Hi Josie! I am hoping for advice if you would be willing to give it! My best friend in the whole world recently had an epiphany in her mid 30s and is exploring a trans identity. She’s trying out she/they pronouns with close friends.
I was mostly shocked that she was considering this because I thought she was just never going to confront those feelings. She would say things like “I would have loved to be born a girl” but did not want to unpack that, so I was like well…guess we’re not going there.
Now all of a sudden in like 2 weeks we are going there FAST. It’s pretty adorable to see how excited she gets. She’s been sad a lot. But she also shifts from excited to nervous and even upset if we talk about things too much. I think she doesn’t want anything nailed down. She goes full speed ahead but then insists she isn’t necessarily transitioning and wants to keep her old name and pronouns (but doesn’t want us to use them because she wants to try new ones).
So my question is, do you have any advice on the support you would have liked early in your transition? And if you or anyone you know experienced wanting to transition but not wanting anyone else to say that because you want to be the only one kind of…saying those words? I hope that makes sense. I really appreciate you reading this far haha
one time when i was in my mid 20s, i was playing a board game with some friends. it was one of those board games that has you split into two teams and play against each other and because there were three girls and three boys (i was one of those “boys” at the time) the girls insisted on playing boys vs girls.
the game was super close through the first half of the game and because both teams were lightly taunting each other, one of the girls suggested that we make it interesting and make a bet on who was going to win.
at that time we were all going to the same church and because the church frowns on gambling, instead of betting for money, we decided that the winner would get to pick a punishment for the loser. nothing too terrible, just something silly and lightly humiliating. i don’t even remember what punishment my team wagered but the girls decided it would be absolutely hilarious to put makeup on the guys team if they won.
now this was was probably 4 or 5 years before i would eventually transition and at that time i was deeply in the closet and when i heard the wager my heart dropped. my teammates thought it was a hilarious idea and immediately agreed and i had no choice but to smile and nod while feeling nothing but a cold fear.
what if they saw how uncomfortable i was? (i was) would they think that i wasn’t secure in my masculinity? (i wasn’t) what if they saw how i reacted and thought i was gay? (i am) none of those thoughts were rational but my mind was racing, driven by pure panic.
and before i knew it, the game was over. my team had lost. the girls were excitedly going over their makeup talking about how they were going to do our makeup while my heart was pounding and my ears ringing and my awareness of the world quickly fading.
and before i fully could comprehend my own actions, i stood up and yelled “i’m not fucking doing that”, and stormed out of the apartment slamming the door behind me.
i walked out to my car in a daze, got in, and sat there in silence for a few minutes before i heard a knock on the window. one of the girls had come out to check on me because they were shocked and worried about me. she got into the passenger seat and asked me what was wrong and i just sat there in silence. i didn’t know what to say. from her point of view, i had made a bet, lost, and then stormed out in anger. she couldn’t possibly understand what had upset me so much and i couldn’t possibly bring myself to tell her. instead i let a deep sigh and said, “i just really really don’t want to do that”.
she sat there quietly, processing, thinking, judging, until finally she responded, “okay. you don’t have to do it. but you should apologize to everyone”.
i nodded reluctantly and we both went back to the apartment.
my point is this, trans feminine people are prescribed masculinity from the day we are born. we are told to grow big and strong, are told to play sports, are told to suck it up cause boys don’t cry, are told we are faggots for expressing interest in anything feminine, are beaten and ridiculed for daring to step foot outside of the little blue box that we are placed in. for many of us, it is a prison of the utmost solitude and for those of us that survive, giving ourselves permission to begin to explore beyond the confines of our masculinity is a not just a small step, but a monumental leap. and yes, taking that leap is exhilarating and liberating in a way that can hardly be described but it is also terrifying because every step forward is confirmation of our deepest hope and for many of us, our deepest fear: that yes, we are in fact trans and that we will never find happiness unless we choose to face a world that wants so desperately to destroy us.
so be patient with your friend. she is likely going through a hurricane of emotions every time you see her and that’s not likely to change any time soon. just show up for her the way that you always have and listen to what she says. continue to remind her that you care about her in the same way that you always have. you don’t need to support her by pushing her forward. just being by her side as she finds her own way will likely mean the world to her.
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