think .. 

I should be more confident with myself. I’m beautiful inside and out just as much as everyone around me. That’s right, the same. The same as everyone around me, the same to his eyes.

I’m overthinking it all. That person is prettier. That person is better. He’s probably her type. What if he finish me with the use he has for me? 

My mood swings back and forth -- back and forth. But I’ve not turned back to what I use to be post before. I’m a new me. I am confident. I may not feel like it right at this very moment. But as the beauty of a beast sleeps from my field of vision. I am happy and even if he’ll hurt me. I’m okay with that. I will be confident till the very end and all I ever want to do is. I want my love to be proud of me and I just want to make this person as happy as the love it gave me. 

[coffeebunnies]

What is Love?

Baby don’t hurt me ~ No Just kidding; I’m serious about this Question. Last night I was drinking, like every other night and I was joking with my boyfriend about liking this one guy that my best friend was attracted to. He playful just pretended he was made and I accidentally said along our playful conversation, “No, I love you”

For those of you who don’t know, ever since I started this relationship with this guy. I don't say the L word. I don’t like it. Why? Because what is love. 

I mean you love your mom, your friends and so on and so forth; but for your significant partner. Someone who could possibly be the one you will live with you till you die that is completely stranger; no blood relation. How could you love?

Yeah there is the sex thing; the kissing thing you do for them, but is that love?

I could be drunk typing this, but this is just for me to look back on how shitty my choices has been. 

Maybe I’m just scared about the outcome of this whole ordeal; but my mind is selfish and I just want to be happy. 

[coffeebunnies]

You sound so sweet to your boyfriend and he sounds like a total asshole to you, you deserve better why stick up for him?

I know people would think of him as an asshole, but they really haven't got to know him as I have know him. He had his reasons and I understand it. People tell me I do deserve better, and well I think I deserve the right amount form him, I find him fitting perfect for me and I was happy, but things weren't okay right at this time and I guess we're not ready to settle. He's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet and if anyone got to be with him, they were really lucky, he has done this one thing that has stand him out of all the guys I have dated and at that point in time, that's when I truly said to myself, this man is the one, I have never fallen for a guy this hard when he did what he had done in front of me. It was the sweetest thing, I went into tears and I never done that to a guy, going into tears. I thought I would go in tears if he had proposed to me, but no, it wasn't. Was something similar but I have never been able to express the awe I had in my heart and the tears that had released from my tear ducts on that day I had fallen for him completely. He probably doesn't know at that moment I had those strong feelings for him, but one day, I feel like I will be able to express it to him. (It was in the middle of our relationship surprisingly) and explained how I fell in love with him.

[coffeebunnies]

SBF is growing.

What is SBF? Sorry but I double check to make sure no one will know my identity, by looking up these initials. it will not give away who is the creator or myself. I checked everywhere. Maybe.

Now this isn’t what I wanted to talk about. My ex boyfriend and I, well mainly him has been working on a game. Again I will not tell you the game, but I want him to get big when me and him was dating. I couldn’t do anything, code or do all the fancy stuff he did. So I did my best to showcase SBF as much as I could when I went out to large communities.

I introduce the story of the game, possibilities this game can have. I even did a poll and asked people what would be the recommended price for this game. Got a lot of great feedback!

I get people asking me about the game and how much it will be. Course I answer in my best interest and understanding of where the game currently stand.

Now that we have turned different paths. I still get asked to show case it to many different places to introduce newly designers of what to expect out of games and how the designing works.

Sadly I have to turn down and say I don’t work under the project anymore and I know nothing of the progress nor will I accept any attendance to any announce or previewing the game. It’s breaks my heart to decline people who want to know the work and are eager to ask questions, not to mention how much it would benefit my ex boyfriend.

I know how much this game means to him and I want the best for him in ever way, but helping him shows my attachment misunderstanding so I tend to avoid it as much as possible to keep our friendship stabilize. Not to mention apparently someone really does not want me and him to be together. I don’t know who but I’m okay with bring friends. Maybe things will change in the future, but for now, I’ll just be a pedestrian with feelings for him from afar.

