how much do we base perception on accessories
what a difference a balaclava makes?
Wearing the same blues in both, the same denim jeans flared at the bottom
I have a baby doll with me in each
Yet the world around would treat me differently
Question whats in my pants just from more face coverage
As if it was a necessary tool to knowing me, as if it was a necessary tool simply for having seen me
So strange I was barely able to conceive of this whilst it was actively being used to question me with eyes or with words
And for me? I did feel it. I felt... people's acknowledging my more robust nature, my fall down just to get back up, my roll around and feel cleaner from the dirt, my speak to me directly, my what I say is important enough to really listen to
Aswell as my adorn me so I can feel my beauty reflected, hold me so I feel protected, my speak softly so that I won't cry, my lets hold hands and make up a performance whether it be dancing singing or acting
Of course I was picking up on the human world reidentifying me depending on what I wore/presented as in clothing.
This is something we all pick up on when young and in it we can actually find what fits more out of the two binary views we are constantly investigated by, by ever pair of eyes that happen to fall on to us
I had by this age already become aware of how my ethnicity added more weight to whatever I wore or did. Just as my ethnicity also meant further restriction on what I was able to wear and express when it came to being seen and validated as opposed to seen an invalidated. My plump lips, my wide button nose, my more athletic lanky frame, my thick wild curls of a deep black all of these were things constantly being defined by European culture as ugly and masculine with their definition of masculine as aggressor as emotionally inept and intellectually challenged as unable to be made visually pleasing
Where just a slight indication of masculine in clothing or accessory would be doubled as that for my features and shades when really my features and shades were better matched to earth than the pale ones who first created such ways to define and perceive. I think a great deal of these early European leaders obsessively constructing ways to police binary ideals of how to be a self, came from jelousy as a fear those who reflected nature as it was whilst their features developed where the sun was absent and their skin lacked melanin to protect them from a freeze. Their features then were carved by survival whilst ours were carved by life
And so they gained control and shook the sense of what self is into something that is defined by their own imagined concepts as opposed to their scientific relationships to the world as it is
For me both felt correct and waiting to be given acknowledgment for how their colours bleed into eachother. For how each thing of me was endless and by that same logic would eventually meet the together thing of me in some neverending chain of me
I wonder what would have developed if those I was viewed by had the ability to see beyond binary opposition
Permitting me to exist in validation at every end I had for being married as opposed to unmatched
Imagine how much roaming I could have done in my expansive self if that expansion was not actively systematically weaponised as : alien, ugly, invisible, confused, invalid, immoral, broken, strange, dirty and well anything the yt leaders of very old times could think of to install into social perception that would make a person recoil from, ones like me who could not be held by their seams but instead found that those seams became magnets to their other seams until they found away to simply extend themselves because the energy within you to do so was simply that strong
