mars

tw:vent posts this is a somewhat public diary ig

[crucifiedrat666]

it's impressive how shit just follows me wow! and they tell me oh but its okay its just a rough patch, its just some shit getting in your path but its not, its more so a path of shit with an occasional sprout of grass at every thousand miles, its not temporary that's just how my life is. at this point i don't even feel sad, i don't mean this to sound like im wallowing or crying out its just existencial depression, this is my life and it sucks but i keep going just because i wanna see a couple more sprouts of grass along the way. its frustrating at best, i try to be kind, i try to work as hard as i can, to do my best but its wildly discouraging when i hand out good and get a pile of shit throw at me in response.

[crucifiedrat666]

as the years go by all i can see is how much time i wasted being sick. sad child, sick teenager and now miserable adult. life changes yet the anguish follows me relentlessly and there's nothing i can do to stop it, no matter how hard i try to journal my emotions and keep at least one hobby at a time, push myself to sustain my body in some way, share feelings with people, fuck it everything under the sun to just shut this shit off however nothing ever fucking works so what is the difference really? i go off the rails and let myself feel and it sucks, i make a huge effort to be better and it still fucking hurts as bad as ever, so what is it that im missing? what is the magical solution to chronic depression?

[crucifiedrat666]

impressive how much time goes by but i still have to deal with the same set of problems ive had all my life and in the end nothing gets better, more so the opposite, escalating with every break down and someday i know i'll push myself beyond repair

[crucifiedrat666]

why must everything always fall apart

[crucifiedrat666]

holy shit everything is getting so so serious even tho in my head im still a 14yo boy

[crucifiedrat666]

sometimes u think life is boring and then the most out of pocket shit comes and knee drops right on ur face

[crucifiedrat666]

in my reading era

[crucifiedrat666]

honestly wtf

[crucifiedrat666]

christmas in two days, hopefully my last christmas in this stupid house

[crucifiedrat666]

honestly in these recent years i spent all my time wondering if im just insane, if time is even real, if im real, if any of this even makes sense. now im at a point where honestly i don't feel much of anything, i don't really care abt arguments, because feels like i can see a timeline, and i know exactly how irrelevant that moment is, i have the "it will pass" ideia so deep in my mind that i think im letting stuff pass a little too fast

[crucifiedrat666]

seasonal depreeessioooon

[crucifiedrat666]

when i was 12 i saw the tv glow but i got scared of my family so i turned it off, the static ended up being too loud so eventually i decided to embrace it even tho i was still morbidly scared of my family

[crucifiedrat666]

i wish i could just run away and never be seen by another soul, i wish to be gone and live a secret life without being perceived by a nasty human.

[crucifiedrat666]

i hate life, everything abt it the family, the environment, the people the fucking everything, there's hardly any good things whatsoever. fuck my mom for not getting an abortion.

[crucifiedrat666]

i hate my family so deeply

[crucifiedrat666]

sometimes i wonder what my deal is. am i dumb or insane, did i hit my head to hard when was little was i born like this, whats wrong with me? or maybe it was the people around me maybe i was normal and they just broke me, will i ever feel normal, am i like this forever? i mean what exactly is the problem i dont get it

[crucifiedrat666]

deal with bad family life❌

disassociate until ur 18✅