I recently saw things booming with announcements from him for SBF, I’m really proud of him and I’m sure many people has told him that they are proud. I would say it too, but I don’t think I would make a difference to him that I complimented his work. I wish all the best for him.

[coffeebunnies]

Living in a Smile.

Life has been quite brilliant. Enough to, I guess, satisfied myself a bit. I wouldn't say I'm having the best of my time and that I probably have turned away some people, but in the end. I gained some. 

Today has been far the most busiest day I have ever had to dealt with. Phew geez, good thing I had that large cup of coffee to keep me going till I had to pass out peacefully for 2 hours and I will say that nap was awesome.

So today I was assigned to do a biography of a artist that has inspired me to do what I do now. Not going to say I'm going to tie a heart to heart, but I got to say it's to my ex-boyfriend. Who in turns out, we're good friends now and I'm totally good with that. So anyway, just because he was something to me, doesn't give him the increase of a chance of me writing a biography of him. In absolute honesty and I tell all my friends this, he has my thanks for every time I draw or do anything with my artwork. Without his meaningful lecture I would have never step out to do something different or of course improve in my very bad coloring. I mean now, I can't say I'm amazing at art. I love what I do and I just do it, but with his teaching, I'm able to do it much better. 

Basically I have to create a Biography of an artist, who can be anyone and explain how this person has inspired me to do work. Easyy! Haha.

During art class though, I can't ask for a better 3 hour art class then this. Afterwords, our usually get together we decided to practice voice acting. Not to brag but yeah, I can do a JigglyPuff voice haha. Although doing it a lot will give me light headed so I better watch my practicing haha. Overall I had a great time being with them. Good laughs, good food to share around, pokemon talking. Game playing. Voice acting. Just hanging out. It was awesome. We all got to be awkward together!

Boy, I have got to stop blogging around midnight. Well I can, I just need to be prepared for bed if I were to do this. Short and simple blog today.

Happy as can be. Smiling from ear to ear.

[coffeebunnies]

When I was... once Happy. Best Memory. Unforgettable.

Past few days, I been keeping myself occupied. 

Drawing

Studying

Exercising

Having Coffee

Reading a Book / Manga

Playing a video game

Sleeping

I haven't had the time.. for a friend.

From time to time, while doing any of the feature things I listed. I thought to myself. What are friends? -- To me, learning from all my past friends and colliding it with my personality and how I work my life at this very moment.. They're sadly become bypasses to me. It could just be me overall, but I just don't get along with people. 

I mean I do! It's just that, I prefer to be by myself most of the time. 

The following year starting August 2012..

Some even went deeper and made me love them more then friends. Which in all honesty is really hard for me to do. 

When I was 8; in third grade, I met two girls who lived around my neighborhood. We became such good and close friends. Of course there  was me always being the one to be pushed over, I lost them by breaking the contact because of how I was never PROTECTED by them when I was teased by their other friends. 

When I was 9; fourth grade, I met a girl with the same birthday as I had and we instantly became best friends. We were both awkward and we share the same interest so we were practically sisters. That grew apart once we both went into college. She took a different path then I did and all I heard coming from her mouth was SEX and DRUGS. I didn't want that, again I turned off the connection and went on my way.

When I was 13; Freshman, I met a guy online who was the same age as me. I got really close to him and fell in love with him shamelessly. I willingly attached myself to him when he confessed his feelings to me and asked me to be his girlfriend. Course I agreed and in the end. After waiting four years of suffering, I found out in person and over the internet. He was CHEATING on me and he was just as everything I feared the worst. ONLY wanted me back because he knew I wouldn't let go. Well, I let go. 

When I was 15; Junior, I met another guy online. We were really close just as the last guy, but in the end we knew doing this sort of thing was a chore and wouldn't really work out. Especially with his PARANOID mind and had ANGER issues. We're still good friends, just lost in touch since he live his life now.

When I was 18; Freshman in College, I shamelessly was GULLIBLE to believe this guy was his age of what he said. End of story. 

--- Then..the one him.

I am now 20; I am in college of my 4th year. I met an amazing guy. I honestly truly will not deny I felt like he was the one for me. I fell in love though, with the guy inside of him ALL OF HIM. The true self of him was he was a HYPOCRITE and he was IN DENIAL. He was AFRAID of CHANGE.

I wanted to help him. I wanted to SACRIFICE everything I had to make this one guy that I expected to be one to, to be HAPPY.

That's not true though right?I wasn't Happy. 

The thing is, he listened to others and not to my story so now, we're not really good friends as we were. I wish we was.

I would've love to see the guy that fell to the floor when he was skyping me and telling me in tears. I was the one for him. 

I never cried in front of guy till that day. 

When I was once, accepting the fact. I was happy for a mere second. 

I think, that moment where he fell to the ground at his apartment, after the party and looked at me through the dreaded computer screen. That bloody wall that prevented me to help him up. Those eyes that told me he loved me. I was just happy. Very happy. 

That was the only time I could say truly I was happy. 

From time to time, I tell myself. I wish I never met him. I know deep down in my heart. I'm glad I have met him. 

and I am glad. He changed my life and maybe letting him go right now or for the past few weeks already was for what's best. 

If I learned one thing from all my past relationship mistake was. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. This will be my first attempt to try that. 

Now, I just try to be happy as I can be.. even if it's fake from time to time. 

[coffeebunnies]

I'll be the inspirer

while you be the spectator because you stop being my inspiration and into my motivation.

  It's been a week now and I pretty much exhausted myself to the point I passed out cold on my desk. I honestly have been taking more pills then I have before. Now don't get me wrong, supplements. At least 3-4 pre night before I go to bed as well as a pain reliever every once in awhile in the day while I'm out doing work / errand / studying.

Life has been okay and I have grown to smile a lot better and have a better reason to have that step forward and not be so ashamed about it. Deep down though, I still miss him and it's hard to think about those once feelings that was there before. I mean you can't just pretend it wasn't there. It was for a moment, even if it was across from screens. 

There was a bond. Theres no denying it. Feelings do exist and it was there even when they're gone now.

Well of course, mine still exist. I just know I have to smile and move on because it was a experiences and even as much as I wish to hate ever bits and pieces of him. I can't help but love him just a tiny bit.

Part of me, hates him for existing. For making me suffer this pain, but I should know better then to become childish to understand. 

It's not my fault at all. I didn't do a single bad thing. I did what was best and there was a misunderstanding through the entire thing which caused the bond to break. As a friend, he decided to drop it all not willing to even care if the bond was potential. 

Yeah I know, that proof alone makes him not worthily to stand in front of me or even stand a spotlight in my head. 

Lately though...

Now as all my last posts, I said that this person was my inspiration. He made me want to do art at it's best and live life to the fullest I suppose, but now that he has completely given up on even trying to become friends with me and disconnect the bond that we shared. Even when the depth of it was so strong, he broke it. I learned that he was not my inspiration anymore. He became my motivation.

Vocabulary learning.

Motivation (Noun)

1. Reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.

2. The general desire or willingness of someone to do something. 

Inspiration (None):

1. The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative: "Flashes or inspiration".

2. The quality of having been so stimulated, eps. when evident in something: "a moment of inspiration in an otherwise dull display"

At first I loved all his work, I truly do. He was got me the reason to go back into drawing and become better with his strong lecture and helpfulness. Now that he turned this path, he enraged me to the point I realized, I don't need an inspirational person to motivate me to go forward. I can be my own inspiration and have people become motivate by myself. 

That's what I plan to do too. It's a mission accomplishable and with mysel being the inspirer, i can't be pushed down or walked on that easily. Because by the time you attempt it, I'll already be the one looking down at you.  

[coffeebunnies]

All Gone now, Honest Words.

So it was predicted as it would have ever been. I was having yet again another argumentative Valentines. I even tried to avoided it this year, and by avoiding I meant isolating myself from everyone. But no, I had to open my laptop to get on Skype to jump into something entirely unexpected.

I got in a fight with my crush because it has been said around that people were telling him I was telling 'everyone' I was in a relationship with him. Not to mention these were people he and I knew! And we knew only a few friends. I explained to him in my own truthful words because I couldn't lie to him. Lying would make it worst. That I only told four friends that he and I mutually know, but they only knew I really like him, not that I was in a relationship with him. I lie to myself to keep myself going, to have some hope. 

But I guess that was my mistake and I apologized and said that person probably misunderstood what I meant and I didn't think of us that way, I only wished it was because I respected his decisions and choices.

I even said in December 2012 that I did respected it and I would much rather have to see him face to face to be together. 

After that, I gave him my Valentines gifts. The ones I took a awhile to make. Course he had to help me by critiquing my work and lecturing me on hwo I could make it better. It was okay at first, but then it started to feel like I was being pinned down when he started to point out his friends artwork against mine. It made me feel belittled even when he said he was only trying to help. I hate being emotional. 

The day afterwords...

That infuriated me. I confronted him through via text message and asked for a explanation about hat one section.

He explained he was told by someone about the relationship thing as well as this blog. Now don't get me wrong, it's my fault as well. I set up a hidden link so that one day he'll find this, but I didn't expected it to be this soon. So anyway, he said I was practically creeping him out with this blog, as well as artwork being drawing of me and him saying I love you ect. 

Not only did he just now took in all of this sudden information, but he got a bunch of sources incorrect.

First of all,

This blog isn't all about him, it's about my feelings and how I deal with life. It says so in my description and it was this blog is for me to look back on my mistakes on things that has impacted a great deal of damage in my life. 

Second of all,

I haven't drawn a single of a lovely-dovely artwork of me and him since we last broke up which was back in October. The rest were either friendship drawings or group drawings, so I dont' understand where ehe was going with that. 

Third

we already covered this but I already said that I didn't tell the WORLD we are in a relationship. I just said I like him a lot and the only people know who he is and who I am are the four friends I talk to practically everyday. Those four friends are mutual to me and him as well. 

Lastly,

he mentioned that he gets the idea it was someone trying to cause trouble between us, AGAIN.

Hence the word, Again.

--- --- ---

After reviewing all the text messages, having a sit and thinking about it clearly. I figured it out who it is. 

I can't believe how disappointed I am in this person, nor do I even want to even think why was it even intended in the first place.

All I know now is, I can't even have a normal conversation or even that same friendship bond with my crush anymore. It's like he wants nothing to do with me. The most upsetting this is, I didn't do a single thing. This person , aka ex friend. Ruined everything for me. Ruined my friendship, my small happiness . My friendship with my crush. 

All gone now. 

I'll will never forgive this person. 

Would you?

[coffeebunnies]

Dedicated

So valentines is officially to tomorrow.. Is it even really a actual holiday? Jeez, we'll anywho I did a ton of last min valentines work, I manage to order something for dork as well as do 1 1/2 animation piece and a 1 1/2 digital piece. I hope he likes it! Well honestly I might not give it to him.. Why you ask? .. I'm super shy when it comes to confessing my feelings and believe me I have never felt so belittled before, I was always the psssh love you too baby cakes (I don't really use baby cakes lol) but now I'm the. "Oh my god he's talking to me, why is my heart racing?!" I honestly don't know what status position me and the dork is currently in. He keeps giving off mix signals and some days like the last post he said we're friends. He even calls me dead Nd tells me things like, I'll tell you before I head off to bed sort of thing. "But girl, I do that with my friends too" My answer to that is, he and I barely even spoke today. It was like what maybe a 4 min chat? And then he starting to let me know things and stuff. I mean I don't mind, I love the connection me and him have, but what am I suppose to reply to that when he already said we're friends (with lots of feelings) I'm so confused, I understand why guys get so confuse around girls. I feel like I'm in their state of mind at this moment.

[coffeebunnies]

I try not to take things personal, but.. I'm not real?

Today I finished a State exam to where I can be certified to work at a certain job. My god I'm so glad I passed, I was so stressed about it for weeks and I couldn't sleep correctly, not to mention stay calm. I came home exhausted and Dork was online, he instantly message me about the news about the job he got the other day. He had a job interview and had been told they loved him and can't wait for him to work full time next month at Gamestop. I'm so proud of him.. but.

He started mentioning about this girl that kept bothering him, or well more like annoying him. Telling him he's hot and that he should date her and all these nasty stuff she's saying to him. He told her he's not interested. 

After his chat, he was just quiet in the chat box and I had to ask, "Whatcha up to?" 

He explained he was working on his game and that he talked to someone that was inspired by his game that he decided to make one of his own. 

I told him he's a inspirational and that I know in my heart and he know as well that he will get big. I painfully said I would be that one person in the crowd to say to myself, "I use to know this guy"

He laughed and said let's see how things go for him and stuff.

That's not what made me upset though.

He was starting to joke around being racist, since he doesn't know how to be racist nor was he one. He just like to joke. 

He first

thanked me for being so nice and an awesome friend. That he was glad he got to know an awesome person I am and I shouldn't ever doubt myself because I'm fantastic. 

He started to play around and started to become racist. Telling me it was probably hard to be color and not be normal. (I'm Asian if you haven't figure that out already. ) 

Yeah I know he was pissing around with me, and I was cool with it because I'm usually always jokingly racist to my friends. 

That's when I told him I would get back at him when he sleeps that I'll get prepared to attack him and such. 

He said, 

I forgot you weren't white and smart, you're just some dumb color JK! Love you color

he admitted that he wanted to be racist a bit since he doesn't really try it out. The dumb color didn't bothered me, it was the "love you color"

I remember him saying months ago

If I ever tell you I love you, it would only be a friend thing

  Why is he suddenly starting to become buddy buddy with me now? 

  After more of his racist comments and playing around. I told him, I maybe should be a cheap Asian ninja and sneak up on you when you sleep defenselessly. 

He then said..

Tsh, Whatever. I have Asian Ninja alarm all around my apartment, plus you're not real, so you can't do anything.

I try not to take it personal, because he told me I shouldn't take everything personal because then I wouldn't become so emotional. But that one phrase, those words. What he means by I'm not real is that because I'm so far away from him and that I'm just a friend. I'm just an Internet friend and that's all I'll ever be to him. Ever. Love doesn't exist because I live in America Land and he lives in Happy Danes.

I can't stop crying. I am real. I'm trying, I have feelings, I care. Why? 

I know you probably say, It's because I'm so far away, but I'm trying really hard to prove to you. Just a few more months. Then maybe. 

Those feelings you gave me months ago, they couldn't have vanish just because you believed I wasn't real. The feelings has got to be somewhere there..right?

[coffeebunnies]

I sugarcoat it.

Sometimes I just don't understand anything anymore. I hate my heart, do you know that?

Like I hate being emotional, I hate the feeling of tears running down my cheeks and just crying basically over nothing. Or maybe it is something or something entirely foolish. 

The past few days has been .. just wow. He called me two days ago and yesterday. I had so much.. quality time with him. It was so nice talking to him and laughing with him. I felt so boring and bland that I think I know why most guys don't want to be with me. I'm to scared when it comes to talking to guys. Especially with the guy I really love. Is it bad to not know why you just have this feeling in your gut where butterflies flutter when you just see their name? It sounds so childish and unrealistic that I may just be insane and I just need to grow out of it. 

Today however, he told me that I was thinking to much disney magic and that I was to much positive thinking. Which brought me down a lot. To the point that I"m just pour bits and tears here and there. All over the drawing I did too. He told me he doesn't need supports to help him achieve his goal because they're not going to do the work for him, but him. They're not going to take action, he is. I felt so upset that he doesn't really need any moral support from me. Or like he doesn't seem to think it has really any effect on him. Maybe I sound like I'm sugarcoating things, but that's how I figure he was saying it. Maybe he thinks it differently, that's how guys are right? They think in a different way then what we woman do, right? 

All I know is that I'm just crying and I asked, "You know how people work for a paycheck or a passion, what do you think I work for? " 

He said

Something you hope might be real

My heart, shattered. 

Does this means, it's all a fairy tale? My mind and hopes an love for this guy, my passion to do everything I can for him, is a fairy tale and I hope all of it might be real?

I don't know anymore. I'm so lost, guys are confusing and I wish I knew what he was saying really. I feel more bluntly sometimes then he is, then again I could be sugar coating again. 

I just can't stop being so stupid emotional, why?

[coffeebunnies]

Ignoring and Avoiding are two different Gerunds

Let's have a little vocabulary lesson on these two gerunds. 

Gerunds are verbs that ends with -ing

Ignoring - adapted from the word, ignore (Verb)

Refuse to take notice or acknowledge; disregard intentionally

Avoiding - adapted from the word, avoid (Verb)

Keep away from or stop oneself from doing (something)

Now that we have learned the differences, my troubles for the past few days has rather be.. unusual. Sunday was when Dork called to announce some great news! I am out most utterly proud of him, he's going to places and that's how I want it to be. After exchanging our achievements. He suddenly seem to ignore me..

For example, he would know I'm there and I know he would be there. I see you online and you're not hidden or away. You're blankly out there in the open. I see you listening to what music you're listening to and not to mention you just updated your twitter. 

Okay maybe I'm over exaggerating things here and maybe he's busy. Maybe he is. So I carried on my days and let him have his days. Fair enough right? So I went off to school Tuesday after Monday of pondering wither or not he was ignoring me. I was playing Paper Mario 3DS in the hallways of my classes on break and then suddenly. Brilliant idea for his next Gif! Not to mention it's related to his all time character, Mario, Paper Mario that is. I texted him this so-so brilliant idea because another great thing about this attempt is that Mario is paper, so he'll be 2D! A Challenge to accept none other then my Dork. He texted me..

You can make it too. You know how to make gifs (:

Okay, I don't know wither if that was suppose to be a harsh way of saying

You know I seen you doing gifs like I do, why don't you do it if you're going to start doing it

or is he saying..

I saw your gifs and you're getting so good! I'm glad you took my tips that I taught you to good use, I'm proud of you <3

So I took it in consideration as both and told him that he did gifs much better then I ever could do and that I just wanted to give him some ideas for his gifs since it just came to me randomly.

I can see him texting since we both have the iPhone.. and he was texting quite awhile till he only reply.

Thanks for the idea.

What da hell? ...

I brushed it off and did a Japanese emoticon blushing saying, "No biggie"

and he asked..

What's that? 

and I said it was a blushie face.

Afterwords I took a picture of a Sockmonkey I had lips since it made me laugh a little inside taking it as references to some inside joke we had. Awkwardly, he didn't take it as a joke but as to a offense I was talking about his own lips. Regardless of a joke or not, he went serious and explain that it's not like he adores it. Liking 'dem lips' that is.

I honestly don't get him.. he didn't talk to me since...

 That's where today started (well technically yesterday) It's currently in the 2AMs hehe. Anyway yesterday was a Wind waker HD WiiU announcement and I was so happy and excited about the upcoming news about it, that I had to share the news to Facebook. Dork wasn't online so I tagged him along with other friends. Couple of hours later I checked twitter and found out, few mins after I tagged him, he did watched it and he knew I was online. So basically.. even though I'm online and I'm trying to talk to him.. he's avoiding me? 

All I know is depression is growing on me and I'm trying everything I can to prevent myself from falling into that pit. It's good to cry. Right..?